Thread by @CatherineEdgar

📢 4yr Acc-iversary 📢🧠🤕

I love movement! About 6 years ago 🤷‍♀️ I fell in love with @CrossFit methodology.

I decided that as well as working at MacBlair, I wanted to be a CrossFit coach. Weekend of 10/11 of Nov ‘18, I was attending a CrossFit Level 1 course in

Manchester, to get my coaching qualification (I still passed the course).

It is difficult for me to explain my accident; if you know gym racks 😆 I sustained a concussion and whiplash when I accidently initiated a movement with my legs instead of my shoulders and drove my

head into a three-bar pull up rack (wasn’t a dirty south bar).

The picture 👆 was about five hours after I did it. Not bad eh?!

👇 is why @CrossFit should have stopped me from continuing with the course but that is a whole other part of my story.

https://twitter.com/MegynKellyShow/status/1577029471051317268

My NHS “treatment” was abysmal – sadly medical negligence (I don't use those words lightly) is a huge part of why my recovery has been so slow and I have suffered terribly because of it.

After having no choice but to seek private treatment, I literally had to beg to see a

Neuropsychologist late in 2019 before my GP referred me to the brain injury unit. It was a year after I hit my head that I got picked up by the unit. Then Covid came along and that very short window of treatment was stopped (there is more to this that I am not getting into yet).

For now – I didn’t know I was injured; it’s common with brain injury to have no insight, because of what @MacBlair5 did, and my subsequent resignation, I was referred to @cedarfoundation by a wonderful lady from a Condition Management program run by @CommunitiesNI.

Until @cedarfoundation got involved and I started learning about my injury, I had no insight into it and the impact it was having on me and my life.

However long and complicated my story is; here I am, four years in on this journey where I have somehow managed to keep myself

alive despite wanting to die to escape the severe mental and physical pain I suffered.

Daily, I “function” with headache, pressure/visual/cognitive/memory issues, and some movement issues (not including the gym) and whatever anxiety issues that I was prescribed Citalopram for

(I don’t know what they are). I am learning to live with them; during those lucid moments when I remember I have them and that I must be mindful of what I do, so as not to aggravate them - I will likely never coach anything let alone @CrossFit.

Navigating #braininjury

#Concussion #PostConcussion alone is a minefield and something that no one should ever have to do.

So, here's to the next four years of hopefully raising awareness and despite what they have/haven’t done in the past, ensuring those within @healthdpt treat #concussion

with the respect that it deserves and as the #braininjury that it is.

@peterrobinson86 @paulfrewDUP @HWalker_Brown @ConcussionLF @NHSCTrust

concussionni.net/recognise/

🧠Concussion Diary🧠 - 27/11/2018 - 16/7/2020

I'm commiting to posting the diary entries daily, or when written as are, warts 'n' all, only removing names.

Concussion is all-encompassing and without proper help I lost a lot and suffered terribly.

Welcome to my brain... 👇

𝟐𝟕/𝟏𝟏/𝟏𝟖 - No jolts or fast turning, tripping, turning too fast, someone scaring me - causes too much pressure and headache esp in my right eyeball.

(26/11/18 - dropped off bar - dull headache during day - gym @ 5.30 caused pain right in my eyeball, light and crowd

sensitivity almost panic to escape, like that Sat but not as bad).

Can hold plank (on hands & elbows) for 10 seconds - any longer too much pressure.

Can lift - slowly, drop object (no squatting) - depending on weight, if I get too low, too much pressure - can't fully squat

balance - seems ok, need to test in a few days when my eye settles down.

Today - pain still in my eyeball, feel...

𝟐𝟖/𝟏𝟏/𝟏𝟖

Headache not so bad, more nausea about today so far, man that video turned my stomach 🤢 slept really well. Uhh tried to get some anti nausea and we know how that turned out. Nausea is a warning. [End]

My Dr told me to go to A&E, this was the second time I went

the first being 19 Nov, when I was sent away with four pages of head injury information that I was unable to understand.

Up until this point, 18 days after, I was fighting nausea constantly, with everything that I did. A&E told me that nausea is my body warning me to stop. I

now know what that means and see it as the warning that it is, back then, I just didn't understand and kept on going - no insight.

(GCS>12) = Glasgow Coma Scale - Is appropriate for assessment in an emergency setting, however you do not need to lose

nhs.uk/conditions/com…

consciousness to have sustained a concussion = #BrainInjury and it cannot be seen on scans.

Over the decades, language has been used by 'Sport' and those involved in it, to diminish the severity and disabling impact of concussion as a #BrainInjury,

concussionni.net/recognise/

here I will refer to it as the #BrainInjury that it is.
Concussion is a #TBI, a Traumatic Brain Injury and while the majority of cases resolve, mine didn’t, which left me in the territory of Post Concussion Syndrome #PCS.

As my diaries progress, I will only add narrative to inform or give the full picture, it will become obvious why.

concussionfoundation.org/PCS-resources/…

𝟐𝟗/𝟏𝟏/𝟏𝟖

Off work 🤢 feel less green than yest, noticing a headache starting. Moving slowly and controlled. Reading hurts my eye + I can't read properly need to do it slow, word by word paying more attention than normal.

𝟑𝟎/𝟏𝟏/𝟏𝟖

Off work - Think I slept too much, had a nasty headache all day but no nausea. Reading still hurts my eye.

𝟏/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Off work - Just a bit of a headache. Still moving very slow and controlled. Took maw to Tesco, not a good trip...felt quite green. Not sure if I should go back to work...will try Coleraine tom.

𝟐/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Didn't sleep too good, took my supergreens too late 🙄 woke up to pee...seen the strangest shit. Like...there was a hologram between my eyes and where I was walking. It was like fancy velvet wallpaper with blue spots and watermark lions floating throughout...

I thought I saw an aura in my right eye but it wasn't...heh.

So, I'm tired but feel ok. Coleraine was ok, just dopey and tired, uninterested is a good description...weirdly happy to wonder with Maw, she called time before I did. Going back to work tomorrow. [End]

Aura = migraine warning (for me).

The hallucinations turned out to be hypnopompic and occurred regularly during the night when I was waking up but, was still asleep. It fascinates me 😊

I had my most recent a few nights ago, they are fantastic, I love them and they were never

a cause of concern for me. Obviously if you haven’t hit your head, and these aren’t ‘normal’ for you, but you begin to experience them, get checked out!

They are one of my fav things about my #BrainInjury

Note - I hate shopping, I don't 'wander' 😝

sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-work…

𝟑/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Back to work today, lets see how it goes. I'm tired! 😴🤕🤢 didn't sleep too good, woke up all sweaty...

Got through work ok, still wonky and shit but keeping on keeping on. Prob did a bit too much today...nausea blah blah...had a few "too many things goin on"

moments but just walked away...coping with light better than last time. [End].

Light sensitivity 👇

cognitivefxusa.com/blog/light-sen…

𝟒/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Felt like shite this morning 🤢 dissipated over the day 😴🤕🤕🤪🤯

Headache was all over head today, took ibuprofen and all was good with the world again. Still slow...and dopey but heh.

Doing nothing but keeping on keeping on... 💀 no weird "overcome" moments

think I'm to ...chilled...? to give a shit. [End].

I used/use Emoji to describe my symptoms when I couldn't/can't find the words.

𝟓/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

My alarm! I'm a numpty! No alarm clock!!! Started HRV again, be interesting to see what physiological changes are present.

Defo don't feel as bad today but the heaviness is very much there, esp driving to work.

Yesterday I was "nope, not going on Sat night" now

I'm "might go".

Sleepy eyes. Was high as fuck this morning...don't understand, I also couldn't give a shit about what was happening. "It" seemed to lift about 3pm and I felt kinda normal, was able to hold a clear, coherent conversation - I could think! [End]

Alarm = The shock of waking up with an alarm was very violent for me in the early days, painful.

HRV = Heart Rate Variability - before I hit my head, I was a clean eating CrossFitter, and was monitoring my health in various ways, @EliteHRV

elitehrv.com

was one of them. I stopped paying attention when I hit my head.

'I'm "might go"' = was my CrossFit Box's Christmas party, I've missed all of them since likely including this coming one.

crossfit.com

𝟔/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Slept great, prob too good, woke up before my alarm with a violent headache, didn't jump awake I don't think...like a migraine without aura but as soon as I got up, it dissipated. Might be getting too much sleep now...

No nausea today, feel quite human with heavy

eyes prob a bit sore too...not sure.

Uhh think it'll still be a few weeks before I am back training, think I'll lift in work for a week then train...heh I don't know...just each day as it comes. I trust the process still not lifting in work. Overall feel stable enough today,

might be able to move freely...

Moved quite freely today, think there was too much happening for my head at one point, was getting quite agitated, although it's not busy - was busy for me, my brain hurt - sharply, but other than ...a sedated dullness...w no nausea.

Still can't bend and lift without pressure, can kneel slowly and lift light things slowly - no pressure at all.

Less emptiness, a bit more interest, felt a bit lost and wrestless tonight.

𝟕/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Woke up before my alarm again...hangover with no nausea today. Fuckin awesome. 🤬 Getting sick of this.

Had a lorry near enough intend to drive through me going to work and instead of anger or disbelief, I just popped into tears...great!

Feeling fanfuckintastic..

Managed to get the headache under control w ibuprofen and cocodamol then ... scared the shit outta me, I literally jumped out of my skin. I got dizzy a couple of times and my head kept pulsing in pain for about half an hour after it, then my eyeball got really sore again.

What a fuckin day 🤕🤬 cried a few times today. No two days have been the same...I can't keep up...

eyecanlearn.com/tracking/sacca… [End]

"Popped" = "Burst", couldn't think of the word and it dawned on me later. I use different words, older ones that society have left behind, it is

quite odd 🤔 but the words have the same meaning, I get corrected a lot shall we say 😆

Eye Can Learn = I discovered this to try and tackle my reading issues, it was too soon for me to do this as I didn't understand my need for total rest. Sadly, most of my 'recovery', has been

me trying to "fix myself" too soon, and in ways that I didn't understand that I wasn't able to do at the time.

I just wanted to be better but with no help or internal understanding, I believe I made things worse.

Hangover = I can't drink alcohol, I describe my symptoms as a "hangover".

𝟖/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Woke up before my alarm again with a splitting headache, might be taking too many vitamins...will only take one today. As of now, it's under control hopefully it'll stay that way, might make it tonight time will tell. That scare yesterday didn't help matters either.

No nausea so that's something...working today. There's a different clarity about today too, hope that stays.

HRV readings are interesting, scare fucked me up, HRV shows it!

Went to CF dinner, had a couple of drinks, just not feeling it at all 🤕 meh...! Good thing is, no

headache from this mornings yay!! Can't wait to wake up in the morning...not!!

Managed to keep my emotions under control...just. Am I depressed...?! One thing I keep doing now is sighing, taking in a deep breath mid conversations, also I don't recall having stretched for three

weeks, I stretched and yawned this morning - I noticed cause I really enjoyed the feeling of it 😂 sad?! oh and I can move more freely, able to kneel for a few mins when talking to ... Had bother with ... at the dinner ... was sat on my right hand side, I have some sort of issue

with looking/turning that way, can't put my finger on it but I don't feel good when I look that way, I'll have to explain to ... when I see her.
Wonder if I can fall asleep tonight without painkillers, my head is gently sore, HA gently sore who knew there was such a thing. [End]

"Am I depressed" = I was continually told by my drs that I was "just depressed", I was questioning myself and what I was going through. This is a horrible feeling, I felt dismissed by them, not believed and a burden. That's why I only went back recently & because I was desperate.

𝟗/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

No painkillers needed last night, sat up and "watched" Jaws, still drifting.

Feel ok this morning bit of an ache in my head/eye but nothing I'll try and let bother me. Woke up at 8 so about 6hrs sleep, will doze later probably.

Feel a bit more positive today,

...a bit. But no adverse effects from last night 😁 small blessings. Better than yesterday anyway 🙄

Just realised about the roll in my hair last night hurting my head 🙄 my eye is very irritated today.

Stretched and yawned today again 😁 it pleases me ☺️ noticed my neck,

shoulders and back of head is more sore...

Was seeing grey spots in ...'s pink coat that wasn't spotty. Couldn't remember Mamma Mia - know I was at it and stayed in Europa but to and from sketchy - struggle to recall other things - too many to note but I'll keep track from now

on - it was a wee "uhh" moment in front of family that I couldn't remember.

Would say I was more "involved" today than I've been. I'm moving faster, getting pressure build up when I do - like getting up too fast - slow down.

Had a bath - noticed the change in my head when

almost lying flat and getting up. Uhh my eyes are sore but seem to be getting it together, overall positive improvement and no cocodamol from this morning 🤞

𝟏𝟎/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Alarm woke me, ehh no headache as such a bit of an eye ache, I know it's there. Feel more out of it today than pain.

My head feels like there is a weight on it but no big pain, I feel pressure build up when I kneel and move quickly, but positive improvement.

Just tidyed shelves. Not lifting. As of 08.24 no cocodamol. ... had a nice chat with me and ... about how I am feeling, warmed my cockles.

As of 10.15 no cocodamol. Definitely feel like there is a brick in my head but no pain. 𝘚𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘦

𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘬, 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 😂 I'm too afraid of turning fast. Haven't really zoned out have stumbled over my words a couple of times, I somehow use words that I am not thinking of or meaning to say, it's weird but they mean the same thing as the word I'm

trying to say, an alternative that just pops out.

Turned around too fast after lunch, my head started throbbing, done it a couple of times, it kinda stops you in your tracks. Two cocodamol taken today. Definitely more present, four weeks today from the headbutt.

[End]

At this point in my journey, my manager at @MacBlair5 amended my duties, to put it politely I hadn’t a clue what was happening. I continued with my routine regardless of pain and symptoms and wasn't aware, at any point of the severity of my injury. I will be eternally grateful

for what he did prior to August 2020 because he helped “me” progress with relearning various skills, and he helped me stay in work when it was extremely likely, that I would have succumbed to the pain and who knows where I would be now.

Obviously, there are two sides of the

coin, I suffered terribly in continuing to stay in ‘Catherine’s routine’, I should have been at home resting, and I acknowledge that I did more damage trying to ‘live’ as I was. Therefore, it is vitally important for everyone to know how to recognise #concussion and #braininjury

to prevent further damage and suffering.

My #braininjury was life changing when it didn't need to be, hence why I am doing this 🤕🧠

concussionni.net/recognise/

𝟏𝟏/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Feeling a bit more green today 🤢 slept great, nothing bad to report maybe I did a bit too much yesterday...idk...HRV...defo not as good as yesterday ☹️ just reading 👇 inability to tolerate cold - quite violent shaking on Sat night

cognitivefxusa.com/blog/post-conc…

going in and coming out of party. [End]

Original article I was reading no longer exists, 👆 a substitute.

𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

My head is a bit sore today, didn't sleep too good. Parp! Heh.

Getting tired of the "here but not here" feeling 😡

Move freer...?🤔 eh, actually thinking about going to sit on the bike tom...

𝟏𝟑/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Ugh 😫 eyes are sank in the back of my head...no bike. Feel rather bad. Too much fun yesterday. HRV. Wonder if shit food makes a difference my willpower has vanished.

Coming home from work at wee roundabout - was on another planet, I knew the car was indicating

to go round it - I seen it flashing but it never registered with me, I near drove out in front of it. I am still drifting quite a bit. There's been a few times where my judgement was wrong.

𝟏𝟒/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Woke up with a headache and nausea came on in work only lasted a couple of hours 🤢

Being jolly still hurts my head. More able to look over my right side. Still saying words I don't mean to say but have similar meaning.

Ehh 😆 was able to see my hands as a pair

again, was only seeing them as two hands - weird as fork - a left and a right hand, couldn't make the association that they were a pair even though I knew they were - but can today, forgot to mention that.

I completely forgot it was Christmas jumoer day - completely.

Might go

tom 🤞 ...😍 eh also noticed how I'm not missing the gym, obv brain still not right 🤔 I feel like I should be feeling something...but I don't 😔 I haven't made sense of it yet. Will I ever feel like I did before? I know I'll go back to the gym I just hope I have the same

mindset and desire to do what I trained so hard to do ☹️ When I kept getting lung infections I was chomping at the bit...meh 😥

Reading is coming along, if I concentrate too hard I still get pains in my head, time...! [End]

My ‘diaries’ were noted on my phone.

𝟏𝟓/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Not so hot this morning 😵 rather absent and squashed eyeball. Took me forever to drop off last night.

Ehh not giving much of a shit this morning.

13.58 - head is pounding - took maw to Tesco, stalled the car - another day not to be driving. Ibuprofen and 4

cocodamol helped.

Able to just dry hair without stalling and thinking about it - weird HRV at about 19.15. Ehh...

𝟏𝟔/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Woke up at 04.48, not a chance in hell was I getting up 😂 dozed off about 7, up at 08.30.

Feel more focused so far, changing the bed. No headache no nausea. Prob would have went if yest was today. Talking maybe with a wee slur today...just chilling on the sofa

allllll day. No cocodamol as yet 14.18. Downloaded a brain game...ehh played for about 8 rounds 🤔😳🤯 I also googled feeling high, interesting, defo some of it makes sense - realise that my green elastic band was keeping me 'here' - my eye is getting agitated now - will stop.

[End]

"Green elastic band" - hair bobble that I continually, subconsciously, had and played with on my wrist. I eventually got something similar to one of these wee beasties, from a basket in Waterstones, not knowing until now that they help anxiety…heh?! I just thought I was a

weirdo 😂I carried it everywhere.

toysmegastore.co.uk/gb/elastic-dec…

𝟏𝟕/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Not feeling awesome but not feeling shite.

I'm aiming to go sit on the bike tonight.

Getting sharp pains in my head while driving, there's like a block/line cutting through - I know it's there when I'm not. Still feel dopey and not here yet.

I am no on this planet today. Can't plait my hair - plaited eventually.

Brain game - cannot get past memory level. Beyond not giving a shit today 😂 it's unsettling...I know I should be feeling something like maybe worry but I'm not worried at all... it's like my gut is saying

✌️ all good man but my head is saying what the fork is going on 😂 very unfocused.

... and phone doing my head in today 🤯

More focused and here this afternoon. Going to gym, gonna sit on the bike and maybe try 2.5kg plate carry...maybe 🤔

14.9 mins on bike, dont feel any

more tired than earlier, squeezed eyeball pain has faded about 1.30 recovery - still an ache in head just the same as before I started.

I love the emptiness of bedtime - the dark, silence, stillness. [End].

"still an ache in head just the same as before I started"

- IF you sustain a concussion, DO NOT even contemplate exercise until all symptoms are settled.

There are so many things that MUST come first before you begin thinking about a return to sport.

concussionni.net/return/

𝟏𝟖/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Not feeling so hot today ☹️ head is v heavy no nausea as yet but not out of bed... gonna start fasting again in an attempt to equalise my ANS 😔 mostly sympathetic, maybe that's why I keep sighing, my body is telling me to breathe deeper.

Driving defo made me

feel even worse 🤢 prob won't make it to bike tonight, not feelin today at all.

Ehh maybe fasting isn't the right thing to be doing right now, had some protein at 10, feel better, forked if I know!!

After gym - No headache as such my eyeball feels bruised, done a bit of

saccadic movement while on the bike, it tires you out quite quickly, might have the balls to turn around tom night. Watched bunny. I feel pleasant now even though my eye hurts, all good 🤞 for tom night, no fasting in the morn.

Realised I can't get pissed off hurts my head 😂🤣

𝟏𝟗/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Feel better than I've done, still have a hangover but can handle it. HRV still sympathetic yellow - can't change it at all - no fasting today - I do feel quite agitated trying my best to stay positive, will avoid ... - will go on the bike tonight.

Was chatting too much 🤢 about 30 mins recovery.

Meh don't feel so great now 15.43 - head is sore - still go sit on bike anyway...

Classes were cancelled - did me a favour. 𝑴𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒌 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒋𝒂𝒘 𝒈𝒐𝒕 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒐𝒏𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕.

Can't get over to sleep 21.44 just had a moment where I remembered, I can't pinpoint the level 1 course, my brain keeps telling me it's September 😧 I know it happened but I can't see a picture in my head uhh made me feel panicky, and that's not the only time this has happened,

I can't remember when else though 😓 I go to put my finger on them and they are not there... I just can't see it - is remembering "seeing" things in your head?! BTW if it wasn't for auto correct none of this would be legible.

𝟐𝟎/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

HRV SYMPATHETIC RED 3 - Don't need hrv to tell me I feel awful 🤕the "divide" feeling in my head is back again - it's how I imagine your head would feel if there was an axe in it - blunt pain cutting right into the middle of my head. I feel strong enough mentally

to carry it but I'ma need drugs 😑 my ice pack doesn't work, the pain is right in my head, no nausea as yet.

No gym... 😔 had to double dose cocodamol - head is cracked - feel dizzy, wozzy and just plain shite, week off can't come quick enough. Sighing a lot more today again.

Started to lift about 3-ish - I think. 𝑱𝒂𝒘 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒐𝒖𝒄𝒉, 𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕. Might be able to roll out at weekend... still get pressure in my head when I hold my breath - inhaler. Shitting pain came right into my top teeth - right side 🤬 no saccadic eye m'ments.

𝟐𝟏/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

My arms were odd this morning, like a bit limp. All I can smell is toast but 60% better than yesterday 🙏🤙 there's an ache in my head but nothing that requires painkillers yet. Eyes are a bit heavy. Why do I have the desire to cover myself in perfume since

this happened?

Completely forgot that I had to wear my heart rate sensor in order for the app to recognise it. When it's not there, it really isn't there...

Maybe I'm fighting a cold atm too, nose has been running a lot last few days.

I'm tired today. Running backwards

couldn't set my alarm properly.

I realised that I can't measure my recovery by my training, I have to measure it by my response to daily life and how well my mind and body are coping with it.

Shopping HRV - hr 115 🙄 no saccadic eye movements.

𝟐𝟐/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Maybe slept too long, headache on left side, I wasn't getting up at 06.20 🙄 so 09.13 it was 😆

When doing saccadic eye movement, it almost feels like I'm predicting the rabbit's movements, a weird feeling - my eyes are getting better at catching it but the

sensation is very odd when I do especially when I am able to do it for a few seconds at a time.

I'm a bit absent today.

Definitely struggling with some of ... "behaviours", do you know how long it took me to get used to them?! I'm too tired to cope when shopping.

Noticed I

can't look at my shoulders properly - I was putting cream on, to be expected really if I have bother talking over my shoulder, I'ma have bother looking at it. Just another thing.

𝟐𝟑/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Slept awesome, feel better than yesterday. More "here" today. Still headache on left side, realised it's been on the left for a few days, maybe it's just moving its way out from right to left.

Was gonna go sit on a bike but thought for the sake of a few calories

it's not worth ruining my Christmas. It does feel like it's in my eyeball though 🤔 maybe it'll pass through it like it did on my right, half way there maybe?? 🙏🤞

Had a snooze, still a headache. Just sitting here thinking about training... don't know how I'm coming back from

this yet... I'm worried about my communication skills and how they have been affected - I know they have. I'm worried about my perception skills, my judging skills...my everything skills!! Will time heal it all or will I be left with damage that I can't fix?! How will I know 😶

Noticed that when I lie on the sofa, I struggle to get off... flopping on to the floor is easier than getting my body coordinated. Forgot that everytime I hold my breath, my head pounds like I got up too fast - salt pipe / inhaler.

I can remember Manchester and associate

all of it now but my head ached when I did, trying too hard is that possible? Was I creating the pathway forcefully and it hurt? [End]

"Will I be left with damage that I can't fix?!" - Yes and no. I have visual issues, vestibular issues, endocrine issues, and memory issues that I can’t fix on my own. Could I fix them if I could afford the private help that I was getting before Covid and @MacBlair5 – who

knows🤷‍♀️

The cognitive and movement difficulties I have, I have been fixing but very, very slowly, it has been an arduous process of trial and error where I must work within my limits. Because my headaches are connected to my visual issues, and somehow to my increased heart rate

with movement, overuse of my visual systems and my cardiovascular system has at times crippled me, leaving me in severe physical and mental pain.

As time has gone on, I have had to relearn the foundations of movement to enable me to move how I want and need, and I still have a

lot of work to do. However, my most recent concussion seems intent on sending me on a different path yet again. So 🤷‍♀️

𝟐𝟒/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

No feeling of headache today, tired but alright so far. Not using phone much today, conscious decision.

Fitz has a brain injury, I can relate, it's nice to see what he's been doing and recognise it in myself.

NO headache as of 10.55.

Muscle memory - don't

think about the action, let the action help you think.

Feeling more like myself today. No headache as of 13.04.

No headache at all today - think I watched too much TV though, around 20.30 I started seeing a wee silver circle in my left eye, thought it was an aura so took

cocodamol just in case, didn't go away. I have done nothing for three days but watch TV, some visual disturbance is inevitable. Might go for a walk tom.

𝟐𝟓/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

It's like...the memory is in fragments, like a jigsaw puzzle and...association is the missing bit that completes it, glues all the pieces together - you can see all the bits (some more clearly than others) and I know they all happened simultaneously but you need

the association? ...I don't know if that's the right word, or "sense" to piece it all together...this fucks my mind a lil', I don't know if I'm frightened or intrigued/inspired to learn more about it.

Uh I'm good today, no headache 😁 Still get pain in my head when I

...interact? too quickly. Just too much information at one time I guess.

Visual disturbance in my right eye now as of 12.50 - a shiny line - not sure if it's because of the pain in my head when I turned or cause ... scared me 🙄

5 eyed monster in Monsters Inc hurts my head,

can't look at it properly.

Left eye has twitched a few times today. [End].

My memory is a washing machine of random flashes of images that I can 'see' in my head. I struggle to isolate those images to find memories and pull them out of the collage. I am unable to visualise,

and I 100% believe that this impacts my ability to remember things - like my memory is visual and 'seeing' it in my head allows me to make a connection to what I need to remember.

If I don't have pain in my head to think about, my 'lift music', my background thinking is a void.

𝟐𝟔/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Three days without headache as background music. Left eye twitch though.

Woke up at 3 with really warm legs, very unusual, took of my leggings and practically had to hug the wall to try and cool them down, took ages. Really weird sensation.

Started sneezing

again 😆 don't know if "missed" sneezing is the right word and didn't realise I haven't sneezed in weeks 'till today 😂 body has it all under control.

Good all day.

Started catching a golf ball - eye tracking it is horrible!! Terrible sensation 😳

Still get pain when I start brushing my teeth. Overall I reckon I am operating at about 80%, what happens when I go back to work...?!

𝟐𝟕/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

No headache. Still can't hold my breath, get major pressure and throbbing. Feel rested 😊 still have pain in my chest, think something needs coughed out. Still occasional visual anomaly but pretty normal last few days.

𝟐𝟖/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Alarm scared the shit outta me but no headache so far today 🤞 still initial pain when I brush my teeth, it fades after a few brushes.

𝑹𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒔𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒏 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒌 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒃𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒌𝒖𝒍𝒍, right in there at

lunchtime, some sort of tension thing going on? Ponytail?! Had to take drugs, maybe have the balls to try rolling it out tom... might start doing saccadic eye movement again too now.

Can't 'see' Manchester again.

𝟐𝟗/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Woke up with a headache at 6 but it dissipated.

Had snooze before gym. Was really nervous while driving to gym 😟 really nervous, trying to not let it overwhelm me, trying. Not sure what to expect, maybe that's my problem, expectations!!! "Don't think about the

action let the action help you think".

Was shaking when I went in, I don't get it. ... tried to reassure me, didn't at all😟 Eh it went OK - more positive than negative - was almost bursting into tears a couple of times, not sure why. Felt overwhelmed a couple of times not

really over anything, I wasn't thinking of anything but moving so not sure why I was reacting that way rn🤔 ...just don't know how I am gonna get to be a coach now. I was watching ... and could see/cope with the movements broken down but couldn't 'see' it as one, it was too fast

the hang clean was the worst though, I couldn't feel it as 'one'. Deadlift felt fine, rdl felt fine. Difficulty keeping track of reps even though I wrote it down - losing count, getting better towards end. Absent and very emotional 😭 after...and very difficult to focus but no

headache. Felt horrible, embarrassed maybe too walking out past competitors, I feel very disconnected and not like I was ever a 'part' of 'it', feeling like I'll never be a part of it too.

Absent feeling lasted to approximately 14.00 - I went to Tesco - felt really

uncomfortable mentally - yup I'm a bit tired but more just not feeling right than anything ☹️ started getting left side headache about 14.30 it's also touch sore 🙄 gonna get drunk 😂😂

16.08 - just got off the sofa, was lying down, I just didn't feel right when I came back

from Tesco, pain pulsing in my head, right side heavy pressure, also very warm now, was really cold earlier. VERY unimpressed with myself right now 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 can't see Manchester again 🙄

Starting to feel a bit more normal / recovered now 19.00. Do I count it as recovery from

end of class OR from when the headache started?

It was an overstimulated sensitivity to everything!! [End]

The class I attended was at 09.00 I believe.

𝟑𝟎/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Woke up to let cat in, so far so good. A bit tired but no sign of a headache. Left side still touch sore I'm hopefully gonna roll out later 🤞

Keep getting dizzy, off kilter - not the right word, can't describe it - it's like a slowness where I can see myself

trying to catch up - uhh if you wave your hand in front of your face you can see the progression - like that but I feel that progression rather than see it...today, suppose I shouldn't have been dancing 🤣 well I stopped when it hit me!!

I'm struggling to think of 'stuff' today

was updating my new WOD log - finding detail hard to recall, thankfully I've been doing this ⬆️⬇️

'Watching' 6 mins of FIF haven't 'watched' any of it, zoned out. Heart is pounding in my head, left side but no headache.

Left eye stab pain when reading and concentrate - sounds

daft but I can type without concentrating thanks to auto correct but to read and try to take it in causes pain...bloody annoying and forking weird, been like this for weeks, pisses me off!

Rolled out a wee bit 13.34 - felt a tiny bit of nausea and ...wonky? for about a minute

after, can cope with that!! Something to work on.

15.38 - drank a few Baileys, feeling good!! Still feel like a lead wall is pulling me back when I stand up but good 😊

𝑺𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒌 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏 15.47 - 𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒔𝒆... 😠

Cried a lot

today 😭 don't think it's a good idea to be drinking now, my heart was breaking all day 😔 don't know if I'll go in the morning 😔 heh... 😔

Trying so hard to remember...when it's gone it's really gone.

𝟑𝟏/𝟏𝟐/𝟏𝟖

Woke up grand today, no issues.

Went to gym, pretty nervous again - looked at the board and I just felt fear - fear of not knowing what I could do and what I couldn't I think, I don't know why I'm reacting like this BUT managed to hold it together.

Was very emotional again, nearly doing the crying thing when ... was demonstrating - wanted to run into the toilet. I know I'm SNS today but I'm green too. Fear and watery eyes I'm sure I looked happy 😂 I can't control it no matter how many deep breaths I take, it just happens.

It went great, better than Saturday. Yes, I'm a bit empty up top at the min but defo don't feel as jittery in my skin or overstimulated as I did on Sat. Still can't put weight down 🤔 carried 3 20kg plates but just didn't know how to put them down, was the same with 20kg adhesive

in work weeks ago. Have to go to Tesco, hopefully it stays that way.

Tesco was fine, had my headphones in, ran into ... 😁

Uhh 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒌𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒉 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 3.30𝒊𝒔𝒉, 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆

𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏, 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒅𝒊𝒅 𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒅𝒂𝒚.

𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒓𝒐𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔, 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒓𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒌.

𝑻𝒓𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒃𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒅 𝒃𝒚 𝒊𝒕,

𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒍, 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒍𝒊𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒖𝒑 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒆𝒇𝒕 𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏 🤬

𝑯𝒂𝒅 𝒂 𝒃𝒂𝒕𝒉 - 18.15𝒊𝒔𝒉 - 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒂 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚

𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒌𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒓 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒆 - 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒏'𝒕 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒊𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒇𝒍𝒂𝒕, 𝒔𝒍𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 2/3 𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒐𝒘𝒔, 𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒍𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒕𝒉 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉, 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒆

𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒕 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒕𝒉.

𝑯𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒏'𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒆𝒅, 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒚 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒌 / 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏.

Been really struggling to get

over to sleep this week, my heart rate isn't pounding at bed time but it's enough to keep me stimulated. Also been really warm, have to strip off which is unusual. [End]

SNS - Sympathetic nervous system. I spent a considerable amount of time in 'fight or flight'.

I believe I wrote in italics to try and highlight the information to myself as important, to make myself acknowledge it - it didn't work, I hadn't a clue.

Interestingly, I have never been able to lie flat, I could do limited sit-ups and different movements while on my back or belly but lying flat is a 'no, no'.

With this concussion I have had to increase my pillows again 🤷‍♀️

𝟏/𝟏/𝟏𝟗

I am very fatigued and super sore this morning, to be expected after yest. A bit of a headache but nothing compared to recent days.

Don't want to deal with being cold this morning, put the heating on. Back to work tom 😒 I don't know how training is gonna work if I

keep suffering the way I have 😔 don't think I'm as far forward as I think I am.

Horrible noise sensitivity today - popping my supplements was like mini bombs going off in my head.

I'm knackered and sore but just farting along.

As of 14.19 really shaky, not cold just shaking.

Can't be bothered thinking about this anymore.

Haven't filled in my wod diary for yesterday.

Trying to stick to belly breathing. [End]

Wod diary - Work Out of the Day.

𝟐/𝟏/𝟏𝟗

Woke up quite clumsy this morning, dropping things also noise sensitivity again and maybe light, a bit shaky too I suppose. Head is…I’m aware it’s not right, not quite sore but maybe just pressure.

I don’t know…um back at work today, just playing it by ear. I hope

to hear back from someone today… naw messaged someone at CRC hopefully they can give me some info.

𝑯𝒂𝒅 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒃𝒊𝒈, 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒖𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌, 𝒎𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒌, 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒖𝒑 – 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒖𝒑 𝒂𝒇𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒍𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒉

I don’t know if there is something about getting out of bed, all the issues are more evident in the morning.

I defo don’t want any hassle, cannot be bothered with it…don’t want to be anywhere near hassle and …’s negativity is too much to bear, there was no escape this morning

and that’s going to make work very difficult for me. I’ve put all I have left into getting this far through this…I can’t spare any more mental effort.

Phone ringing was horrible, so loud. Don’t think I over interacted today…so maybe an improvement there.

Gym was grand, not

as frightened – prob a bit too tired to be overwhelmed…if that’s possible, not giving a shit. The first bit of relief I’ve had in my neck and shoulders was stepping into that band for the good mornings – need to do more of that.

Funky tights aren’t good at end of wod 😵

I was pretty high driving home, that’s the one bit of this I don’t want to end 😂 but prob dangerous for driving 🤪 meh...I don't know - today was good and bad but in comparison to before Christmas 👌

Heart pounding in head – left side 21.11. I don’t know if I should pre-empt…?

a headache and take painkillers, just in case. Just sat in me bed…trying to stay as under stimulated as possible, it’s pounding, got up to take painkillers, pain in right side of head… [End]

I contacted local sports clubs asking for details of their concussion specialists and

received no replies.

I also contacted others looking for help but was never replied to.

This one 👇 is interesting for reminding me of doing further harm as I tried to fit back into my life.

𝟑/𝟑/𝟏𝟗

Ung...woke up with a hangover uhhh feel a bit grim...no nausea, bit of a headache, really heavy eyes just 😔 but hey ho, we'll see how it goes.

Pain in head bending down and drinking water. Definitely sore into my right eye today. 2 cocodamol before driving to work.

Feel very heavy, maybe a wee bit vacant, typing this hurts my eye.

Yup feeling rather high again 08.28 yea without care…and hella slow. Bit of blood about again today in right nostril – will start tracking it. Last time was 2nd time I went to A&E.

Putting shit away, had to stop and rest, too much pressure in my head. Had a wobbling experience just sitting in the car at lunch.

Felt more lucid towards the end of the day, worked away at putting out Tucks – had to take quite a few breaks – got dizzy, pressure etc a few times

but it helped me figure out some issues I think with coordinated movement. Knackered by the end of it, heavy concentrating day.

No responses yet to my cries for help…but oh well.

I feel so much better tonight just chillaxing on my ice pack.

Head is pounding with pressure,

just sitting watching TV at 20.20.

𝟒/𝟏/𝟏𝟖

𝑾𝒐𝒌𝒆 𝒖𝒑 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒐𝒇 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒆. Not feeling great right now 🤢 just realised I forgot to take my antihistamine and cyk last night. Forgot to brush my teeth the other night.

Headlights are a problem today, everything is being pulled into the back of my

head, I don't want to take cocodamol 😔

Killer back of head ache today, very bad noise/light sensitivity - basically told ... to shut the hell up, his voice was just booming in my head, feel terrible - gums are suffering.

Doc - higher, lower blood pressure reading - referred

for CT scan - don't take cocodamol anymore, bloods taken. Gave me citalopram 10mg - don't want to take it.

No coffee/alcohol/training/lifting until after scan - I'll cut back on sugar too 😥

Every bump in the road is like a small explosion in my brain.

Went to get ... off

the train, walking over the bridge, seeing things move under it not good, uneasy terrible feeling, maybe nausea if I stayed on it long enough. Maybe motion sickness?

Head starting to clear about 17.00 but still sore. [End]

I was clean eating before I hit my head then became terribly sugar addicted.

My 'life' became a distorted journey in someone else's routine that I could not understand or escape but something inside drove me onwards.

It never needed to be this way 👇

concussionni.net/recognise/

𝟓/𝟏/𝟏𝟗

Headache, woke up with it. Bit of blurred vision today, heartbeat pounding in left ear again. Grim. Feel like I'm on the edge of nausea like I've just caught a migraine and I'm waiting for the painkillers to kick in.

Yea definitely some motion problems, feel slowed

down again, I know I'm in a bit of bother put it that way.

Really shaky today - like when using my hands.

Still noise/light sensitivity, headache has hung around all day, went from all over to right side. Heart pounds in my left ear every once in a while. Been very tired.

Focusing on the screen hurts my eye. When I start to brush my teeth, I still get pain in the right side of my head.

𝟔/𝟏/𝟏𝟗

No headache, feel ok today, feels like my immune system took a beating though, bit of a sore back left sinus/top of throat…not sure and major dry skin at side of mouth.

Defo heavy fog 😒 mentally stronger today. Am I getting sick and my brain doesn't know how to

Cope with it?

Issues reading – stumbling vision? …reread words. Visually tired. I’m walking like I’m catching up with myself, like I’m 2-3 seconds behind.

Heavy pounding in head when I get up too fast, heartbeat in left ear. Right eye pain. I think Thurs was a symptom day

that I didn’t recognise, did too much Wed night, then compounded it Thurs by putting that pallet away, I took loads of breaks though 😡 2/3 day recovery from "episode" - like when I was last off work. I kinda feel like if this keeps happening, there will be no way back -

recovery will take longer.

I feel like it’s chipping away at me, and every “episode” takes a wee bit of me that I won’t get back again. I believe I’ve had 3 “episodes”, I won’t let it happen again.

Will go to Tesco later – flip n eck all was OK, just wandering around then they

turned the lights on – my heart rate went a bit mental phew, couldn’t wait to get out of there – I’m fighting against it though.

Just sat and stared at the TV. [End]

"Episode" - was the culmination over hours / days of doing too much cognitively and physically, which ended in me having mental downs in work. I was sent home to recover. I had no insight and didn’t understand the impact of being in work on me.

The lack of insight from myself

is painful to read, and I wonder how much of it I still carry.

𝟕/𝟏/𝟏𝟗

Man, I feel dazed today, very heavy eyes, maybe numb, not quite thinking good either – trying to get Jim Morrison lyrics right in my head, can’t back to knowing the pieces but not being able to get it straight in my head – not sure I should be at work, see how it goes

Realised today, I am in a bit of bother. Today was not fun, terribly tired all day. Can’t afford to have this happen again, my brain might not recover.

Realised link between brain injury and immune system response / attack 🙄 my tongue has been swollen for weeks and I defo feel

like I’m fighting something.

Remembered I fell backwards on my last squat on Wed night, is that why?

Started the Citalopram 10mg after … told me it’ll help bring my blood pressure down. [End]

Jim Morrison - Doors lyrics, not sure what I was trying to communicate.

When I went to the gym I continually fell over, definitely compounded my injury.

"Realised today I'm in a bit of bother" - I continually 'realised' it - just didn't understand.

https://twitter.com/CatherineEdgar/status/1610914737088335873