The Upshot Profile picture
Jan 20, 2023 16 tweets 6 min read Read on X
Sir Alex Ferguson was feared for his "absolutely terrifying" outbursts at Man United.

But you can't blame him: his squad was packed with incurable shaggers and absolute wrong'uns.

From cocaine benders to cross-dressing orgies, meet the maddest and baddest of the Fergie era...
Mark Bosnich, GK

With a cocaine habit that reached 10 grams a day, the Aussie stopper managed just 26 games for United.

An infamous stag night bender saw Bozza wake up in jail on his wedding day, after robbing a photographer outside a strip club.

Wrong'un rating: 8/10
Martin Edwards, CEO

At the '96 end-of-season party, the club assigned their Chairman a minder as "his visits to the ladies are becoming more frequent".

He eventually got a police caution for peering under cubicle doors, and resigned soon after.

Wrong'un rating: 9/10
Phil Bardsley, RB

The Scottish defender came up through United's academy, briefly breaking into the first team in 2003.

It's fair to say the success went to his head... here he is bathing in £50 notes on a grotty casino floor.

Wrong'un rating: 5/10
Wayne Rooney, ST

You could write a book on Wazza's exploits, from knobbing grannies to spiking teammates with Viagra.

But our favourite is the letter he left for a £140 prostitute:

“To Charlotte, I shagged U on 28 Dec, loads of love, Wayne Rooney.”

Wrong'un rating: 8/10
Ryan Giggs, LM

"Is Ryan Giggs the last good man in Premier League football?" asked The Guardian back in 2010.

Not if you ask his brother Rhodri...

Ryan was secretly knobbing Rhod's missus for 8 years, before the press caught him with his pants down.

Wrong'un rating: 9/10
But Rhodri had the last laugh, starring in a brilliantly catty advert for Paddy Power, entitled "Loyalty is dead, live for rewards."
Noman Whiteside, CM

After a night on the sauce, Big Norm came up with an ingenious ploy to avoid police: he'd nurse his Ford Cortina home at a glacial 15mph.

But his plan came crashing down when he was pulled over at a snail's pace on the M60 motorway.

Wrong'un rating: 5/10
Kleberson, RM

United eventually signed the 24-year-old midfielder in 2003.

They tried to get him the summer before, but Klebbers chose to stay another year in Brazil so he could marry his 15-year-old fianceé when she turned legal.

Wrong'un rating: 8/10
Ashley Young, LB

Not exactly a wrong'un, but there's a convincing case to be made that Ash is a pathological liar...

Despite overwhelming video evidence, the defender refuses to admit that a bird pooed in his mouth during a match.

Wrong'un rating: 1/10
Rio Ferdinand, CB

Rio always seems like a decent bloke, but he did himself no favours when he copped an 8 month ban for skipping a drug test to go shopping.

And then there's the time he called DJ Chris Moyles a "faggot" live on Radio 1...

Wrong'un rating: 4/10
Cantona, CAM

Need we say any more?

Wrong'un rating: 8/10
Laurent Blanc, CB

Not many skeletons in his closet, but he is a patronising old git. Just ask journalist Johanna Franden.

"Women talking tactics, it’s so beautiful," Lozza chuckled, before asking her softly "You know what 4-3-3 means, don’t you?"

Wrong'un rating: 4/10
Dwight Yorke, ST

The Trinidadian striker was an absolute shagger.

He filmed a sex tape with Mark Bosnich, dressing up as women and dancing round the bedroom during an orgy with 4 girls.

Unfortunately for Dwight, the tabloids found the tape in his bins.

Wrong'un rating: 5/10
Alex Ferguson, Manager

Fergie was famed for his vicious bollockings, but he was capable of the odd kind word.

Asked about Dion Dublin's famously large penis, he replied: "It's magnificent. I've seen some whoppers in my time, but Dion's is something else."

Wrong'un rating: 1/10
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More from @UpshotTowers

Jun 25
When Wayne Rooney burst on to the scene, there was only one nagging doubt.

Would he have the sordid private life to match his footballing genius?

It didn’t take long to find out.

From airport arrests to spiking his teammates with Viagra, welcome to the wild world of Wazza... Image
Our story begins in 2002, when 16-year-old Rooney bursts on to the scene with a screamer for Everton.

But while his teammates rave about their new prodigy, Wayne isn't so impressed with them.

"I remember thinking: these are crap," he admits later.

Wayne lets off steam at a £45 Merseyside brothel, where he visits a rubber-suited granny named 'The Auld Slapper'.

But he struggles to keep a low profile.

Fellow punters beg him for autographs, and when he leaves, he's met by 30 Everton fans chanting his name. Image
Read 19 tweets
Jun 22
N'Golo Kante is the nicest man in football.

He drives a banged up old Mini, does his shopping at Asda, and meets up with fans to play FIFA.

As the midfield maestro lights up Euro 2024, here's the story of football's loveliest bloke...

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Our story begins in the Parisian suburbs, where a teenage Kante stars in the youth team of local side JS Suresnes.

But he's half the size of his teammates...

When he wins a player of the tournament award, the mini midfielder (far left) looks on as his pals hoist his trophy. Image
After being rejected by a string of Ligue 1 clubs, he signs for Boulogne on an amateur contract.

He turns out for the 3rd division side while travelling to training on a kids scooter.

Alongside football, he takes evening classes and qualifies as an accountant.
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Read 16 tweets
Jun 19
England's stars take on Denmark tomorrow, and as your grandmother might say, "they seem like a lovely bunch."

But the current crop aren't complete angels.

From scrapping in pubs to propositioning pregnant fans, here are the squad's wildest moments... Image
GK: Jordan Pickford

The Everton keeper doesn't take kindly to name callers.

His family changed their name from Pigford to avoid being called 'Piggy', and Jordan has got into at least two pub fights with hecklers who joked about his "T-Rex arms". Image
RB: Trent Alexander-Arnold

In 2018, a pregnant fan asked Trent to congratulate her partner on his first Father's Day.

But rather than wish the pair good tidings, he responded: "I'll do it inside u while ur pregnant".

Here's part of the exchange...
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Read 13 tweets
Jun 18
The England squad that flew to Germany in 2006 was packed with absolute wrong'uns.

From shagging grannies to battering DJs, meet England's last golden generation... Image
Jamie Carragher (RB)

In what the tabloids called "the most debauched Christmas party ever", Carragher smothered himself in whipped cream before shagging strippers with a Liverpool teammate.

Michael Owen is said to have stood in the corner looking "stunned". Image
Rio Ferdinand (CB)

Rio's a lovely bloke, but he did damage his reputation a little when he skipped a drug test to go shopping at Harvey Nichols.

And then there's the time he called DJ Chris Moyles a "faggot" live on Radio 1. The BBC later ruled it was "just banter"...
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Read 14 tweets
May 21
Jose Mourinho is so charismatic that John Terry said "I'd leave the pitch in a coffin for him".

But he's also a ruthless bastard who threatens ball boys, fights staff and spits poison at his enemies.

As he plots his next move, this is the story of Jose Mourinho v The World... Image
Mourinho's dad was a top flight manager in Portugal, and Jose soon learns how cruel football can be.

“I was 9 or 10 years old and my father was sacked on Christmas Day", he recalls.

But it doesn't put him off: Jose bags his first job as a translator for Porto boss Bobby Robson. Image
The pair move to Barca, where Mourinho befriends midfielder Pep Guardiola.

But Jose is set for bigger things.

He lands the Porto job, and announces himself to English fans by sprinting down the Old Trafford touchline to celebrate an equaliser.

Porto win the Champions League.
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Read 20 tweets
Apr 30
Surprise stabbings. Crazed stalkers. Broomsticks up bums.

Neymar's life is like a Netflix drama.

From punching Parisians to bankrolling his dad's orgies, welcome to ludicrous life of football's biggest wrong'un... Image
Our story begins in 2013, when Neymar's dad enjoys an orgy with several prostitutes at a swanky London hotel.

The gang bang is a sweetener in the €86m deal taking his son from Santos to Barcelona.

According to Santos' president, Neymar won't sign until the orgy is complete. Image
At Barca, Neymar forms a glorious partnership with Suarez and Messi.

But after a few years, eagle-eyed fans notice he's always mysteriously injured or suspended on 11th March.

For 7 of the next 9 seasons, he spends that date boozing at his sister's birthday party in Brazil.
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Read 20 tweets

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