Just off a WhatsApp call w/a friend in Europe who's been studying narcissism and wants me to consider a few things about the man I left earlier this year. He was not surprised by the ghosting and stonewalling; I too had expected it, bc the fellow in question has done this before.
2) Europe said, “It's a sustained tantrum on his part, a way of prolonging the last of his controls over you.” I had expected he'd do this, & have been using his behavior to clear up questions in my head about the intrinsic value of the relationship.
3. I told Europe, “He's done this before.” The last woman had been an abuse survivor and he told me she was “nuts.” I questioned why he'd ever been with “nuts” in the first place, and why he felt ghosting and stonewalling her had been a compassionate response.
4. Apparently “nuts” had threatened his family. That's disturbing, of course, but the accountabilities are, as usual with this guy, very narrowly and oddly defined. I also think he lied about the real facts of the story.
5. Europe explains it this way: “Bc of childhood damage, the narcissist develops a pathological false self to fill the void where a real self should be. Through that false self they feel empowered, even entitled, but lying becomes necessary, to keep the mythic self going.”
6. “It's not just the content of the lie itself,” said Europe. “It's the willingness to lie, the ease with which the lie is proffered, to whom the lie is given, and if there are any feelings of remorse afterwards.”
7. I revisited a question that had dogged me for months. A whole year, and I never learned to trust him. I wanted to but my gut instincts would send up red flags and alarm bells. Europe grew concerned when I said at times the need to be trusted almost came across as a demand.
8. “But trust cannot be required,” he said. “Yes, it's necessary, but trust must be earned. This fellow was disqualifying on many fronts. As you said, his past behaviors w/others indicated he was seldom trustworthy. He felt justified or entitled to act as he did....
9. “... What's more, the lack of remorse raises the likelihood of repeating the offending behaviors. Despite mistakes or lapses in judgment, he doesn't seem to learn. And yet he blames you for not trusting him? Did he not understand your life would've been easier if you could?”
10. I was not withholding the trust as a carrot. It'd been a year of extreme discomfort, of wanting several times to walk away. Europe said, “I bet he had several methods of keeping you in relationship. Guilt, for example.” Narcissists, he elaborated, are profligate manipulators.
11. Once that trust thread led me to the big knot, I was able to figure out more for myself as things unraveled, bc for once he was silent, not persuasive. Lying also entailed hypocrisies. A dicey sense of accountabilities pointed to the family's heightened senses of entitlement.
12. His ghosting/stonewalling was a godsend, bc the silence gave me time to think and seek out more insightful opinions w/o the interference of manipulative arguments. I had once seen him as heroic....
13. ... heroic, striving, effortful, even kind. But that had been an illusion.
He once called me an old soul, adding he wanted to be that way too. Europe seized on that like it was an “Aha!” moment. Narcissists, he thinks, always want something from their supply.
He once called me an old soul, adding he wanted to be that way too. Europe seized on that like it was an “Aha!” moment. Narcissists, he thinks, always want something from their supply.
14. “They usually need something that marks them as more authentic than they really are. They assume it can be acquired via osmosis.”
He later said, “Your impression of Karen was that she seems to get off on humiliating others. Given his history, he'd find that useful.”
He later said, “Your impression of Karen was that she seems to get off on humiliating others. Given his history, he'd find that useful.”
15. Europe said, “So trust became a central problem, enough to drive you away. You spoke up about its many facets, yet this fellow continued to reveal aspects of himself that showed he was wholly untrustworthy! That's bizarrely disingenuous. That's asking a lot of you....
16. ”... and then to blame you for not trusting him, as if you were cruelly or willfully withholding trust? That's not right.
“Look at the issue of withholding. I think that's a feature, not a bug, of his life. Withholding is passive-aggression; control and manipulation.”
“Look at the issue of withholding. I think that's a feature, not a bug, of his life. Withholding is passive-aggression; control and manipulation.”
17. “He knows it's cruel. He's felt its impacts on him when it was done to him; he elevated himself as a man by trashing another man who'd done that to you. He knows full well but he does it anyway. He's no better than any of the others he called 'chumps.' You had to leave.”
18. Europe: “Here's the jeopardy. If you'd made that leap of faith and trusted him, he'd have taken it as a green light. And he'd have rationalized you then deserved whatever he opted to do. That's the doublecross of trusting a narcissist. You were right trust your gut!”
19. I've felt sad about all this. Sad for him. Sorry for him. He's still not trustworthy. It's a kind of work he just doesn't know how to do. Given his age, he's spent a lot of time living the other way. He's quick to line up his justifications. Nothing else.
20. It may never happen for him. He's not in an environment that values the truth. There's a lot of posturing, of faking it, while living very empty vengeful unkind lives behind the fronts. I pity him. He's way too old to live this way.
21. A friend of mine quips, “Social media was made for lives of quiet desperation!” LOL
@threadreaderapp plz unroll? Thanks and take care.
@threadreaderApp unroll, plz? Thank you!
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