I had my weekend all planned out: When I was done at the office, it was already 8pm, I drove down to Shoprite to get groceries for a lovely weekend of
"Hello" I spoke into the phone
"Chief, what's good, are you ready?" he asked.
"Ready?" I asked, because I didn't understand.
"Yes na, today is Miri's birthday bash... Wait, you mean you forgot again?" my friend asked. I was screwed, I had completely forgotten.
"Hello Cheifo, how far, should I come pick you?" he asked
"Okay, shey you'll pick me then?" he asked
"Make you come vomit for my motor like the last time, No Sir!"
"You no dey even forget something sef" My friend added.
"Guy, bye!" I retorted.
I got to the club, got in and it was full, the DJ was doing his stuff, the ones who had eaten well were rocking the dancefloor, the slay Kings and
"Hello" I said
"Don't tell me you went back home, you know it's not safe" I looked at my phone, that was Miri's voice.
"What do you care?" I asked
"Where are you? We need to talk & this place is noisy"
"I'm at the car park" I answered.
"Okay dear, I'm coming out now" She said, as she hung up. I stepped out of the car and sat on the bonnet, a million
"Hi" I said, trying to be as casual as possible
"Hi? After all these years, it's just a hi? No hug, just hi?" My mouth
"I thought you were a Spartan enjoying the cold" she said. I was silent.
"If you give me the silent treatment again, I'll just go back inside" She added
"So are you ready to talk?"
"Okay then, bye" She said as she stepped out of the car. Ordinarily I would have gone said something or made a move, but I didn't budge or say anything. About 5 minutes later she was back again, she got into the back seat with me
"I'm sorry for being a bitch"
"Hey Brown Sugar, I'm sorry too, I guess we both overreacted" I said
"No you didn't, you didn't deserve the cold treatment from me, you've been nothing but a good friend to me, you know, I stepped out of the club and no one noticed, no one came out to check if
"It's okay dear" I said as I hugged her
"I missed you"
"If I were a vampire, I would bite you at this spot and transform you into one" I said, and she chuckled, how I missed that chuckle.
"And if I became a vampire, I would do this" She said, and the action that
"Brown Sugar" I called
"Yes dear" She responded
"I want this as much as you do,
"Awwn, aren't you such a sweetheart, you're right, so ask me to be your girlfriend now so we can just continue from there" She said, I turned the light on to see her face
"Let me go back inside, I'll be at your place later in the day, we have a lot of catching up to do" she said, as she adjusted her dress and stepped out of the car. I watched her leave and smiled, boom! Jackpot!
"You know him?" Her humper asked
"No.. Yes, Yes... He's He's my colleague" Madam HR the humpee replied. I chuckled as a title played in my mind "Escapades of a humper and humpee" I turned and made for the club, I looked back again to be sure I was sane and hadn't imagined
"Can you imagine? I told Mom I was coming to see you, and she said she's glad my senses had come back" Miri said
"Bless her sweet soul, I miss my number 1 fan" I teased
"Errr no, not you, your Mom is my number 1 fan, always taking my side"
"Will you marry her, and be my step dad then?"
"If she'll agree"
"Okay let me call her to let her know" Miri actually called her Mom and told her and I had to speak with her. Sweet!!!
"how 'bout we begin a journey?" I asked
"If the journey is not to the great beyond, I'm in"
"Miri, do you love me enough to start this journey with me?"
"Bros, let me help you, will you be my boyfriend to have and to hold?" She teased. I knelt down and asked
"Miri, will you marry me... Well we can always drive out to shop for the ring" Tears
"Miri, I've been meaning to ask you why you didn't believe I knew nothing about that cheat?"
"I love you boo" she said
"You said you had gist for me" She said
"Oh yes, you won't believe what happened after you left the car at the club"
"What, what, tell me please"
"A lady and a man did the do on my bonnet"
"No I'm not, I saw it all" I replied
"Oh well, it's not new, it's nothing really"
"Oh no, it's something, they disrespected my car"
"awwn, sorry, poor car, oya give me another gist"
"The lady that was getting banged is the head HR at work"
"No I'm not, I'm dead serious" I answered
"wow now that's hot gist" She replied
"I had it on video"
"You perv! Let me see"
"You know you become a perv like me if you see"
"Baby I am anything you are, perv or not, now show me the vid"
"Damn! Baby you will hump me this way... Saint Anthony of Padua! We can clearly see the bumbum from the front, that's massive, see her booby ooo baby" She commented, and all I could do was roll with laughter. Then
"Oh my God, oh my God!" She exclaimed
"Baby I know who she is, she's a Sister to the cheat I almost married, she was the one who introduced me to her brother. She's a nymph and she's very sneaky too, be very wary of her dear" Miri said. Another puzzle solved, after putting two and two
"everyone here is not your friend, someone here wants you out, you're smart, I know you already know who, be careful"
"Hello, please come to my office now, I was fixing reports when the system went off..."
"Boo, humpee just called me now to come fix her system"
"I told ya, she's sneaky, she wants to put you in a fix, if you do not honor the request, then queries. If you honor her request it could be a trap, what will you do?"
"Babe, please be careful, have you written that letter?" she asked
"Yeah" I answered
"That's my baby, okay, don't cut the call, start recording the call and use an earpiece, then go see humpee" You see, having a beautiful babe is one thing,
"looking for me?" Madam HR
"Oh, I peeked in and didn't see anyone" I said, as I held the door open for her to get in first.
"I like your scent, what perfume is that?" She asked
"Thank you, so what happened to your system?" I looked at the system, and as I suspected,
"Your system is fine Madam" I said and made to leave.
"You IT people and your ways, what did you do?"
"A magician never reveals the secret of his trade"
"oh really? Does the magician reveal any secret at all?" She asked. I didn't need a special training to understand what she meant.
"Yes he does, to his protege" for a while,
"so it's Friday night, any plans? Wanna hang out? my place, your place or someplace else" She asked, I didn't see it coming.
"I'll be at my fiancée" I said
"You liar!" Miri said in my earpiece
"Oh you're engaged"
"Invite her over for a threesome" Miri said through the earpiece with a chuckle.
"Yeah I am" I responded to Madam HR
"Well, you're not married yet, we can still have good times before you finally settle down"
"What! The twat is making a pass at my man" Miri said.
"Madam HR, you're a fine woman, but I No"
"You want to throw my offer away? You don't want to have a taste of this stewed jollof?" she said, as she grabbed her boobs seductively.
"Good night Madam HR"
"Babe, is that your heartbeat I'm hearing" Miri asked. I laughed
I left the office complex
"See, I don't even know why I'm being nice to you, no one will ever believe you"
"What are you doing here?" The MD asked
"Routine checks to make sure computers are off" I answered
"I won, I frustrated you out"
Miri & I got married that weekend, and the following week, we were off to Canada, not just for our honeymoon, but we were starting a new life there. Prior to my resignation,
Well, I learned she resigned the next day, whatever happened to her after, we don't know and we don't care.