so my instinct says, avoid giving ppl recipes, but at least name common pitfalls. lotta people fall in these pits, here's a hazard sign to help you avoid it, and here's a rope ladder to pull yerself out
what's the name for that thing where you learn an abstraction and it makes you intoxicated/ distracted/ overconfident coz you think you understood something but actually you have totally missed the essence of it?
another e.g.: how many groups call themselves non-hierarchical and therefore cannot see the toxicity of their power dynamics
because hey, we chose the One True & Good Abstraction which is a magic amulet against coercion, exclusion, manipulation
if I new the name, I'd be better at spotting it, and better at designing pedagogical methods that avoid the developmental cul de sacs
If you're in a 'teacher' role, how do you approach this challenge?
the last few months I’ve been working with @VividVoid_, training habitual people-pleasers to be more confrontational. it’s been so fascinating to learn the logic of conflict-avoidant people and to find strategies that support them to stand up for themselves
our Fight Wise program is a series of role-play exercises where people practice navigating heated interpersonal scenarios with skill. I observed one particular scene that I want to describe here in detail because it illustrates so much:
Mark is rehearsing a difficult conversation he needs to have with his partner (roleplayed by Jess). he needs to let her know that something about their relationship needs to change. we want him to find that confidence where it feels natural for him to advocate for himself and communicate directly about his needs, boundaries and requests
but all it took to throw him off his game was for Jess to change her body language slightly to show “I’m not receptive to you”. some part of Mark picks up on those nonverbal signals and completely loses track of himself. the confidence evaporates, the clarity is replaced by hedging and compromise
Mark is operating on a logic something like “if I’m always accomodating, we can find a way to get along”. this strategy is certainly effective for maintaining a relationship (either at work or at home), but it comes with psychic damage, it undermines his self-respect, and generates resentment that comes out sideways, as passive aggression or pettiness
I was shocked to see how much power Mark gave to Jess. all she had to do was squint her eyes slightly and scrunch up her forehead and that was enough for him to concede the fight before it had even really started
in the course we go thru repeated cycles of roleplay + reflection:
- before you go into a confrontation: settle yourself & clarify what’s most important for you to communicate
- during: actively regulate your nervous system so you can communicate as directly as possible: “This is what I observed. This is why I can’t accept it. Would you be willing to do XYZ instead?”
- after: settle yourself & reflect on what happened, so you can 1) understand how you habitually respond in moments of interpersonal stress, and 2) get the “update”: what do you want to remember, next time you’re in this situation?
I think we saw the biggest change in Mark when he learned to keep his awareness on himself, not to get lost in his mental modelling and anxious anticipation of what the other person is thinking and feeling, but maintaining some curiosity about his own body, and mindfully maintaining deep breath, neutral voice, straight back, relaxed shoulders. that’s the somatic foundation for straightforward communication
training these new habits of awareness, posture, and nervous system regulation opened up the space where he could practice a new repertoire and develop a new logic in relationships. he’s learning to be loyal to himself in the high-stakes moments, rather than abandoning himself
if you wanna join us in the dojo and practice standing your ground and advocating for yourself, we’re running one more cohort this year, starting October 22nd. sign-up below
@VividVoid_ Fight Wise: an online course to practice your interpersonal courage, starting October 22nd
speaking as a specialist in non hierarchical organising, it is very confusing to discover in me a growing respect for hierarchy and understanding of the role it plays in nearly all groups of people
groups are tricky because we lack shared context, everyone comes from a different place, grew up with different norms and cultural expectations
but one thing nearly everyone has in common: you were probably raised in a household with 1 or 2 adults and a few kids
no matter how enlightened or progressive your family, there's inevitably an enormous power difference between adults and children
this is the conditioning that basically everyone shows up with when they enter any collaboration
I was called in to mediate a conflict today, made me think how crucial & high-leverge this skill is. I wonder how many people would know how to do it?
I’m not a v sophisticated mediator but I’ll share my mental model here in case it is useful...
when two parties have escalating tension, when a lack of trust or shared understanding means that they’re exceeding their relationship’s capacity for divergence, thats the time to bring in a 3rd party mediator
as a mediator my job is to establish trust with Person A & Person B, give both of them the experience of being seen/heard/respected
they might have animosity between each other but if they can each trust me I can help them rebuild trust in their relationship
I drew this diagram to illustrate a lot of related insights about agency, hosting, community-building, collaborative leadership & social change
come with me now, the thread is long and full of bangers…
you can use this map to self-evaluate your level of agency: where are you currently? what group experiences do you feel comfortable to host? what feels very doable? what would feel like a tolerable stretch? what would be overwhelming even to attempt?
up and to the right = more agency, more capacity for collaborative leadership
this comes with more responsibility, more ability to mobilise resources, more commitment, more risk, more impact
ok not to sound dramatic but I used to be kinda dumb and now I'm smarter than like 80% of people and I know when & how it happened & I think the same method would work for most people
for me it happened during the Occupy Movement. specifically, participating in lengthy deliberation, with skin in the game, for days on end
prior to the deliberative process, my ideas were just what my friends thought. ,y head was full of slogans. I had no interest in truth, I just believed things that seemed good to believe. I calibrated my inner compass from the people I looked up to and that was enough