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Jarvis Profile picture
@jarvis_best
Aug 2, 2024 • 13 tweets • 4 min read • Read on X
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Keith Olbermann has called for Elon’s arrest so I thought I would do a thread of my favorite times Keith has demanded someone be arrested along with why he wants them locked up.

Elon Musk: Donating to a PAC that gathers voter info. Image
Ron DeSantis: Flying migrants to Martha’s Vineyard Image
“Select Supreme Court Justices”: He didn’t like one of their rulings Image
Rep MTG: Talking about border security Image
Tom Wilson: Fighting in hockey Image
Rep. Gosar: Endorsing Trump Image
Donald Trump: Making terrorist threats Image
Ted Cruz: asking for an audit Image
Rep Heather Scott: posting on Twitter a picture someone sent her Image
Chief Justice John Roberts: arrest needed if he doesn’t respond to a subpoena from Dick Durbin Image
Jared Kushner: Espionage Image
Donald Trump Jr: treason. Image
Ending it with my overall favorite Keith moment that doesn’t involve him demanding an arrest: the time he tried to dunk on someone but ended up saying he pisses on his own face. Image

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More from @jarvis_best

Jarvis Profile picture
Jun 10
I have decided on a solution to the European problem. They are obviously not fit for self-governance, thus resulting in a permanent state of extreme poverty and a lack of air conditioning so severe that we are tempted to simply let the place collapse. On the other hand, Europe has some beautiful cities and ancient culture that is worth preserving if for no other reason than we enjoy visiting.

So what we need is a grand compromise wherein we permit Europe to continue to exist, but in return, we improve things and become a responsible, kind, benevolent despot.

I call it THE JARVIS PLAN.
JARVIS PLAN ELEMENT ONE: No more self-governance. It's been a disaster. No EU, no "parliament" or "Lords of House" or whatever the hell they call it over there. We run things from now on.

TWO: Europeans permitted to stay ON THE CONDITION that they act very, very European. Dutch people wearing wooden shoes, French kids running around with baguettes and cigs, British people being gay, etc. This is important for ambiance.
THREE: Highest standards of European ambiance will be mandatory. Every corner in Switzerland needs a blond girl and one of those big cows with the bell on it. Failure to maintain ambiance will be handled via drone strikes.
Read 6 tweets
Jarvis Profile picture
May 28
Thread: revisiting my favorite pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to figure out how to eat ice cream

1. Image
2. Reverse Grip Image
3. Cone in Mouth Method Image
Read 9 tweets
Jarvis Profile picture
May 2
Minnesota is a problem. Let’s talk about it.
When people think of Minnesota they probably think of the great film FARGO in which the average resident is portrayed as either a low class low IQ drunk or a serial killer.

You know what? Fargo was being NICE. The real Minnesota is far worse. It was worse back then and it’s WAY worse now.Image
Minnesota used to be populated with kindly Norwegian Lutherans. Sure they were a bit naive and lefty, but they were mostly harmless.

That’s all gone now. There’s no more Lutherans. Minnesota is now cynical tankie Communists pining for Stalin and Somalian pirates. That’s it. That’s all there is.Image
People make fun of the Learing Center but bang for the buck I think the Feed Our Future scandal was the most hilarious.

Somali fraudster: “Ummm hi. Could I please have … hundreds of millions of dollars?”

Tim Walz: “Oh you betcha! Hey … wait what’s it for?”

SF: “Ummm. Kids? Like … feeding them?”

Walz: “Ok. I guess kids need food. But can I see the kids? Just to make sure this is legit?”

SF: “Nah. No. I’m gonna say no.”

Walz: “Fair enough. Here’s a check.”

SF: (leaves).
Read 9 tweets
Jarvis Profile picture
Mar 25
🧵So you’re caught lying on X. Someone has put together a devastating thread pointing out that your argument is based on nothing but falsehoods. It’s over, right?

WRONG. Do not give up. Follow these steps and you will come out even more popular than before.

Starting with …
1. SHOOT THE MESSENGER. Guy who caught you in a lie wore a mask during Covid? Post a screenshot. Didn’t support your candidate? Point it out. Go on the attack IMMEDIATELY. It changes the subject and gets people focused on something other than your lie.

Note: sometimes the person pointing out the lie is pretty clean, in which case wait for someone problematic to amplify the fact checkers post, and attack THAT guy. There’s always someone to attack.
2. THANK THEM FOR THE ENGAGEMENT. We live in an attention economy and in particular spend our y on an app that pays you for eyeballs. Them pointing out that you’re full of crap actually gets more eyes on your stuff, which certainly they know. Take a picture of a luxury item you own (or just download a pic if you don’t have one) and thank them for buying it. They’ll feel like nutsacks and - once again - it takes the focus off your original false claim.
Read 7 tweets
Jarvis Profile picture
Aug 17, 2025
A few years back he quit Spotify because he didn’t like Joe Rogan’s opinions about Covid but after a few years he came back when he found out you can listen to Joe Rogan anywhere.
Screw it. Let’s make a List Of Things Neil Young has quit!

It’s 1960s Winnipeg! A young man enrolls at Kelvin High School, eager to get his exciting life started.

But first? Gotta QUIT. He drops out of high school.

It’s important to get an early start on your hobbies. Image
Not to worry! Neil lands on his feet and joins The Squires - one of the most exciting bands to come out of Canada at that time.

He then quit. Image
Read 15 tweets
Jarvis Profile picture
Aug 8, 2025
The Lord Christ hurting me: a Keith Olbermann Thread

1/ Image
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3/ Image
Read 10 tweets

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