Thread by @QuinnyPig

Apple Event time. Starting with Apple Watch Series 8, advertising its new menstrual cycle tracking features.

1. Terrific to showcase women's health like this.
2. How does this not become some shithole state's evidence for the prosecution?

The Apple Watch now detects car crashes via Machine Learning®, then automatically checks your Apple Card balance to figure out whether you can afford to call an ambulance.

Apple Watch now gets a Low Power Mode to extend battery life to 36 hours by turning off some of the Watch's most annoying features.

Feels evolutionary more than revolutionary. I upgraded last year and don't really see all much that I'd take advantage of.

That might change if I were a person who menstruates and was traveling internationally with a cellular model to get in a car crash.

New: an Apple Watch Ultra that's more durable for people with incredibly active lifestyles, which is basically none of us here on Twitter. Feel free to take a quick break to go grab more potato chips.

"We added a second speaker for increased volume."

YES HELLO! I'M ON A BUS! NO, I CAN TALK NOW!

This thing looks like he strapped an iPhone to his wrist.

It's optimized for "high speed watersports," which is a certain subset of my Twitter audience. The layperson generally refers to them as "perverts."

Action shot of the Apple Watch Ultra on my wrist.

Oh it's got an 86 decibel siren built in. Yeah, I'm *definitely* getting this for use on the bus.

Action shot of the Apple Watch Ultra on my wrist.

"So that's the Apple Watch Ultra. Please send the helicopter back now so I can go home. I'm begging you, Tim."

Pretty sure this watch would be disappointed in my entire lifestyle. #appleevent

Next up at the #appleevent is AirPods. They're great. Slap a pair in and nobody blinks twice at you talking to yourself anymore.

New AirPods Pro ("AirPods Pro-er"). They're distinguished by looking exactly the same as the old ones.

You can use the camera on an iPhone to take pictures of your ears so the AirPods engineers can make fun of how messed up yours look, then tailor spatial audio for your specific fucked-up ear situation.

Now a light swipe up or down on the stem will adjust the volume, in what @arstechnica is already calling the most annoying feature of 2022.

$250 for a pair of these, pre-order on Friday, ship by September 23rd.

Am I supposed to carry these extra 50 pounds of electronics when engaging in high speed watersports? Instructions remain unclear.

Talking about the new iPhone's eSIM-only approach. Two months ago Verizon had no idea what I was talking about; I had to go to a store to get a physical SIM. "GOOD LUCK, CUSTOMERS!"

You can now get help from the iPhone via satellite messaging for emergencies, like Starbucks running out of Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Coming soon to a TikTok near you!

"This is for places without cellular coverage, like canyons, ridges, and downtown San Francisco. What up, Verizon?"

You can also use Find My to send your location to loved ones via satellite. "Free for two years, starting in the US and Canada in November."

Now with (((5G))).

It's pretty clear that Apple misunderstood its employees wanting to work remotely and built products around that misunderstanding at today's #appleevent.

"Okay, so you want to live in the middle of the wilderness with no cell signal? We can work with that..."

Now onto the iPhones 14 Pro. "IT'S PURPLE."

Also the notch got tired of being not noticed and became more annoying; it's dynamically controlled via software and apparently moves.

The new notch is called "the Dynamic Island." I hear they're into high speed watersports there.

They did a bunch of nonsense to the cameras, the screen has more nits, the purple has more purples, available to preorder on Friday.

The end. #appleevent