Thread by @RussInCheshire

By any standards, it's a pretty hectic #TheWeekInTory, and it's been a battle to get this down to a readable size.

If you like this nonsense, consider buying my books (links at the end). Or just retweet, or whatevs.

Remember to tap "Read replies" to see the full thread...

1. Crystal meth Barbie, Nadine Dorries, said she would never quit and cause a by-election

2. Four hours later, she quit and caused a by-election

3. But – being Nadine – she couldn’t cope with the complexities of this basic task, and still hasn’t formally resigned

4. Her resignation is a form of temper tantrum, for once not conducted outside a Greggs at 2am, but resulting from her not getting a peerage

5. She's previously said the Lords was “cronyism at its worst”, and she’d be “lobbying for a bill to massively reduce the Lords in size”

6. Regardless, today's version of Nadine’s brain says she’s victim of a class-based plot to keep her out of the Lords, rather than, for example, a rational decision to not hand lifetime power to someone who acts like she’s been plucked at random from a brawl outside a kebab shop

7. Johnson had promised Dorries she was on the honours list he’d given to Sunak

8. Sunak, a chatbot with the hair of a Lego Elvis, said she wasn’t on the list

9. Dorries still hasn’t worked out Johnson is a liar, so she demanded release of WhatsApp messages to prove her case

10. At the same time the govt is suing itself to prevent the release of WhatsApp messages about Covid

11. Despite all this, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nosferatu attempting to blend in at a Bible Study Meeting, said Johnson was “in pole position for a future leadership contest”

12. Minutes later, Johnson resigned rather than face the consequences of his contemptible actions, not least of which – and I don’t wanna make this all about me – was him resigning literally 2 minutes after I’d finished my last Week In Tory, the selfish bastard

13. Fat Malfoy said the inquiry he personally set up and designed was a “witch hunt”, and a pretty successful witch hunt too, cos it easily found a fat, blond, shambolic one, who was wielding his famous Inexhaustible Bullshit Spell

14. In 750 years of parliament, he's the first PM to be found to have deliberately misled the Commons

15. Johnson claimed he believed he was telling the truth at the time he said it, cos his crack team of leggy, blonde, teenaged advisors had told him parties weren’t parties

16. Turn out his “advisors” in this case were two Daily Mail journalists

17. And then, three days after quitting, Johnson was announced as a Daily Mail journalist

18. However, former PMs have to get parliamentary approval before taking new jobs, and Johnson hasn’t

19. So he’s committed a “clear breach of the rules” just one day after quitting because he'd been found to have committed a clear breach of the rules

20. And the day after that, he was photographed driving without a seatbelt

21. He quit rather than accept a 30-day suspension from the committee he had personally set up to find the truth

22. Johnson leaked the report, and said it proved there was biased against him

23. Cos he'd leaked it, his suspension was immediately increased to 90 days

24. Team Johnson then threatened deselection for any Tory who agreed with verifiable reality

25. The committee listed 16 additional illegal gatherings, which – hilariously – Johnson’s own legal team uncovered while reviewing the evidence Johnson gave them to form his defence

26. Top spine-donor Rishi Sunak was urged to cancel Johnson’s resignation honours and strip him of the £115,000 a year for life normally due to all the non-disgraced former PMs

27. Instead, Sunak allowed almost all Johnson’s honours, and signed off the £115k for life

28. Don't wanna worry you, but the day Shit Aslan resigned, a new “National Conservatism Party” was registered with the Electoral Commission.

29. Johnson’s was also found to have held parliament in contempt

30. But nowhere near as much contempt as parliament has for him

31. Just 7 Tory MPs are still defending him, out of a party of 357, and by a massive coincidence they are almost entirely people he has just “honoured”. There will now be a small sub-thread of the lucky recipients. (Hey, you try keeping this shit organised and brief).

a. Jacob Rees-Mogg, an aristocratic goth supervillain made of string-cheese, who dressed up as a harrowing antique dildo for Halloween, and then the wind changed direction and he got stuck. Knighthood.

b. Michael Fabricant , a deranged, reality-repelling ukulele enthusiast who can easily pass for an Oompa-Loompa that’s been loaded into a cannon and launched head-first into Dougal from The Magic Roundabout. Knighthood.

c. Priti Patel, the Shetland Pony of the Apocalypse, a proven bully, sacked cos she lied multiple times about holding illicit meetings with a foreign power that we don’t even official recognise, and described as “completely potty” by the Royal Navy. Damehood.

d. Simon Clarke, a mouse-fart made flesh who formed part of the core team that destroyed the economy under Liz Truss. Knighthood.

e. Andrea Jenkyns, famous for dressing as an irradiated lemon to remorselessly stalk the streets, giving the middle finger to the public. Damehood.

f. Guto Harri, who described Johnson as a “sexually incontinent [and] divisive” man who was “dragging the country down”, then – miraculously – was hired to save him during Partygate, and then – not at all miraculously – failed. Knighthood.

g. Shaun Bailey, who had to resign in disgrace because he’d been photographed at an illegal party back in those heady days when Johnson was still in favour of consequences for breaking laws. Life peerage.

h. Martin Reynolds, who had the nickname “Party Marty” because he’d invited over 100 people to an illegal Downing St party, told them to “bring your own booze”, and later wrote “we seem to have got away with it”. Life peerage.

i. Shelley Williams-Walker, who had the nickname “DJ SWW” because she’d been in charge of the playlist at the illegal Downing St party on the eve of Prince Philip’s spartan, socially distanced funeral. Damehood.

j. Ross Kempsell, a 32-year-old man who heroically managed not to laugh out loud while Johnson said his hobby was making buses out of wine boxes, rather than his real hobby: money, getting pissed, and shagging. Kempsell is also Boris Johnson’s tennis partner, so: Life peerage.

k. Charlotte Owen, a devastatingly unqualified pretty, blonde 29-year-old intern described by colleagues as “staggeringly junior”, and whose main political job had been showing visitors the way to meeting rooms. Life peerage.

l. Ben Houchen, Tory mayor on Teesside, who is currently facing mounting accusations of wholesale corruption. Life peerage.

m. And – without doubt the least deserving in a pretty strong undeserving field – an OBE for Johnson’s hairdresser

Back to the main thread ...

32. Johnson is also being loudly, publicly and pathetically defended by Brendan Clarke-Smith, a rare Johnson acolyte who ISN’T getting a knighthood, on the basis that he’s pretty fucking benighted to start with

33. Something called Nigel Adams – no, me neither, he seemingly only exists so he can be killed off, like a pre-titles Bond villain – quit as an MP to support Johnson’s honour, which is a bit like setting yourself on fire for the glory of Discworld

34. In his resignation statement, Johnson said “I take my responsibilities seriously”

35. He's missed 187 Commons votes in the 9 months since he stopped being PM

36. And in the 7 years he’s been MP for Uxbridge, he’s only mentioned the place 4 times in parliament.

37. Quotes about Johnson from adoring Tory MP this week:

a. Shut up and go away

b. Narcissistic twat

c. His actions are akin to mutiny

d. He’s convinced by his own truth, in his own righteousness – there’s no apology, no taking responsibility. It all feels very Trumpian

e. This is the grand finale of the Boris madness. Good riddance

f. There’s no coherent logic to [the resignations] – he and Nadine are just spitting the dummy

g. The pantomime has to end. He has to be stopped by whatever means and the sooner the better.

h. The way he has behaved in insulting the process of the House of Commons is disgraceful. He thinks he can just casually insult parliament.

i. His refuseniks will not let it lie so the damage to the party will be huge

38. And so onto news you may have missed: comparatively (a low bar) honest Robert Jenrick told parliament 20% of immigrants are adult men pretending to be children

39. It’s actually less than 1%. He has not corrected or apologised to parliament

40. Sunak cancelled the £3.6 billion “towns fund” intended to form a central plank of Levelling Up

41. The govt is facing legal action over its “unlawful” policy of putting unaccompanied kids in asylum hotels, which led to hundreds being kidnapped by criminal gangs

42. Lurching abomination Daniel Kawczynski was revealed to have lobbied the Electoral Commission to overturn its own ban on foreign political donations, just so he could accept £10,000 from a “Mongolian friend”

43. Tory MP and flocculent walnut Paul Scully failed to make the shortlist to be Tory London mayoral candidate, even though he was – and you should read this out loud, cos it’s amazing – the only Tory MP put forward as a candidate

44. Grant Shapps said he wanted to “boldly go where no country has gone before” and harness power directly from space.

45. His budget for this is £4.3 million, which is exactly what Lowestoft Council just spent on 16 new huts on the seafront. So… good luck with that, Shapps!

46. Brexit has left us with the worst exports in the last 8 years of any country except Japan, which had to stop exports because of a nuclear disaster

47. So the the govt plans to charge an extra fee on all food imported from the EU, which will drive up food inflation

48. As a result, global bond markets have such faith in Sunak’s economic management that our borrowing costs are now higher those under mad vandal Liz Truss

49. And the government made it illegal to walk slowly. No, really.

50. They did this by ignoring – for the first time in our 750-year parliamentary history – a Commons vote that had already rejected the proposed ban

51. The former Tory chairman called it “fascism” and human rights organisation Liberty called it a “constitutional outrage”

52. Royal Mail issued stamps celebrating Windrush

53. Oxford Uni says 57000 people were affected by the 2018 Windrush scandal

54. Since then, only 940 have received compensation, after 5 years. That’s 1%

Sorry for the promo stuff, but this is how authors can feed their dog or - more likely - get drunk and shout at the telly.

Please support the forthcoming book. Baxter will be grateful. Question Time will not.

unbound.com/books/four-cha…

Also, my last book, The Decade In Tory (2010 - 2020) is a Sunday Times Bestseller with 5⭐️reviews on Amazon, Goodreads and Waterstones. Available now in hardback and Kindle, audiobook from 29 July, and paperback in Sept.

Thanks for all your support!

amazon.co.uk/Decade-Tory-in…