Thread by @ParisZarcilla

So... I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

Trying to adjust to the catshit crazy reality of going upstairs to grab a jumper but instead finding a cat and 4 kittens. Am I dad now?

Paternal instincts kicking in. Overwhelmed with feels. Don't know how to deal.

Cancelling all my plans. Crawling under the bed to spend the rest of the day with my four new children. #newdad

Cuteness update: I'm dying.

I am living for these babies.
Any work commitments I have are now temporarily on hold. Sorry I'm a dad now.

Just cancelled my order for comics and single malt whiskey. Now buying cat food. This is fatherhood yo! I'm here for this

I feel like the veil of the universe is being lifted slightly. Like, I feel high. Is this what it feels like to have a child? I think I'm falling in love. Fuck.

This is too much. I'm approaching nirvana. I legitimately suffer from anxiety attacks and depression and my capacity to deal with it recently has been waning. The Cat Gods have smiled upon me with benevolence and turned the monsters under my bed into kittens.

Is it unhealthy to get tears on kittens? Is it unhealthy to cry about kittens? Asking for me.

To my cat sons and daughters, I'll be the hero you deserve, but not the one it needs right now (because of mama cat). So I'll hunt for you, because I can afford it. I'll be your silent guardian, your watchful protector. Love, #CatDad

I think I'm living the best day of my life. Wait, no. Actually fuck it yes I am. This is the best :')

Literally re-emerging from underneath the bed. Possibly now as a different person. Reborn as #CatDad. Wiser. Hairy-er. Learning secrets of the universe and life through the unexpected birth of these gaddamn fluff miracles. Praise be to the Cat Gods. Meow

Apologies for the tardy updates. I've been laying next to my children and Cat mama singing in euphoria...

I have run the gamut of human emotion today. Unexpectedly discovered more than kittens but also the hidden depths of my own capacity to love. Cat Twitter, thank you. You've been a wonderful source of support. My brain has divided by 0 so #CatDad must sleep. More tmrw. Much love x

Ohayo gozaimasu! Cat mama has had a rather sleepless night (as have I!) But here are the first family in all their fur glory. Praise be to Bast 🙏

Cat update for those concerned:

Cat Protection have been called and advise: She shouldnt be seperated from her kittens for at least another 6 weeks. So we can't take her to be scanned yet. 

Kittens can't be spayed/neutered for 4 months.

...

Cats CANNOT BE spayed or neutered without owners consent or it's deemed criminal damage! 

...

Have called out to local vets/animal charity to see who can come over to scan her. Unfortuantely no one in the area has a portable scanner... soooo...

Beginning to experience the dread and emotional turmoil of the idea that I might have to give up the fluff blessings at some point. This may be someone's cat and I don't want to take away this joy from anybody. But my dad instincts have kicked in so hard. Fuck. I want this

Right... moral compass ruined. Cat Gods have mercy on my heart.

Listen, I'm sorry I haven't named them yet. Naming them makes it a full on commit. Don't get me wrong I'm here for this queen. But that's giving 100% of my heart and if they have to go that's 100% heartbreak. #CatDad #problems

All hail. Long live this Queen.

I've been meditating on this wonderful but bizarre situation and I've arrived at a place where I'm ready to accept whatever the outcome is. I can only love and care for them now in this moment. I will give them everything they need until they need me no more. All will be good.

Greetings from the pride.

Apologies for the intermittent updates. I'm trying (and failing) to rebalance my life as a human and #CatDad. I know a lot of you have been asking for kitten details. Hang tight it's coming

Coming in at the heaviest is the black and white kitten weighing in at 170g. The Rickon Stark of the babies. Aggressively average, impatient but loveable.

Lvl: 1
HP: 30/30
Attack: 15
Defense: 10
Cuteness: 100+
Sex: Male
Nature: Adamant/Sleepy AF

Tabby. Weighing in at 167g. This is the Lion's pride right here. By far the most aggressive and handsome. Likes to pick fights. The season 1 Jamie Lannister kitten for sure. No signs of incest...yet. Ew

Lvl: 2
HP: 35/35
Attack: 40
Defense: 20
Cuteness: 90
Sex: Male
Nature: Hardy

Spotted tabby. 145g. Bares the markings of his tabbybro but none of the aggression. The smallest yet somehow 1st at the teat and last to go. Definitely a sassy pants. Gotta be Tyrion of house Lanister     

Lvl: 1
HP: 25/25
Attack: 5
Logic: 50
Cuteness: 90
Sex: Male
Nature: Sassy

Black tux. 153g. The only female and future queen. Often kicked off the teat by tabbybro. She slept apart from the fam. Clever and wilful. Fed when the others slept. Independence has made her strong. She now holds her own against tabbybro. No question, this is Lyanna Mormont.

Black Tux Stats:

Lvl: 1
HP: 50/50*
Attack: 10
Defense: 20
Cuteness: 100+*
Sex: Female
Nature: Sass queen

*High HP because she gives me life
*oh my god the yawn

To paraphrase Caitlyn Siehl:

She will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when she leaves you will finally understand, why storms are named after peopl-- cats

Undoubtedly, Daenerys Targaryen.

Lvl: 100
HP: 200/200
Sp. Attack: 250
Sex: female
Nature: Majestic

Cuteness update: making arrangements for my funeral for the day they open their eyes.

Me walking around my neighbourhood sticking up lost and found posters.

We gotchu.

Oow can you fucking not. Please. I really need to get back to work.

Failed at writing today... BECAUSE SHIT. LIKE. THIS. CAN'T HAPPEN WITHOUT ME.

Me: *Sits down to type*

EXT. HOUSE - MIDNIGH--

Me: I need to check on the children.

Have been receiving replies to my missing cat poster. THANKFULLY, none of them match. The Gryffindor in me will do the right thing if and when the time comes. BUT my Slytherin self says "THESE ARE MY GADDAMN CHILDREN NOW YOU S.o.B!"

I'll be fine.

Anyhoo...in other news this kitten is a sausage now.

*dials 999*

999: Emergency Services how can--

Me: Oh god I'm dying! One of my kittens eyes has JUST opened!

999: Sir, we've told you before it's an offence to waste tax payers---

Me: *Sends video*

999: Holy SHIT! HOLD. ON! We're on our way!

Look. At. This. Future Queen. THIS IS MY DAUGHTER. Gurrrl you get all the spotlight today!

Tranquillity goals: Mega belp

I'm at a friend's wedding. Was just talking and bonding with a guest about our love for our new born children. Showed him a picture of my 'kids' and now I'm sitting on my own 🙃

Oh. My. Mog.

Cool. Guess I don't need my right hand anymore.

May you all sleep as deeply and as care free as these majestic little bastards.

*p.s their eyes aren't open yet. Are my kids broken or just lazy af?

I've recently added 999 to my quick dial in case these kittens induce a heart attack from cuteness. Which to be honest I feel has become a very real threat.

Cast thine eyes upon this fluff sausage drunk on milk and belly rubs and let the healing power of this image wash over you.

The seal has BROKEN. And there goes my life for the forseeable future.

Fuck.

LOOK at the universe in their eyes. I'm fucking lost. Time doesn't exist. Who am I?

Aren't I suppose to have my t-shirt off or something when you hold a new born?? Like to establish a connection?

Scratch that. Just Google'd it. That's for HUMAN BABIES ONLY. See what this is fucking doing to me?

Here is one GLORIOUS minute of this comatose sausage getting belly rubs. May it induce high pitched squeals and peace to your day.

Me waking up a 3am and realising it's 3am.

This month it seems I'm set to explore the full spectrum of human emotion. One day it's finding the miracle of new born kittens under your bed and the next it's receiving 3 seperate messages about 3 wonderful people all passing on in the same morning. Time to crawl under the bed.

I've been pondering the brevity and marvels of life. Which is very easy when you're cradling and looking into the eyes of this fragile floof. So, I've decided to write a children's book inspired by this cat saga. Life's too short not to and I really need to write a happy ending.

Have purchased myself a muzzle to protect the kittens strawberry flavoured gummy feet from being eaten. My greatest test is upon me.

To hijack a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote; The creation of a thousand smiles is in one kitten.

Slowly but surely, I'm finding ways to incorporate these beings into my work. You know, bc they haven't taken enough of my waking life. Sometimes I think they're evil. But actually I think they're the best thing that's happened to me. BUT maybe that's what they want me to think..

Medicine for Melancholy (and many other ailments) - Watch once a day to relieve pressure from the crushing reality of everyday life.

WARNING: Side effects include increased temperature of stone cold hearts. May induce involuntary pitch changes to voice.

For those asking, the Queen is doing wonderfully and continues to display high levels of sass.

If it's not already obvious yet, I'm in love and I intend to keep all 5 wonders. Yep, officially gone cray. It's time to admit they've completely changed my life. No one has come fwd to claim her, so I will. Taking her to the vet this week. Chipped or not. Come what may🤞

Patting this milk-drunk child into a sweet and deep coma. Dream well my future curtain destroyer.

My hands have finally found their true purpose. While my right is a teething toy, my left is now a bed.

*Note to self: Need more hands.

Hey y'all, really recommend finding kittens under your bed. I may have learnt more about myself in the past 4 weeks than I have in the past 4 years. I grow as they grow. Stronger. Furrier. Meowier. Long live the brood!

The snowballing of feels have begun. Setting off on the longest and most reluctant journey ever made. Off to the vets to finally get her scanned. Woo! I am SO OK with this.

Vets: Thank you for bringing her in. Take a seat we'll be with you shortly-- Sir, are you ok?

Me:

So many GADdamn dogs here. Suppressing all urges to hiss at them.

Current mood:

This is it....... fuuuuuuuuuck

HOLY FUCKING FUCK. SHE IS NOT CHIPPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#CatDad transformation 100% complete.

Having finally outgrown their jumper drawer, I've had to resort to extreme measures to fortify my entrance. Just set up my first line of cat defence. #LEGO never fails.

Twitter: They're going to scale that pathetic wall you built in minutes.

Me: Pffft... yea I think I know how to fortify my own entrance, thanks. It's inescapable.   

Kittens: Hold my milkbar.

After much consideration, I have followed the advice of The Queen's small council (twitter) and set up an open Gofund me page.

gogetfunding.com/accidental-cat…

The Queen (and her heir) thanks you for your support. All hail. Meow!

I'm astounded and overwhelmed by your generosity and kindness. 'Thank you' is grossly insufficient for the gratitude I have for you all. They are OFFICIALLY living a better life than me and THANKS TO YOU - my room is now THEIR throne room B/C YOU BOUGHT THEM ALL THE THINGS ❤️🙃

Unconventional is what comes to mind when I think of this queen, much like the way she came into my life. So, I'm giving her an unconventional name. I'd like you to meet, Forever. Because her arrival, her presence has changed me... Forever. 

*sorry, awfully cheesy but very true

*Heavy breathing*

Twitter, I'm speechless. X

I found some words...

Thanks for sending all the boxes, Twitter! Best. Present. Ever. Wasn't sure what do with all the stuff inside it tho 🙃

Additional bricks have arrived to help fortify my defences but I fear it's only a matter of time before they breach the walls and find my best shoes to shit in. For now the little terror fluffs are held in and it's thanks to The Nolan Thompson Tamme Fort. But oh how they scheme😒

Some walls are built to divide but this one was built to provide.

*much love to @heyerette @AmyFisherloM @BiblioDiva Miss E Hunter, Kathryn Kalvig, Melanie D Harper, Nickianne Moody and Kerry Siman-Tov

Teaching my boy the good ol' hind leg focus pull. Hopefully I'll be able to bring him out on my shoots to assist. Still got lots to learn but he's showing much promise. #prouddad

Went upstairs to take a writing break... I guess I'm reading another book then.

True fact: "Cats are the only known mammals capable of producing and emitting beams of light" - Albert Einstein

Taking procrastination to new heights by getting lost in the universe in her eyes and encouraging the gentle song of her pur.

I think I need help.

“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”

― Terry Pratchett

Constantly being reminded of the simple lessons in life; Keep it chill, be excellent to each other and stay sassy.

Blep Queen. So jealous of how fast and deeply she can fall asleep. Have to poke her sometimes to make sure she's alive!

His body is growing faster than his head. Just gonna leave this here.

If she's going to blep then it's going to be majestic as fuck. May we all endeavour to look this sassy. I love you, Forever.

Long gone are the days when I used to own a king-sized bed. Born beneath it, the true and rightful owners lay claim to this throne now.

Happy #InternationalCatDay

Getting 3 of my 5 a day.

Epic nap times at the house of Zarcilla. Dream deep my darling fam

When I was younger I often asked my mum who her favourite child was and of course she'd say she loved us all the same which might be true. But since having my own kids (kinda) I now know that she lied to my stupid cherub face. LIED.

I know I shouldn't buuuuut...

I introduced my brother's human kitten to his cousins and it was a meeting of pure spirits. I witnessed the universe re-balance before my very eyes. Blessed be thy mogs.

Yeah... can EVERYONE stop what they're doing please. This is definitely more important than anything you’re doing right now. Thanks.

Here's your Monday reminder to be excellent to each other.

Breakfast, lunch and din dins at Zarcilla's. Open 7 days a week from 9am-7pm.

First day off in a while. I often get pangs of guilt when I take any time off but if my brood have taught me anything, it's to honor the chill.

I think I've just walked in on a secret conversation.

In the countless hours I've spent watching them, it occurs to me that there's not an inch of their being that isn't ever doing what they want to be doing. They are only ever right here, right now. Time doesn't exist, the meowment is all there is.

This was 4 months ago today. Laces have since been chewed, countless sock pairs missing, cashmere jumpers shredded and gaddamn poo streaks on my pillow. HOWEVER, it all pales against their profound beauty and the life lessons I'm taught daily. I can't imagine life without them.

It's official! It's thanks to YOU ALL & the amazing team @CeliaHammond that Forever & her brood have now been chipped, vaccinated and neutered. Please help them continue their amazing and vital work providing care for ferals and strays. Thank you so much! cafdonate.cafonline.org/69#/DonationDe…

Sometimes the antidote to depression is just a video of sleeping floof sausages. May the cat gods smile upon you with benevolence & turn the monsters under your bed into kittens. Especially sleepy ones because OH MY FUCKING MOG. Take that depression you PoS! #WorldMentalHealthDay

"ALL HAIL! THE GREATEST OF CAT DADS!" - meowed no one.

Lal. I am but a grateful servant. FYI, Forever and the kids have made a full recovery and are doing great :)

Say hello to Machiavelli AKA Mac. Leader of his siblings. Mischief maker and destroyer of delicate things. Was known to kick the others off the teat. Still greedy, even eats Forever's food. 100% belongs to House Slytherin. I love him.

Lvl: 20
HP: 100/100
Attack: 80
Defense: 50

I'd like you to meet Pancake AKA Bijou. The purriest and furriest. A serial snuggler. Can often be found sleeping ON his siblings. He's the embodiment of chill and affection. Incredibly tolerant. A true Hufflepuff.

Lvl: 20
HP: 200/200
Attack: 10
Defense: 100

This is Ronin. Reigning champion of my heart and the biggest *PLOT TWIST* of the year - My sweet princess is in fact my sweet PRINCE. 🤯 *more on that later. He's my spirit animal and connection to the universe. Griffindor FTW!

Lvl: 20
HP: 100/100
Attack: 40
Sp Def: Mirage

Unpredictable, slow to warm and fiercely independent. Meet, Tomorrow AKA Dobby. Also, the latest member to join the *PLOT TWIST* club. He went from goblin prince to future QUEEN. Guurl! She doesn't do cuddles but when she does, it's all the feels 😌

Whether you're starting or ending your day, here's a reminder of the importance of spooning 🥄The end.

Here's Dobby just casually pausing space and time while catching some rays. Happy #Caturday

“Live as if you were to die TOMORROW. Learn as if you were to live FOREVER.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

When you open your phone camera to take a pic but it's on selfie mode.

Couldn't have a Christmas tree this year because cats. So I've attacked their cat tree with tinsel. We'll see how long this lasts. #caturday

And here are the 4 reasons I can no longer have Christmas lights 🙃

Merriest Christmas one and all! If you don't have a fireplace to gaze into, warm yourself with a clip of Pancake approaching zen.

Just out here, looking majestic af.

*sexy voice* heeey

Peak procrastination is teaching your children Harry Potter spells and how to act like a dog.

Ahh looking back on the good old days when Pancake was a gerbil. Haha oow look at those pygmy legs! *crying*

*typing with one hand* Dear clients, I'm afraid I'll be unable to fulfil my EOP deadlines as I've been operating 50% slower with all work commitments. Sorry. Not my fault.

I became a sofa today. And I'm ok with this.

My morning view :) Finally, a day with nothing to do but roll around with the kids. Carpe-ing the diem!

A Sunday kind of love at the house of Zarcilla.

This chonky boi enjoying his day :) Hoping you all get to eat your body weight in pancakes today 🥞🥞🥞

Hail! Forever of the House Zarcilla, First of Her Name, The Sassiest, Queen of the beds above and below, Warmer of cold hearts, Breaker of Cups and Mother of The Brood. Come forth and bend the knee (to give her treats)! Happy #MothersDay

Here's me and my boy Ronin, gently and lovingly reenacting THAT scene from Alien.

*typing*

INT. DAVID'S BEDROOM - MORNING

It's a new day, same shit. Rinse and repeajlkjhhhhhhhhhhhhhjhljkh;;;;;;;;'l;k'-]i##;

ME: Mac! Get. Down!

And here are 4 occasions where I've had to cancel my plans.

A dude I met yesterday said that bEinG a cAtDaD dOeSnT mAkE yOu a ReAl dAd. K, thanks

FYI Dickbag, I feed my kids 3x a day, empty their poop trays twice daily, take extra jobs to support them, and tell them I love them and to be good whenever I leave the house. So.. fuck off. Ta

The conduit to the universe are cats. They hold a galaxy in their eyes. Whether you want it or not, they part with age old wisdom every day. You just have to look and listen. Today and every day, the lesson is love. X

Took a nap alone. Woke up, together. Happy Sunday 🙃♥️🙂

Almost a year to the day they were born and I'm still finding cats under my bed 🤷‍♂️ ...and long may it continue :")

One whole year ago, I caught a glimpse of the universe when 5 furry beings arrived under my bed. Life changed Forever. They teach me daily, save me daily. I grow as they grow. Stronger. Furrier. Meowier.
Happiest birthday my fam. Long live the brood!

Basic Cat Math 101: Here is an example of aCUTE triangle made up from the cutest angles.

My favourite kind of sandwich 🙃

The face Mac gives me when I tell him to put his toys away and do his homework.

Just thought I'd update you guys on Ronin's response to share a KINGSIZED bed. *Pancake is sad and is now recovering on my lap

Just found a picture of a time when Pancake made me spill a glass of wine on a mattress and then made him sit on said mattress to think about his life choices. (He has his arm crossed)

Shhh shh sh... We Are Your Gods Now

Happy Birthday my fam. I love you more than you'll ever know. You've brought so much light to my life. You have me forever. X #Caturday #TwoYears