John Bull Profile picture
May 27 30 tweets 14 min read
Well the paperwork is complete. This stupid floof is now officially our cat.

So it's finally time to give him his own thread.

Twitter: OFFICIALLY meet Napoleon.

Let's look at his nine month journey from a hungry, desperate feral to snuggly duvet monster. /1 worryingly skinny black kitty on a drivekitty happily curled up in the nook of my arm on a bed.
This is #notMyCat. He lives next door and has always regularly popped in (with his owner's permission) when his they are out and/or their house is on fire.

(Literally. I opened the door to him one day and as he strolled past, Heard alarms/saw smoke and rang the fire brigade) regal looking tuxedo kitty on the sofa.
In late July last year we noticed he was a bit annoyed. It soon became clear why.

Another, much smaller cat was following him around, in obvious love and awe. We christened her #alsoNotMyCat

This was amusing. What WASN'T amusing was when we realised how ragged/hungry she looked very skinny looking black cat.black kitty up against house window while not my cat is insi
Now we are not cat thieves. But there are 2m stray and feral cats in the UK, most unneutered and most in London. Walthamstow is a hotspot for this.

Her behaviour and desperate state worried us. We spoke to @CatsProtection. They talked us through obvious signs/checks we could do. little black kitty at the end of the garden
The problem: she was UTTERLY TERRIFIED of people. This suggested she was a full feral. But meant she ran at any approach.

But eventually, as she got even thinner and saw us being nice to #notMyCat, she clearly decided she needed to be brave.

She came closer. She asked for food. little black kitty warily crouched near a flower pot.worryingly skinny cat close to us on the drive
I really, really can't overstate how terrified #alsoNotMyCat was of people. Again, we're not in the habit of feeding random cats (and you shouldn't be either) but she was so thin, and hungry that we put a plate down for her. kitty eating off plates on the floor
Over the next few months, we managed to persuade her to cross the threshold into the house (just about) to get food. This also meant we could chip scan her (your local Cats Protection will lend you these) get posters up and confirm she wasn't owned. little kitty nervously looking up while eating.
Eventually, the lure of dreamies was even enough to tempt her to approach and eat from our hands.

The first time #alsoNotMyCat had dreamies she purred. And immediately jumped about 2ft in the air and ran away.

She scared herself by purring.

I don't mind saying that made me cry
As winter approached, we became increasingly worried about her. Ferals have a life expectancy of barely 2 yrs. it's tough out there. This is why it's so critical to get cats neutered.

Eventually, she would sit in a cardbox by the door. long distance shot of feral kitty sitting in a cardboard box
Cats Protection said they'd help us trap her, but she was still too wary/timid for us to manage it.

But the weather was turning fast. So we gambled on buying her a little kennel in the garden with straw in it for warmth.

When she started using it, we were so happy and relieved. kitty warily sitting in a kennel in the garden
Every night she would sleep in the kennel, then early in the morning (and in the evening) she would approach for food. We talked with Cats Protection about trapping options, and beyond that getting her homed somewhere.

But then in January she started limping. We had to act.
With effort, we managed to get her to start eating food from within a trap when she came in. Eventually, we managed to trigger it

This was heartbreaking. She looked so betrayed. But it meant Cats Protection could get her to a vet.

We agreed to foster her in our spare room after
I say "with effort" because #notMyCat was not one to pass up free food. We caught HIM about five times before we managed to catch her. Each time he looked at us after with a look of:

I REGRET NOTHING. 😆 tuxedo kitty in kitty trap
A big revelation from the vet trip was that 'she' was actually a 'he'! Just a very tiny, malnourished one. Probably only a year old

I won't lie: fostering #alsoNotMyCat after the vet trip was REALLY hard. There was pooping. There was hiding under the bed. There was a LOT of mess bedroom floor covered in scraps of cardboard.
And A LOT of meowing. Betrayed meowing. "Why won't you let me out?!" meowing. Escape attempts. And still so much worry about people.

We would take turns just sitting in the room and talking to him, to try and normalise our presence. I read @hoyer_kat's book to him. 😆
He would sit on the record player across the room, watching us. And then, one day, as I was reading to him, something wonderful happened.

He just slept.

Not "wake up every hour" sleep. Proper, total, sparko for hours.

I think it was the first proper sleep he'd ever had. kitty curled up asleep on the record player.
And from that moment on, it was like a switch had flipped in him. It was still a slow journey, but every day he became braver and braver.

Eventually he discovered strokes. And scritches. And naps. He decided he liked strokes and scritches and naps. kitty on bedside cabinet with me giving him scritchesKitty snoozing on fluffy blanket, leaning on Becks' leg.
Cats Protection had asked us to keep him in for two weeks after neutering, before releasing him as he had no permanent home available.

After a week or so, he finally mastered the litter tray. So we decided to let him roam the house at least.

And that's when he discovered duvets kitty stretched out in bless on a duvet
Twitter, you cannot understand the joy/heartbreak of watching a cat who has spent his whole life without duvets discover duvets.

He loves duvets. He is a duvet dragon. Duvets are his GOD. kitty contentedly lying on a duvetkitty snuggled down into duvet, happily.
And then, one day, he cautiously approached while we were UNDER the duvet and started doing this. kitty curled up into my shoulder.
And so we decided that while we had no plans to have a cat, it probably wasn't fair to let him out during the winter. So he could stay for a bit. He still really wanted to go outside, but just for now he could stay.

Meanwhile he kept doing this. kitty snoozing his head off curled up in my arm
And this. kitty snoozing belly up alongside me
And this.

Stupid bloody floof. kitty sat on my stomach as i lie in bed
But he still wanted to go out. Really badly. So eventually, we knew we had to let him go. At least he was neutered now, had his vaccines and was chipped to Cats Protection

As spring arrived, we opened the patio door. He took a quick look back, and then darted away over the fence Kitty outside in the grass looking around, ready to wander o
We left the patio door open. Because by that point both @BecksBiochemist and I had admitted we'd quite like it if he came back. Even just to visit or for regular meals. But we'd decided it had to be up to him.

And then, about 2hrs later, a little kitty jumped on the bed and... kitty curled up happily snuggling in my arm.
And so we spoke to Cats Protection again. And did the adoption process/paperwork.

And he finally got a name.

And that is why we can now say that Napoleon is officially part of our household. cat happily leaning on my arm
No real purpose to this, other than that you lot kept asking for a full Napoleon thread. So this is it. I hope you liked it.

But one thing I will say: Napoleon is not alone. There are so many cats out there like him. And if you have a cat you HAVEN'T neutered, then get it done. napoleon curled up in my arm
If you live in an area, like Walthamstow, with a big feral problem then there are ways to help these cats, but it needs to be done properly.

Waltham Forest Cats Protection were brilliant with us, and helped us to do it right.

You can see how much that's changed Napoleon's life. napoleon asleep on my arm
Even just alerting them to a feral (or possibly feral's) existence is a start. Because it allows them to try and "trap neuter and release." That was the plan with Napoleon and why we agreed to foster him after.

And they are always looking for foster homes for this. Kitty snoozing belly up doing bunny legs
But if I can add my own word of caution:

Be careful agreeing to foster.

Or, like us, you might suddenly find yourself with a permanent stupid floofy Emperor of your own. /END kitty sparko on duvet, belly up.kitty close up, with big eyes, looking directly at the camer

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More from @garius

May 26
Looking back on my piece on Robin of Sherwood (It's been doing the rounds again, I'm reminded how much, as a writer, I ADORE Kip Carpenter's description of how he planned to end the show.

Audiences would have rioted, but it would have been perfect.

medium.com/cult-tv-archiv… “I think on due reflection what should happen is that Guy
I'm also not sure how commonly it's known that this was what he intended to do. He didn't talk about it a lot. He loved Robin so much and was so pained that circumstances outside his control robbed him of that fourth and final series.
But that ending would have captured everything that was so good about that show.

As I've been slowly working away at my own urban fantasy stuff in the background, I've constantly found myself going back to Robin of Sherwood, and how Kip balanced the real with the unreal.
Read 7 tweets
May 26
One thing you get to see with Boris is he thinks certain phrases act like magic spells.

"I take full responsibility" is one of them. Been caught with Johnson junior in someone? Failing at your job?

Say the magic spell.

It's fine now.

Back to being a shit.
It's classic sociopath behaviour. He doesn't believe the words. He doesn't think he needs to. He cannot comprehend how anything he could do could possibly be wrong.

He's just been told he has to say the words so he says the words.
It's why he then explodes in anger whenever someone tries to follow up, like Beth Rigby yesterday.

He CANNOT understand why the magic words didn't work. And he's angry at the stupid people for not letting the magic words work on them. It's their fault now msn.com/en-gb/news/ukn…
Read 4 tweets
May 25
So as per a pub chat last night, the size of London is something that both Londoners AND many outside it misunderstand in different ways.

Both of which are harmful to effective discussion and co-operation on infrastructure investment /1
Londoners tend to assume that London is smaller than it is. There's a bunch of reasons for that, but (as @AdamTyndall eloquently put it last night) this is because we live, socialise and work in micro-communities that overlap a bit. So we don't see the scale.
This tends to lead to Londoners underestimating the harmful agglomeration effect that the city has, and continues to have, on wider investment in the UK.

As a city, we're the loud guy in the room who doesn't realise we're loud because we've got our headphones in.
Read 26 tweets
May 24
Right. Apparently this thread is needed today so I can enjoy Crossrail on here in peace. So:

1) London pays its own way on transport projects
2) Those projects can act as a CATALYST for investment elsewhere in the UK
3) The government is terrified of people working that out /1
First off, let's get a few truths out of the way:

It is UNDENIABLE that this country has a historic economic agglomeration problem. London's economy grew disproportionately through investment for too long, without natural or corrective investment in the Midlands or North.
In addition, the ONLY way that situation is correctable now is with targeted, planned, long-term and DISPROPORTIONATE central government investment outside of London.

This is why central government messaging is, frankly, obsessed with telling you London "got all the money."
Read 22 tweets
May 24
It's worth remembering that it is over 50 years since the last full, new Tube line opened in London.

If you're wondering why London train peeps are excited today on opening day, this is something you get to enjoy once - maybe twice - in your life.
SAFETY WARNING: anyone replying to this with tedious "not a Tube" pedantry is getting blocked.
I know a lot of people do the "Elizabeth Line isn't a Tube" thing for a fun debate, but I've spent enough time in various nerd communities to spot a stalking horse for exclusionary "not a true fan of X" behaviour when I see one.

That's the "Not a Tube" debate.
Read 4 tweets
May 23
New theatre production promos are always like:

An exciting new production staring Chloe Smith-Williams <long credit list>, Sanjay Singh <long credit list> and directed by John Blythe-Dempsey, <long credit list>

I DON'T CARE TELL ME WHAT THE PLAY IS ABOUT
Like, stop complaining that non-Theatre people won't try out non-musical theatre.

They'll do it if you stop treating theatre promos and posters like an IMDB credits page AND TELL PEOPLE WHAT THE EFFING PLAY IS ABOUT.
"Oh I wasn't sure about seeing this but it seems Chloe Smith-Williams did Midsummer Night's Dream once so now I will." Is a conversation that NEVER HAPPENS.
Read 7 tweets

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