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Gather around friends, it's time for my official Alberta Election 2023 prediction. Based on very little knowledge and a solid record of calling things wrong, here's what's going to happen tomorrow and the future🧵
#ableg #abpoli
#ableg #abpoli
The UCP and NDP will each have 43 MLAs elected, with the 87th seat going to Jennifer Johnson, who will represent Lacombe-Ponoka.
That's right, the lady that called children "feces" in the cookie dough of our schools will have her vote up for sale. And it won't come cheap.
That's right, the lady that called children "feces" in the cookie dough of our schools will have her vote up for sale. And it won't come cheap.
Take Back Alberta (TBA) will suddenly, by proxy, find themselves holding the balance of power and will waste no time setting in motion all their insane demands. Secession! Annexing land to get pipelines to water! Freedom! The expelling of all queer folks from Alberta!
Danielle Smith will be sworn in as premier and will welcome Johnson's reforms, claiming she's "always supported these policies, from the very beginning."
Videos from the just-ended campaign contradicting this claim will be dismissed as "ancient history" and "media bias."
Videos from the just-ended campaign contradicting this claim will be dismissed as "ancient history" and "media bias."
Angered and disgusted by the policies put forward in the ensuing legislative session, UCP MLAs will fall in line and vote for them.
Protesting constituents will be reassured that "Danielle Smith will be gone soon, just go with it."
Protesting constituents will be reassured that "Danielle Smith will be gone soon, just go with it."
One UCP MLA, haunted by Peter Lougheed's moderating ghost, will take a walk in the river valley, decide "this isn't Alberta," vote for the No Woke In Alberta Act, and promptly resign their seat.
A by-election will not be called, however, because it's a seat the UCP can't win.
A by-election will not be called, however, because it's a seat the UCP can't win.
A grid-locked #ableg will grind to a halt. It will not be dissolved for another election, because all election terms are now decided by referendum. UCP MLA will complain about the inefficiency of government and mutter "why would anyone allow this?" even though they allowed it.
But wait! A rumbling rumbles in the east! Recently re-elected prime minister Justin Trudeau sees the province he thought he could safely ignore is hopelessly stuck! A staunch believer in confederation, Trudeau will immediately fly to Red Deer to hold talks.
Gathering the two parties and the one asshole MLA who compared children to shit, he will listen to their grievances and problems and ignore all of them.
He'll breathe his weird little breath and say "Canada has always been there to help people who need it."
He'll breathe his weird little breath and say "Canada has always been there to help people who need it."
Trudeau will immediately annex Alberta, rename it East Ontario, install a military junta of Newfoundland-born officers as an interim government, and call an election.
A protest convoy will immediately leave for Ottawa.
A protest convoy will immediately leave for Ottawa.
Watching it all, with all their problems and issues again sidelines, Indigenous groups in Treaties 6, 7 and 8 will release a statement that reads:
"Oh, for fuck's sake."
"Oh, for fuck's sake."
Rick Bell will write a column about the "argy bargy that is Albertan politics." David Staples will publish a column about how speed limits around publicly funded hockey arenas are an issue "whose time has come."
Once the initial protests have been quelled and the feces from the convoy protest has been washed from the streets, somewhere, in a cigar-colured, leather appointed room, Justin Trudeau, George Soros and Klaus Schwab will sit back with snifters of Alberta rye whiskey and remark:
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