Thread by @RussInCheshire

It's finally happened.

#TheWeekInTory has turned into The Day In Tory.

Here we go...

1. Boris Johnson plans to stage a no-confidence vote in his own government. I mean… how do I follow that up?

2. With this: the Tory right is determined to get 8-bit minister Liz Truss elected through thick and thin (here represented by Nadine Dorries and Jacob Rees-Mogg)

3. Dorries – trapped forever at Lambrini o'clock – said Truss is “a stronger Brexiteer” than her or JRM

4. Truss campaigned and voted for Remain and said Brexit would be a disaster. Which it is.

5. This, it should be noted, is the last recorded time Liz Truss was right

6. It was also reported that Tories tried to intervene to change the Channel4 annual report so it would fit with Dorries’ addled privatisation plans.

7. For fans of dystopia, this is the first time in Channel4’s 40-year history this has happened

8. A poll of “who would make a good party leader” showed the best person was Rishi Sunak

9. He got a net score (people approving minus people disapproving) of minus 5. He’s the best one.

10. Even amongst Tory voters, only one candidate (Sunak) scraped a positive net score

11. But it gets better: a poll by the Evening Standard found 12% of people knew “a great deal” about candidate Stewart Lewis, putting him far ahead of Zahawi, Braverman or Hunt

12. It’s worth noting at this stage that Stewart Lewis doesn’t even exist. They made him up.

13. Because the REAL candidates love their country and want to help fund it, this week we had to deal with the elaborate tax arrangements of our likely next PMs

14. Sajid Javid had “exploited non-dom tax loophole” and refused to reveal the location of his offshore trust fund

15. And it was reported there are now investigations by the National Crime Agency and Serious Fraud Office into the personal finances and tax status of Nadhim Zahawi, the actual chancellor and (until very recently) candidate for PM

16. To demonstrate how interesting he is and how much he thinks about others, a woman passed out during Zadawi’s riveting leadership launch speech about how much he cares for this country, so he compassionately ignored her and carried on talking

17. Sunak’s slogan is "Ready for Rishi", but he wasn't ready for questions – he closed the launch cos people started asking about his wife’s tax affairs

18. In the brief period he was fit to face journalists, Sunak vowed to tackle inflation, reduce inequality, and lower taxes

19. A treasury official said Sunak would “stoke inflation and inequality” and cause a “fiscal black hole of tens of billions of pounds”

20. The official said all 11 original candidates were “disciples of Recep Erdoğan”, the Turkish president overseeing 80% inflation

21. Sunak promised he would “run the economy like Thatcher”, who destroyed whole industries and left almost 4 million out of work

22. He then said Boris Johnson “has a good heart”, which is a tenuous claim, and doesn’t make up for his appalling brain and scrofulous soul

23. Meanwhile, in news to cheer the country, Boris Johnson was reported to have “not ruled out a comeback”

24. And Zahawi – a week after saying Johnson wasn’t fit to hold office – now said he would give Johnson a cabinet job if he wanted one

25. Suella Braverman – who appears to have been bitten by a radioactive chipmunk – went down the traditional Tory route of offering to cut benefits for everyone, shoving us into penury

26. But obviously no cuts for pensioners, cos they vote

27. At her campaign launch Kemi Badenoch insisted business desperately wanted her to cancel Net Zero policies

28. The next day Unilever, Coca Cola, Scottish Power, Thames Water and Lloyds called on candidates to defend and maintain Net Zero policies

29. While Banedoch’s was speaking, single occupancy toilet stalls at the back of the room were pointlessly bestrewn with makeshift “men” and “ladies” signs, because culture wars have driven her to see threats everywhere, like a kind of Mary Wokehouse

30. While she’s not being obsessed with effluent, Banedoch, who wants to lead the Party of Law and Order, admitted that – while she’s not being obsessed with rooms full of effluent – she had hacked the website of a Labour opponent

31. And so, the last 8 candidates were

Badenoch (Mary Wokehouse)
Braverman (Mary Workhouse)
Truss (Mary Madhouse)
Sunak (Mary Poorhouse)
Tugendhat (Army Guardhouse)
Mordaunt (Lairy Alehouse)
Zahawi (Greedy Shithouse)
and Jeremy Hunt (Dopey Titmouse)

32. Senior Whitehall staff accused Penny Mordaunt of neglecting her ministerial duties for months because she was focussing on her leadership campaign

33. She can’t have focussed very hard, because her campaign logo is identical to that of a group aligned to the Labour Party

34. Mordaunt, leaping aboard the Culture War Express, said she has never supported changes to the Gender Recognition Act

35. This will come as a shock to 2019 Penny Mordaunt, who told an awards ceremony by the LGBT community that she was about to support changes to the act

36.Priti Patel – the answer to the question “What did Frau Blücher do next?” – ended up not standing to be leader, so “I’m too busy” wasn’t her excuse for not even bothering to turn up to a Home Affairs Committee hearing into her disastrous Rwanda policy

37. Jamie Wallis was found guilty of failing to stop after a crash

38. He said he was swerving to avoid a cat

39. Sadly, the same didn’t apply to Tobias Ellwood, whose home was attacked with a croquet mallet – no, really – after he was reported to have run over a different cat

40. While the candidates raged about what labels to put on rooms people shit in, Covid cases surged to 350,000 and the NHS issued a Black Alert – the highest level of emergency

41. Unsurprisingly only 1/3 of Britons now trust their government, the lowest in the OECD

42. And finally, I’m not suggesting this is end-times, but the House of Commons had to delay proceedings because – during the driest weather in years – water somehow began pouring in through the roof of the chamber

If recent events are anything to go by, my book will result in a lot of legal threats (despite going through absolutely months of independent fact-checking and expensive legal approval).

So I hope you buying it will allow me to stay out of pauper's jail

amazon.co.uk/Decade-Tory-in…