Thread by @RussInCheshire

I was going to do #TheWeekInTory but it’s been so quiet.

You should be so lucky. It’s an absolute fucking casserole. 111 points in a week.

At some point you’ll need to tap “Show replies”, or give up and get howling drunk instead. Bottoms up!

1. Nigel Farage became the last human (and the first toad) to admit Brexit has failed

2. It’s been *months* since we changed PM, so this week Tories began ousting Rishi Sunak, the chef from Ratatouille having a go at being a lifestyle coach after being abandoned by the rat

3. “The party are giving up on Rishi” said one Tory MP, and the loving quotes from his devoted fanclub just kept on coming

4. “[MPs] are realising that the end is nigh”

5. “A storm is brewing”

6. “[MPs] will roll the dice again if they think they will lose anyway”

7. But it isn’t all a circular firing squad: James Duddridge said “We need to unite around Rishi’s five-point plan”

8. Sunak immediately said he was “no longer committed” to at least one of those 5 points, which he announced just 3 weeks ago

9. And all four of Grant Shapps admitted delivering the rest of the five-point plan “may be difficult”

10. He had a good week, Shapps, beginning with him claiming Brexit finally lets Britain control immigration

11. Immigration has risen tenfold since the Brexit referendum

12. Shapps said “I was never a Brexiter, so it’s not my ideology”

13. In 2016 he wrote “I’m backing Brexit all the way, as hard as you like”

14. Shapps then popped up on TV to deplore “radical left” policies, but couldn’t name a single “radical left” policy he disagreed with

15. Shapps claimed Tory policies meant “we have seen the end of 18 month waits” for NHS care

16. Same day: the govt announced hit had missed its target of ending 18-month waits for NHS care

17. Reminder: the Tories inherited an average NHS hospital waiting period of 9 weeks

18. The Tories announced a new £1bn semiconductor strategy as a benefit of leaving the EU

19. The EU’s semiconductor strategy is worth 37 times as much

20. The head of the UK’s top semiconductor startup called Sunak’s plan “frankly flaccid”

21. James Dyson said the policy is “scandalous neglect” and “a mere political slogan”

22. Car manufacturers warned they may have to scrap plans to build in UK due to Brexit

23. Kemi Badenoch said it’s not due to Brexit

24. Ford, Vauxhall and Jaguar said it definitely is

25. So the Tories offered to give Jaguar £500m to please, please, please not fuck off to France

26. Instead, Barclays fucked off to France

27. Anyway: now we’ve got back control, the Tories have to beg the EU not to implement the deal our govt literally just negotiated

28. Demonic fingerbob Jeremy Hunt said he wanted to increase immigration so businesses can “find the labour they need”

29. Same day: Sunak said he wanted to cut immigration

30. These are the sensible grown-ups, brought in after the chaos of stunned guppy Liz Truss

31. Speaking of which, Truss, aka Margarine Thatcher, went to Taiwan to provoke a war with China and get her photo on the front page of The Telegraph

32. Tory defence committee chairman Tobias Elwood called her “selfish and disloyal”

33. Suella Braverman, a Horcrux trapped inside a guinea pig, said The Lords shouldn’t block her mad, cruel and probably illegal asylum bill, cos it is “the will of the British people”

24. Just 10% support sending people to Rwanda

35. Over 43% oppose her entire asylum bill

36. The Bar Standards Board is investigating claims Braverman breached the lawyer’s code with her “racist sentiments and discriminatory narratives”

37. For the first time in history, the govt decided to simply ignore a parliamentary vote, and did what they wanted regardless.

38. More good news for democracy fans, as Tom Tugendhat also ignored an official plea by the Electoral Commission to close loopholes allowing other countries make secret donations to UK political parties

39. Tom Tugendhat is the actual security minister

40. Matt Hancock, a cross between The Milk Tray Man and a divorced spork, boasted that “I’m a normal person now”, and implored other politicians to “just, like, be normal”, while he clutched a pint and stood on one leg, shouting in a pub

41. Off to the National S̵o̵c̵i̵a̵l̵i̵s̵m̵ Conservatism Conference

42. Daniel Kawczynski, a prattling tower of ceaseless inadequacy, was reprimanded for attending in 2019, cos it’s a turd-bestrewn playpen for far-right maniacs

43. This time, half the Tory party turned up

44. Things began with Jacob Rees-Mogg, an apparition of a pitiless Victorian dentist that appears to you just before you die, who claimed Brexit had prevented the Ukraine invasion

45. I’ve fact-checked this, and Ukraine has, in fact, been invaded

46. From there Rees-Mogg, who was in the cabinet when the Voter ID law was agreed, admitted Voter ID was just a “clever scheme” to “gerrymander” votes for Tories

47. Rishi Sunak said he was confident he’d win the next election

48. Of course he’s confident: his side cheats.

49. Anyway, to solve a problem affecting 0.000001% of votes, the Tories turned away 1.2% of voters, a number 12 million times larger

50. 53% of those turned away are non-white

51. And in Lincs, 800 uncounted votes were “found” a week after 2 Tories won with only 535 votes each

52. Teesside's Tory mayor Ben Houchen is under pressure as part of a long-running saga about him allegedly selling about £400m of public land to a private company for £96.50, in what a Labour MP calls “truly shocking, industrial-scale corruption”

53. Houchen claimed “every single document, contract, paper, email, advice relating to Teesworks has been reviewed and given a clean bill of health”

54. This week the National Audit Office said that’s not true, and told Houchen to retract his bullshit

55. Oliver Dowden, a be-Tangoed, adenoidal Morph cosplayer who fills the cubic hole left by Dom Raab, told parliament “We have one of the fastest growth rates in the whole of the G7 since Brexit”

56. We actually have the slowest and lowest growth in the G7 since Brexit

57. Danny Kruger said the country’s problems are all down to “Marxism, narcissism and paganism”

58. The Tories have been in charge for 13 years

59. Kruger blamed it all on a “dystopian fantasy of John Lennon”

60. John Lennon has been dead for 42 years

61. Kruger demanded the a return of the “normative family” and an end to divorce

62. Kruger was secretary to Boris Johnson, a one-man game of Shag, Marry, Avoid who left his wife at home while he perform his positively barnyard breeding rituals all over Jennifer Arcuri

63. But his colleague Miriam Cates is in favour of lavish intercourse, insisting we should all Fuck For Britain, because “individualism” (which is what the Tories have always advocated) “has completely failed to deliver babies”

64. “Children are not an economic burden”, said Cates

65. She's a member of a party that won't give you benefits if you have more than 2 children

66. And under the Tories, UK childcare is twice as expensive as the OECD average

67. Cates said “Having a home and a secure job … are not the only conditions to starting a family”

68. She is a member of a party that has reduced home ownership by 13%, and gutted job security by reducing union and workplace rights

69. Cates went on to claim “cultural Marxism” was “destroying our children’s souls”

70. John Mann, the govt’s antisemitism tsar, describes the term Cultural Marxism as “a conspiracy theory with anti-Semitism at its core”

71. A Tory MP said Cates would “drag the party back to the dark ages”

72. It can go there without any help from Cates

73. Douglas Murray said we shouldn't reject nationalism just because it had caused 2 world wars: the third one is predicted to be a humdinger!

74. Lord Cruddas accused Labour of rigging elections via the dastardly ploy letting people vote

75. Katharine Birbalsingh told the conference that if you loved your country, you’d tweet under your own name

76. Katharine Birbalsingh tweets as @Miss_Snuffy

77. And the Tory Party’s emotional support turbot, Michael Gove, wrapped things up by saying the conference had been “evidence of the intellectual energy we have in the center-right”

78. There's a fine line between madness and genius, and Gove appears to have snorted that line.

79. A Tory MP said Gove and Braverman are “not fit for office”

80. So Gove and Braverman went back to their offices, and helped introduce student loan reforms which will make richer graduates pay less than poor ones do

81. Adam Afriyie faces illegal lobbying accusations cos he repeatedly promoted vaping without mentioning that his wife owns shares in a vaping company

82. And police began investigating Julian Knight for a “serious sexual assault”

83. Damian Green celebrated his childhood habit of swimming in raw sewage, so we should all take it easy about living in a river of shit

84. So baffled herring Helen Whately promised to fix the sewage problem her party had caused in a mere 25 years

85. The plan is to let water companies keep their £57bn dividends, and instead raise your water bills by £10bn, which will also raise water company profits

86. Whately is also refusing to explain why she claims £3,250 a month rent expenses

87. Universal Credit is £368 a month

88. James Heappey claimed “hundreds of thousands” of Afghan refugees claim asylum here

89. It’s actually 12000

90. And the govt is attempting to ship them to Rwanda anyway, including an air force veteran who fought alongside British forces against the Taliban

91. Snowflake news, and a Tory crime commissioner launched a police investigation into a Labour candidate, because - and this is really important stuff, so take it seriously - he’d used the colour blue on his leaflets

92. Sunak, a ethics chatbot with the energy of the 7th most impressive Apprentice candidate, campaigned to be Tory leader with a video showing him shredding EU laws

93. This week he dropped his promise to shred 4000 EU laws

94. Instead, we’re only scrapping 600 laws, including those making our govt cut toxic air pollution and the amount of cyanide in baby food

95. This prompted Priti Patel, the Shetland Pony of the Apocalypse, to say Sunak is overseeing the “managed decline” of the Tory party

96. She then called for the return of Truss-style tax cuts, cos they were such as success

97. Kwasi Kwarteng, a dead-eyed functionary from the Death Star, refused to apologise for crashing the economy, insisting the public regularly told him “you tried your best”. Sure. Sure.

98. Kemi Badenoch, aka Mary Wokehouse, is also manoeuvring for position to replace Sunak

99. It’s going well, with one of her Tory Brexiteer backers saying “any chance she did have of being leader has been completely wiped out” and “she’s crashed and burned”

100. Suella Braverman also hopes to be the next PM

101. I wish her well. Only 13% of voters have a positive opinion of her, compared with 53% negative

102. She started her campaign by railing against any “experts and elites” aka, people who know how to do things

103. Then she decided to evict 1000s of Afghan refugees, for the fourth time since we airlifted them out of Kabul

104. This gained her lots of Tory fans

105. “I just think she should resign”, said a Tory councillor. “I don’t think she knows what she’s doing”

106. Tory MPs on Braverman: “It makes me despair”

107. “You would think being home secretary was some side hustle”

108. “She hasn’t got a prayer of becoming leader. She is overpromoted as it is”

109. “Outrageous. It was all about her ambitions, not about improving things”

110. And then all-terrain idiot Brendan Clarke-Smith popped up with a simply marvellous solution for all the poverty his party has caused, which is to buy cheaper beans, something no poor person would have thought up on their own

111. But lopsided carnival barker Ann Widdecombe clearly felt cheap beans was still a bit too wishy-washy, and insisted anybody too poor to make a 40p cheese sandwich should just shut up and do without food entirely

I’ve written a book about the last 2 years of this, which is just as annoying, but has room for longer jokes.

If you order it now, your name is printed in the back, and I can afford to feed the dog. Not beans though, Ann. Heaven forfend!

unbound.com/books/four-cha…

I also wrote The Decade In Tory, which covers the years from 2010 to 2020, and has 5 star reviews from people who care about this shit and survived reading it.

goodreads.com/en/book/show/6…