(and remember to click "show replies" if the thread cuts off)
1. Let’s start with David Cameron, the ex-PM who charmed us all with his polished manners, lacquered hair, and varnished face
2. The glazed polyp was back this week, to insist we should not criticise the Rwanda plan “unless you have a better idea”
3. I have: stop doing it. Attempting to ship just 37 people to Rwanda last year cost the same as 235 years of asylum allowances, and it was such an effective deterrent that illegal immigration rose by 24% in a year
4. Yes, after 13 years ignoring everything else so they could bring down immigration, immigration hit record levels, and everything else is going to shit
5. In November, froth-weight ninny Rishi Sunak said he’d bring immigration down below 2019 levels (220,000)
6. By Monday he’d adjusted expectations, promising to bring it below “the level he inherited” (500,000)
7. On Tuesday it reached 606,000
8. Sunak assured us he had “not lost control”, which presumably means ALL THIS is exactly what he wanted to happen
9. Iain Duncan Smith, a child’s drawing of sublime idiocy superimposed onto a competitively evil gonad, said the country was “addicted to cheap labour”, so we must pay Brits more to do the work
10. He opposes pay rises for nurses, doctors, teachers, or rail workers
11. So the govt pushed down wages by reducing by 20% the amount a migrant can earn
12. IDS then said if Tories don’t reduce migration “the public will mark us down” cos “we have been in power now for four years”
13. He can't count above 10 without taking his shoes off
14. During those 14 years (Iain), Tories stopped benefit if you have a 3rd child, and ended legal aid if you earn over £12k
15. Thatched hobo Boris Johnson earned £6m last year, is about to have his 8th child, but got £245k to fight an inquiry into things he's admitted he did
16. While preparing to defend the indefensible, Johnson’s taxpayer-funded lawyers found his diary, which allegedly listed all the times he’d had friends over at Chequers during the period when lockdowns made this illegal
17. So his own lawyers reported him to the Cabinet Office
18. And then the Cabinet Office reported him to the police
19. So Johnson sacked his lawyers and threatened to sue the Cabinet Office
20. But in order to sue, he’ll need new lawyers, who will – you guessed it – once again be funded by the taxpayer
21. An internal source says the newly exposed material shows “fairly clear evidence of criminality”
22. Johnson’s pals rushed to “help”. Jacob Rees-Mogg, a zombie Jarvis Cocker made entirely out of string cheese, admitted he’d visited Chequers with his family during lockdown.
23. Nadine Dorries – Johnson’s very own Greyfriars Bobby who has made it halfway to being an idiot savant – is reportedly threatening to stand down and cause a byelection because the Covid Inquiry is picking on her beloved Boris
24. And Johnson’s sister Rachel helpfully volunteered that “all the rules were followed whenever I went to Chequers”, and act which would have been against the rules
25. There follows a sub-thread of reaction quotes from impressed Tory MPs and peers:
a. “Are you determined to turn our party into a skip fire?”
b. “The whole [Johnson] family have a massive sense of entitlement”
c. “Would the last Tory MP to leave the building please turn off the lights.”
d. “He [Johnson] is like a bad smell that does not seem to go away”
26. Anyway: galoshes on, and let’s pay a visit to Suella Braverman, an irradiated beaver locked in a staring competition with the inevitability of failure
27. This week she was accused of asking civil servants to help her avoid a driving fine
28. She denied four times that this had happened
29. It had definitely happened, which means she broke the ministerial code by lying
30. The code also says ministers mustn’t ask civil servants to do anything other than official work – such as helping to avoid a speeding fine
31. The former top civil servant at the Brexit dept said “This is a breach of the ministerial code [and] a real lapse of judgment”
32. In the end, Braverman opened a window, tensed slightly, and squeezed out a hot, fresh apology to Rishi Sunak, Britain's first known spine donor
33. Sunak, a student of ethics who is being PM during his gap year, admitted there had been a “perception of impropriety”, which is against the ministerial code, and that’s why he’d decided Braverman hadn’t broken the ministerial code
34. Lego Elvis isn't the only one struggling with the basics: it emerged that Braverman “keeps getting facts wrong” and makes so many “basic errors” that her dept now has a dedicated team to fact check any statement she makes to the Cabinet
35. More on getting shit wrong: NSPCC wrote to Braverman and Sunak, telling them their “inaccurate or divisive claims” about grooming gangs are making children less safe
36. Fresh from this, Braverman announced new limits on foreign students, to “help boost Britain’s economy”
37. Foreign students add £36 billion a year to our economy, which you can think of as a pile of £10 notes over 223 miles high, which we’re about to set fire to in the middle of an economic crisis
38. More quotes for Tory MPs who are clearly admirers of Braverman:
a. “I don’t often say people are completely useless, but if her desk had not been occupied I wouldn’t have noticed”
b. “She is already a liability”
c. “You can’t use your official position to get privileged treatment”
d. “It is blindingly obvious she is not up to the job and her attitude, tone and lack of administrative ability are detrimental to the govt”
e. “She has never been up to the job. With each passing day more evidence emerges of her poor judgement”
f. “She should absolutely go”
g. “She is peddling inflated rhetoric and giving speeches that trash the Conservative brand”
39. So: literally the next day: fresh allegations of Braverman breaking the ministerial code, this time over undeclared links with the Rwandan authorities
40. The former head of Standards in Public Life said “I would have thought that could be a breach of the ministerial code”
41. But Braverman blames all her problems not on her bracing and seemingly bottomless clodhoppery, but on small boats
42. This is despite over 75% of small boats asylum claims from 2018 still awaiting her decision
43. And this week she tried to get out of voting for her own signature small boats bill, which makes it look like she doesn’t want to solve the problem, simply to exploit it
44. A Tory insider said “The chief whip is at his wit’s end with Suella”
45. Meanwhile, still stuck at his wit’s beginning, James Cleverly went on a 4 day tour of the Caribbean in a luxurious, taxpayer-funded private jet that costs £10,000 per hour
46. The jet is described by its leasing company as “the ultimate statement of wealth”
47. For those lacking such wealth: good news, inflation fell
48. Bad news: it’s still higher than forecast, so prices are still zooming up
49. Terrible news: food inflation hit a 45-year high
50 . Halving inflation is the third of Sunak’s Five Pledges to have failed in the last three weeks
51. He also dropped non-pledge pledges to improve animal welfare
52. And dropped the promise to improve air quality
53. And to maintain food standards
54. And the promise to build 40 hospitals by 2030, now pushed back another decade
55. As waiting lists spiral to over 7 million, and over 2.5 million are unable to work cos they're off sick, the number of people who died while waiting in A&E has risen 40% since 2019
56. So rather than building hospitals, improving pay and conditions, or allowing migrant health workers into the country, Sunak plans to cut migrant nurses, and “legally compel” GPs to offer patients private healthcare.
57. The guy who promised integrity at the highest level told this week's PMQs that the IMF predicts “stronger growth” in the UK than in Germany, France or Italy
58. The IMF actually predicts the UK will have the lowest growth in the G7 over the next 2 years
59. To help with growth, Sunak is at least determined to press ahead with his flagship “freeports” policy
60. A govt report found freeports are “of no economic benefit” to the country
61. I wonder who they will benefit? Let's pop to Teesside and find out!
62. Teesside Tory mayor Ben Houchen is accused of “industrial scale corruption” just cos he sold public land the size of Gibraltar and worth £100m to a freeport company for slightly less than 97 quid
63. Then taxpayers paid £246m to clean the land for the new owners
64. The deal allows the 2 new owners half the profits from any the scrap on the site
65. So they made £50m, before a single one of their promised new job has been created
66. And what’s more, nobody can find any evidence that they’ve invested in the project at all
67. Under pressure from MPs, Michael Gove, a bestial melding of Gordon the Gopher and JarJar Binks, told parliament he’d already set up an inquiry into this scandal
68. He hadn’t
69. So he said he’d do an inquiry, but not via the National Audit Office, which reports independently to parliament: he’ll set up a new investigative body instead, which will report only to him
70. And he’ll choose who is on the body. So that’s nice and independent, then
71. Other news: police requested a fifth bail extension for the Tory MP arrested for rape a year ago
72. In free-speech news, the govt banned a leading chemical weapons expert from a govt event because a few years ago he said “Bloody Tories” on Twitter
73. A major Tory donor is under investigation for tens of millions in money laundering
74. Jeremy Hunt was officially reprimanded by the UK Statistics Authority for claiming state debt would fall, when in fact it would rise
75. And Damian Green did a one-man performance of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch, describing a blissful childhood of bathing in fresh human turds, so now he answers to Damian Yellowish-Brown
76. Before this idiocy ends, a few more quotes from delighted Tory MPs
a. “The latest election-winning slogan from the amazing Sunak PR machine seems to be ‘let them pick fruit and swim in shit’.”
b. “I feel like I’m in the wrong party”
c. “They need sacking”
77. No, I’m not done. Off to Brexit, the Tory Party’s raison d'etre: and it remains entirely on-brand, with only 9% of voters saying it’s been a success, and 62% saying it’s been a failure
78. Even amongst Leave voters, almost twice as many think it’s a failure than a success
79. UK fruit exports have dropped by 55% since Brexit
80. Brexit food trade barriers cost us £7bn
81. Brexit is responsible for a third of food price inflation
82. And the number of UK companies relocating operations to Germany to avoid Brexit paperwork rose 266% in a year
83. But it’s not all bad news: 10% of Tory MPs have already decided to stand down at the next election
84. This now includes Dominic Raab, who I’ve often mocked for his square head, but I won’t do that now. I’ll simply point out that his haircuts cost £8, which is £2 a side
If this is the kind of thing that appeals to your sick, sick mind, perhaps you'd like to order my forthcoming book, which has space for far more jokes, and is easy to set on fire and hurl from a barricade
Early this morning, he found and ate a long-dead object on the field. He's had liquid shits ever since.
But that's not smelly enough for Baxter, so when I took him for a walk just now, he found some fox crap and rolled in that too.
Straight home and into the bath.
So: he's waist-deep in water while I shower reeking fox shit off his back, when suddenly he gives me a look that says "neither of us will like what happens next".
He's not wrong.
He squats in the bath, and shoots out about a pint of diarrhoea.
The bath is now a soup of hot dog shit, decorated with crusty fox crap croutons.
I lift him out, and begin emptying the bath. He's soaked in a mixture of shampoo, fox shit and his own hot, watery diarrhoea.
He's wet, idiotic and a dog. So he shakes himself wildly.
Tomorrow, May 20th, the Tories will have been in power for longer than New Labour were.
This thread lists what Labour did during their 4,756 days in office.
HEALTH
85,000 more nurses
NHS waiting times down 82%
98% of A&E patients seen in 4 hours
Free eye tests for over 60s
Heart disease deaths down 150,000
Cancer deaths down 50,000
Free breast screening for 50-70 year-olds
In-patient waiting lists down 500,000
Created NHS Direct
POVERTY
600,000 children lifted out of poverty
1m pensioners lifted out of poverty
26% increase in child benefit
Introduced winter fuel payments
Made improvements to 1m social homes
Introduced child Tax Credits
Created 3m child trust funds
Free bus travel for over 60s
I was going to do #TheWeekInTory but it’s been so quiet.
You should be so lucky. It’s an absolute fucking casserole. 111 points in a week.
At some point you’ll need to tap “Show replies”, or give up and get howling drunk instead. Bottoms up!
1. Nigel Farage became the last human (and the first toad) to admit Brexit has failed
2. It’s been *months* since we changed PM, so this week Tories began ousting Rishi Sunak, the chef from Ratatouille having a go at being a lifestyle coach after being abandoned by the rat
3. “The party are giving up on Rishi” said one Tory MP, and the loving quotes from his devoted fanclub just kept on coming
4. “[MPs] are realising that the end is nigh”
5. “A storm is brewing”
6. “[MPs] will roll the dice again if they think they will lose anyway”
For a change, I’m going to begin the latest #TheWeekInTory with some news about Labour.
Don't think this makes things any better, because it doesn't.
I implore you, by all you hold dear, not to read this thread.🧵
1. Under Labour NHS wait averaged 9 weeks
2. After 13 years in power, the Tories’ latest PM, a deep-fake Thunderbird called Rishi Sunak, promised “bring waiting lists down” to 18 months as one of his “Five big pledges”
3. This week Steve Barclay admitted missing that pledge
4. Its OK if you don’t know who Steve Barclay is: his own family couldn’t pick him out of a line-up of one. He’s so bland his DNA profile says “404 error”. His official photo is the curtains behind him. He’s safe from my usual character assassination, cos he was born without one
It’s been a while (because I’ve been writing a book) but adopt the position, drink heavily, and brace, brace for the return of #TheWeekInTory
Only 72 points. A quiet week.
1. Forget about the old amoral Tory party: this is the shiny new Tory party, now led by Captain Ethics
2. And to prove it, Marcus Fysh is being investigated over his income and expenditure
3. And Steve Brine is being investigated for paid lobbying
4. And Henry Smith for incorrect use of taxpayer-funded stationery
5. And Matt Hancock for being the Dim Reaper – no, sorry, for his I’m A Celeb jaunt
6. And all-terrain idiot Scott Benton, who admitted on camera that he would happily break parliamentary rules in return for payment from the gambling industry
I suspect Braverman won't be home secretary for very long after the local elections. 2 reasons.
1. They'll lose ~1000 council seats, Sunak will look for change in his cabinet, and she's far too controversial. Alienates far more voters than she atteacts. And ...
2. This policy won't "stop the boats". They've had 168 immigration policies since 2010, and over 40 announcements of ways to stop boats since 2020. Constant failure is bad. Noisy, controversial failure is worse. This is too noisy. When it fails, she's gone.
I think he brought her back to cement his position with the right of his party. She's done that now, and it's all down-side for Sunak from here on: .all controversy, all noisy failure, no wins. I think she'll remain in cabinet (for party management reasons). But demoted.