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Dreamweasel Profile picture
@Dreamweasel
Jan 7, 2023 • 6 tweets • 2 min read • Read on X
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A #CATURDAY THREAD

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More from @Dreamweasel

Dreamweasel Profile picture
Apr 9
TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY TRUMP CALLED FOR A 90-DAY PAUSE ON SOME OF HIS TARIFFS

10. Belatedly realized how much cooler it would be if “Liberation Day” synced up with “Independence Day”

9. They caused so much winning that America was actually getting sick of it
8. There were concerns that they might make the border wall too expensive

7. Trump was hoping to return to the days when he was only the second-most deeply-loathed member of his administration
6. It was the result of a complicated mathematical formula involving an exhaustive history of international trade agreements and also the conveniently-timed occurrence of Opposite Day
Read 7 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Apr 3
TEN POTENTIAL MAGA EXCUSES FOR THE CRATERING U.S. ECONOMY

10. The squishy vibes-based numbers coming from Dow Jones & the NYSE are subject to manipulation from the Fake News Media, whereas the Consumer Confidence Index is driven by cold, hard data and is looking far more upbeat
9. What about that time Joe Biden unilaterally declared tariffs on dozens of countries for no good reason

8. The flightless waterfowl who live on the Heard and McDonald Islands of Antarctica clearly are not paying their fair share
7. Look, some of us are going to need to tighten our belts for an indefinite period of time unless we happen to be well-connected titans of industry who are willing to shower Trump with flattery and give him exactly what he wants
Read 8 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Mar 17
TEN POSSIBLE REASONS CHUCK SCHUMER HAD TO POSTPONE HIS BOOK TOUR

10. Security unable to handle enormous crowds of enthusiastic well-wishers

9. Too many venues unable to correctly spell “Capitulator-in-Chief”
8. Schumer physically exhausted after spending all week flagrantly ignoring the wishes of his constituents

7. No way for FBI to know which party is responsible in the event of a bomb threat
6. Needed to spend time thinking up new ways he could prevent the Trump Administration from carrying out their destructive and wildly unpopular plans before ultimately deciding not to bother with any of them
Read 6 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Mar 3
TEN THINGS TO WATCH FOR DURING TRUMP’S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

10. You like gloating? Get ready for lots of that shit

9. As a response to the bird flu-related lockdowns, Trump will demand that farmers unmask their chickens and send them back to school
8. Every sitting member of Congress will deliver an oral presentation explaining to Chairman Musk what they accomplished last week and how they made the U.S. government more profitable
7. A sincere blessing for the world’s Catholics on the eve of Ash Wednesday which begins the annual observation of Lent

6. A somber “IN MEMORIAM” reel for all of the government agencies that have been permanently destroyed in the last six weeks
Read 7 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Jan 27
DEMOCRATS: Don’t touch the hot stove

VOTERS: (touch hot stove) AAAAAH!

DEMOCRATS: WE TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT

VOTERS: You’ll never get anywhere if you insist on blaming the voters
👨🏻: I’m tired of those sanctimonious Democrats suggesting I’m stupid for wanting to touch the hot stove

👱🏻‍♀️: I’ve heard enough about “Hot Stove Bad”; where are the Democrats making the case for the benefits of NOT touching the hot stove?
👨🏻‍🦳: I can’t be bothered to learn every little thing about the hot stove, so it’s up to the Democrats to actively persuade me why they have my best interests at heart without talking down to me

👩🏽‍🦱: If the Democrats cannot do this, then they are clearly the ones at fault
Read 8 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Jan 20
TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR ELON MUSK’S SALUTE AT THE TRUMP INAUGURATION

10. Was awkwardly trying to high-five Donald Trump from several hundred feet away

9. It was a signal to America’s farmers that they officially had the go-ahead to collectively lower the price of eggs
8. Had just swatted a fly that landed on his chest and was trying to aggressively flick it away from his palm

7. Who among us doesn’t fire off a couple of spontaneous “Sieg Heils” when we’re giddy with excitement
6. Was demonstrating his total commitment to Freedom of Speech by emulating the most hated members of American society: the goose-stepping white nationalists
Read 6 tweets

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