Thread by @ankituttam

Breaking: Shark Tank India is Cancelled after 2 Seasons?

So... everyone seems to think Shark Tank India is the "next big thing" on TV - but I think it's not coming back for the next season.

And here's how I think this whole thing will go down…

Thread. 🧵

Disclaimer - I don't *want* Shark Tank India to fail. The world is more fun if it wins...

But wanting something doesn't mean it's going to happen. If it did, then every bag of chips would have more chips and less air.

OK, let's pretend you are the CEO of Sony India.

Congrats. You did it!

People like your channel. No, no - they LOVE your channel.

But there is a problem. You are not in the top 10 GE channels in India.

Despite having shows like KBC, Kapil Sharma, Indian Idol…

Shit.

As a CEO, now you need to do something about it.

Shark Tank India is your newest bet.

Only 2 seasons old, it has given you some good boost.

But Season 1 was better in numbers.

It was new.

It had Ashneer Grover who spoke meme-worthy lines.

You got calls from every news outlet.

Miss Malini puts you on the "Next Big Show to watch" list.

Pinkvilla declared, "The Future is Sharky."

Season 2 lost momentum because...

There was no Ashneer, so no memes.

And then a ‘nobody’ questioned the credentials of the show’s judges and their companies, and that shitty post went viral with 8 Million+ views.

The major news channels covered that post.

Even Pinkvilla published, "Did you know all Shark Tank India's judges except Aman Gupta are suffering major losses? Viral post reveals!".

Mr. Harsh Goenka tweeted about the Sharks bleeding red.

Mr. Anupam Mittal responded to him with some weird answer of bleeding blue and some shit.

Not sure what he meant, or did he even understand Mr. Goenka’s tweet? Whatever.

It feels like almost every day, a new nobody was questioning the judges and their own loss-making ventures while they judge/mock the profitable startups on the show.

Anyways.

That was all in the past.

You are the CEO now, and you have to do something about getting #SharkTankIndia back on track.

But first, you got a call for an interview with Ms. Shereen Bhan, the Managing Editor of CNBC-TV18.

You wear your visionary royal blue three-piece suit and blue specs as if you are getting ready for Sidharth Malhotra and Kiara Advani’s wedding reception. #SidKiara

You believe in dressing simple. But you are going to talk fancy. #ShereenBhan is going to be impressed.

The conversation started with the credibility of #SharkTank judges and the chatter around it.

You say. “That’s all bullshit.” Shereen made a face. One doesn’t say things like this on National TV. But you are not worried. You are a new-age CEO, and you talk new-age lingo.

You continue. “Who are these so-called critics? Have they started a company? Have they raised funds? And sharks are using their own money to offer investment.”

“But do you think you can make some changes in the judges' panel? I mean, there is #Zerodha, #Zoho, #Dream 11, #RateGain. Profitable companies. Even #Nykaa is profitable.” She asks.

You just nod and smile.

Then, like a seasoned campaigner, you say those magical 6 words – “Let me get back to you.” You know deep down that every Human Resource manager watching you on TV is feeling proud that you used the famous quote that the whole #HRcommunity takes pride in.

Shereen asks where you came up with the idea...

Silly Shereen - it's not "when we came up with the idea” ... Ideas are everywhere. We just copy them and add drama and tears to Indianise it.”

“Like you did in Kaun Banega Crorepati with all that over-the-top melodrama.” She smiles.

“Over the top is the rage. OTT is killing everything in entertainment, so anything OTT works.” You give a smart answer and smile back.

Humans have been getting fooled by these sob stories since the dawn of time.

Then you tell her that tears are powerful because they are wet and they sparkle when they roll down your cheeks.

“Tears are as old as women in existence.” You say.

But then you catch yourself quickly & correct it to “Tears are as old as humans in existence.”

Men are a major part of your audience, and they have to cry, too, like #Flathead's founder. What was his name? You forget, but it’s okay.

Shereen wants to know about the future of #SharkTankIndia.

So, are the rumors true? Are you canceling the Shark Tank after season 2? She asks.

You pause dramatically... "Just rumors, not true at all."

Boom. F*cking Nailed It.

After the interview - you are itching to go back to work.

You tell people you're "going heads down."

They agree. Killer move.

You get back to your desk and check the TRP chart of Shark Tank.

Hmm ... the chart isn't quite as "uppish and rightish" as you have expected.

You refresh in case the chart was buggy.

The chart remains the same.

The audience number is not improving.

People are still watching Anupama and Kapil Sharma.

On your app also, your daily active users count isn't growing as fast as it should have been despite season 2 of Shark Tank in its last leg.

You look deeper into the data.

Retention is slipping. Not terrible yet...but new viewers aren't sticking around the same way those early audiences were.

Should you call Ashneer Grover back but he is not in BharatPe anymore, and #BharatPe anyways is in a big mess.

And Ashneer is now Chetan Bhagat of the non-fiction world.

What was his book’s name? You try to remember. Something about Doing Epic Shit.

Off course, he did some “Epic Shit” in BharatPe.

Anyways you have to handle your shit now.

You call a team meeting of your inner circle.

The team looks at the TRP charts. They are a little concerned but still feeling good.

"We just have to give them more of what ‘they’ want." Everyone in the meeting knows what ‘They’ means here. The audience. Viewers.

So, the team finds out what ‘They’ want.

You find that Shark Tank really has two - totally different types of viewers:

1) Who likes to see the pitches and the companies. The content focused viewers. This is the smaller chunk.

2) Who want to watch Anupama type content. More drama. Saas-Bahu. Kamina husband. Lachaar Maa Baap. Vamps. Loud background music. Ladaai and fights. Roothna – Manana.

But in the second season, you had some good pitches like Recode, Flatheads, Zoffo etc, so content focused viewer is happy.

But Drama wise, lot of it was "Meh."

Less drama. Less memes. Less shareable content.

So those big chunks of the viewers aren't sticking around.

So, you now have to triple down on drama so that you can create more meme-worthy shareable content.

Simple.

“The judges should dance every time they fund a startup on the show.” You say.

Everyone in the room looks unsure.

“Imagine, if a judge starts moon walking once he invests in a company, it will go viral. This is called memes worthy Epic Shit.” You smile, thinking that if Ashneer would hear you using his book’s name in your meeting, he might plug Shark Tank in his interviews.

“Kanti, get Shilpa Shetty on board. Tell her we need to train Shark Tank judges in some viral dance forms. Tum-Tum song or whatever is viral nowadays.”

“#TumTum song?” Kanti is confused.

The Tum Tum “Yes… that song on which everyone is doing mujra on Instagram nowadays. The Tum Tum song. Get it done.”

You use the word mujra because you want to build a desi image like Ashneer... Even though you are educated at a good school, but you use such words and say you don't know English to connect to the masses. They want such heroes.

“Sir, will the judges agree?” Kanti asks.

“They have to. Shark Tank is their only profitable venture. But don’t tell them I said this.” You wink.

“Instead, tell them it’s good for their brand, and it will help them get more funding for their own companies. They will agree.” You wink again at Kanti, who seems uncomfortable and lowers her gaze. Guess she is blushing.

Anyways you move on.

“Next get that background score from Balaji serials – Dham dham tana na na na.. dham dham wala… every time a pitch is rejected or the pitchers insult the judges play that bgm….”

“Sir, you mean judges insult the pitchers.” Prabhas interrupts you.

“No, I mean when pitchers insult the judges… then play this music.”

“Sir, what if judges insult the pitchers?” Prabhas interrupts you again.

“Then play that music--- the one which was used in the old movies when a bad thing happened with a bebas abla lady. That sad thingy. Audience should feel sympathy for the pitchers.”

“What about the judges? Shouldn’t the audience feel sympathy for them too?”

“No… they will be our Saas.”

“You mean software as a service – SaaS?” Prabhas is over-smart.

“I mean evil Saas – mother in law.” You chide him. He will now think twice before he cut you again.

“What else, Sir?” Prerna asks the right question.

“We need pitchers who are gareebon se bhi gareeb. Their father must be a rickshaw puller. They should be living in a hut or in kholi. No electricity. No clean water. No toilets. Give them torn clothes when they come on the show. Tooti Chappal. Worse haircut.”

“Just like Kaun Banega Crorepati.” Prerna chuckled.

“Exactly,” You smile. She is the real smart person in the room. “Now get to work.”

Two days later. You get the news.

“The judges are not very good at dancing.”

“But they agreed, so that is good news. Right?” You say.

“But now they are saying that they can get the funding without dancing on the Tum-Tum song. And if not the funding, then they can go for the IPO just like Mamaearth and Zomato.”

Emergency team meeting.

This "dancing" strategy isn't working.

We need to get back to our roots. What made Shark Tank magical to begin with?

Nobody says anything.

You scan the room. You point at Raju, the peon, who was there to give you coffee.

"Raju- the Peon - what got you hooked on Shark Tank?" you ask him pointedly.

“Kapil Sharma.” Raju, the peon stutters.

“Kapil Sharma?”

“I watch Kapil Sharma show. There I saw judges talking about Shark Tank.” Raju, the peon, is telling the truth.

“Huh… What else?” You ask him again.

“Doglapan wale bhaiya.”

“Bhaiya? What Bhaiya?”

“Sir, I think he is talking about Ashneer Grover,” Prerna said.

“Ohhh… the author of that book – Epic shit or something.” You say.

“Actually, that book is by Ankur Warikoo.” Prabhas cut you again.

“Who?” You are confused.

“Ankoo…”

“Fine. Leave it.” You interrupt Prabhas this time and get your revenge. Over-smart dumbass gets what he deserved.

“What else?” you ask Raju, the peon, again.

“There was this viral post on Shark Tank from some guy called Ankit Uttam.”

“That was on LinkedIn, right?” You ask.

“Yes, sir.”

“You are on LinkedIn?”

“Yes, sir.” Raju, the peon, answered.

“Why?”

“For networking, sir.” Raju, the peon - answered.

“Networking? With whom? Other peons?” You are annoyed.

“I write fake personal stories of struggle. People say I'm an inspiration. MDs, CMOs, Content Creators, and HRs copy my post and paste it on their timeline without giving me credit. I've 90,000 followers.” Raju-the peon- is telling the truth.

“What? Do they know you are a peon?”

“Not really…”

“What do you mean - not really?”

“My LinkedIn headline is – I help CEOs to wake up to their potential and perform better in their jobs.”

“You help CEOs wake up to their potential and perform better in their jobs? How?” you are curious.

“I give them coffee. Coffee keeps CEOs awake.” Raju-the peon- is truthful. He makes strong coffee. You agree and drink the coffee.

Raju-the peon leaves.

You look at everyone else for more ideas. You look at Prerna. She has nothing. You look at Kanti, she is still looking down. You are still not sure why, and finally, you look at Prabhas.

“Should we change the judges? Get Zerodha, Zoho founders.” Prabhas says.

“I tried. They are too busy running their companies.” Kanti says.

You look at all of them with a dejected face….

The end of the story isn't so much fun.

TRP goes low as season 2 ends. People are more interested in watching Saas-Bahu dramas and Kapil Sharma.

You end up canceling Shark Tank after 2 seasons.

You spend a year as CEO of Sony before quitting and joining Star Plus.

You vow to only work for the top 5 channels for the rest of your career.

The end.

P.S. I hope I'm wrong.

I hope Shark Tank India becomes a bigger show - and people throw this post in my face every year.

The world is more fun if I'm wrong, so here's to being wrong!

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