Thread by @peero007

Sleepy eyed and murmuring at the disturbance of what was a beautiful and dreamless deep sleep, I reached for my phone to see what the buzz was about.
I looked at the time "12:13am", tossed the phone aside, adjusted my pillows and changed my position. Few seconds later, I jumped

from the bed and looked for the phone under the duvet. What happened? Well, there was a lag in my processing the contents of my phone's notifications, and thus, an email was missed. Anyway, as I was about to sleep again, it hit me that one of the contents of the notifications was

an email from a company where I had been interviewed a week ago.
I retrieved my phone and alas! the email wasn't a figment of my sleepy imagination - I got the job!!!
I couldn't contain my happiness, but then, being somewhat of a loner, I didn't really have anyone to share the

good news with. I thought about my loneliness briefly, but the joy about the new job chased the thought away "New job, new people, new interactions, new relationships. Booya!!!"
Elated and with sleep gone, I stepped out of bed and screamed "Woooooooow! I feel good", while doing

the James Brown dance. I felt I needed to celebrate my win, but then again, I didn’t know how I was going to. "take yourself to the movies tomorrow" I told myself "Nah! I.T. people don't go to the movies, we download or stream" I answered myself.

"Alright, how 'bout going shopping for new and bespoke office wears?" I asked myself - "But I can just contact one of the vendors on Twitter and have them delivered to me at home" I answered myself again. I remembered I had seen something on Twitter about a social event that

people always talked about. "Yes! It's even tomorrow. That's my celebration, who knows, I could meet one of the fine ladies of Twitter at the event" I thought to myself.
I made the necessary payment for the event, made myself a warm glass of milk and honey, went back to bed and

slept off like a peaceful baby.
Morning came, and I went through my phone again to be certain I had seen and read right.
As I went through my morning routine of working out and saying my daily affirmations, I wondered whether to drive myself to the social event or just use a

ride-sharing service, and then finally settled for driving myself.
I got to the venue, found a place to park and while trying to get myself prepared to face total strangers, I saw a car backing into mine, and honked to alert the driver. I thought the driver had taken notice, till

I heard a bang, looked up and saw the same car had reversed into mine.
Quickly, I stepped out of mine to inspect the damage, & saw my bumper guard had done damage, not to my car, but to the other car. The owner of the car stepped out.
"Why didn't you let me know I was too close?"

A pretty lady asked agitatedly.
"Excuse you? You didn't hear the incessant honks the first time?" I asked.
"Now look at this damage!" She fumed. I was about to get livid and lose my cool, but I remembered I had just gotten an awesome job, and I was there to celebrate, so I locked

my car and just walked away.
"What kind of useless bumper guard is this sef? Hey Mister, see my car now" She yelled, but I was not going to let the devil into my heart. As I walked into the venue I wondered how and why there were humans like that lady in this world- I mean, she

was the offender in this case, and she was making it seem like my stationary car and innocent bumper guard did the running into her car. She could have just apologized and I would have referred her to my awesome panel beater to get her car fixed.

The event wasn't bad, even though I was punching my keypad most of the time, it still wasn't bad. I scanned the perimeter for any pretty lady that looked like we could vibe from a "hi", and then my eyes picked out my car basher from earlier "hell no! Hell no!!" I told myself and

looked away, but not before she looked at me with what looked like indignation in her eyes. At the end of the event, I strolled to the parking lot, and standing right beside my car was the same car basher.
"Do you know you're wicked?" She asked.
"Excuse you? What?!" I amswered

"You heard me correctly. You're a wicked man! A crash happened and you just walked away" She answered.
"Okay I don't have time for this or for you or for your trouble, so this conversation is over. Thank you." I said, and opened my car door.
"Why's sorry so difficult to say?" She

asked.
"I don't think I understand the dynamics of this. So you backed into my stationary vehicle, and I should be the one to tell you sorry for backing into my stationary vehicle?" I asked, feeling livid and amused at the same time.

"You need not emphasize the stationary, it was your fault. You could have honked like you did the first time. You need to respect the fact that I am a lady" She answered.

"What nonsense are you saying? Because I'm playing it cool? Does been a lady excuse your carelessness?"

I asked.
"Do not talk to me disrespectfully. I demand an apology" She said.
"For what exactly?" I asked
"You caused the damage" She answered.
"What da hell? Why am I even giving you any form of attention? Please be gone." I said, got into my car, and drove off.

As I drove back home, I thought about the encounter with the lady and felt nothing but disgust at how one person could be so entitled, insensitive, inconsiderate, and rude "God forbid bad thing" I hissed "What if my own vehicle had gotten damaged sef. Bad market!" I thought.

The day came and I resumed at my new job.
"So, here's your office, I believe you're familiar with these systems, that's the server room. I love your suit. Anyway that's it" a rather cheerful HR personnel said.
"Oh! Thank you" I answered.
"If you need anything, just locate me"

She added.
"Noted" I answered with a smile. In all my life, I had never met a nice and cheerful HR personnel.
"And here's your CUG phone. I know it's gonna be a hotline soon" the rather chatty HR personnel said.
"Oh well, I was employed to work, and work I will" I replied

"That's the spirit! My man!" She answered with a fist bump. For the fact that she wasn't behaving like the stereotypical HR personnel, I liked her already.
"My HR" I returned the fist bump gesture.
"You ain't never seen an HR like me. Anyway, I'm your plug for anything here" She

said, winked, and walked out. It was difficult to believe that was HR, because I had never met a nice HR in my life.
Without further ado, I set to work checking the servers, updates, routers, frameworks, and other I.T. paraphernalia.
I worked for a week, and enjoyed every bit of

it, everyone wanted to be friends with the cool IT guy, and it felt so awesome, until the Monday of the next week when I was called to the office of a manager that just returned from her leave. I knocked on the door-
"come in" a voice said. I stepped in closed the door, & turned

to face the manager.
"Good morning" I greeted.
"Morning, see I don't know what you people are always doing to this computer, my keyboard is not working" The lady said without looking voice. My heart skipped several beats, because it felt like the voice and tone was familiar.

"Okay, I'm new here, but mind if I check it?" I asked. She looked up at me.
"You're the new guy? Wait! don't I know you?" She asked, taking her glasses off to look at me. I felt a churning in my stomach, as I remembered her - the car basher!
"Your keyboard's cable was out" I said

and turned to leave.
"I know you. I'm still trying to place where. Anyway, how did the cable come off?" She asked. I shook my head and did all I could to hide my anger, as memories from that day came rushing back.
"Because you may have pulled it off mistakenly" I answered.
"No"

she said.
"No? What's No?" I asked.
"I couldn't have pulled the keyboard out, so don't make it look like I have a fault here" she added. I stood there for some seconds and had different dark thoughts going on in my head about possible evils I could do to her.

"oh! Maybe it's the cleaners then" I answered as coolly as possible.
"That's better. Do you know me?" She asked. "No, and I do not want to ever know you" was the answer at the tip of my tongue, but instead I pulled my phone out and feigned a call
"HR... Oh, yeah? Oh I'm.."

I walked out of the manager's office, and intended to go straight to my office to ask myself if I really needed the job, but for some strange reason, I went to the HR office and found the ever happy and nice HR personnel.
"Uncle IT, what can I do you for?" She asked
"Do me?"

I asked.
"You didn't get it? Did you watch prison break? Tbag? I think he asked what can I do you for in a scene...." She was saying.
"You didn't listen to PSquare? Do Me? I think they sang that" I teased
"oh wow! I see what you did there. Nice one" She replied with chuckles.

"So I came to ask about someone" I said.
"We don't condone office romance, yet our toilets keep getting clogged with condoms. So who's this someone?" She asked. I was so tempted to ask if she was really HR.
"The woman in..." I had barely finished when car basher barged in.

"speak of the devil" I thought to myself.
"Oh you really came here" She said and stepped out again.
"Mad person" the HR personnel muttered.
"That's the someone" I said.
"She has served you?" She asked
"It's a long story" I said.
"I'll buy you lunch for the long story. Deal?" she

asked. I looked at her again and more than ever, I wanted to really ask why she was a totally different HR personnel from the others I had encountered.
"Alright, we have a deal" I said with a smile.
"Cool. Meanwhile, as much as possible, avoid her, she does foolish stuff always"

The HR personnel added.
"Noted" I answered and left her office.
At lunch, I narrated my ordeal with car basher at the parking lot and her office.
"it all makes sense now! She came to check that you didn't fake the call. That's another lesson; avoid her, but be one step ahead"

The HR personnel advised.
"Yeah, so what's your name?" I asked
"Finally he asked my name! It's Antonella, I know you'll convert to shortcut and call me Ella- I don't mind that either" she explained.
"Cool! How are you HR and so cool?" I asked

"Wait! You think I'm cool?" She asked.
"uhmm! Yeah, I've never met a nice HR in my life" I answered.
"Wow! Thank you, this means a lot to me Uncle I.T. Your lunch for two days is on me" Ella said
"No, your lunch for the rest of the week is on me for being a different HR Aunty"

"Wow! Free food! Woohoo!" She said as she did a Brazilian dance move on her sit. She took her glasses off, and I realized she was even more beautiful than I thought.
"Wow!" I exclaimed.
"I'm pretty too, yeah? I know I know" She added with a warm smile. "No office romance bro"

I told myself in my head.
"So back to my question. Why are you different?" I asked.
"Well, HR people have been stereotyped for so long, and ermm I want to change that narrative" Ella answered.
"hmmm! I feel like I'll come tomorrow and they'll say you're in welfare or CRM"

"Bring your ear, let me whisper something" She said, and I bent forward.
"as long as you don't bite my ear off" I teased.
"it looks like ponmo anyways. So I'm a psychologist that went into CRM, and took professional courses in HR" She whispered.
"Ohhh I see, it all adds up now"

I said.
"Interestingly, you're like the only one to see I'm not the devil, I have tried to make the others see I'm a different breed of HR, but they have decided to stick to the stereotyped narrative" She explained.
"Just be you, the world will conform" I said with a smile.

"Uncle I.T. You really do not strike me as one who should be here, from your SUV, to your shoes, your outfit, wristwatch, glass frames, the area you stay. I have this feeling you're not really here for the money. You probably miss the office adventure" She said.
"Wow! Wow!!"

"Remember I am a trained and licensed psychologist. I read patterns, and pay attention to details" She added.
"Why aren't you practicing?" I asked, trying to shift the spotlight away from me.
"I see what you're trying to do, anyway, it's a long story." She answered.
"Oh okay"

"Meanwhile, your friend is about to come crash the party" She said, as she checked her watch.
"My friend, who..." I had barely finished asking when car basher stepped in, and I instantly understood what Ella said.
"Watch how people start leaving in T minus 5-4-3-2-1-0" Ella added

First there was a hush, and then within seconds, the cafe was almost empty.
"She's not bothered?" I asked
"She calls herself an alpha female, and I have no idea what that means, because she has no pack she's leading" Ella answered. I laughed out loud.
"Laugh quietly Uncle I.T."

"Hey you! computer guy" car basher called out.
"Your friend needs you, I'm out. Give me the gist" Ella whispered as she got up and left. I acted like I didn't hear the call.
"New employee, I'm talking to you" She called out again. I resisted the urge to just get up and leave.

"Hello, what can I do for you?" I asked, not bothered about my look of displeasure.
"What's that look on your face? I know you, what church do you attend? She asked
"I don't see how that relates to the discharge of my duties here. If you don't mind, I have to get to work now"

I answered and walked away. I heard her say something about impudence and insolence, but I wasn't bothered.
That evening, after ensuring that computers and routers were turned off, and that the server was in good shape, I picked my bag, clocked off, and strolled to my car.

I was opening the door when I heard footsteps and a voice behind me,
"I knew it! I said I knew your face. It's you from that event where your car damaged my ride" She said.
"Please, good evening, I've had a long day, and I'm about to deal with traffic. Good night" I said & got in

"I'm not done talking to you, you disrespectful man." She charged. Pissed was did no justice at describing how I felt at that moment.
"What exactly do you want?" I asked.
"An apology" She answered.
"You're a joker! A clownish joker" I added.
"Do not insult me, I won't take that"

"Insult you? Nah, you're already doing a good job of insulting the ability to reason like a rational human. Thank your stars you didn't damage my car with your careless driving. Nonsense!" I said and revved my engine.
"Your insolence will have you fired here. I assure you" She

added.
"This jibber jabber is over! Now step aside! If you need money to get your car fixed, first accept responsibility for your carelessness, put your nonsense pride aside and humbly beg" I added as I drove off. I looked at her in my rearview, and saw her pacing. "mad person"

I muttered.
Each time I thought about the whole thing, I got really upset, because I could not understand why one person could be so irresponsible and blame others for her carelessness and irresponsibility. One look at Google maps told me I was about to spend a great deal of time

in traffic. I took a detour and thought it best to just eat out, while waiting for the traffic to abate. I was comfortably seated, going through my phone and waiting for my order when I heard that annoying voice again.
"Are you tailing me too?" car basher asked. I looked at her

, shook my head at the fact that she asked the stupidest question ever, & continued with my phone. I wanted to buzz Ella, but remembered I didn't collect her private cell, so I called her CUG line.
"Yo Uncle I.T. I'm not working overtime with you, so it better not be about work"

"hahaha! Okay na, I'll keep my gist then" I said.
"Oh gist! You have my undivided attention kind Sir, out with the gist, will ya" Ella said.
"Text me your private line" I replied.
"I see you don't check your WhatsApp messages" She added.
"I don't unde... Oh my God! That was you?"

I asked.
"Nope, ghosts of girlfriends past or from the future. Bro respond ASAP and drop the gist or get queried" She answered & hung up.
"You're so rude! You do realize I'm your boss?" car basher asked. I looked at her from her head to her toes & laughed.
"My boss? You? Hehehe"

I laughed.
"Wow! You're so mannerless and rude. Who raised you?" She said. "Bro, she's the devil, sent to tempt you and make you fall, don't give in to the temptation" a voice in my head "Nah bro, give it to her hot hot, or this would continue for a pwetty long while" another

voice in my head said.
"You'll find what you're looking for, you'll get what's coming for you, but it won't be from me" I said as calmly as possible, & then turned up the volume of the music in my earpieces. I could see her making agitated gestures but could hear nothing "Bliss!"

I responded to Ella's messages on WhatsApp and narrated what transpired between car basher and I
Ella: welcome! You've just gotten a premium upgrade to join those of us she wants to kick out of the company
Me: She's very mad
Ella: Understatement
Me: How does her boyfriend cope?

Ella: 🤣😂🤣you mean her toys?
Me: Hollup! She has different boy toys? Wawu! 🙆‍♂️
Ella: Oh no 😏 she's attracted to inanimate and electronic willies 🥴
Me: 👀
Ella: For real. It's a long story, and you need to upgrade yo friendship sub before I spill that.
Me: 😏 What's the price?

Ella: Well, let's see how we are after one month 🤷‍♂️
Me: Just one month? I thought you would say a year. 😏
Ella: oh wow! It's like I'm the one meeting you in the friend ship, see me thinking it was the other way round ooo.
Me: 😂🤣😂
Ella: is your car basher friend still there?

Me: She's not my friend 🙄
Ella: Ehn, but is she still there? 😏
Me: The only seat available was opposite me, yes she's here 🤦‍♂️
Ella: Y'all gonna have a nice little impromptu date, shweeeet! 😍
Me: 🤦‍♂️ Ella
Ella: Na my name dear
Me: Have you eaten?
Ella: Yes Zaddy! Talk to her too

Me: Not happening 😑
Ella: Calm down first. You need to know how she thinks, to break free.🤷‍♂️
Me: She doesn't think. 🙄🥴
Ella: Come on. Try it first
Me: What do I get for taking the risk? 🤔
Ella: 🤣 😂 Nothing dear
Me: Case closed.
Ella: Okay Lunch for upper week🙄
Me: No 😑

Ella: What do you want? 🤔
Me: How about a date? 😏
Ella: 🤣😂.... You're kidding right? 👀
Me: Nope 😎
Ella: Wait! How did we get here sef? 🤷‍♀️
Me: Deal or no deal? 🤷‍♂️
Ella: Deal!!! 💃💃💃💃💃
Me: Hold my cup!
Ella: Turn on WhatsApp voice record, I need to know you tried.
Me: 🙄

Ella: Uncle I.T. we need Proof of Work dear, to score that date 😁
Me: Proof of Work? That's crypto lingo, you're a crypto investor? 🤔
Ella: Bros leave story, turn on this thing and get talking na 🤷‍♀️
Me: Okay, hold my cup!
Ella: Been holding it since, I'm getting tired 🥴
Me: 😂

I put a WhatsApp call through to Ella, and when she picked
"My gee! I feel thee live and direct" Ella said through my earpieces
I looked at car basher on the other side of the table, took a deep breath
"damn! That's some deep breath man" Ella said.
I took a sip of my drink and

looked at car basher again "Bro, you're actually on your own here, I'm hibernating" the voice in my head said.
"Need an intro line?" Ella asked. I picked my phone and sent her a text
Me: no I've got this 😎

I looked at car basher again.
"Hey car basher" I said
"Dude!" Ella said

"Talking to me?" Car basher asked.
"Yes" I answered.
"The effrontery, the audacity, the impetus...." She was saying.
"Do you have a name?" I interrupted.
"Let me finish talking. Do not rudely interrupt or.." She was saying
"If you continue like this, you'll lose your beauty"

I interrupted her yet again.
"Shots fired" Ella whispered in my ears.
"What?" Car basher asked.
"Yup, if you continue going off like a machine gun, you'll lose your beauty and age fast" I answered. Interestingly, she went quiet for a while, as if processing what I said

"You're impudent, insolent, rude, and annoying" She said.
"Wooooooosssaaaaaa! Don't do it" Ella said in my ears.
"I could say the same about you, and throw in inconsiderate, insensitive, irrational, and an entitled spoilt child, but I won't tow that line with you. Truce?"

"Dude! Damn! That was several pellets in one shot" Ella said
"You do realize you're talking to a manager at the company you work?" Car basher said.
"If you paid attention to the company where you work, you would realize you're talking to the I.T. manager, but I'm not into titles"

I answered with a smile.
"Shit! Now you're at the top of the list of people she wants out" Ella whispered in my ears.
"Wait! What? How? You shouldn't be there! You don't deserve that role. I'll look into it, best believe I will!" car basher threatened.

"You know, you're picking a fight over nothing really? You were the one that ran into my car and I'm not even taking it up with you. We could be friends & put it all behind us" I said.
"Smooth!" Ella said
"I'll rather die than be friends with you" car basher said. "Die then" was

what I wanted to say.
"Alright then. But please know that if you assault me verbally again over this issue, I have a dash cam recording of you from the moment I honked for you to the moment you ran into my car, and will not hesitate to take it up legally" I said.
"checkmate!"

Ella said.
I noticed car basher's countenance changed after I spoke.
"Oh you think you can threaten me with that? I have lawyers!" she said.
"Threaten you? No! I am a lawyer too and can represent myself, and if I decide not to, I know the best lawyers in the system" I added.

"Uncle I.T. Remind me to go through your C.V. again." Ella whispered.
"So you're a liar too. Wow!" car basher responded.
"I think you need to be taught a lesson or two about taking responsibility for your actions, and not blame anyone or anything for your failures" I said.

"nah! She needs more than 2 lessons" Ella muttered.
My food was served, I texted Ella.
Me: Food is here 🕺
Ella: 😏
Me: Your friend has calmed down.
Ella: Nah, she's gonna ask me to send your CV to her. 🥴
Me: And? 🤔
Ella: Let's just say you have become her major project now

Me: and? 🤔
Ella: She'll go to great lengths to get you into trouble with management. So always make sure you have evidence whenever both of you are involved in anything.🥴
Me: She's that desperate and evil?🤔
Ella: The real Lady Cruella De Vil right there.😏
Me: Thanks.

Ella: 🤷‍♂️
Me: The heads up 😏
Ella: Oh.. Mention it dear 💅
Me: 😂
Ella: Yup! I just gave you classified info.
Me: So we have a date 🕺 🕺 🕺
Ella: 💃💃💃💃
Me: 😂 🤣 Venue?
Ella: 😏I get to pick the venue too?
Me: That's right
Ella: My crib! I cook delicious meals 😋
Me: 👀 crib?

Ella: Oh if you're not comfortable with it, it's cool, we could go someplace else 😉
Me: I would do anything for homemade cooking 🤤... Your place it is!
Ella: My gee 👊
Me: My HR 👊
Ella: Are you eating and texting?
Me: 👀
Ella: 🤦‍♀️ Meals should be respected. Is car basher there?

Me: Yeah, she's glowering at her phone 😏
Ella: Awww poor girl, invite her to join you 😁
Me: 🚶 *Uncle I.T. Left the Chat*
Ella: 🤣😂🤣😂
Me: 🙄
Ella: It's just a "better person" gesture that'll bite her inside and send her psyche into discombobulation.
Me: Dis-what? 🤔

Ella: Never mind, just ask if she wants some.
Me: 🥴
I looked at car basher and the voice in my head said "it will end in tears". I turned on the voice note feature
"Hey, I can place an order for you if you want, as a offering" I said.
"I don't eat with or collect from peasants"

She said. I sent the voice note to Ella and recorded another.
"Hahaha! Do you even know the meaning of the word peasant?" I asked, amusedly.
Ella: wow you offered free food & she called you peasant! 🙆‍♀️
Me: 😂 🤣 I found that funny & asked her if she knew the meaning of the word.

Ella: 🤦‍♀️
After my meal, I sat back for a while and checked Google maps for the traffic situation. I had the option of using alternate routes to avoid the traffic.
"Goodnight manager, I have decided to press charges. I have all the evidence I need. Get your lawyers ready" I said

I could see the color drain from her face and felt some satisfaction, like I had just hit a home run.
I told Ella what I said when I left the diner, & she laughed.
"Wow! You just may be the one person to break her" Ella said.
"Wait till she gets served" I added
"You'll do that?"

Ella asked.
"To add some effect and shake her a bit" I answered.
"And what if she takes you up on the case?" Ella asked.
"Then we meet in court" I answered.
"Was that dash cam part true?" Ella asked.
"Yeah, the world thrives on evidence these days" I answered
"Cool stuff!"

Ella said.
"Never to be caught off guard" I added.
"I love how this thing is playing out sha" Ella said.
"Like a movie, a thriller" I answered.
"So how did you make the switch from law to I.T.?" Ella asked
"It's a pretty long story" I answered.
"We have stories for our date" Ella

added.
"Boom!" I replied.
The Monday of the following week, car basher was served.
"Wow! You went through with it" Ella said over lunch.
"How did you find out? She told you?" I asked.
"Yeah, with puffy eyes and messed up mascara" Ella said.
"Oops!" I answered.
"Oddly satisfying"

Ella added with a smirk.
"Did you take a picture?" I asked.
"I had left her before I remembered" Ella asked her.
"Chucks! Please go back" I said.
"What's the catch?" She asked with a smirk.
"Ermm... Another outdoor date, my treat" I answered.
"Hold my flask! I'll be back" Ella

answered & made to leave.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"To get you your picture of your friend. Shey there's a second date if I pull it off, yeah?" Ella asked.
"I was joking about the picture- well not really joking, but not serious about it either. But date? YES!" I answered.

"Whoop whoop! Now check your WhatsApp or better still, check when you get back to the office" Ella said.
"So you sent it already. You spy!" I added
"With all the spy & crime movies I've watched? I can be a female Jane Bond with ease" said Ella.
"Car basher won't come here today"

I replied.
"Nah, she's too broken by the legal document, plus she knows your lawyer friend & his past cases" Ella added.
"hmmm. Well, she better avoid me for a long while" I said.
"20K, says she'll meet you at the parking lot when you clock off" Ella added
"30K, says she won't"

I responded.
"We have a bet!" Ella said.
"Deal! But how will you know?" I asked.
"Oh! I'm staying back till y'all leave. I want to see this for myself." Ella answered.
"I'll send my account details, because I'm certain I'll win this" I added.
"We shall see" Ella answered.

That evening, after doing my routine checks and ensuring that everything was okay, I picked my bag, locked my office and strolled to the park. I noticed Ella's car parked some distance away, and car basher's beside mine. I checked my phone & saw a text from Ella with her account

details. I laughed at the text and made to open my car door.
"So you really want to take me to court?" A rather low voiced car basher was saying too.
"Well, I made peace offerings, but you opted for insults even when you knew the fault was yours." I explained.
"You're wick..."

She was saying and stopped.
"So, like I said, please get your lawyers ready, you said you know them, and let's meet at court. I have taken the first step, the next move is yours." I said calmly.
"Can we not go to court?" She asked, and I could hear her trying not to cry.

"Nope! You need to be made to realize that you are responsible for your actions, reactions and consequences. Goodnight manager" I said.
"Wait! I'm sorry" She said, wiping tears from her eyes, and looking away.
"Sorry, what?" I asked, pretending not to hear the first time.

"I said I'm sorry" She answered
"For what exactly?" I asked
"Will you accept my apology or not?" She asked with that annoying tone.
"No, it's clear that your apology lacks substance. Goodnight manager" I said.
"Lacks substance? What does that even mean?" She asked
"Court it is"

I said, and started the car.
"You will hear from my lawyers" She yelled.
I wound up and gave her a salute with a smile as I pulled out of the parking lot.
I looked in my rearview and saw Ella pulled out after me. She called me.
"Uncle I.T. your friend is crying oo" She said.

"I'm beginning to think she needs medical help" I answered.
"Medical help?" Ella asked.
"Yeah, mental health help" I replied
"Oh! Yeah, I suggested that to her once, and became her arch enemy" Ella said.
"So, y'all were close before?" I asked.
"My dear, it's a long sad story"

Ella answered.
"Wow! So when are we having version 1 of our date?" I asked.
"How 'bout this weekend?" Ella asked.
"I'm game! Do I need to bring anything along?" I asked
"Well? It's not like I don't have everything for an awesome date, but you may come with a bottle of red wine"

Ella added.
"Sweet! Saturday or Sunday?" I asked.
"Saturday would be better, just in case we get too high, you know how these things happen" Ella explained.
"That's right" I answered.
"This your SUV is for senior men oo, see the brake lights! Uncle I.T." Ella said.

"Hahaha! You're still behind me?" I asked.
"Well, your estate is opposite mine, so I figured I could follow and learn new detours" Ella answered.
"Sweet! What say you we have an SUV race one of these days?" I asked.
"I'm a supercar freak and petrol head. I'm down" Ella answered.

"Wow! What are your other interests?" I asked.
"My interests are vast. If it's interesting, I'm interested, whether it's manly or girly, I do all" Ella answered.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I asked.
"Ohhh is someone falling in love with moi?" Ella teased.
"Just curious" I answered

"It's a complicated situation, I'm in. We'll talk about it at the date" Ella answered.
"So many things to discuss at this date" I said.
"I know right. So what's your next move with car basher?" Ella asked.
"It's her move now. I hope she makes a good move" I answered.

"hmmm. Okay boss, you're going left, I'm heading right. Will buzz you later" Ella said and hung up.
I pulled into my driveway and sat there a while, my thoughts alternating between Ella and car basher, wondering why people could not be as easy going as Ella. The thought of Ella

had me smiling "Bro, remember, no office romance" the voice in my head reminded me again, and that was my cue to step out of the car.

As Ann drove home, she thought about her issue with the new I.T. guy, and wondered why the guy would take the matter to court when it was not his

car that got damaged "I mean, my car was the one that got damaged, he could have honked to alert me, but he didn't, and he couldn't even say sorry, he just walked away. The prick!!!" she cussed, and hit the bumper of the car in front of her.
The owner of the vehicle, a lady,

stepped out of the car.
"Why did you stop? Why did you stop there?" Anna yelled.
"Are you mad? No you are mad! Step out and come and see the damage" the lady retorted.
"It's your fault, you stopped abruptly" Anna said. The lady took out her phone, turned on the video recorder

and began recording.
"So guys, we have been stuck in this traffic for a while, as you can see. Where I was, this lady ran into my car, refused to come out to see the damage. You guys see the damage for yourselves. That's her plate number. You can see her insulting & blaming me"

The lady spoke into the recording.
"Get that thing out my face you moron. Fool! Whore! Useless car that your sugar daddy bought for you. Nonsense! Making noise over small brushing. See I'll sue you if that video gets out" Anna yelled, as the lady continued recording.

The lady got clear shots of Anna her vehicle's number plate, & the damage. She picked her damaged bumper up, put it in her backseat, all the while saying nothing to Anna When the traffic eased off, they drove their separate ways. "No one can ride me in Lagos, we are mad together"

Anna said to herself as she sped off.
When she got home, she kicked her shoes off, poured herself some vodka from her mini bar, took the first swig and carried the bottle to her sofa. "I can't afford to go to court, hell no!" she thought to herself "There must be a way out"

As she took her bath and allowed the cold waters run down her body, a phrase came to her "divide and conquer", and then the word "seduction". She turned the shower off for a moment and pondered.

After the bath, she knew she needed more info about the I.T. guy, and there was only one person she could reach out to.
She picked her phone and dialed the one person she knew could help her at that moment.
"Hello Ella" She said, as Ella picked her phone at the other end

I was trying to study, but my mind kept wandering to Ella, and each time I would smile, because there was this connection I felt with her that I hadn't felt in a long while. My phone buzzed, & it was Ella.
"Yello" I said.
"Dude, car basher just called me now" She replied
"Okay?"

"She wanted me to give her your number & details, I told her she would have to wait till tomorrow, she wanted to start her psycho tantrums, I hung up" Ella explained.
"Oh wow!" I said
"Yeah! Wow! Just tread with caution around her, she can be pretty sneaky when she gets obsessed"

Ella added
"I'll avoid her like a plague, but won't hesitate to put her where she belongs if she misbehaves" I replied.
"My Gee!" Ella added
"Thanks dear. So what are you up to?" I asked
"Just here in an oversized polo, reading a book, watching a movie, & nibbling on cashew nuts"

She answered.
"How are you able to read and watch a movie at the same time?" I asked.
"Let's just say I'm ambidextrous" Ella answered with a chuckle.
"Is that how to use that word?" I asked trying to hold back my laughter.
"Go away you" She answered.
"Thank you Ella" I said.

"For what?" She asked.
"I've not known you for long, but you're so cool, so lovable, so straightforward, so-so.." I was saying
"Pretty, so awesome, so sexy, I know boo, I know, I feel the same way too" She said.
"About me?" I asked.
"Hell No! About myself dear" she answered.

"Damn! That hurt" I teased.
"I know right! But I've got to see those attributes in me and appreciate them when people talk about them you know" She explained
"Oh well, but..." I was saying
"I'm liking you this Uncle I.T." She added
"Sorry, I didn’t get that" I teased

"Oh good for me then. Pip pip cheerio" She said and hung up. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, hands behind my head, thinking about Ella and smiling "Bro, need I remind thee about the office romance policy?" a voice in my head said "nigga hush, that policy ain't shit"

another voice in my head said. I thought about what Ella had said about car basher. I felt she had two options; meet in court or settle out of court. Her personality did not strike me as someone who would risk going to court, considering that she had nothing on the case, while on

the other hand, if she opted for settling out of court, then she would do anything and everything to get her pound of flesh, based on what I had heard about her from Ella "I'm ready for her" I said to myself as I drifted off to the sweet land of sleepville.

Next day came, and I resumed at work as usual. It felt like everyone in the company had one issue with their private laptops, and being the nice guy that I was, I made sure I attended to all of them before lunch. At lunch, Ella and I decided to eat at a cool cafe near the company

"Papi you clean up nice man! Anyway, I saw something very interesting on the internet" Ella said.
"Thank you. Man needs to look good. So what's the gist?" I asked
"Car basher is in big soup, now I don't know whether your pot is bigger, or the other person's own is" Ella said.

"What has she done this time?" I asked.
"Are you on Twitter?" She asked
"Yeah, but I belong to @peero007's clan of E-No-Concern-Me Twitter users" I answered.
"Oh! You follow him too? Cool dude that loves greeting thick, fine and rich Aunties. Text your handle please" She said.

"Alright, so the gist?" I asked.
"Yeah, someone posted a video on this WhatsApp group that I'm on, and when I opened the video, see car basher in her elements" Ella answered.
"Wow! Someone leaked her sex tape?" I asked.
"Who wants to sleep with a mad person? No, let me show you"

Ella showed a video of what transpired between Anna (car basher) and the lady in traffic the previous day.
"Oh no! Hahaha" I laughed.
"She's in trouble" Ella said.
"You see this particular trouble, she's not breaking free from it anytime soon though" I added.

"Yeah! Digital footprints and shit" Ella said.
"More than that, I know the woman, she's an FRSC boss" I added and laughed.
"Haaaa!" Ella exclaimed.
"Exactly!" I said.
"She just threw the little rep she had, out the window, that's if she had any rep at all" I added.
"Damn"

"I was gonna say she will be fine, but I don't know. Have you seen her today?" I asked.
"Yeah! Briefly, she said she was going to request for the files of recent employees." Ella said.
"See, if she asks for my CV, give her, I'm about to be the least of her worries" I added.

"I will, but about being the least of her worries, I think not. Do not be shocked if she blames you for what happened in that video." Ella said.
"Like she blamed me and my bumper guard that day." I said
"And she blamed the woman yesterday. Anna is a troubled blamer" Ella added.

"Oh so her name is Anna. well, I'm ready for her madness, mine is locked up here" I said, pointing at my head.
"I keep attracting mad people" Ella teased.
"Everyone is potentially mad, it's not something you go to learn in school" I answered.
"So I am mad? Wow! Wow!" Ella teased

We finished lunch and headed back to the office.
I was going about my office duties when my phone buzzed with an IM, I saw a WhatsApp message from Ella.
Ella: 🤦‍♀️Dude where are you?
Me: In the office, wagwan? 🤷‍♂️
Ella: You may want to see this premium show outside😁
Me: 🏃 🏃 🏃

I got outside to see the compound teeming with activities.
"Her vehicle papers expired 6 months ago, her driver's license is fake, she has no fire extinguisher and caution sign" I heard an FRSC personnel say.
"And see the way she was behaving in the video" A colleague said.

I moved closer, to get a good view.
"Ah ah ah see this my friend oh" The FRSC boss from the video said to me.
"Madam, Good afternoon" I greeted.
"Good afternoon. Been a while oo, you work here?" She asked.
"Oh yes" I answered.
"I don't understand, you're a lawyer na" She said.

"It's a long but beautiful story" I said with a smile.
"This man was the lawyer that helped me win that big case that year. Good man!" She said.
"I was just doing my job" I answered.
"It's good to see you again, please give me your number or card, you're a VIP" She added.

I retrieved my business card & gave her.
"Here you go" I said.
"Thanks, we have business to discuss, I'll give you a call. Oya we are impounding the car, guys you know what to do" She said to her men
With the flurry of activities going on, Anna was able to sneak away undetected

"Don't worry, she can't hide." the woman said.
When they were done, they left with Anna's car, but without Anna.
I opened my office & stepped in to find Anna on my seat.
"So you went to call the FRSC for me? For what? Because you know someone?" Anna said.
"You're sick" I answered

"Very sick" Ella said as she stepped in after me. Anna was surprised that Ella was there too.
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in your office working?" Anna asked.
"Is this your office and are you working?" Ella asked
"Watch your tone with me Ella" Anna said.

"My dear the video of you displaying your usual bad character is spreading fast on the internet. You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into." Ella added
"So you posted my video on the internet?" Anna said to me.
"Don't be silly, yesterday were you drunk driving as usual?"

Ella asked.
"Don't insult me Ella, I can have you sacked you know" Anna answered.
"So you don't recall running into the FRSC's boss car yesterday night, and calling her whore and all sorts?" I asked.
"I'm pretty sure your phone has missed calls from management that saw the vid"

Ella added.
"But it's all his fault" Anna said, pointing at me.
"Look at your life Anna, there's never a happy moment with you, because your horrible attitude keeps putting you in trouble, and you're so foolish to see" Ella said.
"You're so getting fired. You..." Anna was saying

"Shut up Anna! I am not done talking" Ella said in a commanding, yet dangerously calm voice, that sent Anna bawling.
"Ella, it'll attract people" I said
"I don't care anymore, she needs to be put where she belongs. You have no idea the hell she put me through. Her tears are fake"

"It's all your fault" Anna said to me.
"It's like reality has not touched you yet, but let me lay it out for you. You have a court case with me because of your despicable attitude, you didn't learn from that, you hit an FRSC boss's car, damaged her bumper and insulted her.

If the she decides to take you to court which I'm sure she will, that makes it two cases. You forged your driver's license which is fraud, & your vehicle papers expired 6 months ago, have FRSC and the police to deal with. You have a lot to deal with. Use your head" I said, calmly

"Oh, she has a shit load of cases that you don't know about" Ella added.
"Ella please" Anna wept.
"Consequences for your actions dear. No one to save you this time, you burnt all your bridges" Ella said and left the office.
"I have work to do" I said.
"I-I'm sorry" She muttered

"No you're not. I hope you are after going through all of these, now if you'll excuse me, I have stuff to do" I said.
"What will it take to withdraw your case against me?" Anna asked.
"Get your lawyer or lawyers to win the case" I answered.
"I'm so sorry, please I have no one"

Anna wept and knelt down. "Damn she deserves an oscar" the voice in my head said.
"Madam manager, please leave my office or I'll call security" I said.
"Help me please. I am in huge debts and have no one to go to" she wept.
"Really not my headache, you chose your path" I answered

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking" She said.
"Even now, you're still not thinking" I answered.
"I can't think straight this moment. I wish I had a friend to talk to" She added.
"I could recommend some mental health doctors if you want" I replied. She looked at me, wanted to say

something, but bit her lip instead.
"You know you are preventing me from discharging my duties, yeah?" I asked.
"I need help" She said
"Yup divine and mental help" I answered.
"You think I have mental issues?" She asked.
"If you haven't seem that already, then you're not ready"

I said. Again she wanted to say something but restrained herself by biting her lip.
"Do you have a girlfriend?" Anna asked.
"Yes" I lied. I saw the look of shock on her face.
"Would you treat her the way you're treating me?" She asked. I laughed at the comparison.

"Look, my girlfriend is at the pinnacle of mount everest, and you're at the deepest part of the ocean, and between where you are and where she is are good deeds, good character, good attitude, good behavior, morals, etiquettes, & everything good. You can never get same treatment"

I explained. I could see the look of murderous rage in her eyes, but she was been careful.
"Why do you despise me this much?" she asked.
"Same reason everyone else does" I answered.
"But I can't please everyone" She retorted. I looked at her with intent & thought to strike a deal

"Okay, let's make a deal. Within one minute, give me two people you have pleased, including their contact details, and I'll withdraw my charge against you. Tick-Tock! " I said, with my arms folded.
She got up from my seat, I had security on speed dial.

"It's clear I have no one, but I'm willing to turn a new leaf if you'll let me" She said, as she moved closer, I discretely touched the dial button. A quick glance at my phone showed the call had been picked.
"Anna I would need you to leave my office now, security! Security!"

I shouted without putting the phone to my ear, hoping they would hear my shout over the phone and come. Few seconds later the CSO was there.
"Boss" He greeted.
"Please escort the young lady out of here" I said. The CSO looked from Anna to me and back to Anna.
"Please Ma'am"

The CSO directed her.
"Get your filthy hands off me peasant. Don't forget your place here. I'm your boss" Anna yelled at the CSO.
"Toodles Anna" I said and shut the door after them.
I sat back and just reflected on what happened between the time I stepped out till when Anna left.

I buzzed Ella as I went about my official duties.
"Hey Uncle I.T. Miss me?" She said cheerfully.
"You sound so cheerful, you sound nothing like someone who was about to go ham on another someone" I said.
"Hehehe! You ain't never seen a girl like me" She sang a tune from Aladdin.

"The genie said friend not girl though" I teased.
"At least you know Aladdin. Thank God! So what's the gist?" She asked.
I narrated my ordeal with Anna plus how I had to get the CSO to walk her out of my office.
"I saw through her tears & pleas" I said.
"See why you're my homie!"

Ella said.
"Oh I'm your homie now?" I asked
"From the day I interviewed you" Ella answered.
"You don't say"
"Car basher will visit you at the car park again this evening. Wanna bet again? Meanwhile you still owe me 30K" Ella said.
"I'm not betting oo" I responded, & she laughed

Something about her warm & rich laughter ignited a spark in me, a desire, a longing for a deep emotional connection with that one person that mattered more than anyone else.
"Hey, you there?" She asked.
"Oh, yeah! For a second I got lost in the sweetness of your laughter" I said

"oh! Ah! Uhmm okay that's a first, I didn't see that reply coming ermm, damn! caught me off guard. Phew! Errr talk later! Bye" She said and hung up. "Okay smooth operator, remember it's good friendship first before anything else" the voice in my head reminded me. I continued

working till it was time to clock off for the day and face Lagos roads.
I got to my car and found Anna waiting, just as Ella had predicted. I got a WhatsApp text from Ella
Ella: 😋 I wish you placed another bet. I want to hear the convo, you know what to do 😎
Me: 🤣😂

I called Ella via WhatsApp, and placed my earpieces in my ears.
"I hear thee life and direct" She said into my ears.
"I'm sorry for everything" Anna said.
"She lying" Ella whispered.
"Oh please, you're not, you just want a way out" I answered
"I am, I truly am. I swear I am"

"If she swears, she lying" Ella said.
"Anna I have had a tiring day, good night" I said and entered my car.
"Please, just help me" She pleaded.
"Madam, even if I withdraw my case, you're still neck deep in trouble, you know you evaded arrest today? See, face your kaya" I said.

"Wait! Did she evade arrest or you're putting the fear of God in her?" Ella asked.
"Okay. Okay can I get a ride?" Anna asked.
"God forbid!" I said. Ella could not hold the laughter, and sent a WhatsApp message
Ella: 🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂

I drove away and left Anna standing there. I stopped after some meters and watched her run to meet up. I checked to see that central lock was on, and then wound down a little as she tried to open the passenger door.
"The only favor I can do this one time only, is get you an Uber"

I said.
"Oops! Here I was thinking your mind got soft" Ella said in my ears.
"No thanks" A rather disappointed Anna said. Without a word, I wound up and continued driving.
"Wow! You're the man! Are you single? 'cause I'm so wet right now that I could propose to you now" Ella said

"Wet?" I asked.
"Of all the things I said, that's the only word you picked. Wow!" She answered.
"Wait! I picked it 'cause it felt like the odd word" I countered
"Geek!" Ella said
"I see you didn't give your friend a ride" I said, glancing at my rearview.
"God forbid!" Ella yelled

"Hahaha! Please I'm driving" I said.
"She dare not ask me for a ride, she knows she can't be alone with me in an enclosed space" Ella said.
"Wow! That's deep!" I replied.
"Oh! You have no idea how deep the resentment we have for each other is. That witch showed me hell" Ella said

"Wow! Even if I have to wait a year, you will give the gist" I answered
"Oh well! Let's see how our first date goes. Meanwhile, I heard that FRSC boss speak so highly of you. I'm still trying to figure out why you switched" Ella said.
"I'm still a legal consultant though" I added

"I knew it. Boss! Let me be your P.A." Ella teased.
"Send your C.V. and cover letter" I replied.
"Aye! boss man. Meanwhile this isn't the route we used yesterday" Ella said
"That's right, watch and learn, or do we just face Oworo, and do that race?" I asked
"Oworo to?" Ella asked

"Lekki toll?, then to Abraham Adesanya and back" I said.
"I can feel the adrenaline rush in me man" Ella added. I looked through my rearview at her car behind.
"Let's do this!" I said and revved my engine.
"Hahaha! We know it's a V8 engine, don't oppress us. Not today" Ella said

"Buzz kill!" I said.
"That's right!" Ella respond.
"So you said you're in a complicated relationship, yeah?" I added
"Sadly so.. Car basher is calling me, do I pick?" Ella asked
"Yeah! Hear what she has to say, and give me the gist." I answered.
"The stuff we do for premium gist"

Ella added before hanging up.
I tried to do a mental analysis of how deep in trouble Anna was, and the more I thought about it, the more complicated it seemed. I wondered how someone could be so careless with life, and do nothing but attract trouble wherever she was.

I got home, took a bath, had dinner, and was attending to my emails when a call from Ella came through.
"Yo" I answered
"So, your friend pleaded to get your number" Ella said.
"Anna? Did you give her?" I asked
"No. I said I couldn't share that information without your consent"

Ella answered.
"Wait! Does she think at all?" I asked
"Nope. 'cause if she does, she would be smart to call you on your CUG" Ella answered.
"Exactly!" I said.
"Y'all can sort yourselves out later. So tell me, are you single?" She asked.
"Yes in block letters" I answered

"Single by choice or you're on the lookout?" She asked.
"Taking my time. Anything for me?" I asked.
"Well, ermm! I'm just curious" She answered.
The call lasted for a while, and I kept switching positions from the bed to the floor, from the kitchen to the living room, and back

to the bed.
"Shit! It's already 2am! Uncle I.T. good night. Okay, before the good night, do you think...never mind. See ya tomorrow or today" Ella said.
"Sleep good Ella" I answered
"Cut he call!" Ella said.
"No you cut" I said.
"I called, you should hangup" She added

"Okay we do it together at the countdown from five starting in 5 - 4 - 3..." I was saying.
"No, let me count" Ella said.
"You don't want to sleep" I added
"Starting hang up initiation sequence. Commencing count down in tee minus 5 - 4 - 3..." She was counting when I hung up

A WhatsApp text from Ella came in almost immediately.
Ella: 😭😭you're so rude! 🙄
Me: 😂 🤣 😂 😜😜
Ella: 🙄I'll get my pound of flesh back.
Me: You know that Shakespearean story about the merchant and the pound of flesh? 😏
Ella: Go away! Good night!
Me: 😴 😘🤗
Ella: Leave me

I slept off with the thoughts of Ella guiding me to the blissful realm of pleasant dreams.

Anna sat on the floor of her living room with a decanter of alcohol, as she thought about the events of the day. She picked her phone and saw a backlog of missed calls from the management

and numbers she didn't know, as well as texts and WhatsApp messages. She discovered she was tagged in different group chats, and when she opened some of the messages, they were about the video that had gone viral, and different gossip blogs had carried the story already.

She held her head and wept. She resolved she would never forgive Ella and the I.T. guy, and would do anything to see they got the same humiliation she was getting, however, the only snag was that she had no idea how to go about it, and had no one she could go to for advice.

Anna knew no matter how hard she tried, she could never win at seducing the I.T. guy, so she thought about other ways, and the only option was to set him up. "A setup so grand, he would beg an weep for mercy" she told herself. She thought about pawns she could use, but none came

to mind. Again, she felt frustrated at the fact that her set up plan was so vague and she had no one to turn to for help. The tears came pouring again as she drank straight from the decanter and smashed it at the wall.

"The whole world is against me for being fabulous and awesome! Well screw the world! The world ain't shit! I don't need the world! I don't do shit to please nobody!" She screamed, laughed hysterically, and then wept uncontrollably, till she drifted into drunk sleep.

As I prepared for work the next day, I wondered what drama would play out again at work, & if the drama would involve me. I did a last minute check of my phone before leaving the house & saw texts from Ella
Ella: Hey sleepy head. Good morning🥴 I feel hungover.
Me: Can't relate😎

I got to work and saw Ella's car parked at her usual spot. I clocked in with the biometric scanner, before going to my office.
"Hey boss. Good morning" The CSO greeted.
"Good morning Sir. Thanks for the prompt response yesterday" I answered.

"Ah no! It's our job. About that, I've observed you're a security conscious person. Now I don't know what's going on, but I believe Anna is psychotic and would go to any length to bring her target down. Please pay more attention to your personal safety." He said and stepped out.

I went about my routine morning duties, turning on servers and routers, scanning for bugs, and performing necessary updates. I thought about what the CSO told me and looked up "Psychosis and Neurosis", and from what I read, Ella was indeed displaying signs of psychosis.

At lunch, I told Ella what the CSO told me, and what I read about psychosis.
"She needs help, no doubt, and she's dangerous, extremely dangerous" Ella said.
"How did she get a job here?" I asked.
"Hmmm... Another long and mysterious story" Ella answered.

"When you say extremely dangerous, how extreme?" I asked.
"Murderously extreme" Ella answered. I dropped my fork, sat back and stared at Ella.
"Why hasn't she gotten help?" I asked.
"Many of us have tried, she doesn't want to be helped, she feels she's perfect" Ella answered

"So this is the point where force has to be applied in order to help her?" I asked.
"That's right. I'm hoping this present trouble she's in will take care of her." Ella answered.
"I see three possible moves here" I said.
"Seduction, set up, and elimination" Ella added

"Why are we so alike? The exact three moves in my head" I said.
"Our energies are on the same wavelength, that's why it's so easy to understand each other and vibe" Ella answered with a wink.
"Damn! You're beautiful" I said. She looked up shyly, smiled and looked at her food.

"You sure know how to throw me off balance. Thank you handsome" Ella said.
"It's like car basher skipped work today" I said.
"Nah, she's in her office, she came before everyone else, and does not want to be seen." Ella answered. My phone rang and the caller ID was unknown.

I picked and was silent, till the caller spoke.
"Hello" A female voice said.
"Hello, good afternoon" I greeted.
"The law is that you?" the woman said. I knew who it was.
"Yes Ma'am" I answered
"Oh good. It's the FRSC woman from yesterday". She said.
"I guessed right then" I added

"Are you alone?" She asked.
"Yes I'm alone" I said & Ella understood "smart lady" the voice in my head said.
"Okay, this is confidential, but that your colleague is in more trouble than we thought, she's into drugs, & a friend in intelligence says she's wanted in some countries"

She explained.
"Wow!" I exclaimed.
"Between my encounter with her that night and now, I have gathered a lot of information about her, and they are not good. She was being taken to a mental health facility in Europe, when she escaped and came back here. There's a whole lot more"

She added.
"Oh my! She's a crackhead" I said.
"She's not escaping this time, but you need to be alert and stay safe, she's dangerous. She'll be nabbed soon. Say nothing of this to no one, it's just a heads up for you." she said and hung up.
"What's up?" Ella asked.
"My Office"

I said and stood up to leave.
"I'll join you there soon." Ella said.
I got to my office and found Anna standing by the door.
"Hi" She greeted.
"Hello" I answered
"Before you get all defensive, I just came to tell you my system is hanging and I have work to do" She said.

"Okay Ma'am it would be attended to soon." I said.
Without saying a word, she turned and left. As she walked away, I remembered what the FRSC woman told me, shook my head and stepped into my office.
I sat at my desk and swiveled left and right pondering how to tread, and an idea

played in my head. I was about to call one of the security personnel to follow me to Anna's office, when Ella came to mine.
"Here I am" Ella said.
"There's a lot oo, but I don't trust these walls" I said.
"True, on our way home, or you text it to me" Ella replied
"Sweet" I said

The CSO offered to follow me to Anna's office, and there was that look of disgust on her face when she saw the CSO with me.
"What's he doing here?" She asked.
"His job" I answered.
"Well this isn't his designation. Leave here!" She yelled, but the CSO didn't budge.

I looked at her and shook my head.
I saw some white powdery substance on her nose, and some remnants on her desk. I took out my disposable rubber gloves & wore.
"Niceness attracts people to you, and nastiness puts you in the position you're in right now" I said.
"Face your work"

She snapped. I smiled "it's only for a while" the voice in my head said.
"Turn on the computer" I said.
"Isn't that your duty?" She asked with a saucy tone.
"No it's not. If you won't turn it on, then my work is done here. Let's go" I said to the CSO. There was that look of

murderous rage on her face, but I was way past caring.
"Thank you" I said to the CSO.
"You're welcome boss. Remember what I told you in the morning" He said.
"I'm building on it. Thanks" I replied, and stepped into my office. I hatched a plan in my head, and it looked good to

execute.
That evening, as I walked to my car to begin the journey home, I was expecting to find Anna beside my car as usual, but she wasn't there.
I checked Google maps, and it was red everywhere. Ella called me.
"My Gee, Anna is still in her office" Ella said.
"Weird hmmm"

I answered.
"Did you lock your doors and windows?" Ella asked.
"Yeah I double checked" I answered.
"You should tell security to be really alert till Anna leaves" Ella suggested
"I will... There's traffic everywhere, wanna grab dinner outside while we wait it out?" I asked

"Yasssss!!!" Ella answered.
"Sweet. Got any location?" I asked.
"Follow me and I'll take you to a cool and quiet place where the food is so yum" Ella added.
"After you mi Lady" I answered.
At the gate I told the guards that Anna was still inside, and to make sure she didn't get a

spare key to my office. I gave them a generous tip to keep them motivated.
"Do you have a personal surveillance system for your office?" Ella asked over the phone, as I drove behind her.
"How you think like me is amazing. I have a plan to do that tomorrow" I answered.

"I have night vision infrared cameras at strategic positions in my office" Ella said.
"Wow! gadget freak?" I asked
"Wait till you get to my crib man" Ella answered.
"Awesome!" I said excitedly.
We got to a nice cafe that I had passed a thousand & one times but didn't know it was

that good.
As we waited for our orders to get ready, I told Ella everything the FRSC woman told me about Anna.
"Oh! Wow! That's more info to what I know" Ella said.
"I think she was sniffling in the office today, I saw this white stuff on her nose and desk" I added.
"She's sick"

"She really is, and she has no idea they've opened her file" I said.
"See, she turned on the jukebox, let her dance to the tune. Can we not talk about her, it's tiring" Ella said.
"Why's your relationship complicated?" I asked.
"I saw this one coming, don't ask how" She said.

"So?" I pressed.
"Sometimes I really want a companion, other times I'm like bleh!" She said.
"Does he know?" I asked
"He? Who's he?" She asked
"The one you're in a relationship" I answered.
"Oh! Hahaha! There's no he, I'm in a complicated relationship with myself and my emotions"

Ella said. It felt like a weight was taken off me when she said there was no he "There's hope" the voice in my head said "so no more no to office romance?" another voice in my head asked.
"Awesome!!!" I said.
"You like me, don't you?" Ella asked
"Hell yeah!" I answered.
"Awwn"

Ella had become the only favorite person I had, & each moment we spent together made me like her more, however, I had no intention to rush things, because I had decided that if I was getting involved with love again, I wanted it to be with my best friend.
"Can't wait to host you"

Ella said.
"Can't wait to be hosted" I replied.
"I don't know why I'm so excited about hosting, maybe because I've not let anyone in, in ages" She added.
"Let anyone in?" I asked
"Yeah! My crib has been off limits to everyone for a while now" She answered.

"You strike me as one who would have a lot of friends" I said.
"errr about that, erm a lot of people think me their friend, when I can count my friends on one hand" She explained.
"I can relate. You're so me!" I said excitedly.
"Indoor or outdoor?" She asked

"Well, outdoor's good, but I prefer indoor" I answered.
"Me again. Okay, iOS or Android?" She asked.
"i-what? Android till tomorrow" I answered.
"Me again. Ermm eat fam or fit fam?" she asked
"Eat Fam, we add workout. Loyal to food and Aproko Doctor" I answered.
"Ohh so so me"

We continued the question and answer session, and the time-space continuum had nothing on us at that moment, it felt like we were lost in each other's charm, until a call came through to my phone. I picked it, and it was one of the security guards at work. He said he would show

me the footage of Anna trying to get into my office the next day.
"Anna tried to get into my office" I said to Ella.
"Just as I suspected. So she has struck off seduction and is opting for setup" Ella replied.
"But I'm the least of her worries at this moment, why set me up?"

I asked.
"It's pretty simple, she's psychotic, her life and what she sees as reality is what you and I would term insanity or irrationality. You've become a threat in her reality, and she has made you her priority, and is at the point of making it an obsession" Ella explained

"Okay, if she won't listen to reason, I'll make everything faster and easier for her" I said.
"Ha! We have been here for 3 hours?" Ella pointed at her watch
"No, we only just got here" I said.
"Yeah, 3 hours ago" She teased
"Have we had dinner?" I asked
"Like when did it happen?"

"I thought we were still waiting for dinner" I answered.
"Uncle I.T., let's go. That's how we talked over the phone yesterday till way past midnight" Ella said.
Traffic had abated, and thus, it was a smooth drive home. When I got home, after cleaning up, I went into my den to

retrieve one of my cases of gadgets. So I had ordered different types of surveillance cameras for a reality TV show project that never saw the light of day, and rather than sell or give them away, I kept them.
I picked out the inconspicuous remote surveillance cameras and checked

that they were functional. Satisfied with everything, I put the cameras and cables beside my laptop.
Ella and I exchanged a couple of texts before she went to sleep. As I lay in bed, I thought about Anna and her schemes, and was ready to be several steps ahead of her.

Next day at work, I saw the footage of Anna trying the door to my office with some keys, peeping through the window. I smiled, because the plan I hatched in my head seemed perfect for the situation.
I got into my office and set to work installing the cameras such that were no

blind spots. Satisfied that they were remote cameras that I could control remotely from my phone, I attended to other official matters, as I moved on to the second phase of my plan. As I stepped out of the office to go for lunch, I found Anna approaching my office.

"You're the I.T. person, shouldn't offices have surveillance cameras, or do they have?" Anna asked, and alarms went off in my head. I took out my phone, opened Ella's WhatsApp and touched the voicenote button.
"I don't understand" I answered
"Are there cameras in the offices?"

"Good morning Anna, no, there are no cameras in the offices" I answered.
"Even your office where the server room is?" She asked.
"No cameras" I answered.
"Is that camera even working?" She asked, pointing at the camera outside my office.
"No, it's not" I lied.
"Big security risk"

She added.
"Would that be all?" I asked.
"Can we talk privately?" She asked.
"No, never happening" I answered & walked away. The scowl on her face was an oddly satisfying thing to witness. I sent the voicenote of our conversation to Ella & she replied
Ella: Lunch's getting cold!

Over lunch, I gave Ella sketchy details about my plan.
"Your head is not even big, so we can call you Megamind" Ella teased.
"So you're saying my head is small" I replied.
"Oh yes! It's small and cute, it can comfortably rest on my bo... oops! Sorry" She said and looked down.

"Hey! I want to hear anything you want to say. We are friends, remember?" I said, and rubbed her hand.
"I'm not usually this way, you know like displaying signs of shyness and all that. Since you came, the minions handling my emotions have been high" Ella replied with a smile.

"Is-is that a good thing?" I asked.
"Oh it is! I haven't felt this way in a long while" She whispered.
"Me too" I also whispered.
"Okay! Moving on! Shouldn't you talk to the police about Anna?" Ella asked.
"I'll discuss with that FRSC boss, she knows people" I said
"Yeah! Better"

After lunch, I went back to my office, and was undecided about telling the FRSC woman about my plan. I was going about my official duty when she called me.
"Hello, Good afternoon Ma'am" I greeted.
"The law! Good afternoon. Hope you told no one about that stuff?" She asked
"Oh no"

I answered.
"Good. Something is about to happen, I don't know when, but soon" She said.
"Alright. Is this your private number?" I asked.
"Yes it is" She answered.
"Okay. I may call you soon about this same lady" I said.
"Is anything the matter?" She asked

"Hmmm! Not really, but I have a case against her, but that's not an issue. I'll keep you posted" I said.
"Did she assault you?" She asked
"I'm sorry I can't discuss this now, I don't trust these walls. I'll give you an update pretty soon" I answered.
"Okay! Stay safe & vigilant"

She said, and hung up.
I sat back and pondered. I wrote down the three words seduction, set up, and elimination, I crossed out seduction and looked at the other two words. Clearly, I was her target, and the fact that she was more concerned about me than the trouble she was in

already, corroborated what everyone had said about her not giving up until she brought her target down, without minding anything else. Furthermore, if she failed with the set up, then my life would be in more danger, 'cause frustration could further deepen her desperation

Waiting for due cause to happen and allow the police come in at their time, was a risky move.
I still had 2 uninstalled remote cameras, and found two strategic & inconspicuous points to place them outside the office. Everything in sync and working fine, I went to the CSO to talk.

"Good afternoon Boss" The CSO greeted.
"Good afternoon Sir, how's it going?" I asked.
"Good good. So, she asked one of us, about who keeps the spare keys of the offices" He answered.
"Is there a way she can have access to the keys, such that it won't implicate you guys?" I asked

The CSO could not hold back his surprise.
"You want her to have the spare key? Why would you want that?" he asked.
"I need you to trust me on this, she wants to set me up, and I want to make it easy for her" I answered.
"Are you sure about this?" He asked
"101% sure" I answered.

"Okay, what do you want me to do?" He asked
"She won't come to meet you, so I need you to tell your boys on night duty to release the spare key to my office, if she comes to ask. She's a manager, so she has clearance to request any key." I said.
"What's your plan?" He asked.

"I can't divulge that now. It's best if no one else knows. However, do you know any police squad close by?" I asked.
"Oh Yes! They are my good friends, one call and they'll be here." He answered.
"Lovely. Keep them on speed dial. Thank you. You're a good man." I said & went back

to my office.
That evening, I checked my gadgets to ensure they were functioning properly, and when I was satisfied, I locked the office and went to the car. I got a text from Ella as I approached my car.
Ella: can we have a quick bet that your babe ain't coming out?😏
Me: 😂 🤣

Ella: I don't know why I didn’t think of this earlier. Anyway, let me lead you to another joint today.
Me: After you mi Lady 🙏
I texted back.
I drove behind her as she led the way to another pretty cool diner.
We had dinner, & didn't spend much time there like the previous night

"Do you have Ella's numbers?" I asked.
"Yup! Let me text them to you. Don't worry, I won't ask why you need them, I trust you, and know you'll give me the full gist later." She said.
"You bet I will!" I said.
That night, when I got home, I checked my system to see if the remote

cameras were working, and they were, I could pan, zoom, change direction, etc. "thank God for IoT, Internet of Things saves the day! Whoop whoop!" I said to myself, joyfully.
I picked my phone up and called the FRSC boss.
"Hello, Good evening Ma'am" I greeted.

"Hey! The law, what do you have for me?" She asked.
"So about the lady,..." I explained everything that happened from the day she ran into my car to the previous night where she was trying to get into my office at night.
"Wow! Sicker than I thought" She said.
"Correct" I answered

"I have reasons to believe she wants to set me up, plus my life may be in danger" I said.
"You're right. She has done it before" she added.
"She has?" I asked
"Oh you have no idea" She answered.
"Anyway, since she wants to set me up, I have made it easy by setting a trap" I said

"What's the trap?" She asked.
"I am the trap I answered. Can your people in the police intercept and track calls from specific numbers?" I asked.
"Not a big deal" She said.
"Sweet! So these are her numbers, let's hope she's not smart enough to use a new number and turn these off"

I explained the plan to her, and what I had in place.

It was 8pm, Anna was still in her office, she had finalized her plan to bring the I.T. guy down, and was ready to execute. "No one messes with me, and goes free!" she said, as she sniffed cocaine and threw her head back

as the substance began to take effect.
She took out a gun and placed it on the table, small packs of cocaine and meth, a syringe and tube, and several bundles of fake foreign bundles. Satisfied with the items, she packed them into the backpack, and stepped out of the office with

it. She tiptoed across the compound to the I.T. office, tried the door & saw it was locked.
Anna dropped the bag by the door, and walked briskly to the security post, to ask for the spare key to the office, and the personnel on duty gave her without questions, just as instructed.

I watched on my system as Anna approached my office with a backpack, and then I hit the record button "Let the show begin!" I said to myself. She tried to open the door, but it was locked, so she dropped the backpack at the door & went away. I guessed she went to ask for the key

, because less than 2 minutes later, she came back with a key. "Does the camera have a mic?" the voice in my head asked, I looked at the screen and saw a microphone icon "Woohoo!" I exclaimed joyfully. I could hear everything loud and clear.
"I will teach you a big lesson" Anna

was saying.
"you don't know the bitch you messed with man! You will die in jail or I will kill you myself" Anna muttered, as she opened the office door and stepped in. I switched cameras, and made sure everything was recording fine. I could see her looking around the office.

Anna sat at my desk and pulled out the gun, packs of meth and cocaine, syringe and tubes, the fake bundles of foreign currency, and placed them on my desk. She held the gun, kissed it and said:
"My baby, thank you for the kills, I've got to drop you now, I'll get another"

I gasped, because I had not anticipated she could be armed with a gun. I zoomed in, so the gun could be seen clearly. She kept the gun in a cabinet where softwares were kept, along with the fake notes, syringe and tubes, and the packs of cocaine and meth.
She sat again, took out

a small vial that contained a white powdery substance, and poured it on my desk. She sniffed some and left the rest.
"Bastard! You're going down" She said, laughed, picked her backpack and stepped out of the office.
I saved the recording of the footage, made copies, and uploaded

a copy to my cloud storage. I called the FRSC woman again
"What's the update?" She asked.
"You may need to get the NDLEA involved. Please text me your email address, I have a video to send to you" I said.
I emailed the video to the woman. I texted Ella
Me: Awake? 👀
Ella: 😴 Nope

Me: This gist will expire then. 😏
My phone was ringing, it was Ella.
"You're calling from dreamland?" I asked.
"Well, I figured sleep is for the weak, & I'm no weakling, so here I am, the gist please kind sir" Ella answered.
"Okay, I just sent a Google drive link, it's a video"

"Okay! Seen, downloading, opening the video. Don't hang up oo" She said.
"I'm right here" I answered.
"My God! Wait a minute..that-that gun...oh no, it-it cannot be! So-so it was her" a teary voiced Ella said
"I don't understand, what's up?" I asked.

"That-that gun be-belonged to-to my Dad. It-it wa-was a-a gift, specially designed for-for him, and ha-had our names engraved on-on it" Ella wept.
"Hey! Text your address, I'm coming over" I said.
"No, I'll-I'll be fine, let's talk later please. Don't worry I'm good" Ella said

and hung up. I stared at my phone and thought about the video, Anna, the gun, and the connection with Ella, it felt confusing, but I couldn't afford to lose focus. Even though Anna was not smart, she was still dangerous, and needed to be taken care of without delay.

I sent a text to Ella
Me: Please don't confront Anna or share the video yet, we hope to nab her tomorrow. I'm sorry 🙏
Ella: Boo I understand. Thank you so much, you have no idea what good you've done for me. I'll explain later! 🤗

Anna got home, feeling pleased with the success of the first phase of her plan, she smiled, as she scrolled her phonebook to get the number of the police. "I can't wait to say good riddance to bad rubbish in the face of the fool when they are whisking him away tomorrow" she said

to herself.
"Hello, is that the police?" Anna asked in hushed tones
"Yes, you are unto the DPO" A male voice answered.
"There's a criminal and drug dealer at the company where I work, today I saw a gun and drugs in his office" Anna added.
"Okay! Are you sure?" He asked

"I'm scared for my life, he has been threatening me" Anna said.
"Are you safe where you are now? I hope this news is credible?" He asked
"I'm safe for now, I saw the items this night when I went to turn off the company server, after everyone had gone to work" She answered.

"Okay! I need you to be calm and safe, but we'll need your cooperation to identify him tomorrow. Have you told anyone about this?" He asked.
"No, you're the first person" Anna answered.
"Very good. Keep it between you & us, so he doesn't escape before we nab him, okay?" he asked

"Okay, my life is at risk, I'm shaking from what I saw" Anna lied and smiled.
"Don't worry! Is this your number?" He asked.
"Yes it is" Anna answered.
"Alright keep it on for unhindered correspondence. What's your name?" He asked. She gave her name surname, and her other number

in case one didn't go through. After the call, she drank straight from the bottle of vodka and danced happily "Ella is the next bitch to put away for good. I am Anna and I'm inevitable!!!" she screamed.

I was going through my emails and pondering, when a call from the FRSC woman came through.
"My dear, I have met a lot of crazy and stupid people, but this Anna girl is a whole new level of crazy and stupid. Anyway, she called the DPO, gave her full name, & second number- stupid!"

She said.
"Wow! That's good news! So everything will go as planned?" I asked.
"Oh yes! It has to go as planned, she's getting nabbed tomorrow" The woman said.
"Thank you very much" I answered.
"No, thank you for putting your life in the line and making it easy" She said.

"I need to confirm though, does the DPO know the plan?" I asked.
"Oh yes, he got the info and video before the call came in from Anna" She answered.
"Awesome! Thank you again." I said.

I went to bed a happy man, and could not wait for day to break. I was so eager to see what

would happen.
Finally, morning came, no message from Ella, so I called, but she didn't pick.
I got to work, and Ella's car was not at the usual spot "something's up" the voice in my head said. I sent her a text:
Me: Hey? What's up? Can't see your car. Are you okay?

I wore my rubber gloves and opened my office, I saw everything just as Anna had left them. I stepped out & went to the HR office, but Ella wasn't on seat. As I stepped out into the compound, I saw policemen take their positions.
"Boss, these men say they want to see you" the CSO

said.
"Okay, good morning, how may I help you gentlemen?" I asked with a smile.
"Good morning, are you the I.T. manager here?" One of the men asked
"Yes I am, please, let's go discuss in my office I said" I answered.
"That's better" The man said.
Wearing rubber gloves, they

followed me into the office, and without wasting time, went straight to retrieve the evidences and put them in ziploc bags. I was cuffed lightly and led out of the office.
"Madam Anna, you're safe now, I think we have him, you may come out to identify him now" The man spoke

into his phone. After a while Anna stepped out of the adjoining building, and for the first time since I knew her, I saw a smile play across her face.
"Yessss! That is him! The criminal! Lock him up and let him rot in jail forever or face the firing squad. Evil man she said" Anna

"You are certain this man owns these items?" The cop asked.
"Oh yes. Good riddance to bad rubbish! You'll die there! Fool!" Anna said. I just smiled and shook my head.
"Even if you beg me now, it won't save you..." she was saying when Ella drove in, followed by a black tinted

Range Rover Sport, & two military Hilux with soldiers. People left their offices to come see what was going on.
"Oh Mister I.T. you are in big trouble, even the military is involved..." Anna continued. The cop signalled to some of his men, and they stood behind Anna, he opened

my cuffs.
"You are under arrest Miss Anna...." the cop was saying.
"Hold It! I am Field Marshall Tokunbo of the Nigerian Army" A soldier said, as he stepped out of the Range Rover.
At that point I was confused and had no idea what was going on, I looked at Ella, and then at the

soldiers.
"Wh-what's going on here? Why ar-are hi-his cuffs off. Cuff him, he's a criminal!" Anna yelled.
"Where is the gun?" the field marshall asked. The policemen were not ready to get involved with the fierce looking soldiers. The ziploc bag that was containing the gun was

handed over to the field marshall. He examined the piece in the bag, and then looked up and in a dangerously cool voice said:
"So it's you? You killed my benefactor, his wife and son. The only people who saw potential in me and treated me like I was their son! Cuff this bastard!"

I looked at Ella as she wiped the tears from her eyes, and I was so moved to go take her in my arms and console her, but I still wasn't sure if I was safe or not.
"We are taking her into custody" The cop said.
"No, we take it from here" The field marshall objected. Anna struggled

and wept bitterly as she was cuffed hand and foot.
"I am innocent, he is the criminal" Anna cried. Ella walked up to her and dealt her two hot slaps in quick succession, and then showed her the footage of her planting the items in my office.
"Devil! Liar! Fool!" Anna yelled at me

"Sir..." The cop was saying
"There's no going back, unless you want to come with us. You see that piece, I had it designed specially for her Dad, whom I adopted as my Dad too" The field marshall said, pointing at Ella. I looked at Ella, and she winked at me with that pretty smile

Anna kept yelling and throwing tantrums, quietly I walked up to Ella and hugged her.
"Are they looking at me?" I whispered.
"All the soldiers are looking at you, just stay like this" She whispered.
"Oh dear!" I answered.
"Shush! Stay this way! It feels so good to finally hug you"

Ella whispered.
"Yassssssssss! Wait why are we whispering?" I whispered.
"Shush! 'cause we don't want them to hear- now you're in trouble, the field marshall is right behind you" Ella whispered.
"Oh shit!" I said and turned slowly.
"Uncle I.T. the mastermind" the soldier said

, extending his hand for a handshake, a firm handshake it was.
"You know a confident man by his handshake, and you my friend are a confident man" The soldier said with a smile.
"Thank you Sir" I answered.
"You did well. I heard you're a lawyer too. Brilliant stuff" He said.

"Thank you Sir, so what will happen to Anna?" I asked.
"For years, the police could not unravel our parents' killer, you think I would allow same police mess this up? Hell no! She won't be disturbing anyone anymore, she'll answer to her crimes with the appropriate authorities"

the soldier explained.
"Oh good. Thank you" I said.
"No, thank you, you were the angel sent to solve the mystery. So Ella is my dearest Sister, I need you to be me watching over and protecting her. She likes you a lot, and that's rare" the soldier said and winked at us, as she

held my arm.
Anna's office was searched, and more incriminating items were discovered.
After the soldiers and police left, I wondered why I didn’t see the NDLEA, but then what did it matter anyway.

"So what's management's stance on this? Do they know?" I asked

"Can we just talk about our date tomorrow? & ermm subsequent dates too" Ella asked as she planted a kiss on my cheek.
"I'm never washing this spot again" I teased.
"Yeah! right" She said with a smile.

And thus began the journey into the best relationship of our lives.

THE END

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