“No spoilers for what’s coming in 2021 but let’s just say that the ability to live through food shortages while remembering to doff your cap and thank the toffs for the privilege will be a definite plus.” And I know. I know I shouldn’t bite. I know this.

But let’s look at these 12 qualities, shall we?

“Applications are now open for anyone who wants to join the People’s Panel of Patriots. Forms must be filled in using green ink or crayons only.” The Daily Express: where nothing says “British values” like calling for purges

Fundamental and very basic question: what happens when some other country breaks international law in a "specific and limited way" when dealing with us? What then? Is our breaking international law okay, but their breaking international law is wrong? Second fundamental question: would it not be quicker and cheaper to just paint "We're fucking untrustworthy shithouses and you'd have to be absolutely fucking crackers to invest or spend any of your money here" in letters 50 feet high on the white cliffs of Dover?

LAST SHITE OF THE PROMS: What, you thought we were done with this? You fools! There’s more! There’s so much more! There’s always more! More! MOOOOOOORE!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa Fuckwit bonus points to Andy there, who’s angry that the entire BBC isn’t slavishly reproducing his views and his views alone because he’s paying his £3 a week as part of the license fee.

Here’s why this harmless thing that might give you a moment’s joy in this poisonous burning infectious hellscape of a planet is actually very problematic thank you very much, part 23,938,838 I’m looking at you, person who watched Iron Man on Disney+ a week ago while eating an entire pipe of salt and vinegar pringles, you feckless BASTARD

Cometh the hour, cometh the Nigel Somewhere in Beijing, flustered aides are crowding around a clearly shaken President Xi Jinping as they consider the enormity of the situation. They have angered Nigel from Cornwall. Truly, they have awoken the sleeping giant.

Just had this pop up on my Facebook memories from 4 years ago and remembering all the people who got in touch to help Derek. So much kindness from people wanting to reach out to a lonely old man. Which launched “Operation: Derek”

I’m 100% certain that any woman who meets these exacting requirements and is lucky enough to score a date will endure at least an hour of scintillating, beery monologue about how the ex is a complete cow who totally turned the weans against him. Followed by half an hour about how he and his mates plan to spend next Saturday guarding a statue to stick it to them fucking woke snowflakes

“Martial law now!” demand Express and Mail readers so aroused at the idea of troops on the streets that their nipples could be used to cut glass. Your regular reminder that historically, whenever there’s been a situation with people being bundled into black vans and carted off by armed thugs, there’s always people like this saying some variation of “If they’ve done nothing wrong they’ve got nothing to be afraid of, Mabel.”

I'm sorry, Britain is the what now? “The most tolerant country in the world.”

Just checked the Pointless Letters archive for any letters tagged #Eurovision Right, let’s have a bit of a look....I apologise in advance, but a short thread follows

“Good news at last for Britain”

Over 26,000 people are dead The bloke on the left is heading up a party and a government that you enthusiastically cheered for, that has spent a decade gutting the NHS and was ridiculously negligent in preparing for this utter disaster

On behalf of my generation - and indeed every generation before and after my own - I say chinny reckon, Barbara. This impressive bit of bullshitting reminds me of an old colleague who once tried to claim - and I swear, ironically enough, that I’m not making this up - that his dad invented gingerbread.

FUCKING GINGERBREAD

Can’t believe that I’m so behind in reading the Express that I missed this article, when one of the columnists of a national newspaper that regularly moans about snowflakes used *an entire page* to throw a complete shit-fit about not getting her coffee served warm enough Personal highlight, where Carole says that the rich tapestry of her life is so rich and so incredible that this sort of thing would ordinarily be so far below her notice as to be barely visible because of the whole richness of the tapestry

It’s almost as if he’s an old Etonian toff who couldn’t give a shiny shite about anyone in those constituencies, has never had to worry about money in his life and will be absolutely untouched by any consequences of the course of action he’s taking. Hmmm. Who’d have thunk it. Still, get Brexit done, eh?

That’s a loaded question right at the end there, Eric.... #logic By Eric’s logic, who would be eligible to serve in the armed forces? Cannibals who happen to be okay with animal abuse?

Boris Johnson’s voting record in government, represented by Gifs of starships: a short thread

It’s just so unfair when people treat you badly based on some aspect of who you are, isn’t it? Assuming that Tories aren’t allies to the LGBT community? How fucking dare they!

“When we were made homeless we went on to live in another house, so these people being shoved into metal boxes that weren’t originally intended for human habitation should shut up and consider themselves lucky.” Never thinking for a minute that a country with its back to the wall, in wartime, was able to manage to house people in actual houses, so maybe there’s something not quite right about a mega rich country, in peacetime, deciding instead to covert METAL BOXES for people to live in.

Watching the events in Parliament over the last few days, I think what has been most instructive is seeing the expressions on the faces of some MPs when they run up against the simple fact that they’re being told “No”. The genuine - and seemingly real - confusion when they don’t immediately get what they want. For some, the barely concealed *rage* that follows it. Not all MPs, but definitely some.

I give it 2 - 3 days tops for Express readers to keep on one-upping their fantasy Brexit leaving night scenarios to the point where Boris Johnson is backflipping onto the Proms stage in a Union Jack onesie while Jacob Rees-Mogg swings on a trapeze tooting “Jerusalem” on a kazoo. Day 5: Dickie Pinwhistle of Nantwich writes in to demand that in addition to all this, Nigel Farage flies a spitfire over Buckingham Palace while two models in Vera Lynn outfits each wank off a Chelsea Pensioner, one at Land’s End and the other at John ‘o Groats.