VOTERS: You’ll never get anywhere if you insist on blaming the voters
👨🏻: I’m tired of those sanctimonious Democrats suggesting I’m stupid for wanting to touch the hot stove
👱🏻♀️: I’ve heard enough about “Hot Stove Bad”; where are the Democrats making the case for the benefits of NOT touching the hot stove?
👨🏻🦳: I can’t be bothered to learn every little thing about the hot stove, so it’s up to the Democrats to actively persuade me why they have my best interests at heart without talking down to me
👩🏽🦱: If the Democrats cannot do this, then they are clearly the ones at fault
TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR ELON MUSK’S SALUTE AT THE TRUMP INAUGURATION
10. Was awkwardly trying to high-five Donald Trump from several hundred feet away
9. It was a signal to America’s farmers that they officially had the go-ahead to collectively lower the price of eggs
8. Had just swatted a fly that landed on his chest and was trying to aggressively flick it away from his palm
7. Who among us doesn’t fire off a couple of spontaneous “Sieg Heils” when we’re giddy with excitement
6. Was demonstrating his total commitment to Freedom of Speech by emulating the most hated members of American society: the goose-stepping white nationalists
TEN THINGS DONALD TRUMP MIGHT SAY DURING HIS SECOND INAUGURATION ADDRESS
10. He’ll wish a happy birthday to Dr. Martin Luther King, the tireless activist for racial justice who is remembered fondly by all now that he is dead
9. Will express disappointment that Michelle Obama could not be there, as the steam coming out of her ears would provide the rest of the crowd with some badly-needed warmth
8. A special shout-out to the volunteers who helped ensure the ballots were counted fairly and to Elon Musk for working his magic with the tallying software
TEN TANGIBLE CONSEQUENCES OF A PRESIDENT BEING LEGALLY DECLARED A “CONVICTED FELON”
10. Endless opportunities for trolling Republicans currently under the blissful delusion that their President won the electoral vote, the popular vote, and won’t have to spend a day in prison
9. Increasingly tedious reminders from CNN commentators as Trump gathers both houses of Congress for his State of the Union addresses
8. Lively online debates with single-follower MAGA accounts as to whether Convictions In Name Only really count as felony convictions
7. The narrative that the GOP is the “Party of Law and Order” will be grimly undercut in a way that none of their voters will ever notice or acknowledge
6. Constitution remains unclear as to whether a convicted felon is legally allowed to pardon Thanksgiving turkeys
TEN NOTEWORTHY REVELATIONS ABOUT THE “ADRIAN DITTMANN” ACCOUNT
10. Is deeply offended when anyone in his orbit slips up and calls X by its former name “Twitter”
9. Has repeatedly expressed support for deporting immigrants except for the white ones who come from South Africa
8. When a disgruntled Twitter user said he was switching to Bluesky, Dittman mused that he could easily buy them out for a mere billion or two
7. Has called Elon Musk the most selfless, handsome and brilliant philanthropist genius of our era who also has touched real boobs
6. Seems unnaturally obsessed with promoting Tesla products, establishing a colony on Mars, and fighting tooth and nail against any and all normalization of transgender acceptance
Welcome to life in 2025, where the lion’s share of what passes for political discourse consists of Explaining Extremely Obvious Things to People Who Refuse to Listen
- The terrorist in the New Orleans attack was an American citizen & a veteran of the U.S. Army. He was not an illegal immigrant, and this attack had nothing to do with the “border crisis.”
- Trump lies about that kind of thing all the time, but his supporters simply do not care.
- As we have seen throughout the years, Trump simply decides what he wants to be true & declares it as fact, over & over again, until it dominates the conservative echo chamber. This “corroboration” is apparently sufficient to convince the GOP base that Trump was right all along.