Thread by @sumlenny

In just 25 minutes Grand Final of Eurovision Song Contest will start in Turin. For this reason, this account goes temporary into a #comedy mode and will post only #ironic to #satiric tweets about the #ESC2022 in live-ticker regime. They will appear in the following thread 👇👇👇

Actually, the ESC should be a part of any international relations master program, especially in the US. Nothing explains the relations between European countries better than the ESC voting. The exam must be like: "predict the number of points Greece gives to Cyprus".

ESC is weird, crazy, often creepy, old-fashioned, freaky, way too serious, nationalistic, frivolous, secondary, mind-open, narrow-minded, often very sexualised, strongly regulated show. So it is very European, yes. The US definitely must add it to IR master programs.

In 2003, very homophobic Russia has sent its band T.A.T.U. , a couple of heterosexual young women who played underaged lesbians on the stage, to represent Russia. They failed to win, and for Russia it was clearly a sign of Western russophobia. "If even THIS doesn't fit!"

In 2021, one of the singers Yulia Volkova - who looked slightly different - has tried to go to Russian parliament as a deputy of a ruling party "United Russia", and this tweet is not a joke! Well, she failed again.

One needs to say, for Russia to win ESC was some sort of a national idea (and those nations who did not vote for Russia... better not to say about them!) Now imagine the reaction of Russian state TV as the Austrian gay singer with a scenic image of a woman has won the show. Oh.

Russian opponents of Austrian Conchita Wurst were Sisters Tolmachev. They were singing while having their hairs bound together and holding a glass baton. Don't ask me why. Don't ask me if this was a reason they failed. I told you this show is creepy.

The show begins. 1 winner out of 25 participants will bring the show to their country. This will be a financial burden for the host country, so many do not understand, why poor countries try to win, but everyone understands, why the UK always manages to escape with 0-5 points.

From the start, the ESC has a rainbow symbol on the stage, the Dutch singer comes with a rainbow flag, and than come a Ukrainian band with dozens of UKR flags. Those in Russia who are responsible for broadcasting, are happy that this year Russia is banned and does not broadcast.

And now an obligatory part with promoting national tourism starts. I guess how it is compatible with Art. 107 TFEU!

Roman statues on the background of the Czech band performance are obviously a cool legal trick. One may not have over 5 persons on stage... But who said anything about statues? And they look well-trained!

Romanian band is giving us a practical example of "how you better do not stage your dance with female members of your band".

Portugal is singing about Saudade, "deep melancholy". Yes, it is a national feeling in Portugal. You never expected it from the country where vino verde is cheaper than water, people are nice, and seafood is the best in the world? I told you, you need to introduce ESC to IR MA.

Finland is shining with energy. I cannot say one cannot live without this music, but we definitely need Finns with their energy as a Nato member!

The Swiss song is about new non-toxic masculinity. "Boys Do Cry". Well, Swiss Alps is a good place to cry! My heart is already there!

The French song is in French. Quelle surprise!
PS a strong vibe of "Wild Dances" by Ruslana is in the air

The Simpsons-looking Norwegian singers with a song about how to feed a wolf with a banana and this with some frivolous gestures. I guess if I am the only one who is thinking of Vladimir Putin? Anyway, this song is the most Eurovision one until now.
PS vibes of The Fox by Yilvis

One-two-where are you? - is a good start for a song, bravo Armenia. Three-four-never more is an even better second part! Should be performed in the Elm Street!

Meanwhile, the hosts remind us, we are in the mid of the show which is a strong cocktail mixed from 2 parts of Conan the Barbarian and 1 part of Mr. Bean, shacked in HD format.

Italy is introducing a new Olympic sport: piano diving!

Nobody: oh, these arrogant stereotypes about Spain and Spanish people, especially women, please do not do stereotypes!
Spanish Band Chanel: well...

The Dutch song is like a Dutch holiday. You know it is very expensive and high-quality even if you see almost nothing.

Ok, I will not make any jokes on Ukrainian song. I just wish Ukraine to win in this war. I hope nobody will blame me here.

The moment when the hosts hear a statement "Help Ukraine, help Mariupol, help Azovstal".

The German singer is singing about his desperation while walking around musical instruments he does not even touch. A very strong picture of German fiscal politics, I would say.

Lithuanian performance is about a nightmare of every artist to wake up in a body of person who imitates an imitator of a French singer without any chance to escape.

Actually, Azerbaijani song was planned to be about Bayraktar TB-2 drones, but this would be two Ukrainian songs amid the same show, so Azerbaijani singer has decided to play Sergei Lazarev 2016.

"Sometimes I feel good", - sings Belgian Jérémie Makiese. Not that I am surprised by this message, with all your lights!

For those who remember floppy disks - Eurovision CD and DVD!

The Greek Amanda Georgiadi Tenfjord is repeating "die together" in her song. I am not sure if this is a proposition to the UK to share the 0 points result.

Iceland is cosplaying Utah how Europeans imaging it. But 12 points for Ukrainian flags on guitars and wrists! And for "Peace for Ukraine" at the end of the song!

Ok, finally some fun. If you have not been yet at a good Moldovian village marriage ceremony, now you have. Thank you Moldova, you are real brave freaks, it is a pleasure to watch your performance. ESC is interesting because of those artists like you.

When you - indiscriminately of your gender - suddenly and after the 3rd bottle of wine want to call your ex at 2 am, but are not sure what should to say, turn on this Swedish song, the result will be the same.

This outfit of Australian singer underlines the fact that Australia is singing at Eurovision Song Contest just to make Master Students of International Relations crazy, you know.

Still, the song is great!

When you sing outside of the competition, but still gets applause!

The problem with British singers is that nobody in Europe understands English of native speakers.

The host is clearly asking for a drink.

The host has almost lost his microphone to Ukrainian band, but saved it in the last second.

Polish song "The River" is illustrated literally with a river and mermaids. The latter look like dementors played by a school theatre group. Poland, you can do better! Just think about My Slowianie performance by Donatan & Cleo!

Oh no. Now the Serbian band is literally trying to copypaste My Slowianie performance vibe, but the result is exactly as good as Vucic is good in copypasting a democratic state. That means - VERY BAD.

And when you think I have finished with my Poland parallels, you are wrong! Because it looks like Estonia is cosplaying Jacek Kaczmarski (and the song is not bad at all!)

Just imagine - you have won ESC, and for the next 12 month everybody wants to hear this old one song by you, and nobody is interested in the new ones, even the ESC!

The battle of audience' cash starts! The ESC is asking now its audience to vote via SMS: one phone may send up to 20 SMS, every of them will be charged extra, to vote for a performer. (Don't forget, Ukraine is Nr. 12, just saying)

Everyone should be amazed by how great modern video editing tricks can be! And slim clothes too!

Gosh, you have flames, uniforms, a Red-Heart-Flag and a performer dancing on a grand piano. Did you know that even a kitsch should have its limits?

So now the national juries start to publish their votes. Let us see if we have some geopolitical surprises like Armenia votes for Azerbaijan, Spain does not vote for Portugal or Germany delivers heavy weapons to Ukraine.

Ukrainian sends 12 points to the United Kingdom! No need to explain why, NLAW? And the greeting "доброго вечора, ми з України" is a slogan which was born during this war.

Estonia sends 12 points to a country with a yellow-blue flag, but for a wrong one.

The UK is leading currently with 100 points. If the points will be given that way, the UK will have to pay for Eurovision next year! (But wait for the popular vote, it normally differs a lot from the juries' one)

The Polish host is wearing a Ukrainian flag ribbon. A fierce speech - and SLAVA UKRAINI at the end! As a person who observed tensions between Poland and Ukraine years ago, I am speechless of how cool Poland has overcome all the challenges in the legacy and supports its neighbour!

Just imagine - someone says in 2012, 10 years ago, that in 2022 on Polish TV, in prime time, the host will greet the world with "Slava Ukraini". This person will be laughed so hard.

Top-5 countries now:
UK - 213
Sweden - 191
Spain - 172
Ukraine - 155
Italy - 132
Ukraine was much worse last year and won a lot amid popular vote, getting to the 2nd place. I wonder what happens this year.

In Germany, we have zero mood to host ESC!

Modova has jumped from 14 to 253 points thank to public vote and moved from the 20th to 3rd place. This is the power of public vote at the ESC.

#BREAKING Ukraine has got 400+ points from public, is by 631 point now, over 300 points over the previous leader. I have never seen anything like that before. Ukraine leads now, and has very good chances to win the show.

I cannot believe UK can win this.

#BREAKING Ukraine wins #ESC2022 and the ESC goes to Ukraine!

#BREAKING Ukraine has won #ESC2022 and the ESC goes to Ukraine! I am sure it will be a huge celebration in 2023, many months after Ukraine has won the war! Слава Україні!

This is the final tweet in my #ESC2022 related thread, this account returns to normal mode. I am thankful to all who tolerated this thread, and understand everyone who has unsubscribed :)