Today in vulnerable sharing:
It's hard to know how I feel about my wedding, as a nonbinary person. Not the "getting married" or the "Stacia" part but the "What am I?" part, the "How do I relate?" part.
I'm not really a bride.
I'm definitely not a groom.
So what am I? Who am I?
The last time I got married, I felt very solidly like a bride in a white dress. I was, in fact, a bride in a white dress.
Now, it's a second wedding. It's a different kind of commitment and different kind of connection/path.
And I'm a different kind of person.
I'm neither the blushing bride looking adoringly at my knight in shining armor, nor the stoic groom becoming family patriarch. I'm just a human who is getting married.
And that sounds so easy, doesn't it?
Instead, it's so hard.
It's hard because I don't know what I want to wear (not a dress, though).
I don't know what kind of attention I want (I don't *want* to be a *bride*).
I want to defer to my female, cis partner's ideas on decor and whatnot because she's so much better at it than I am.
And though I have BEEN *queer married* before, and at that time I wrote my whole own ceremony word for word (which I'll likely do again) and found ways to make it "us" instead of "traditional," now that I identify as NB I'm finding that I'm struggling to relate to the process.
It's evoking a lot of heavily gendered feelings and types of guilt and loss and loneliness within myself.
I'm happy as hell to marry Stacia. Really.
I just don't know who she's marrying back.
What she's marrying.
And before the comments flow in with "You're a person! Full & complete! Worthy!" I'll tell you this: I KNOW THAT.
I'm just trying to give space and voice to these new and strange types of anxieties: being sorta genderless as one approaches a wedding, a 2nd queer marriage, loss.
I really am happy. I really am in love.
And I really don't know what the hell I think of my body or my gender or why I wish I had one that was more defined, or why it matters to me as I approach my wedding more than it usually does.
That's all. That's it. That's the tweet(s).
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