1. Going for a car ride and then a person in a lab coat taking your testicles.
2. Hearing something drop on the ground and finding out it is kale.
3. Things that blow in the wind at night and look like murderous ghostly clown demons. I will smash through the window to save my family.
4. Pictures of fire hydrants on murals. Quit lying about being a bathroom wall art.
5. Being told there is no bacon when your nose that is sensitive you can smell an ant fart 1000 miles away tells you that there is indeed lots of bacon left.
6. Humans who say “BYE” and then go to work or something.
7. Porcupines.
8. Movies with DOG in the title that are literally NOT about dogs. WTF are we even doing here.
9. When it is too hot or too cold to go outside for walk. Make your mind up Earth.
10. Noises that sound like someone is coming in the house but it’s really just some weird structural creaky sound of the house.
11. Doorbells in movies. Quit lying about being fun guests arriving Hollywood.
12. Only getting two meals a day. Fitness bros on this app keep saying to have 5-6 small meals a day. How come we only get two?
13.
The Phrase: “Who’s a good boy?” Duh. Me.
(also works for girl dogs)
The Phrase: “Who’s a good boy?” Duh. Me.
(also works for girl dogs)
14. Hats and sunglasses. If you want me to think you are a murderer, put those on.
15. Food Bloggers. Why are you torturing us with photos of things we can’t eat? Licking the phone doesn’t help. Taste-o-vision isn’t perfected yet.
16. Spam Emails that isn’t about Spam or coupons for Spam.
17. Veggie Bacon. If I wanted to eat plants, I would eat the grass that’s outside humans.
18. Low Battery Alarms. If there was a fire, we would let you know.
Quit it with the beeping roof monster device.
Quit it with the beeping roof monster device.
19. Humans who aren’t working from home anymore.
20. F-ing Fireworks.
That's a wrap!
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