Thread by @docbhooshan

#India
#Parenting

Few days ago I wrote about a difficult question faced by many parents - how to motivate kids to do long term things in life?

I am writing more details about this here. It is not a complete answer at all. I hope to get you to think and change your behaviour.

Motivation is grossly divided into 2 groups -
1. Push motivation - when you want to get away from your present conditions so you are motivated to undertake steps that will help you get out.

2. Pull motivation - when you are attracted to a great goal and desire to achieve that goal makes you do necessary things.

In real life, we see a combination. Our current conditions are not satisfactory so we aim for a higher goal and work towards it.

Now let's look at parents and children.

Parents are afraid that child's future is in danger. This happens because parents are usually not genuinely happy with what they have achieved so far in life.

They believe that something better was possible for them but they missed it because of xyz reasons and they want to make sure that children are not put in a similar situation.

So it is a push-push motivation.
Fear of unknown (assumed to be bad) future and belief in "missed" opportunities.

At child's end, it is a lot more complicated.
1. children (esp young ones) do not have cognitive abilities like adults to gather information from world around them and come to long term conclusions and act accordingly.

Just because a child can handle your mobile phone well, doesn't mean they have a cognitively mature brain.
2. Children are much more short sighted and are driven by what is happening around them at the time.

They want to enjoy things (pleasure) and be liked / adored by people. These are their driving forces.
3. They may try things out for curiosity but unless they see consistent achievements or fun, they are unlikely to sustain the activity.

Very few children have dogged persistence needed for any significant achievement.

5. They like autonomy and ownership. Ability to decide things for themselves makes them like things and they take responsibility of the task.
6. They sincerely hate being treated like idiots.

7. They actively avoid situations that generate negative emotions and people that make them feel that way.

If you put all of this together, it is clear that though parental concern about future is correct in its spirit, it is usually seriously off the mark in its extent, intensity and obsession.

Our best chance to motivate a child is by -

1. Creating opportunity
2. Giving autonomy to accept / experiment with that opportunity
3. Freedom to reject it
4. Minimal (or no) interference
5. Periodic and realistic praise
6. Avoiding temptations to "suggest/direct/manipulate" child's actions

7. Graciously accepting that child is an independent person with their own fate and built-in ability to deal with it

Remember, if you want a child to enjoy playing, you need to get out of the way.

When adults give unsolicited advice on "how to play" and keep interfering or even take over the play, child simply loses interest and either moves away or feigns cooperation.
(If you are prefer reading stories as a way to learn, I suggest story of "Yayati" from Mahabharat)

शुभं भवतु l