Thread by @sandyosullivan

This one is just a personal story, not about whether people should get gender-affirming surgery/take hormones.
Last year I wrote that I couldn't get surgery; this year I found out I could. I've taken steps already, with others coming next year (hopefully).

#TransAwarenessWeek

Disclaimer: many ppl cannot access gender-affirming surgery/ies because of prohibitive costs or their own circumstances. Many do not need/want (& all that that entails) them. They may access, need/want them later. Some trans ppl never take hormones, some do.
#TransAwarenessWeek

Further disclaimer: gender-affirming surgery is often undertaken by trans people, but if a trans person who is a woman, man or non-binary/agender/outside the binary doesn't have it, they are still trans.
#TransAwarenessWeek

(back to me) I knew that non-binary people have gender-affirming surgery. I have a background in Gender Studies via Indigenous Studies and a million yrs ago I did a PhD that touched on complexities of trans-ness that allowed me access to thinking about this.
#TransAwarenessWeek

However, it still took me ages to talk about my own gender (outside of the PhD and my research). Even within my research, I sidestepped it and focused on what I thought were other, more pressing needs for us as Indigenous people. But things happened for me.
#TransAwarenessWeek

About 15 yrs ago, possibly as a response to the PhD work, I started to think more about my gender. At the time there were a # of men I knew transitioning, and I would think... some of that is me, but I'm not a man. I also started to realise I wasn't a woman.
#TransAwarenessWeek

When I look back at my publication record, I'm shocked to see in early positioning descriptions I don't really talk about my gender. Whereas later, as things were coming to a crunch I'm weirdly 'woman'ing left, right and centre.
Sorry you wonderful women!
#TransAwarenessWeek

When I finally worked myself up (it's not courage, it's something else... relief?) to tell the world about my gender, I did it on a video and posted it, instead of talking to my family, community, colleagues. Still not sure about that, but it's what I did.
#TransAwarenessWeek

The gender spectrum is complex. Not every cis person is fully comfortable in their gender (women or men), but it also doesn't mean they're trans. For a long time I thought, well that's just me. But I wasn't happy, I had gender dysphoria (more later).

#TransAwarenessWeek

I had a convo in 2018 with a then-colleague, which had me spiralling. I came to realise what was becoming beyond uncomfortable, distressing even, was visible to others. She wasn't talking about my body, gender or how I presented. More... #TransAwarenessWeek

Instead they were generally talking about the way that the community at large often misunderstands trans people. I had read thousands of books, articles on this by trans people/others and it took a cis colleague to say this in a way that made it click for me.
#TransAwarenessWeek

Because of course it did. The right time is often crucial. When they say there are more young trans and gender-diverse ppl now, they're not wrong. There is fear, but there is less fear. There is ignorance, but there are people who fight and advocate with us.

#TransAwarenessWeek

That night I started taking stock... but it took months for me to go back through and evaluate and value a lifetime of my thoughts. I had dismissed them so readily for expediency's sake, and because I had too many other things that I was struggling with.
#TransAwarenessWeek

1. I thought I'd lose my family.
2. I thought I'd lose my friends n community.
3. I thought women my age would see me as a traitor.
4. I thought I'd never have love in my life again.
In the end, many of those fears were unfounded. Some I just had to deal with.
#TransAwarenessWeek

Recently I did a podcast. I do these often but this day (a Sunday morn) I had terrible gender dysphoria. I redirected every discussion of gender to generic queerness; I wasn't an effective advocate, I was awkward. I contacted them afterwards inquiring if...
#TransAwarenessWeek

...they could understand my accent. I was hoping they'd say it was terrible & we'd have to re-do or they couldn't use it. Because all I could think was, I was terrible. They were wonderful, my colleague was wonderful, I was a mess. Sadly, I was intelligible. #TransAwarenessWeek

The thing about gender dysphoria is that it can make you vulnerable, even when you aren't usually. It can spur you to make decisions, help you plan, but in the moment it can be debilitating. It's something that many who don't experience it don't understand.

#TransAwarenessWeek

So I reflected on why I was worried about the podcast, & why gender dysphoria kicks in at the most inopportune moment. All the ppl on the podcast were supportive, wonderful even. It wasn't about them. But also it was cos GD can make you think you aren't enough.#TransAwarenessWeek

Full of bravado as I am, full of info about my work as I was... GD made me over worry about what others thought of me. For reference, I have tens of thousands of ppl every year send abuse to me cos of my job and who I am, and it mostly doesn't bother me.
#TransAwarenessWeek

Trans folks experiencing GD and some who don't, will often reflect on concerns about how others perceive them. It's not the fundamental of being trans, but it's part of how we have to navigate the world. Job interviews, things like these podcasts, the shops!
#TransAwarenessWeek

I realised (going back to my list) my biggest fear was being judged by women I respect. When I reflected back I realised that was happening in the lead-up to the podcast. It was nothing to do with them. At all. Weirdly it wasn't even really to do w/me. But...
#TransAwarenessWeek

When I first came out, I lost closeness w/some women I knew. I also had affirmations from others, but the loss of the few was devastating. This isn't GD, but it's the effect of trying to be 'enough'. Visceral reactions I have now is about me, not them.
#TransAwarenessWeek

This also isn't about the people or podcast; they're amazing. It's about performance fear associated with being enough. Gender dysphoria can make you feel like you'll never be enough or 'real enough', esp when faced w/people who have their gender shit sorted.

#TransAwarenessWeek

Again, dysphoria is about feeling comfortable in your gender. Some cis folks feel this, too. That's also gender dysphoria, because gender is gender. It's complex, sometimes about our bodies, sometimes the world. Affirmation in all its forms can be life-saving.
#TransAwarenessWeek

I realised I was too dismissive in the vid of gender dysphoria that some cis folks have. Being told you aren't woman or man enough, or feeling it, when you're cis, can lead to many of these same feelings. Um, but it's not #CisAwarenessWeek, so...

Beyond dysphoria is what some people call 'euphoria'. This is the payoff that some of us get, to feel happy for the 1st time in our gender. Of course this is what many cis people feel all the time. We feel euphoria, they think it's just another day. #TransAwarenessWeek

As someone who's been fat much of their adult life, I think some of the dysphoria felt like it was about being fat - and that feeling was a great cover for what was really happening. When I realised it wasn't, I had to rethink my body all over again. #TransAwarenessWeek

I will talk more about surgery/ies this time next year. I want to finish off this personal discussion with an underlying feeling that I had, and that I have had shared with me about gender in relation to sexuality. Note, nothing overly personal or explicit. #TransAwarenessWeek

I am, undoubtedly, attracted to women and I always have been. I'm attracted to other people too, but if I could focus here on women, who I had always seen as the love of my life (all of them, pretty much!). So I worried that women (trans or cis) would...
#TransAwarenessWeek

...regard changes to my body and rejecting my birth assignation, as a rejection of them or a hatred of women bodies. I'm not a woman, and I love women's bodies, so no. But I know this is how some women feel because I've been told it. #TransAwarenessWeek

I also loved (love!) lesbians, and by dint of me not being a woman, I know that any relationship is off the cards cos I can't be who they want. Also, BTW it's weird to be talking about a not-actual-person, just a theoretical person that doesn't exist. #TransAwarenessWeek

I want to finish by saying that even though I probably won't have that kind of relationship in my life, I would hate any woman to feel like my gender is a rejection of them. It's not. I couldn't appreciate women more. All of youse.
#TransAwarenessWeek

*the podcast folks won’t see this, but I’ve just realised I forgot to let my colleague on the project, Dr @_cyberbanshee, know I was banging on about this.

Just adding that I just had lunch with my 65yo sister, @RhondaR99577516 and her husband, Geoff today. As you can see, my fears were unfounded. I have - for the most part - the support of my family and definitely hers... as ya can see from her on Twitter fighting transphobes!