Thread by @RussInCheshire

I've been struggling to think of anything to put into #TheWeekInTory. Quiet, innit?

Only kidding. It's an absolute casserole. This is the 3rd of these in 6 days, and is almost certainly already out of date.

Regardless, this is my life now, and I'm taking it out on you...

1. Boris Johnson became the third successive Tory Prime Minister to have their career destroyed by Boris Johnson

2. Always stickers for tradition, the Tories first promised, and then proved completely incapable of Getting Exit Done

3. This all began with the resignation of Oliver Dowden, the Minister Without Portfolio

4. After 43 resignations in 24 hours, we ended up having portfolios without ministers, including the govt’s flagship Levelling Up Dept, which was, irony of ironies, absolutely flattened

5. The previous record for most ministerial resignations in a 24 hour period was 6, dating back to the 1930s

6. Having achieved 7 times that number without even breaking sweat, this govt has – at long last – actually achieved some #WorldBeating

7. Johnson said the resignations didn’t matter because there was “a wealth of talent in the party”, which must be why Nadine Dorries was dragged into the cabinet, seemingly fresh from a fight over the outcome of a meat raffle outside a flat-roofed pub

8. Despite the “wealth of talent”, Tory Whips said “we can't find enough MPs to fill the spaces caused by resignations” and govt had to be literally cancelled

9. And amid the mass resignation, Johnson’s emotional support turbot Michael Gove actually managed to get himself fired

10. This marked the end of an epic journey through the Thoughts and Beliefs of Michael Gove, Age 54 and ¾

11. He started his quest in 2015 by telling us Johnson was his best Brexity friend

12. In 2016 he backed Johnson, and said he should definitely be Prime Minister

13. He then knifed Johnson on the day he was due to announce his leadership, saying didn’t have any morals

14. By 2017 Johnson's missing morals didn’t stop Gove teaming up with him to oust Theresa May, a spindly seabird who had swallowed a kazoo, but was still somehow our PM

15. In 2019 he joined Johnson’s govt and said Johnson was brilliant again

16. In 2020, 2021, and throughout 2022 Gove said Johnson was definitely moral enough to remain in power, despite all the lying, corruption, parties, shagging and illegal moves to cancel parliament

17. Johnson is now the third successive Tory leader to have sacked Gove

18. Nadhim Zadawi's journey to enlightenment was much shorter: 9 hours to go from believing Johnson had enough probity to appoint him chancellor, to believing Johnson has so little probity he should quit

19. Zahawi started the day promising to be a "Chancellor who gets things done" and he's not wrong: in the 24 hours he's had the job he's lost half his treasury team, tried to oust his boss, faced a reshuffle, and been placed under investigation by the National Crime Agency

20. A bolshie Johnson boasted of his success in leading a populist govt that he now can't lead, and which is neither popular nor technically a govt

21. He told MPs the only way he’d resign was if he could no longer defend the country

22. Unfortunately that country was Ukraine

23. It was suggested "men in grey suits" would have to shift Johnson out of Number 10

24. It soon felt like men in white coats would be more appropriate

25. Five ministers saved paperwork by resigning in a single letter

26. By contrast, all 4 of Grant Shapps remained loyal

27. At least until the evening, when Shapps joined ministers telling the PM to quit

28. Amongst those protesting their loyalty to the squatter while telling him to fuck off were Priti Patel, the Shetland Pony of the Apocalypse, and vague legal-guesswork hamster Suella Braverman

29. Shortly after, Braverman went on TV to proclaim she wanted to become leader, and in a particularly bold tactic she began her campaign by reminding a party that hates immigrants and the poor that "I came to this country with nothing"

30. Jacob Rees-Mogg, the harrowing outcome of a bout of hate-sex between a Dalek and a bassoon, nobly said he would refuse to serve under another PM

31. In much the same spirit, I have nobly refused to date Beyoncé

32. Relentlessly bewildered Tory red-waller Lee Anderson said he wasn’t scared of a possible election, reasoning – and I use that word quite wrongly – that "I'm here because of Brexit, I'm here because of Boris, I'm here because of Corbyn, and none of that has changed"

33. Johnson now claims he has to stay, because 14 million voted for him

34. In fact 25,351 voted for him, cos he's a constituency MP, not a president

35. 25,351 is fewer than voted for ventriloquist Jamie Leahey, who came second on the last series of Britain's Got Talent

36. And so, after a wild 36 hours on Entirely Sane Island, we now have a PM who has superglued his hands to the steering wheel, has told colleagues they'd have to "dip their hands in blood" to remove him, and plans to challenge the Queen with "sack me if you dare"

You might think this is unique, or only happened cos the Horny Honey Monster has shaken free of his shackles.

I promise you, this shit been going on for a decade, and involves more than half the party.

I've got a book about it, which you'll hate

amazon.co.uk/Decade-Tory-in…