Thread by @iowahawkblog

Fuck it, I'll run Twitter

My qualifications:

Twitter could do worse, and always has

Occasionally create content that people who otherwise hate each other both enjoy

Keen ability to recognize and curate my TL of accounts that step over the worthless asshole line, regardless of politics

My demands:

$125/hour + time & a half overtime*
Cadillac health care package & 401k
I work 100% remote from my trailer in Austin, I ain't flying into SFO every other goddamn week

*Yeah, I realize that's big money, but I'm the manager of this Walmart not a cashier

My business plan:

Day 1: open up targeted ad placement on individual account timelines. Account can set ad price and has approval power over any ad. Twitter gets 50% cut. People who create appealing content here deserve to make a few bucks.

My TOS:

1. No officials or functionaries of any government that bans/ filters twitter. GFY Ayatollahs & CCP, I'm not spending a dime on coders to implement country-specific content filters while hosting your stupid bullshit

2. No elected US politicians. Log off and get back to work you shitbags, use your stupid franking privilege to snail mail your deep thoughts to constituents so we can throw them into the trash like we used to

3. Any backchannel communique from a government official or agency requesting some kind of action be taken against a domestic US account will not be ignored. It will be laughed at, then I will personally post it for everybody to see.

4. The normal ban rules apply: no racist / antisemite / N-word enthusiasts, spammers, doxxers, account imposters, kiddie diddlers, etc., and will be enforced in a bipartisan way.

5. And no fomenting violence. I mean the "hey gang, let's meet here tomorrow night to burn down this thing" actual fomenting of violence, not the "this person who made fun of me is engaging in stochastic terrorism" crap

6. The only bot allowed is @iowahawkbot

7. Otherwise I reserve the right to ban any account for any reason at any time. I have a wide bipartisan tolerance for speech, but step over my worthless asshole line and *poof* you're gone. I may not be able to define "worthless asshole" but I know one when I see one.

8. In order to placate remaining concerns about the very existence of accounts with which you disagree, I will note that there is a BLOCK BUTTON you whiney baby. In fact I will SUPERSIZE the block button so you can block everybody who follows the account, or the account follows.

9. Disinformation policy: I will place a large disclaimer on login page stating "Twitter often contains erroneous information. In fact, 98% of Twitter is complete bullshit, and only a total idiot would believe any of it." Then you must read and acknowledge to continue.

10. Feel free to track my private jet. Because I don't have one you dipshits, I travel by analog 1930s cars

That's it, that's my platform.

In the spirit of the times I will of course take the voice of the people into full consideration. Me for Twitter CEO?