6th lead in Lifetime's “Psycho Yoga Instructor“ and Nobel Peace Prize nominee. Human 1st, comedian 2nd. #LFGM
I only tweet to troll fascists.
Nov 13, 2022 • 17 tweets • 3 min read
A thread:
There are 20 house races currently undecided. The democrats need 14 to keep control of the house. So lets do a deep dive into what is left. Can democrats still win?
Alaska's ranked choice system makes it much more complicated, but all signs are pointing to Peltola. 13 left.
Nov 9, 2022 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
While the senate is too close to call, I am calling the election that makes me the happiest boy: Lauren Boebert has lost. I'll show you the math in the thread.
Currently, she's down by about 5,000 votes. And unfortunately for her (and fortunately for humanity), that's too much ground to cover. In fact, I think Frisch will take an even bigger lead.
Nov 9, 2022 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
Apologies I've not been at my spreadsheets. I had a show. But I'm back now and with shitty hotel internet, here's what I have.
It is 46-46. AK and UT will be R. Hawaii will be D. So that leaves 5 races with 3 dem wins needed to reach 50, all 5 for 52. Now I begin the math...
The 5 states at play are Arizona, Georgia, Nevada, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin.
Jul 5, 2022 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
"If you don't own a gun, you don't know enough about them to make gun laws," he says just after regulating a uterus.
For those asking who said this, that's like asking who said "guns don't kill people." It is a common argument that people make regarding gun laws.
If you got the joke, come see me live. Shows coming up in Pittsburgh, Bend OR, Richland WA, Spokane WA, & more. Tix on my website.
Apr 29, 2022 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
The generation that could buy a house with a part time job and went to college for $5K sure likes to tell everyone how difficult it was to pay back their student loans.
Since 1980, averages wages have doubled.
Meanwhile, the cost of college has gone up 11 times what it was.
Fuck you and your "it was SO hard for me!" narrative. You wouldn't know hard if you guzzled a bottle of Viagra.
Jan 10, 2022 • 11 tweets • 2 min read
THREAD:
I don't know the circumstances of Bob Saget's death. I do, however, know that he was hilarious, kind, and a joy to work with.
I got to host and produce the 15th anniversary of the Laugh Factory's USO radiothon. Always star-studded, but the 15th anniversary was wild. NFL players, movie stars, and the whole thing was closed out with Bob Saget, followed by a surprise appearance by Conan O'Brien.
Jan 9, 2022 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
COVID update thread:
I'm fine, as far as I know. I mean, are we ever really fine? Especially after the last two years. But, I digress.
My symptoms completely subsided earlier in the week. I basically had a light cold for a day and a half.
Thankfully boosted and I mask everywhere, which lessens the viral load. You don't need to mask outdoors, but I still do because I live in Pittsburgh and it's so very, very cold. The best thing to come out of COVID is going to be how much warmer our faces get to be in the cold.
Dec 10, 2021 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
THREAD:
Consumer pricing has gone up by 6.8% in November. Why?
A little, pandemic-led shifts in the market strained the supply chain.
A lot, lies about empty shelves and fake panic about prices allow greedy companies to raise prices under the guise of inflation.
Simply put, this is price gouging.
During the Iraq war, gas prices shot up and companies thanked consumers for their war-time sacrifice. While making record profits.
Giant companies are not raising prices to eek by. They're raising prices because you believe they need to.
Nov 26, 2021 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
BREAKING: The mayor of Oroville, CA declared the city a "Constitutional Republic" in an effort to get around vaxx and mask laws.
THIS YEAR Oroville used federal funds to fight fires AND rebuild their damn. If they were independent, they would be both on fire and underwater.
The most ridiculous part is the idea they'd be able to be independent from Butte County.
The county is the largest employer in the city. Over 15% of the entire population works for Butte. Though the 2nd largest employer is the hospital - which will probably need more staff.
Nov 24, 2021 • 5 tweets • 2 min read
THREAD:
Years ago, I got mad when someone interrupted one of my shows to yell a "joke" about how Jewish people control TV. I got mad, posted the video, it got picked up by a bunch of neo-nazi blogs, and I ended up having to talk to the FBI.
Yesterday, a twitter account that openly promotes anti-semitism sliced the clip and posted just the part where I get angry. It's been shared a bunch in their circle of festering idiots. And many of them are coming to my timeline to post "TV". They think they're being clever.
Sep 24, 2021 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
At hotel breakfast and a table is discussing why they aren’t vaccinated because they don’t know what’s in it.
And yet they have no problem eating hotel breakfast.
One of them is eating sausage and another one just put artificial sweetener in their coffee. This is wildly entertaining.
Sep 5, 2021 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
THREAD:
My birthday is September 11th.
It used to be the day of the year I was most selfish. I spent it wanting everyone to make their life about me. But then, on my 22nd birthday, I spent the day making sure all of my friends and family were alive.
For the last 20 years, my birthday is the day I think of other people the most. And while I appreciate the kind "happy birthday!" comments, I am hoping that you will help me think of other people this week, too.
Sep 3, 2021 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
THREAD.
I have seen a call on social media for all artists to cancel our Texas shows due to the state's draconian assault on women. While I get the sentiment behind it, I find that to be short-sighted.
You want me to leave Texas during a crisis? What am I, a senator?
Texas is not a red state. It is a blue state that has been gerrymandered.
Aug 23, 2021 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
Buckle up. This is gonna be a fun day.
For anyone new here, hi. I do this sort of thing a lot.
I have a discord server (including a channel for progressive politics) if you wanna join us: discord.gg/pjr8TU4pWX
When I was 15, I was trying to impress a popular kid I knew. I told a terribly sexist street joke I'd heard in hopes that it would help me make a new friend.
A girl overheard it and reamed me for being so ignorant. What stuck with me more is after she walked away, the popular guy I was trying to impress shared her sentiment.
Jan 10, 2021 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
A thread about "Free Speech" from a comedian who makes his living from it.
I have performed over 4,000 times. And every one of those times, my speech has been free, but has had repercussions.
Sometimes, when I get booked for a gig, the booker gives me rules of what I can and can not say. Other times I'm given free reign, but audience members get offended by jokes and complain, potentially costing me the ability to return for another gig. My speech is still free.
Dec 4, 2020 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
Here's a thread of just how badly Donald Trump lost in California.
Joe Biden got 11,109,764 votes just in CA. That is more votes than the TOTAL votes cast for ALL candidates in one presidential election in any other state, in history.
The second most votes ever cast for one presidential candidate in one state in history was 8,753,788. Biden smashed the record by 2,355,976 votes. That was also in California, and also against Trump! Trump has the most AND second most votes cast against him in any state, ever.
Nov 16, 2020 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
Ben Shapiro is 5'4" but lists his height at 5'9".
That makes two places where Ben Shapiro wishes he had five more inches.
The angry Ben Shapiro fans in these comments are hilarious, but not in the way that they are trying to be.
I never understood why you idiots put him on a pedestal, but now I get it. It’s the only way you can see him.
Nov 12, 2020 • 5 tweets • 2 min read
Dear fucking idiots:
When you donate to Trump's "election defense" fund, $0 goes to the fund. Your money gets split between the RNC and Trump's PAC, which he KEEPS. Says so on the website you're donating to. He's robbing you and you're cheering for it.
Of course, you won't believe this is proof. You'd rather let a poor man who claims he's rich steal your money because you so desperately want to believe he cares about you.
Oct 19, 2020 • 13 tweets • 2 min read
Thread:
You need us.
You complain about liberal Hollywood every day. You call us "Commiefornia" and talk about how we're ruining America. But you need us.
You tell us that we should get a real job while you steal your cousin's Netflix password to watch us doing our real jobs.
You tell us our opinions don't matter and then buy your children our posters. You tell us that if we don't like it here, we can leave while you're unable to leave your couch because you're glued to watching us.
Oct 18, 2020 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
Now, the 16 states with the most COVID cases per capita ALL voted red in the 2016 election. The bottom 5 ALL voted blue. But that's probably just a coincidence.
Like when I'm hungry and I eat a sandwich and then I'm not hungry anymore. What a coincidence!
I want to be clear what this tweet means. This is not about governors & policy. This is about who people choose to act. States with the highest % of people who listen to Donald Trump are also the states with the highest % of COVID cases.
