Thread by @stealexanderuk

"Now, I'd like you to gently squeeze the accelerator, Mister Pertwee."
*Ka-thunk!* VROOOMMM!!!
#5Docs

Jon has just posted a letter saying:
"Dear John Nathan-Turner
I'm sorry, but I don't feel ready to return to Doctor Who.
Yours sincerely, Tom Baker"
#5Docs

If you had the chance you'd Timescoop Jon Pertwee, wouldn't you? And Bessie. It would be great.
#5Docs

To get this pained expression from Jon Pertwee, they simply told him Tom earned more for the Shada clip than Jon did for actually appearing
#5Docs

"Great chunks of my past, detaching themselves like melting icebergs. Ah! There goes Marco Polo. And Fury From the Deep!"
#5Docs

Peter Davison was notoriously lazy and often made the other actors carry him onto location.
#5Docs

"Ah! I just..."
"Is this going to be another fucking joke about putting the bins out, Doc?"
"...yes."
"Your Arse. Get it in. The TARDIS. Now!"
#5Docs

The Doctor harbours a deep, unspoken passion for Turlough (who was clearly much older than school age).
It's why they always want to regenerate into ginger.
#5Docs

3rd Doctor:
Speed 6, Int 7, Str 9
Special abilities: "Good Old Bessie" and "Both Loops In One Hand"
#5Docs

39 Bannerman Road is where Sarah-Jane Smith lives!
And she's driven her car into that lake three times so far
#5Docs

"Mistress! Warning! Do not go out."
"What is it, K-9?"
"Your clothes, mistress."
"What about my clothes?"
"Simply put, they are too damn stylish."
"Oh, K-9!"
#5Docs

"I have to go by bus, the car's in dock."
"Negative! Negative! It is over there behind the house! Suggest engage optics, mistress!"
"Now I know you're imagining things."
"The car is located twenty feet due east!"
#5Docs

Where are you going?! You can't hail a bus from the bottom of the lake, Sarah!!!
#5Docs

That this is the very last shot of K-9 in the classic series is kind of heartbreaking.
K-9 blocked by G-8.
#5Docs

*gramaphone record plays*
"I am an Antichrist
I am an anarchist
Don't know what I want but I know how to get it
I wanna destroy the passersby
'Cause I, I wanna be anarchy"
*The Doctor and Romana sing along*
#5Docs

"Wordsworth, Rutherford, Adams..."
"Terrance Dicks!"
"Oh yes!"
"'The TARDIS landed with a wheezing and groaning sound.'"
"There was no limit to Uncle Terrance's genius."
#5Docs

This shot was removed from the original transmission, as the sheer elegance and beauty would have burnt out 80s television sets.
#5Docs

Tom thoroughly enjoyed handling his lengthy pole on camera
#5Docs

"I read a book on punting and it didn't warn me that I might bang my head."
"Was it abridged?"
"No, just bruised."
#5Docs

"K-9 is out punting with a PRIME computer."
"Ridiculous."
"There was a Dalek punt on Ziasma Goria."
"No there wasn't..."
"Got into a race with a Quark and a Mechanoid."
"I hope you fall in soon."
"I once stopped the Master from stealing the Punt of Rassilon...."
#5Docs

"I thought we were coming here for May Week?"
"Ah no! I meant the Network DVD sale. I've bought May To December and Terry and June..."
#5Docs

"I'm bored of punting. They should have used the bicycle chase sequence! Far more exciting."
#5Docs

"Is that a side salad on your hat," asked the Doctor, "because you are a snack?!"
Romana's gaze caused several willow trees to wither and a cycling don to fall into the Cam.
#5Docs

"Are you a proper punt?
Or have you come a cropper, c..."
"WATCH OUT FOR THAT TRIANGLE!"
#5Docs

Originally they were going to be attacked by Sea Devils at this point!
And Fish People.
And Seaweed.
#5Docs

"I'll tell you what, Romana, this Timescoop has a bloody good library."
#5Docs

"Oh shit are we still in this story?
I'd just set the controls for the Bricklayer's Arms, I was going to get a round in."
#5Docs

"Try control alt delete, Doctor!"
"No, Doc, just alt tab out of it!"
"Press the shift key five times!"
"Put a paperclip in the little hole!"
"You know, I'm really starting to regret sending both of you on that computer course."
#5Docs

This is what I do. Lie flat on my back and stare at the ceiling until I think of another caption.
I've got to stop posting them from work.
#5Docs

"Damn! The scalpers have got to the Fourth Doctor and they've put him up on eBay for £75! Well I'm not bloody paying."
#5Docs

Back when The Five Doctors came out on VHS, you could make the whole story look like this by adjusting the tracking.
#5Docs

HOW?
How does she make standing at a bus stop so utterly iconic?
Look at her!
#5Docs

Elisabeth Sladen pulled this exact face when I told her my top three favourite scenes from the "Dr Who and the Pescatons" LP
#5Docs

FAN THEORY CONFIRMED
The Timescoop can only get you if you go on the grass. The 4th Doctor is the only one who didn't and he got stuck in a time eddy.
#5Docs

"Can you believe they just left my Sarah-Jane Smith Timescoop Standee on the front lawn? Anyone could have run off with it!"
#5Docs

"Is that all you're fielding? Ok. Cos I've got 3 squads of Terminator Space Marines, 4 Land Raiders, 8 Assault Squads, a Blood Angels Primarch and a Wolfhound Titan."
#5Docs #WH40k

Sarah-Jane Smith - Speed 4, intelligence 6, strength 3. Special abilities: "Discard Clothing Item" and "Whoops Doctor, Missed"
#5Docs

And now, children, we must spend half an hour contemplating the eighties Time Rotor.
Glory be to the Great Time Rotor!
"Why does time need rotating anyway?"
"Silence, heretic!"
#5Docs

"Tegan! Get down here immediately so we can all be in shot together."
"No way! I'm enjoying being the tallest person for once!"
#5Docs

Turlough examined the read-outs but, looking at his posture, all Tegan could think about was whether there had been a work station assessment on the new console
#5Docs

Some people say Peter Davison gave a bit of a flat performance as the Doctor but I don't see it
#5Docs

Some people say Peter Davison gave a bit of a thin performance as the Doctor but I don't see it
#5Docs

"LOOK!" said Tegan.
This was something she just did at random now, and she was amazed at how often something actually happened after she said it.
#5Docs

"The Death Zone! On Gall..."
"No Richard, it's not your line yet!"
"Oh bugger."
#5Docs

He's just kissed his Peter Davison action figure.
#5Docs

Clearly the Timescoop was set to "Disco Pose" mode.
I don't think any of these characters have ever stood like this!
#5Docs

This was an attractive display until the Castellan had an accident with The Feather Duster of Rassilon.
#5Docs

"There's just not enough power, Tegan."
"But surely there's a way we can play Doom on the TARDIS console! There's two screens, we could Deathmatch!"
#5Docs

"I'm sorry Tegan, the TARDIS doesn't have your hairstyle on record, anywhere in space OR time!"
#5Docs

I can't help thinking about Peter Davison's lovely hair and jacket on that grubby studio floor.
#5Docs

All rise for the President of the High Council of the Time Lords, Cockus Erectimax Borusa!
#5Docs

Borusa, Flavia and the Castellan discuss who will be this week's Star Baker and who will be going home
#GBBO #5Docs

"Involving this... Person does not please me."
"Christ, we're sending him to North Wales! I'm not asking you to have a threesome with him."
#5Docs

President Borusa started to suspect that nobody had brought any chocolate biscuits to the meeting.
#5Docs

"Send him in. And bring in some chocolate biscuits, Mrs Blankenship."
BZZZT "BISCUITS? I'M NOT YER MOTHER. BY THE WAY YER WIFE CALLED. SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOU WERE LAST NIGHT..."
"Not now, Mrs Blankenship!"
#5Docs

"Eh-heh heh heh heh hah hah hah. Hoh hoh hoh HOH HOH hoh heh hahahah! HOH HOH HOH HOH hah hah hah hah heh heh heh heh! HAH HAH HAH HAH hah hah haaah heeeeeee,"
Said the Master.
#5Docs

"I may be seated?"
(Sorry, you can't improve on perfection)
#5Docs

"You are one of the most evil and corrupt beings this Time Lord race has ever produced. Your crimes are without number and your villainy without end. But I'm going to let you off because you've brought Hob Nobs."
#5Docs

Still chuckling whenever he remembers that time he dressed as a telephone engineer and installed a killer phone wire in UNIT HQ.
"I just called to say Good-bye, Doctor!" What a zinger.
#5Docs

"We can offer you regeneration. A complete new lifecycle!"
"Really?"
"Yes. Unfortunately it's the lifecycle of a butterfly, so you'll have to be a caterpillar a while. But still, it's good."
#5Docs

We should make the Presidents of our world wear hats like these.
That'd bloody learn 'em
#5Docs

He's just seen what Chancellor Flavia can do with a milk chocolate hob nob.
#5Docs

"We're pleased to announce the winner of our Blue Peter competition to design a set for Doctor Who! And the winner was 3-year-old Fido from Battersea. So well done Fido! You'll see your set in the very next episode, this Saturday."
#5Docs

One mirror made him look tall.
Another mirror made him look fat.
None of them made him look like William Hartnell.
#5Docs

Richard Hurndall's other TV roles included:
Grandpa Munster
Miles Devon from Knight Rider
Supergran
Peter Capaldi's Doctor Who
#5Docs

*astonished gasp*
"CILLA BLACK?!?"
"Surprise surprise, chuck!"
#5Docs

When you hope she hasn't noticed you're here and you might still be able to sidle off quietly.
(Note: Yes, I have noticed that thing on her nose. No, I can't explain it.)
#5Docs

"Am I still due a spanking Grandfather?"
"Oh heavens no! My beloved Granddaughter!"
"So you didn't bring Mr Slipper?"
"Of course not. No, I wore Mr Slipper out on Dodo. What a stupid cow she was!"
#5Docs

"Grandfather! What's happening?!"
"It would appear the director is doing something interesting for a change! I shouldn't worry, it won't last."
#5Docs

"Grandfather! You left me on a devastated Earth and David's left me and our cow Antodus died and the only shops that are open sell horrible plastic macs and you took us away from the 60s before the Beatles even released Revolver and half my teeth have fallen out..."
#5Docs

"Grandfather!"
"One moment Susan, I'm standing on this uplight to try and look as sinister as humanly possible."
#5Docs

"Grandfather!"
"It's as I feared! The Daleks have harnessed the power of Shadow Technology, enabling themselves to turn into oh no wait he's just come round the corner isn't he?"
#5Docs

"Grandfather! We must be on Skaro!"
"Careful my dear! Too many continuity references and casual viewers won't watch!"
"You're saying that in THIS? The Five Doctors!!!???"
#5Docs

"It's your first day driving a Dalek, but don't be nervous! I'll be here with you. So, if you're ready, I would like you to pull smoothly away, remembering mirror, signal, manoeuvre, EXTERMINATE. Off you go!"
#5Docs

"Woah! Bit heavy on the Exterminator pedal there!"
"Do you want me to ease off?"
"No, no! Keep it going. It's good to be bold! Now don't forget to signal..."
"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
"Perfect!"
#5Docs

"Ah, now we've backed into a corner, I'll need you to reverse out. But first remember..."
"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
"Yes and check the mirror."
"Right oh."
#5Docs

"Behold! We have located The Clitoris."
#5Docs

Zoom calling the in-laws at Christmas when they've put the webcam on top of the bookshelf.
#5Docs

"Your excellency, I wish to complain about Chancellor Flavia's vicious side-eyeing at meetings. She uses it to get whatever she wants!"
"Er... Ah... Uh... Over-ruled. Carry on!"
#5Docs

"So. You were expecting the latest issue of @DWMtweets - but the delivery company left it in the Death Zone."
"Precisely."
"And you want me to go and retrieve it?!"
#5Docs

"Yes. Also, Five Doctors Who have gone missing. We believe one has gone to market, one stayed home, one has had roast beef and another has had none."
"And the fifth...?"
"Well..."
#5Docs

"Cold in here, innit?"
"Yeah, I'm not taking these gloves off."
"Me neither!"
"You should try opening a pack of Digestives with these buggers on! It's fucking impossible!"
#5Docs

"All 5 Doctors are missing!"
"Surely there's more than 5?"
"Not yet, this is 1983!"
"But we're Time Lords, aren't we?"
"That doesn't mean we can see the future."
"Hang on..."
"Here. Have another biscuit."
#5Docs

When you're thinking of all the money you're going to make from buying Doctor Who with your independent production company
#5Docs

"Maybe we should send Chancellor Flavia to the Death Zone and ARGH NO! THE GAZE! THE BALEFUL GAZE!"

#5Docs

"Iiiit's aaaannnn...
Open Ended Power Boosted Two Way Death Zone Transmat
Even though the sound of it is just a little arse-hat
If you say it loud enough you'll always sound a bad-cat
Open Ended Power Boosted Two Way Death Zone Transmat!!!"
#5Docs

"The previous tweet in this thread was the pinnacle of human achievement. Will you retweet it?"
"Will you?"
#5Docs

"Oh yes, you'll still be able to use Twitter, my dear followers. And it'll cost you a mere eight dollars a month..."
#5Docs

The Doctor Who Companion Academy should definitely have included a "Staring at the floor in anguish" challenge
#5Docs

It's the celery that I feel sorry for, fading in and out of existence like that. The celery never did anything wrong!
JUSTICE 4 CELERY!
#5Docs

"I have to find... To find... My other selves..."
"Did he say other shelves?"
"No, he definitely said Otter Selves."
"Well this is going to be a big day for the Furry Community!"
#5Docs

"Look Doctor! This is the jacket you'll be wearing in your next incarnation. Isn't it colourful! Oh you'll look so smart. Everyone is going to love it!"
#5Docs

"Grandfather! We're definitely going to get our 10,000 steps in today!"
"Oh! I am... So glad... You came... Back... Susan!"
#5Docs

"Now, when I tap my tentacle against the slat I'd like you to perform an emergency EXTERMINATION. Have you got that?"
"EXTERMINATE!!!"
"Oops! Bit early, let's try again."
#5Docs

"Grandfather! I don't think you've been watching those Lizzie Webb aerobics videos I left you!"
"Oh...I have... my child. Quite... frequently!"
#5Docs

"Okay! Hazard perception. There's a couple of pedestrians ahead, so what do we do?"
"Uh... Brake gently, come to a stop and allow them to cross safely?"
"Try again."
"Exterminate?"
"That's it!"
"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINAAATE!"
#5Docs

"Grandfather! We're trapped in a tight corner with no way out!"
"Well that's clearly bollocks! But I'm too knackered to disagree, so yeah, oh dear, how will we get away?"
#5Docs

"Grandfather!"
"When I say now, help me to push the Dalek, and when I say drop, drop here."
"Good grief, the comedian's a bear!"
"Argh!"
#5Docs #muppets #fozzie #kermit

"Grandfather! I do believe that's Dalek Goon-ii!"
"Nonsense my dear child, it's clearly One-7, with a skirt section from The Chase. Note the thin collar and leftover blue paint from it's Pebble Mill appearance!"
#5Docs
dalek6388.co.uk/twenty-years-t… for more

The Dalek ran over Richard Hurndall's foot in the last take of this scene, severing it at the ankle.
The foot was preserved as part of John-Nathan Turner's collection of Doctor Who memorabilia.
#5Docs

"Bit of a tight spot here, so gently ease off from the Exterminator pedal..."
"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
"No! I said ease off!"
"EXTERMINATE!"
"AAAhhhh! Ease off, Maureen! Let go of the damn pedal!"
"EXTERMINAAAAAATE!"
#5Docs

"Grandfather! Right foot blue!"
#5Docs

"oh bugger"

#5Docs

If you've skipped though the thread just to get to the money shot here, I can't blame you.
I've been looking at it for ten minutes and I still find it extraordinarily satisfying.
#5Docs

Better get a wet wipe, dear.
#5Docs

When u ain't so hot the morning after
#5Docs

"So... I guess this is a fail then?"
"Honestly - you failed pulling out of the test centre when you didn't check your mirror."
"Damnit that's what I always forget!"
#5Docs

"Grandfather! That was exciting!"
"Hmm, a bit too exciting, my child! Oh dear, I did so like these trousers..."
#5Docs

"Hey kids! It's your last chance to see the Tomb of Rassilon!"
"Daa-ad, you said that last time we drove past it!"
#5Docs

"Grandfather! We're on Gallifrey!"
"The Death Zone. A dark, inhospitable hell-hole."
"A place filled with the most awful, unspeakable things!"
"Come on. We may have to get lunch at Costa and then pop into B&M."
#5Docs

"Honestly Doctor, I haven't seen this much slate since the reviews for The Time Monster."
#5Docs

"Over there, that's where we filmed The Abominable Snowmen. And over there is where we filmed The Five Doctors."
"Aren't we filming that now?"
"Oh, I meant when I was Richard Hurndall."
"Right..."
#5Docs

"Ahhh. That's better. Little Cyber-jiggle, all done. What? I'm being watched!"
#5Docs

"Come back Gordon I love yoooooou!"
#5Docs

"Let's rest here for a second Doctor. I feel compelled to put my hand at this precise spot on the wall for some reason."
#5Docs

"The Cybermen won't get us. Not on my watch!"
*Squeeze*
"Argh! He's on my watch!"
#5Docs

How many ears does the Doctor have?
Three. A left ear, a right ear and... a Brigadier!
#5Docs

In the Robert Holmes script the Brigadier got pulled apart like a cracker and the 2nd Doctor spent the rest of the story wearing a party hat
#5Docs

All in all your just
Another Brig in the Wall
#5Docs
#PinkFloyd

"Come on! And don't go poking things into any more holes!"
"Why not? After all, that's how it all started!"
"That's AGES away."
#5Docs

So far today he's made 20 other vehicles reverse to a passing place
#5Docs

How the hell is he steering?!?!
#5Docs

"You, sir, are driving like an antediluvian quisby! A stampcrab bobolyne! A gollumpus jolterhead!"
#5Docs

"Oh K-9! Why didn't I listen to you? Oh well, maybe I can cheer myself up by rolling down this shallow slope."
#5Docs

AAAA F*** S*** F*** HANDBAG ARGH NO AAA F***ING C**TY MACKINTOSH AAA HOLY S***TING INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST A***S OF ALL THE S***S AAAA AIEEARGH ouch!!!
#5Docs

Amazingly, Lis Sladen didn't need a stunt double for this scene and neither did her Macintosh
#5Docs

Tying Bessie up to a hitching post so she doesn't trundle off. She's looking forward to getting her nose bag on.
#5Docs

HOORAY! It's the 200TH CAPTION! And look at this extra special picture!
- Bessie was not happy about filming these scenes and demanded a stunt double was made available. This is actually an Austin Allegro
#5Docs

"I know you're stuck down there, but it's never the wrong time to learn about science. So! By moving the ropes like this, I can generate a sinusoidal wave..."
*Muffled wailing*
#5Docs

The Doctor activated the hyper-drive, reversed Bessie at 900mph and sent Sarah-Jane Smith flying clear over the top of the Dark Tower.
#5Docs

And he reversed over Jeremy Clarkson a few more times.
Just to be sure.
#5Docs

This grassy bank is actually very steep, but through clever direction Peter Moffat made it look like you could easily walk up it.
#5Docs

The fact that Sarah-Jane Smith can bounce back from this indignity with a smile has always been a massive inspiration to me
#5Docs

"That was fun!" said the Third Doctor. "Now let's try a tug-of-war, you versus Bessie!"
#5Docs

The fact that these two outfits exist in the same Universe, never mind the same image, shows what an infinitely diverse world we live in.
#5Docs

"Oh Doctor, how can this even work given that I was your last companion and we barely spent any time apart?"
"Now, Sarah. Do you honestly think anyone gives a fuck?"
"No, Doctor. Actually - I don't!"
"That's my girl!"
#5Docs

"But you changed! You became all..."
"Bland and breathless?"
"No..."
"Stout and brash?"
"Uh-uh"
"Question mark pullover?"
"Oh come on!"
"Paul McGann?"
"I wish! Phwoar!"
#5Docs

"So you see Sarah, the only way to find your route back out of North Wales is to unravel a huge ball of twine as you go..."
#5Docs

When the Doctor had said "let's get in the car", for a moment Sarah had hoped that she would be warm and dry.
Fat chance!
#5Docs

"Grandfather! We're on location!"
"Nonsense my child, that is clearly a painted cyclorama with a few rocks strewn in front of it. Where do you get these delusional ideas from, I'll never know."
#5Docs

"Grandfather! Do try to keep up!"
"Oh I rue the day you got a sensible pair of shoes, Susan. Time was you'd be in heels and spraining your ankle every other step!"
#5Docs

"Grandfather! Why don't you rest here while I see if there's anything mmm... about twenty meters ahead."
"But Susan that's so far! What if you get lost?!"
"I'll just have to take that chance."
#5Docs

"Grandfather! You can go for a piss behind this funny blue shed!"
#5Docs

Richard Hurndall suffered frostbite on location and lost the tip of his middle finger. The fingertip was eaten by John-Nathan Turner's dog, Pepsi.
#5Docs

"Grandf-"
"Oh shut up! It's the TARDIS! I bloody love the TARDIS. F*** yeah! Let's get some goddamn roundel action. TARDIS ahoy, mother f***ers!"
#5Docs

"So Ian and Barbara went back home on board the Daleks' time ship. Earth will be fine. I read a book that said it's mostly harmless."
"Really? What book was that?"
"Oh, it was called... the Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy."
#5Docs

"It's no good, Turlough. Even flashing him a bit of my knee isn't waking him up."
"Maybe we could try getting your tits out?"
"Maybe I could try smashing your FACE into the new console!"
#5Docs

"Grandfather!"
"WHY IS MY TARDIS FULL OF PROSTITUTES??"
#5Docs

When you've set up a nice diorama of the TARDIS console room but one of your action figures falls over
#5Docs

"Grandfather! Where's my Ormulu clock? And the Fault Locator? And the ornate chair and the carved birds?"
"Yes! Yes! Where have you hidden them, you perfidious scoundrels?"
#5Docs

"Good grief. What a handsome fellow. There's only one person it could be."
"Who's that, grandfather?"
"Me!"
#5Docs

Peter Davison spent more time on the console room floor than any other Doctor.
Pertwee had a pull-out bed in an IKEA cabinet for these occasions!
#5Docs

Richard Hurndall slipped a disc in his back helping Peter Davison up.
John-Nathan Turner considered recasting, but Hurndall threatened to "sue the living arse" out of the BBC is he did.
#5Docs

This shot reminds me of Futurama!
It's Professor Farnsworth, Amy, Philip J Fry, Leela and...
Zoidberg?!
(Not that Leela)
#5Docs

"Regeneration?"
"No, I'm good thanks. But I'll have a cuppa if you're putting the kettle on."
#5Docs

"Goodness me! So there are eighty-seven of me now!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Haaha ha, wait until you f***ing find out!!"
#5Docs

Doc 1: "Does he make you wear that, dear? What a bastard!"
Tegan: "You smell just like my Aunty Vanessa used to!"
Turlough: "Don't touch him, you don't know where he's been."
Susan: "Grandfather! Sit me on your knee RIGHT NOW!"
#5Docs

As scripted: "The original, you might say."
As delivered: "The Hor-RIDGE-Hon-HAL, you might TSAY!!!!"
#5Docs

"Hey Steve! You set up a running gag with me breaking the fourth wall about two hundred and fifteen captions ago. You had better start picking it up again, people will have forgotten!"
#5Docs

"Right, I've decided to have an orgy. Go to the TARDIS stores and pick up a flagon of baby oil, the bicycle pump, two mattresses, plastic sheeting and all the butter you can carry. Oh and see if you can wake Kamelion up. My will is feeling particularly strong today!"
#5Docs

"Grandfather!"
"On second thoughts cancel the orgy. Just grab some wicker furniture, a fruit salad and some cocktails. And make sure the glasses have curly-wurly straws!"
"Grandfather."
"I love curly-wurly straws."
#5Docs

"If that Transmat beams up and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life."
"But what about us?"
"We’ll always have Pazithi Gallifreya."
#5Docs

"What's your flava, Flavia?"
"If you must know, it's Roast Warthog."
"Indeed!"
#5Docs

"Take this highly advanced piece of Gallifreyan technology! A two-way quantum translocation device that is able to signal across the vastness of time and space. It is in NO WAY a bicycle bell, spray painted gold."
#5Docs

Ding-a-ding!
Ding-a-ding!
#5Docs

"Thank you. Have you got any more crap lying about? A Sony Walkman? An electric tin opener? A Soda-Stream?"
"We do have a copy of The Companions by John-Nathan Turner."
"Forget it!"
#5Docs

"What do I think of this painting? Nobody's thought to ask that before!"
"Really?"
"Yes. Because it's none of their damned business!"
#5Docs #MadMen

The real reason the Master destroyed the Time Lords was because they sent him to fend off the terrors of the Death Zone armed only with a bicycle bell and a novelty ash tray.
#5Docs

"One Death Zone off-peak super-saver day return. You'll have to stop at Minffordd and get a bus. There's a Transmat Replacement Service in operation."
#5Docs

"Can we trust the Master? When he comes up with schemes of such twisted genius?"
"I think we can. In fact, I think we can see right through him."
#5Docs #groan

"And now we wait. Because, like all aristocrats, we Time Lords spend most of our days doing zip all."
"I'll run the champagne bath."
#5Docs

President Borusa would like to hear YOUR "Harp" puns now.
Sample: "Did you pay full whack for that instrument, or did you get it harp-price?"
#5Docs

"I'm not surprised it's called the Death Zone, Doctor. Walking all that way is definitely going to bloody kill me."
#5Docs

"One, two, three, four, I declare a STARE war!"
"Don't you dare, Doctor!"
"Too late! STARE WAR. You know the rules Brigadier, first person to look away is a Gollumpus Jolterhead for a whole year!"
#5Docs

"I won't let you win, Doctor. You know what the troops call me? The STARE MASTER."
"I think that's a reference to your advancing years rather than the strength of your gaze!"
#5Docs

"When it comes to staring contests you can't beat an old pro like me, Doctor. Look at me, my eyes are practically closed anyway! You don't stand a chance."
#5Docs

"That's enough staring, Brigadier. We must focus on getting to the Dark Tower! Look at how far it is."
"Come now Doctor, do you really believe I'm that gullible?!"
#5Docs

"I know this place, to my shame. Yes Brigadier, mine and the shame of every other Time Lord. Rassilon set up his Dark Tower and filled it full of hookers, gambling, cheap booze and every form of sexual perversity!"
"Really?"
"HA! I made you look!"
#5Docs

"Four, three, two, one, The STARE WAR is over and I have WON!"
"Never mind that nonsense Doctor! I'm heading off to this Dark Tower. It sounds like great fun."
"Typical!"
#5Docs

"I'll get you next time, Doctor! Next time!"
"When you pull that face you like just like a Miniature Schnauzer. So cute!"
"GRRR!"
#5Docs

... And so the Doctor and the Brigadier continued their quest to the Dark Tower, little realising the terrible Captions that were still to come.
Monstrous Captions that would test the limits of their sanity - and yours, dear reader!!!
#5Docs

"Heh heh hoh hoh hee haha ho oh he's dead."
#5Docs

"Ohh fancy you coming here when I'm 'alf dead, I'd fix you a drink but I'm bone-dry though you can have some ribs, anyway matron said (in a grrrave voice) she said you're skin and bones, it's an enigma and I said I'm not 'aving one of those nyah nyah nyahhh!"
#5Docs

Despite himself, the Master was grateful for the Transmat Cloaking Device and the really rather lovely cloak it had given him.
#5Docs

To the Master's surprise, a passing Vulcan spaceship dropped a shaft of frozen urine right by where he was standing.
#5Docs

This is #DoctorWho magic.
A good-to-average actor, in a cloak, standing in a Welsh valley.
And yet it IS the Master, the paragon of evil! He is iconic and dangerous. And he IS in the Death Zone in the wilds of Gallifrey!
Is it any wonder we love this show?
#5Docs

I hope you're celebrating #DoctorWhoDay with the customary fruit salad bowl, delicious glasses of GREEN, some plastic orchids and a set of uncomfortable wicker furniture.
#5Docs

"What part of 'Send a signal and wait for the others' is beyond your comprehension, numb-nuts?"
#5Docs

"Oh, hark at Johnny-Stay-In-The-TARDIS! I'm stuck here, up to the neck with temporal instability and wicker chairs - and you're all about sitting on your skinny arse and waiting for Pertwee to save the day! TWAT!"
#5Docs

"Oi-oi you two! Having a nice glass of BLUE here! Would you mind keeping it the fuck down?"
"I'm sorry Tegan, but there is great evil at work here!"
"Not as great as the stupidity of THIS aberrant incarnation! Oh dear me!"
#5Docs

"That's enough of your crap! Look, we are going to the Tomb of Rassilon to sort this shit out. And don't argue back! I know all your little secrets!"
"Such as?"
"Oh, how about mmm... pretending to forget Ian Chesterton's name?"
"Oh you bastard."
#5Docs

"You're rushing off to this Tower when there's obviously great danger! So do me a favour, sir. A single favour! Just tell me the precise DAY that I become such an enormous f***ing w**ker, so that I can punch myself in the face the day before!"
#5Docs

The wiring on the new console was unfinished and Richard Hurndall was electrocuted in this scene.
John-Nathan Turner sent a bunch of grapes to the hospital every day, but Hurndall threw them all in the bin. He hated grapes.
#5Docs

In 1983 BBC Worldwide released a series of "Where's Bessie?" puzzle books. They were available in Eritrea and the Faroe Islands and sold almost 300,000 copies.
Sadly, none are known to exist today.
#5Docs

"I see a little silhouetto of a man, Scaramouche! Scaramouche! will you do the Fan-dang-oh! Join in, Sarah!"
#5Docs

"Why have you stopped?"
"So I can frame my head in the exact shape of this mountain, that's why."
#5Docs

"Let me get my bearings. Ah yes! We follow this very straight road with no junctions or turnings and it'll lead us directly to the Tomb of Rassilon, which is dead ahead!"
"I could have told you that."
#5Docs

"It looks ever such a long way, Doctor. How are we going to get there? Fly?"
"I don't think so, Sarah. It's not as if Bessie can fly! That's totally absurd. A flying car! As if."
"Right who are you and what have you done with the Doctor??"
#5Docs

"Look, whatever is in that tower, it's got enormous power and the weather is so dour. We've already had a shower."
"You want to sit and glower? We'll be there in under an hour. Don't be sour, look at the flower in that bower."
"OW-AH!"
"Sorry, that was my elbow."
#5Docs

Sarah hoped they would find another, deeper lake soon, so that she could hurl her pac-a-mac into it.
#5Docs

*singing*
"It's so easy when you know the rules
It's so easy, all you have to do is fall in love
Play the game
Everybody play the game...
Of Rassilon!"
"Now Sarah. You know I cannot abide Queen after 1977!"
"Oh, Doctor! Surely you can put Greatest Hits on?"
#5Docs

The Master's plan to push this rock up a hill and then roll it down onto Bessie was ambitious even by his standards.
Suffice to say, he hadn't got very far by the time the Doctor arrived.
#5Docs

"BAH-WEEP-GRAAAGHNAH WHEEP NI-NI BONG, Doctor!"
#5Docs

"F***, is Jeremy Clarkson still alive? Hang on Sarah, I'll chuck Bessie into reverse and we'll get the bugger this time!"
#5Docs

When you're desperately trying to remember what you know about Venusian Akido before matey boy backs up and unloads a crate of "HAI!" on your sorry backside
#5Docs

"Careful Doctor, I think I saw a squeegee and a bucket under that cloak!"
#5Docs

"Alfred Zebediah Neil And Christine Hamilton Jehoshaphat Masterson! It is you!"
"Yes, that is my full and correct name."
#5Docs

I'm sure that collar gets bigger in every scene. Any larger and it would technically be a hood.
#5Docs

"My, my, my but you've changed."
"My, my, my but YOU'VE changed!"
"My, my, my but you've REALLY changed!"
"My, my, my but you look completely completely different!"
"My, my, my but what have you done to your hair..."
"Oh will you two get ON with it!"
#5Docs

"What do you mean, you *don't* want my autograph?"
#5Docs

"I carry the Seal of the High Council! Though I've come to call it... My Precious. Ooo, the Precious. Don't let the nasty silver man takes our Preciouses! No! It's ours!"
The Master snarled and ran off.
#5Docs

"Stolen, then? I'll return it at the first opportunity."
The year is now 2022. The Doctor has regenerated 11 times, Gallifrey has been destroyed and restored and the entire Time Lord race has been murdered.
The Doctor still has not returned the Seal.
#5Docs

"Hang on, Doctor. That's a Vogan symbol!"
#5Docs

"Yes, I have heard the eye patch anecdote. I think half the country has heard the eye patch anecdote!"
#5Docs

"You? Help me?"
"That is what I said."
"Fine. You can get round the back and push."
"Pardon?"
"Bessie seems to have stalled, so she needs a shove. Hop to it!"
#5Docs

"No Miss Smith, I am The Master. I am NOT Timothy Claypole from Rentaghost!"
#5Docs

The Doctor Who production team got a reprimand from NASA, who saw this scene and thought the BBC had hacked into their top secret particle cannon satellite.
#5Docs

This explosion was provided by the BBC Pyrotechnics Team, who operated out of a warehouse in Caterham.
You can't visit the warehouse any more, but you can visit the crater where it once stood.
#5Docs

Postman Pert
Postman Pert
Postman Pert and Sarah-Jane Smith
#5Docs

"These Captions are Everywhere!"
#5Docs

"But Doctor, there's not enough road to get Bessie up to 88 miles per hour!"
"Roads? Where we're going, we won't need roads.... Oh. Sorry, we will need roads. And she's unlikely to to over 8 miles per hour, never mind 88!"
#5Docs

Clothes in the eighties could be very flammable.
#5Docs

RUN LIKE A BASTARD!
#5Docs

Anthony Ainley:
- Cricket lover
- Despised cheeses of all kinds
- World Record Holder for the Largest Recorded Fart Ignition.
Roy Castle and Norris McWhirter were present to confirm the record; the temperature was measured at 217⁰C.
#5Docs

The attempts to Timescoop the Master failed because, unlike the first or second Doctors, he could *really* move.
#5Docs

"Why the bloody hell is this bit pink?"
#5Docs

"What now?"
"Lots of Above-Between-Below innuendo I should imagine."
"Disgusting. And the Tomb of Rassilon?"
"If I can't get through the front way, I'll have to see if I can penetrate the back passage!"
#5Docs

"So, Borusa. I can hard drop the L and then three lines vanish at once. See?"
"Bah. What did you can this game?"
"Blockdrop."
"No. It'll never catch on, Chancellor Tetris."
#5Docs

"What did it say?"
"Three words: F*** The Patriarchy."
"Oh dear. That's us, isn't it?"
#5Docs

"If we leave Bessie in the Death Zone, how can you still have it when we're chasing that giant Robot?"
"It is a She, Sarah. And I'm far too heartbroken to deal with your question."
#5Docs

https://mobile.twitter.com/stealexanderuk/status/1597954745083494400

@threadreaderapp unroll