Post

Donald J. Drumpf (Parody)

Aug 18 • 36 tweets • 15 min read • Read on X

I told Shady Vance that I was very angry that he had made Jeffrey Epstein trend again on X. He asked me why. I said, "Buckle Up, Buttercup (*his Drag Name) and I'll give you THIRTY-TWO reasons why!"🧵

1. Do I have to remind you, I asked JD, that you LITERALLY tweeted this in 2016???

“What percentage of the American population has @realDonaldTrump sexually assaulted?” cnn.com/2024/07/23/pol…

@realDonaldTrump 2. As a basic matter of fact, JD, I said to him, are you aware that I was a frequent guest at Jeffrey Epstein's homes in New York and Florida over a multi-year period in which young girls were being groomed and raped? unprecedented.ghost.io/archive/trump-…

3. I reminded JD that Jeffrey Epstein had 14 different numbers for me in his little black book. He called me every time a new "model" was in town! businessinsider.com/jeffrey-epstei…

4. "Have you heard of the Jeffrey Epstein flight logs?" I asked JD. I'm in there SEVEN TIMES! No one spent more time with Jeffrey Epstein during his sex trafficking days than I did!

5. JD said he "didn't know" about the time Jeffrey Epstein & I lured 28 girls to Mar-a-Lago on the pretence they were competing in a calendar girl competition. When they arrived, they discovered they were simply putting on a private show for the two of us! businessinsider.com/trump-epstein-…

6. I said, "Hey JD what about the time Jeffrey Epstein & I partied at Mar-a-Lago with cheerleaders for the Buffalo Bills?" JD admitted that, yes, he had seen the tapes of me ogling the women and joking with Jeffrey—and pawing at the women as they danced.

7. By now JD was crying so much his mascara was running. I told him I was just getting started, so he better stop blubbering and watch this video about all the sexual assaults I've committed within a 10-block radius of Trump Tower.

8. I asked: "Do you know I'm an adjudicated rapist, JD?" He nodded. And then I had to explain to this weird Californian Hillbilly that the place where a jury found me liable for committing that rape was a pitstop on the route from Trump Tower to the Jeffrey Epstein Mansion.

9. I asked JD if he'd heard of the @nypost? I asked him if he read the news that came out this year that one Epstein accuser claimed I had sex with "many girls." Including one who "had sexual relations with me at Jeffery’s NY mansion on regular occasions."
unprecedented.ghost.io/archive/trumps…

@nypost 10. Don't be shocked, JD, but the NYT knows I partied a Epstein's NY mansion on regular occasions because in 2000, a porter who worked next door said: "I often see Donald Trump and there are loads of models coming and going, mostly at night. It’s amazing." nytimes.com/2019/07/08/opi…

@nypost 11. This seemed the moment to let JD know that when I was 51, I dated one of Jeffrey Epstein's teenage victims after she turned 20. The UK Sunday Mirror, a paper previously owned by Robert Maxwell, Ghislaine's father, reported that I was "introduced" to her by Ghislaine Maxwell.

12. "Before you mention Jeffrey Epstein again," I told JD, "Please read the grand jury transcripts that show Alex Acosta was fully aware Epstein had raped children as young as 14 when he offered Epstein a sweetheart deal behind the backs of victims." cbsnews.com/news/grand-jur…

13. "While all this was going on, JD," I told him, "while dozens of young girls were being groomed & raped by Jeffrey Epstein, I was such a fixture at the Epstein home in Palm Beach that I would eat my meals in the staff kitchen. Capiche?" He turned pale. independent.co.uk/news/world/ame…

14. "Did you know," I asked JD, "that Epstein massage client Alan Dershowitz helped negotiate the sweetheart plea deal that protected Epstein's powerful friends—including me!—from prosecution. That 'liberal' Dershowitz is so deep in this shit he served as my impeachment lawyer?"

15. At this point, I reminded JD that I had rewarded Acosta for being such a sweetheart by making him my Labor Secretary in 2017. We were having such fun back then that Acosta proposed an 80% funding cut for the agency that combats child sex trafficking. theguardian.com/us-news/2019/j…

16. Sadly, I told JD, Acosta was forced to resign in shame in 2019 after a federal judge ruled his 2008 deal with Jeffrey Epstein was illegally negotiated behind victim's backs and that Acosta failed in his legal obligation to prosecute Epstein under federal sex trafficking laws.

17. Because JD may soon be one cheeseburger from the Presidency, he also needed to know about the Bill Barr connection, as in: Bill’s dad gave Jeffrey Epstein his entrée into New York society by hiring the college dropout to teach math and physics at the elite Dalton prep school.

18. I reminded JD that Jeffrey Epstein had a nasty accident in prison after Bill Barr took him off suicide watch (after he said he wasn't suicidal, that someone tried to kill him) and Barr broke his promise to never leave Epstein alone in his cell. Oopsy! unprecedented.ghost.io/archive/did-je…

19. "This is our story, and we're sticking to it," I told JD. "Bill Barr looked at all the evidence! Except the independent autopsy paid for by Epstein’s brother. That doctor told Fox News: 'I’ve not seen in 50 years where (injuries like these) occurred in a suicidal hanging.'"

20. "Everything was by the book!" I assured JD. "Just ignore the fact that before Epstein was arrested by a prosecutor I appointed and before he got Epsteined by Bill Barr, Jeff had told a NY Times reporter he had dirt on all kinds of powerful people." nytimes.com/2019/08/12/bus…

21. "Of course Jeffrey Epstein didn't have any tapes of me with little girls, despite what his brother may say," I told JD. "If that evidence existed, my loyal appointees Chris Wray and Bill Barr would have made it public by now." I winked so JD would get my point. He seems slow.

22. "I only have the kindest thoughts about Ghislaine Maxwell," I told JD. "Because after she told a 60 Minutes producer that Jeffrey Epstein had compromising tapes of me back in 2016, she never mentioned it again." the-independent.com/news/world/ame…

23. "It was a perfect FBI raid!" I told JD. "After they opened the safe, the agents realized they didn't have the correct warrant, so they had to leave the scene and come back later. By then the evidence had disappeared! Wray is so much better than Comey!" telegraph.co.uk/world-news/202…

24. "You know people call you weird?" I asked JD. "Tell me if this is weird: When Ivanka turned 13 I started asking people, 'Is it wrong to be more sexually attracted to your own daughter than your wife?'"

He said "If @RepMTG is OK w/it, who am I to say?" bet.com/article/sqlkof…

@RepMTG 25. "Do you believe in weird coincidences?" I asked JD. "Because right around the time I started telling people I was being driven crazy with lust for 13-year-old Ivanka, that's when a woman now claims I raped her at Jeffrey Epstein's home in NY when she was only 13 years old."

@RepMTG 26. By now JD was turning green, so I tried to cheer him up with the story of how by the time Ivanka was 15 I had bought the Miss Teen USA pageant so I could creep on contestants in their dressing room. "Who do you complain to?" one victim told CNN. "He owns the pageant."

@RepMTG 27. "I never really got over Ivanka," I confided in JD. "The same month Melania was giving birth to Barron, I told The View I wanted to 'date' her. That means fuck." JD nodded. "Soon after, I told Stormy she reminded me of Ivanka. And then we had sex."

@RepMTG 28. "I still fantasize about sex with Ivanka," I told JD. He replied, "Yeah. I read John Kelly's book. He said you kept talking about her breasts, her backside & what it might be like to have sex with her. He said he had to remind you she's your daughter." seattletimes.com/nation-world/t…

@RepMTG 29. "Sometimes I make jokes about having sex with children or dating young girls," I told JD. "Does that make me weird?"

"Can we stop talking about this?" he begged. "I swear on my wife's post-menopausal mother I'll never mention Jeffrey Epstein again."

@RepMTG 30. "We're nearly done," I told him. "I just want to make sure you 'Google' George Nader, Anton Lazzaro, Ruben Verastigui, and Adam Hageman. One day a reporter might ask you about all the other pedophiles I've been hanging out with. Charlie Kirk knows Hageman. Ask him, too."

@RepMTG 31. "One thing I need you to swear to me," I told JD. "If Elon ever replaces me and you get the top job, you must never, ever release the #EpsteinFiles. I don't want Ivanka to be put through that."

"I already made that promise to Don Jr.," he said. "It's part of my contract."

@RepMTG 32. "Now you've promised not to release the files, I should tell you that 2 witnesses corroborated Katie Johnson's allegations about that rape in 1994 when she was 13. But I have no idea who made the death threats that made them drop the case, believe me!" courthousenews.com/rape-allegatio…

Today I wrote in my #GratitudeJournal how lucky I am that MAGA SCOTUS didn't declare me a "King" until 2024! That way, the US media treated me like a regular celebrity to protect (like the UK's Jimmy Savile). Only Andrew got the full "Royal Treatment"! unprecedented.ghost.io/archive/trump-…