Thread by @redactedcti

Putin is live right now... usual moaning and whinging but also feels like he may be about to drop a clanger. Let's see...

Nazi's here, the devil there, the West are all paedos, gay people are bad... but I don't mind gay people, there are ok, but they should read the bible. Gender-neutral god, yuck.

This man is absolutely bonkers.

There is a general look of concern on the faces of the audience, mixed with boredom, with some looking like they might be made of wood.

One military officer appears to be live-streaming, probably good for the likes, he may be looking for a career after the war as an influencer.

Note to self: invest in blue suit sales in Russia, many Russian dorks like dark blue, ill-fitted suits.

Lavrov appears to be melting, stewards are running towards him with buckets and trays.

Lavrov's face is safely collected in a small bucket, now back tot he main report.

#Russia #PutinSpeech follow me for accurate and correct live Tweets.

Many of the men in the audience look like faces drawn on thumbs.

Putin creates a fund to help the families and vets of the war. Sounds like a massive bullshit to me. Do one.

This speech is horse shit. Rambling, empty, at times insane, purely bollocks.

Troops need 14 days of rest per year... what a saint, Putin is very forward thinking on this front.

Putin will be increasing tech capabilities of the military, he must have a way to do this without chips, yet again proving him to be a genius.

Many yawns becoming visible in the audience, a few appear to be suffering from strokes.

Putin promises everyone will have a steak for dinner and tomorrow a golden statue of Putin himself. Everyone will have a house within three days. In return, send your children to war.

Back to the West, buckle up.

Energy sectors around the world have collapses, only Russia can save us.

The West stole Russian currency reserves, Putin did not spend this on a monstrous war, it was stolen by The West. Obvs.

Russian economy is great. unemployment is low, banks are happy. Putin did this himself, the man is a genius, a stable genius.

Putin looks like wind blowing through a flesh-coloured sock. I imagine the smell is as one would expect, grim.

Putin will increase funding for the nation's long table manufacturers, he says his affinity with long tables is unshakable despite The West's efforts to crush the long table industry.

Putin will put butter in cannons and then fire them at The West. Unsure why.

Sorry for the delay, my nog vomited, sharing many of the feelings I am sure we hall have.

This is a time of opportunity for Russia, again Putin reiterates his intellectual prowess. Putin supports small biz, schools and science. The man is a champion.

Or is he a bullshitting little radish? Impossible to tell.

Medics have so far removes 28 dead politicians from the audience who appear to have either "fallen from windows" or drank some kind of glowing tea drink.

Medics have also drawn Lavrovs face on a balloon, he's back with us.

Siberia... Putin likes it there. He wants to build roads and telcoms infra, pretty cool. In return he demands more babies and all the men should run into machine gun fire outside Bakhmut. Seems fair.

Putin seems to think the above infra work can be done for free. Smart.

4.3 billion Rubles investment to Siberia, that is almost $34 USD.

Putin has a plan leading to 2030, seems a little ambitious given his head seems to be expanding and may explode in the next few days.

Russian economy seems to be turning inwards, like a snake eating its own tail. It's a very good idea Putin says, because he is a genius.

My 6 followers are surely upset with this highly detailed and factually correct series of live Tweets. I am not sorry.

Russia's inflation is amazing at just 4%, The West is almost 20%. This is a fact of course.

The audience nods, some too vigorously, some heads fell off.

Medics working hard to remove the dead from the audience, roughly 30% now departed. #RIP

This speech is a weapon, the dullness alone has killed my will to live. Putin is a genius, many of The West's analysts that are watching this will likely have died of boredom by now.

A new Russian department is to be created that will provide toasted bread to ducks affected by the "special operation". Putin recognizes and owns the fact that flocks of ducks have had to move to new regions in order to find work.

Putin has a new model for economics, its probably really good, but no details provided yet. But its clear that The West is shit, and Russia is good. Sanctions have no impact, Russia wants to be isolated. Putin remains a genius.

Putin admits that wealth in Russia has been spent on yachts and western goods. Admitting that Russians with means usually leave... but now the economy is collapsing he can force wealth to remain in Russia. Putin did this, not sanctions... he remains a genius.

No mention of Putin yacht in Italy, nor his massive mansions. I'm sure he will get tot hat because he's a very honest man.

Putin throws shade at those who live in fancy places, no mention yet of his giant billion-dollar home. I'm sure he will bring it up soon.

He calls Russians abroad second-class citizens of their new home nations, calls on those people to return to Russia and bring money and business back home. Seems legit.

I started this as a joke but the speech lasted longer than I expected, its beginning to dawn on me that I may be here all week.

Dog continues to vomit, reflecting my own feelings.

Putin will create new jobs, smart guy. This is how you get people to like you he says. Putin seems to really want people to like him. People stand up and clap. P-Dog smiles.

Russia is unique, special, not pretending to be special, but defo special.

Over 40% of the audience now dead. Blood everywhere.

During COVID Russia hooked Italy up, don't forget it. Also Russia are cool with Turkey and Syria, helping with the earth quake, Putin himself stopped the quake using his strong arms.

Russian elections will follow the law. Notes that the law will be changed to ban all opposition, prison for students, anyone with glasses will be shot. But the election will be legit. Social media banned. Many audience members shot by snipers.

Audience looks sad, gas begins to fill the room.

False alarm. Not poison, Kirill appears to have lost bowel function.

Many young people in the audience appear to be cardboard cutouts.

The speech continues, blood pools in my legs, I feel weak.

Back to military chatty chats now. Coming up to the end, I pray, of the speech I assume he will shake some kind of nuclear dick or perhaps a mobilization... even air things. Who knows, the man is a mystery, a bonkers mystery.

Oh no, veered off into science and hosing. Science is mysterious. Fact.

I give up, signing off for the day. Thanks for your support, apologies to my 6 followers for this waffle.

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