Thread by @daryazorka

What is like to grow up in a heavily russified country and to be deprived of your culture and identity. A thread about personal experience and consequences of #russiancolonialism. 1/19

*Photo of my beautiful grandmother wearing a Belarusian embroidered shirt, year 1957.

I saw a phrase by Citizenset, a Ukrainian poet who lives in San Francisco, and it resonated deeply with me: “I came to my identity as Ukrainian and I stopped waiting for someone to give me permission to be who I am.” I struggled with my Belarusian identity all my life.

When I was growing up I almost didn’t experience Belarusian culture, I didn’t speak Belarusian language, I didn’t learn accurate history - everything was heavily russified, history books were rewritten in favor of russia and russification affected every aspect of life.

I was cut off from my identity and my heritage since early childhood and it created a huge void inside me and highly influenced my self-esteem and my life.

Our culture makes us who we are, it is an important and irreplaceable part of our identity. Being deprived of my culture I’ve always had this void inside, but I didn’t know what was missing.

I moved to a different country and built my life there, but every time someone asked me where I was from I paused for a second. Because technically I was born and raised in Belarus, but I didn’t feel that I was Belarusian.

I didn’t identify as Belarusian deeply inside – because of russian colonialism and centuries of oppression and appropriation of Belarusian culture and language. I wasn’t russian, but I didn’t feel that I was a Belarusian either.

In an attempt to identify myself I came up with an idea that “I’m a citizen of the world, of the planet Earth”, hoping that it will help. But it didn’t, and the void and feeling of “not belonging” didn’t go anywhere.

I realize now, that all these years I was waiting for someone’s permission to start connecting to my heritage and to stop being ashamed of it. Right now I know that I don’t need anyone’s permission or approval.

Last year I started researching my heritage and family history. Every time I find something, like locate a village where my grandparents were born on a map - I feel that my heart fills with warmth, I get closure, that a tiny piece of a huge puzzle was found and it completes me.

I started to read a book written in Belarusian language and as soon as I read the first page, my eyes filled with tears. When Belarusian words sounded in my head for the first time in many many years – I felt so warm, so safe, it felt like coming home.

It’s an emotional journey, I cry a lot. These are tears of relief, joy and grief at the same time. I’m grieving my stolen identity. I’m grieving all these years and memories that were lost or never happened. I’m grieving my ancestors who were robbed of their culture and language.

I’m grieving those who were killed and robbed of everything that they worked hard for all their lives. I’m grieving my country and how beautiful and developed it could be, if only it wasn’t neighboring with russia.

I started to wonder what my life and the life of my family would have looked like if not for russians, their imperialism, never-ending greed and desire to dominate. Our lives would be so drastically different.

When I think about everything that was lost, stolen, mutilated, appropriated and wiped out by them - I can’t help but to feel anger. Anger and desire to preserve my Belarusian identity no matter what and to be a strong lifelong ally to all Ukrainians and to my Ukrainian husband.

Right now russians may succeeded in russification of Belarus, in suppressing of Belarusian culture and language – but I won’t let them to continue spreading their colonialism and influence on me further. No more.

I want my future children to be proud that they are half Belarusian, not to be ashamed as I was. I want them to be aware of and appreciate their Belarusian heritage, Belarusian culture and language, to know their ancestors and where they are coming from.

I hope that one day, when Belarus will break free from russian oppression and influence, I will be able to show my native country to my children. It will be a very happy day. I hope I’ll live to see it.

But for now I’ll continue to do everything in my power to shed light on russian colonialism and support Ukraine as much as I can.