Thread by @OSPyoutube

all right I've gone without a bad movie for TOO LONG! taking suggestions, and not to skew the results too heavily, but I've kinda been feeling something 80s-ish like Conan The Barbarian -R

Oh right it's my poll and I can add a movie if I want

dert dert dert dert doo-DOO dert dert dert dert doo-DOO

dutch angle count: 15
timestamp: 1:30

oh boy

"I trust one person on this planet, Jax. You're talking to her."

now THAT is an establishing character opener

they're hitting me with too many character intros, we're not even four minutes in, what happened to that guy's face, why is there a mosh pit, WHAT'S HAPPENING

guy in a suit, meet four other guys in suits

wait why are the suit-guys fighting I thought they'd be friends

ohhhhhhhh it's a MOVIE set, So Meta

once-a-generation tournaments are kinda flawed on principle. what if you were six when the tournament happened? what if you were eighty? how can you Test Your Might if you're not 20-40 during the once-a-generation showdown of destiny?

liu kang has returned, he's a chosen one, he's got a beautiful mullet, and he went from "a tournament can't decide the fate of the world" to "I want to enter this tournament to decide the fate of the world" in the space of one scene

Raiden may be a god of thunder but I feel like simply flipping a dude over shouldn't be accompanied by a thunderclap sound effect

also maybe I'm the idiot for thinking "show me your skills, Liu Kang" was going to transition into, you know, a good old-fashioned fight, rather than one acrobatic tumble and a brief shouting match

okay liu kang just became my favorite character by cheerfully taking johnny cage's money and then tossing his suitcase into the bay

listen the acting may be a bit goofy and the vocal delivery is especially kinda flat but my boi liu kang is a deLIGHT and I will accept no disrespect

scorpion and subzero, costumes courtesy of party city

EVERY time the characters square up for a fight someone steps in to stop them (RAIDEN) and I'm SICK of it

listen everyone else is all right and Shang Tsung especially is nice and menacing but WHAT is up with Raiden's performance

ah, my favorite trio dynamic - Two Bickering Goobers and One Chill Dude Who Actually Knows What's Going On

SECOND FEMALE CHARACTER SPOTTED! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! SONYA IS NO LONGER THE SOLE REP!

"You know, you gotta admire her. When she sets her mind on something…"
"It's not her mind you're admiring."

Johnny Cage is hilarious to me because the other two members of the trio have all the interesting character traits and motivations and he's just here to be the token handsome quippy white guy

Huh, Goro looks pretty good, effects-wise. That's gotta be at least partially a practical effect, right?

what's even the point of piling on this much food? it's one dude. is kano seriously gonna eat that entire cheese block?

36 minutes in, time for our first actual fight! And the theme music kicks in!!

man remember when movies weren't ashamed to be ridiculous and campy? I blame the nolan batman movies for the Serious Realism No We Promise trend these days

shang tsung's leather jacket is seriously styling

this movie sure is fond of the male physique in all its glory, and also big feathery mullets

oh no shang tsung is taking that guy's soul, quick get a closeup on the aaaaaabs

in the age of Black-Widow-style overly-acrobatic combat choreography of exclusively sexy leg-grapples for the ladies, I really respect Sonya full-on clocking Kano, taking a couple serious hits, making some majorly unpretty grimaces and BREAKING HIS NECK

everything about scorpion is hilarious, ESPECIALLY his voice. I can HEAR the caps lock.

everyone really likes doing kip ups in this movie even though there are many easier ways to stand up, and as someone who spent four weeks figuring out how to kip up in high school, I can respect that

how come none of you told me scorpion is literally just ghost rider

okay, fight scenes that double as flirtation are overplayed, but this fight scene between Kitana and Liu Kang kinda works because (a) they clearly actually both know how to fight and (b) they're clearly both taking it seriously, the grapples and intense stares just kinda Happen

broke fight-flirting: dude casually pins lady, says something flirty and/or gross, lady escapes pin, haughty hair-toss, a couple punches, repeat
woke fight-flirting: bro the proximity of this arm-lock is really helping me see how gorgeous your eyes are 😳

"for your next fight use the element that brings life"
"oh hello liu kang don't mind me just putting these buckets of water down near your next fight k byeee"
"well hello subzero I wonder how THIS fight is gonna go"

oh please don't tell me they really have to spell out the water thing for him

liu kang you absolute himbo

uh oh, black guy's first to fight goro, this movie was made in the nineties, is this going where I think it's going

alas, poor… that guy

it's stilted as hell, but respect to raiden for always saying "mortal men - and women" when addressing the Protagonist Trio

raiden says it's the nominal darkest hour now that the black guy died first so now it's Belly Of The Whale O'Clock and the heroes have to face their fears

forty minutes left in the movie and johnny cage has decides he's gonna Challenge Goro and he's gonna do it For Sonya and both of these things came out of exactly nowhere

"You're very foolish. The true sign of a hero."

okay hilarious but I feel like if dick-punches were normally this effective in mortal kombat 90% of the matches would be over in five seconds

oh what a callback, hitting him with the "this is where you fall down"

wait why did he kidnap sonya what's happening

Johnny: *constant bitching*
Liu Kang, internally, probably:

why did that statue eat the evil lizard and then turn into a scorpion recolor is this canon somehow

WHY WAS IT FULL OF BUGS

oh thank fuck kitana's back

oh hey johnny where the fuck were you for that last fight

sonya's been kidnapped, put in a dress, chained up, the bad guy called her "my sweet", and she's now being menaced by an evil cult. that's officially Damsel Bingo!

how is summoning the souls of your defeated enemies NOT considered interference

oh man shang tsung is really hitting him with the "I'll transform into your loved one right in front of you and then act like them" and for some reason it's fuckin working

shang tsung, you fool, by mussing up his mullet you've only made it FLUFFIER and his power has only GROWN

shang tsung's vocal delivery is really good but why does he keep making That One Face

ah yea, the hazards of making yourself into a malevolent soul tornado commonly include
-heroes kicking you into your own spike pit
-rapid dessication
-exploding

you fools thought this movie was over? say hello to a GOOFY-ASS SEQUEL HOOK

well that movie was very dumb but quite enjoyable, also shoutout to that dude in the credits named "Martin Hunter" for being the new top of my list for "most likely to be the Martian Manhunter's secret identity"

wait, they got three different guys to play all the scorpion recolors? why did they even bother

huh