Cup of tea; time to kill. You know what that means; #Storytime.
There is a story the bees used to tell, which makes it hard to disbelieve. #Storytime
A woman was going to market. As always, she took her own carriage, adorned with her ancient family crest, and lined with scarlet cushions and curtains of matching velvet. #Storytime
As always, she greeted the people she met with a condescending nod, or sometimes even a word or two. #Storytime
These people travelled mostly on foot: some riding on mules or in pony-carts. Some were beggars, walking on crutches, or dragging themselves on makeshift trolleys. #Storytime
They answered her greeting with nods of their own, but did not speak to the woman, who was noble, and not of their kind. #Storytime
That market-day, it was raining. The roadside was awash with mud. #Storytime
The woman did not notice as her carriage wheels splashed mud over those who stood at the roadside to let her team of horses pass. They simply continued on their way, and the woman, who was watching the countryside, did not hear their muttered protests. #Storytime
The rain redoubled. The riders of mules and pony-traps were liberally splashed with mud. #Storytime
The pedestrians, too, were muddied and splashed; but the beggars fared even worse. Dragging themselves along the road, feet heavy and caked with mud, faces turned towards the ground, they seemed almost part of the land itself, creatures of the underworld. #Storytime
The woman, in her carriage, hardly saw their misery as she raced along. Until the moment at which, passing through a deep puddle, the carriage threw up a curtain of mud into the face of an old crone, hobbling to market. #Storytime
The woman, on her velvet cushions, did not notice the incident, but the old crone was furious. #Storytime
Calling out in her cracked old voice, she scooped up mud between her hands. Then, as the woman peered out to see what was causing the commotion, she flung two handfuls of mud at the carriage window. #Storytime
The woman was astonished and angry. Her beautiful carriage was spattered with mud. There was mud on her curtains; her gown. There was even a splash of mud on her face. #Storytime
Looking down at the ancient crone, she said: "Why do you attack me, ma’am? Are we not fellow-travellers?" #Storytime
And then she nodded to her groom, and drove on at a brisk speed through the crowd of mud-spattered folk walking to the market. #Storytime
the end

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More from @Joannechocolat

Nov 14
1. Broadly speaking, there are two types of character in fiction: flat and round. Flat characters exist to serve the plot, and we generally don't need to know much about them. Round characters are more developed, and tend to be your main players. #TenWaysToWriteRoundedCharacters
2. A very easy way to tell the difference is this: Flat characters don't change. Round ones are changed by their participation in your story, and by their interactions with others. The more they change on their journey, the more developed they are.#TenWaysToWriteRoundedCharacters
Read 11 tweets
Oct 16
Sunday lunchtime; cup of tea. You know what that means, Twitter. #Storytime.
New followers, to explain; #storytime. In which I write a story from scratch, live and unprepared, on Twitter. And it always starts like this: "There is a story the bees used to tell, which makes it hard to disbelieve..."
An opera singer of great renown fell sick and died at the height of her fame. #Storytime
Read 44 tweets
Oct 13
Reminder to anyone who needs it today: the 50s weren't a golden age, and the people who tell you it was aren't remotely on your side.
The advertising of a time is a direct line into its dreams and desires. Here we see white men in charge; white women subservient, and POC and LGBT people, not at all. Some men never gave up this dream. This is the world they want for us.
My childhood was the Seventies. This was what advertising was then. Now the sexism is in colour, but it hasn't really changed much...
Read 6 tweets
Aug 19
Let's do something about TENSES. It may be almost as polarising as my hardline jam-before-cream stance, but it might be fun. Follow #TenThingsAboutNarrativeTenses to collect them all!
1. First off, remember that there are no inflexible rules. There's what you like, and what works for you, and what keeps the reader fully engaged. If what you do achieves what you need, then you're doing fine, and you need not worry. #TenThingsAboutNarrativeTenses
2. Commonly, past tenses are used in narrative. There are three: the perfect (I did something), the imperfect, most used in description (I was doing something) and the pluperfect, which delves further into the past (I had done something, when -). #TenThingsAboutNarrativeTenses
Read 12 tweets
Aug 17
I'm not going to waste my time responding to all the unfounded accusations I'm getting today. Just this one, which I believe to be the most important (and potentially actionable.) So listen up, and if you're good, I might send you a picture of my son's excellent cat.
Basically, I have been accused of abusing my position as Chair of the @Soc_of_Authors to discriminate between gender critical people and trans allies. That is a very serious and damaging allegation. And it's not only false, but it's based on a complete ignorance of my role.
I'm Chair of a committee of twelve. We work alongside the SOA staff to determine policy. Any change in policy has to be agreed by the committee. So if somehow I wanted to create a policy of discriminating against GCs, I would have to put it to them, and they would have to agree.
Read 11 tweets
Aug 16
A lot of people have been talking nonsense about this, thanks to Kathleen Stock. Let's get a couple of things clear. I "declared" this at my son's suggestion, because people on here were already whispering about him, trying to put pressure on me. Image
I've known he was trans for awhile, but he came out publicly on June 1st, which is why I haven't mentioned it before. He's a million times braver, better and wiser than anyone on that nasty little thread. Anyone using him to attack me is utterly and forever beneath contempt.
I'm going to take the line out of my bio now, not because I'm any less proud of him, but because it has served its purpose, and to deflect any more unwanted attention from my son, who is gentle, and sweet, and deserves none of this. You want to come for me? Do it. I'm right here.
Read 5 tweets

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