Thread by @LilahHan

I empathise with you,
I worked with Satine Phoenix during Maze Arcana and as Gilding Light's founding Community Manager/Chief Editor/Writer before I quit due to health issues.
I left #DnD completely, deleted my #DMsGuild work and vanished. I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

https://twitter.com/nerdytattooer/status/1534402018751590400

Satine Phoenix called me her best friend and asked me to handle social media for Maze Arcana. I did it for free. I learned a while ago that I have high-functioning autism so I hyper-focus on my work and miss a lot of social cues.
Like @JasonTDnDDM I've been silent for 4+ years.

This was a consistent trend in my friendship with her. I supported her through Maze Arcana's collapse. She said she wanted to support my work & have me on Gilding Light's team.
I believed she was my best friend, so of course I agreed. There was no official contract or NDA signed.

I never demanded one because I was happy to have a friend I could work on creative projects with. That meant more to me than any fame or money. I was happy to be her shoulder to cry on, any time, any day and I did so.
We discussed Gilding Light, and her vision for it.

We conducted business meetings and I was responsible for making sure everything launched on time. And I did.
She named me founding Community Manager and writer in Gilding Light. But she soon needed an Editor in Chief to proofread writers she hired, so I did.

When her Project Manager left, I likewise picked up project management duties. For every duty I acquired, I took a new class to hone the skill and never asked compensation.
She was my best friend and I did anything to help a best friend because friendship isn't easy with autism.

I'd been afraid to admit to her that I'm Muslim after reading her 1st comic book and noted how Muslims has been portrayed.
When I questioned her about it, I was dismissed and told she "didn't like that" and that "it's just a story." As if this made negative stereotypes okay.

I never brought it up again. Our subsequent discussions would be tinged with contrarian social cues that I missed. I didn't understand why it bothered me at the time.
I missed a lot of cues, overlooked a lot and never faulted her. I willingly shouldered most of the blame instead.

There was a trend of "shifting the goal post."
As Gilding Light's Community Manager, I was asked to draft a framework for the community. I worked for weeks, plucking ideas from other professional, successful and thriving Discord communities, then showcased it for approval.

I was told it was amazing and received approval, so I used it. Amendments were routinely suggested by her and people I didn't know. Despite its initial approval, the framework I wrote for her wasn't really supported, nor did I feel supported as Community Manager to enforce it.

As a writer in Gilding Light, I was writing for Sirens before quitting. She gave specifications for the first module. I wrote it and my editor combed through it with me. Then Satine changed her mind, so we started over.
Then we were given updated specifications for Sirens.

We worked on the new module with the specified improv adventure hook requested, editing to be inclusive of all players and playstyles.
Then we had a writers meeting and everything came apart. I attempted (in vain) to communicate a concern that was validated by my editor.

Attempting to communicate that a 5 min fast-paced improv hook might not work for everyone was a mistake.
I was immediately met with condescension and spoken to like I was stupid for the remainder of the video conference. A coworker, in his attempt at neutrality, enabled her.

I was told "all she's hearing from me is negative" and that she "didn't care about other people's playstyles."
That, as a D&D celebrity, it worked for every table she ran. Not once acknowledging that these tables are often compromised of fans who seek out her style of DMing.

Meanwhile directly asserting that I didn't know the purpose of the hook and did it wrong.
I wanted nothing more than for the conversation to move on to something or someone else. Regardless the fact that I was fighting back tears and trying to calm down was ignored.

Instead of offering me an "out" to walk away for 5 minutes to calm down, I was pressured for answers and information instead.
The call became so bad that my coworker messaged me privately asking if I was ok. I blamed myself, anything to keep me from fighting with my best friend.

Although I'd taken on so many duties and sometimes woke at 3am as per her demand to troubleshoot. It was asserted in an email that Gilding Light was a one woman studio. This felt like an absolute slap in the face, but I said nothing. She was the face of GL after all, right?

The Muslim subject surfaced again with the Christchurch mosque shootings. My local community was rocked and required security guards.
While confiding in my best friend about this, I was advised to never let anyone know who I really am.
I didn't understand what her message was.

None of it sat well. I felt like who I was just wasn't okay.
Work stress caught up with me, my health plummeted and I suffered vision loss. I then resigned duty by duty and was met with resistance.
I admit to holding back all reasons for quitting just to prevent hurting Satine.

I admitted I was heartbroken later and was given an apology, but no reconciliation efforts were made to rekindle a friendship.
Instead I was dropped, forgotten and just not relevant anymore. I'm guessing gossip spread secretly about me because many more people dropped me after.

I ghosted the #DnD scene and took my personal accounts & work with me except collabs with #DMsGuild writers.
I managed 5+ social media accounts, a discord, twitch channel, website, project managed, wrote modules, edited, pitched ideas & was an on-call trauma dump source for her.

I didn't have my writing supported as promised, not a retweet of art I did. I was advocated as social media management instead & I never received my last month of agreed upon pay for GL work.
Still I never accused her of taking advantage of me despite friends & family saying so.

My confidence as a writer & artist was shattered. Since then, I've been trying to collect myself outside the #ttrpg scene.
Thank you @nerdytattooer @Miss_Jess03 @ThePatEdwards @qualthis @realmsmithtv @JasonTDnDDM @TheTriscuit @HTTPaladin for helping me find the will to speak.

Even if I was deeply hurt, please don't take this as an assassination of Satine's character. Don't witch hunt her, I don't wish that on her. I'm a nobody, this is why I remained silent.
As a former friend & employee, some part of me believes there is still good in her.

I just want this to be a wake up call for Satine.
I loved her as a best friend & creative soul. Though we can't be friends anymore, I sincerely hope for a positive change for her. Please stop hurting people, please stop sacrificing friends. Love isn't meant to be used like this.