Thread by @cloudpup_

I recently shared about my overwhelming fear of dangerous weather.

Well, we’re in a blizzard w dangerously low temps, high speed wind gusts, 100% cloud cover & low visibility.

Multiple warning statements have been announced from the national weather service.

I stay updated on forecasts, so I’ve been prepared; got groceries, appts taken care of, errands ran before.

I’ve relayed this info to loved ones to help them prepare too.

But, half a day into the storm yesterday, my partner comes in while I’m working, & says he’s going to drive (20-30m away) to hang w family. After I had convinced him to reschedule 2 non urgent plans for the day already, I didn’t know there was a 3rd thing.

This triggered a stress response for multiple reasons.

1. Being caught off guard, put on the spot. The plan doesn’t involve me directly, but I struggle w processing info bout sudden changes.

I get this panicked feeling where I can’t separate emotions, info, sense of urgency.

Those 3 components mash together to make me feel confused, & my brain basically short-circuits. It’s too much new info & feelings at once.

Idk how to respond. I freeze up, but am filled w dread. Fears are calculating in the background, but I don’t see that consciously yet.

Sometimes, like yesterday, instead of being too confused to say anything, I respond impulsively. I snapped & said in a harsh voice how irresponsible an idea I thought it was. I never talk to my partner like this. We’ve never had a fight. Thankfully he didn’t snap back.

2. The concept of others not finding importance in things deeply important to me is something I’ve struggled w consistently over the course of my life.

You may have heard of the autistic trait of having a strong propensity for justice & doing what’s “right.”

When I reach a conclusion on a topic that, to me at least, has only one “right” answer, clear rules & guidelines, scientific &/or experiential evidence to back it up, the potential for debating it literally does not exist to me.

It becomes obvious, & therefore easy to stick to.

I realize many others experience decision making w more nuance, room for flexibility & interpretation. It’s very hard for me to understand that.

I rarely experience mixed feelings, holding vague opinions. My decisions are based on my calculated inner moral compass.

I am uncomfortable w apathy, or middle-of-the-road opinions. The stronger my opinion is on something, the harder it is for me to tolerate indifference.

I’ve worked on being less judgmental, which has helped me to fight less, but doesn’t change my inner feelings.

It doesn’t help with instinctively taking it personal when someone doesn’t care about something I care deeply about. It just helps me choose my words more wisely.

3. This involves a deep, long held fear of mine. One that has not only caused me severe anxiety & obsession over, but, like most fears, shame/embarrassment.

I simultaneously feel terrified, but “silly,” “dramatic,” annoying…

I also can hardly consider “working on” this fear, bc as far as I can understand, it’s valid & logical. I’ve researched weather & statistics for yrs. I trust science experts when they give directions on how to stay safe (cancel travel, only brave roads if necessary by emergency.)

I do have numerous traumas related to weather.

Traumas that caused public meltdowns, & put me in situations that make me completely lose it; being stuck somewhere I don’t want to be, when I didn’t plan on being there, & have no control over sensory challenges.

If I care about someone, imagining them in a situation like that, or how I would handle it if something worse happens (or how the hell I could show up & help when it involves something I’m terrified of) seems unbearable, impossible.

4. And finally, this all was made more difficult bc the information came to me while at work.

I barely worked for the past year bc executive dysfunction & burnout. I’m finally able to work again as of very recently. My attention & motivation is incredibly fragile.

Nothing distracts me more than my deeply sensitive emotional responses.

Being emotionally distracted when putting so much effort into focusing on something difficult makes my brain fizzle out & everything feel chaotic.

So, I responded to my partner in a way that was too harsh, undeserved, & unhelpful.

I apologized, we talked it out.

He said he gets that I have anxiety about this, but the way I’m transferring it to him feels infantilizing, like he is incapable of taking care of himself.

I can see how he might feel that way. But I can’t figure out how to budge.

It feels horrible bc I don’t want to be controlling of another person. I just really struggle w knowing how to proceed when someone I love disagrees w me on something I feel so strongly about.

I wanted to share this story as I think it’s a good representation of how my #AuDHD mind works re: anxiety, decision making, change.

I struggle to go from
point A: receive information.
point B: respond.

It’s like an endless diagram of potential opens up in my mind, & I have to parse through each facet of possibility in my brain before knowing how I feel or what to say.

I’m curious if others experience this type of informational overload with these things.