Thread by @OSPyoutube

So guys, I have a confession. I've never watched the Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies. I know they're classics so I feel like I kinda have a duty to watch them, and OBVIOUSLY I wanna regale you guys with my opinions, but I'm not entirely sure how to approach this -R

well all righty then, this is gonna be an experience - gimme a bit to get settled

Well, the soundtrack is already very nice - kinda spooky and tense for a superhero movie but I'm not complaining

ooooh that opening CGI though, oof

"This story, like any story worth telling, is about a girl." good attitude, Pete, but the MCU would disagree

watching all these visibly adult 20somethings play out painfully awkward and very realistic high school stupidity is giving me the weirdest brain-pain

okay MJ awkwardly modeling "candid" shots with the sciency stuff is very funny

aww, uncle ben and aunt may have such a sweet dynamic, but this is also an uncomfortably realistic look at the difficulties elderly people face when forced to re-enter the workforce

people should really stop cutting people's funding. the only thing more dangerous than a mad scientist is a mad scientist about to lose their funding who resorts to testing their dangerous experiments on themselves

wait, MJ is literally The Girl Next Door? Their bedrooms face each other?? Her curtains are totally sheer??? is that kinda weird or am I just being weird

spidey-sense is the best wingman a suddenly-buff teenage boy could ask for

oooooooooo the awkwardness oooooo end it AUGH NO BIO-WEB WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT

okay I kinda dig how peter winning a school fight with flash isn't actually being played like a heroic thing to do - only Harry thinks it's cool, which is also a nice bit of villain-shadowing

I always wondered how the wall-crawling thing worked through his shoes. How does he stick through the soles? Is he just relying on friction and letting his hands do most of the sticking?

"Go web! Up up and away web! Shazam!" 👍✌️🤟👆

awwww sweet soul-baring conversation about future college plans, I can almost forget these are two grown-ass adults

oh man, and just that little transition from MJ being soft and sweet with Peter and then turning on the high-pitched "OMG SICK CAR" vibe with Flash - such a good indication of who she feels she can be genuine around

"Remember: with great power comes great responsibility."

Instant conflict just add "you're not my real dad"

These are some VERY aggressive wrestling cheerleaders

"That's a cute outfit! Did your husband give it to you?"

Oh, Peter. Don't you know that pettiness is unheroic and subject to instantaneous karmic punishment? I hope you've learned your lesson

this first nighttime chase is so good, especially how you can see the beginnings of his iconic maneuvers coming through in his furious movements, culminating in his first real web-swing

oooo so CREEPY, horror-movieing the carjacker through this spooky abandoned warehouse

ah, the old self-disposing bad guy manuever, always accidentally falling out of buildings so the heroes don't need to compromise their morals

Aw, Norman is so supportive! Sure hope nothing happens to spoil this beautiful friendship

this spider-man montage really only works because these civilian reactions are EXTREMELY new york

J JONAH JAMESON IS HERE

Awwwww and this conversation where Peter tells MJ not to be ashamed of waiting tables and they commiserate over Harry kind of living in his own little classist world? Flawless characterization

aww JJJ is so supportive in his own dickhead way and I am one hundred percent down with it

rule #1205072 of fiction: nothing good ever happens at a parade

hey look it's stan lee

who even builds these cartoonishly huge wine glass pyramids people are always getting thrown through?

HA okay MJ and spidey interrupting that random couple having a Beautiful Moment in that lovely roof garden was hiLARious

oh no, my Eccentric Rich Person Mask Collection has finally shattered my mind!

"Slander is spoken. In print it's lible."

Listen I know JJJ is mean but he's just so dang hilarious and weirdly supportive of Peter that I love him anyway

"You and I are not so different!"

Solid point from Green Goblin, superhero fights are usually pretty high in collateral damage

"I'd better run, Tiger."

oh boy upside-down smooch time - honestly while the smooch itself is romantic, so is the part where she willingly doesn't raise the mask further AND where he doesn't have to tell her not to

wouldn't it be awkward if there was a crisis and spidey swung by and the crowd was like "SAVE THEM SPIDER-MAN" but he was just coming through the neighborhood for like a sandwich or something

"It's YOU who's out, Gobbie - out of your MIND!"

"How did you say that happened?"
"…Bike messenger."

Ah yes, I love that tense scene where the green-themed villain puts together Spider-Man's true identity while they're both unmasked at a social gathering - so tense

peter I know you're having a good time talking to MJ about an imaginary conversation you had with spider-man but please focus on the fact that green goblin knows who you are and everyone you love is at risk

Aunt May lives for three things: wise anecdotes, emotional support, and shipping the ever-loving shit out of Peter and MJ

okay I gotta respect that "oh, Peter, everyone already KNOWS how you feel about MJ cuz it's SO OBVIOUS" is actually used as a dramatic catalyst for the finale - cuz if EVERYONE knows, GOBLIN knows

Green Goblin is almost distractingly self-aware. I've never seen a villain monologue actively call itself out as a sadistic choice before

wow it's so nice that the entire population of Movie Brooklyn assembled on this bridge to throw stuff at goblin and yell "YOU MESS WIT' ONE OF US YOU MESS WIT' AWL OF US"

I feel like you don't need to keep calling him "Mister Osborn" now that he's tried to kill everyone you love

"I have a father. His name was Ben Parker."

Peter Parker concludes the only way to save his loved ones from the dangers of his lifestyle is to practice Responsible Social Distancing. Be like Peter Parker. Wash your hands.

"I will always be your friend." 😬

*real-time fandub voice*
"I'd like to be in the friendzone! I'd like friends!"
"It's not as pleasant as you'd think."

IS THIS GODDAMN NICKELBACK

And now there's RAPPING?!

oh thank fuck, classic spider-man theme time

okay I need a quick break before I start in on Spider-Man 2: The One Everyone Uses As A Gold Standard, brb

ooooo, comic-style illustrations of original movie as a quick recap over the credits! gorgeously stylized, very nice

oh hey it's movie admiral zhao and he's running a new york pizzeria now

Who the heck is ordering deep dish pizza in NYC? unrealistic

goddammit everything about this dumb pizza-delivering opening is KILLING ME and they have the audacity to end with an overly-long MOPS FALLING OUT OF THE CLOSET GAG and it's WORKING what is HAPPENING

and they give us JJJ before the 10-minute mark, they know what we're here for

I see they stopped dying Harry's hair red for this movie

god, harry, get over it already, so spider-man killed your dad, who HASN'T lost a father figure or two in these movies

oh no may you can't just pivot from sweet kindness to weeping tragedy in ONE SENTENCE you're gonna kill me

oh cool MJ way to rub salt in the wound with "yeah I'm seeing someone :) he's my boyfriend :)) he keeps me company :))) maybe more than that :)))) how does that make you feel peter :))))))) anyway bye :)))))))))))"

I don't particularly enjoy how this movie is making me feel right now, but I respect the skill with which it's pulling it off

Both this movie and the last one do something a little weird with the timescale… sometimes it's hard to tell how long things are supposed to be taking until one of the characters loudly exclaims "gee isn't it neat how we've been at this for NINETY MINUTES"

aw man, doc ock and his wife are so sweet together, sure hope nothing goes catastrophically wrong in twooooooo minutes

I love the nonchalance of new yorkers in this movie. Some dude backflips off his vespa in the middle of traffic and narrowly avoids being hit by a car? Yeah he probably just eats his green vegetables

sorry peter, didn't you know that "failure to resolve your romantic subplots" is a karmically punishable offense? enjoy being muggled until you get your stuff in order

pete, seriously, just play the "my vespa got crushed by a car" card, it's not even a lie and she can't give you shit for that

Doc Ock's tentacle rig looks REALLY GOOD and his acting during the connection scene is ALSO REALLY GOOD

"luckily I developed this single inhibitor chip to keep me from turning into a supervillain, it's extremely sturdy and definitely won't get burned out in twoooooo minutes"

oh no there goes the wife, oh no there goes the chip, oh no there goes The Power Of The Sun In The Palm Of My Hand

"I'm ruined. I have nothing left… except Spider-Man."
"He saved your life, sir."
"He humiliated me by touching me." *puts on sunglasses*

…so harry got all the acting sucked out of him in that explosion

scuse me doctor but I don't think that buzzsaw is sterile

wow, doc ock made the leap from "kindly scientist" to "horror movie villain" in record time and I honestly love it

"Guy named Otto Octavius winds up with eight limbs. Ha! What are the odds?" ah beans he's become self-aware

Gotta say, Doc Ock's plan is a little wack, but it does make sense that the tentacle AI would be single-mindedly obsessed with completing the project it was built for.

oh hey it's stan lee

the movie picked the PERFECT frame to buffer on

so listen, I like MJ a lot, but does she have any character arcs that don't involve dating dudes who aren't Peter?

MJ should probably internalize that "being mad at one of your friends" is not a good reason to enter a relationship and/or get engaged

this movie has done nothing but shit on peter nonstop, and I know it's doing this to push him into abandoning being spider-man because that's the root cause of all the bad stuff, but man it's tiring to watch

"I'm spider-man……… no more."

and now it's time for a montage of Healthy Normal Non-Spider-Man Things set to Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

"I hope you are not leading a double life, pretending to be wicked but really being good all along." And it was at that moment MJ accidentally put together Peter's whole character arc and felt like a right heel

dang it peter just date someone else MJ is clearly not good to date

I like how this one news guy clearly knows Peter's secret and is totally down with Spider-Man and is deeply upset about him being Spider-Man No More

awww, may is blaming herself? don't bother, peter parker is a MASTER of blaming himself! get on his level, lady

there'd better be some DAMN good catharsis at the end to make up for this conga-line of bullshit peter's been going through all movie

ooooooo, clever, getting us used to the thunder and lightning so we don't initially notice the sound of doc ock climbing the building

the movie knows tritium is a real thing, right? it's radioactive hydrogen. they use sealed capsules of it to light up exit signs and keychains. I used to have a tritium keychain before I watched Chernobyl too many times and got a little tense about casual radioactives

peter saves the kid from the fire, yay!
peter internalizes guilt that someone still died because he didn't have his powers, nooooooo!

I really do like how this movie makes it very clear that Power And Responsibility genuinely sucks ass and keeps him from getting what he want out of life because he has to do what he CAN instead

okay does May know Peter's secret or not? I think she does, cuz she didn't get on Peter for ditching her at the bank, and she's being real suggestive in this speech about how "boys like Henry" need a hero to look up to

okay peter's powers are obviously just playing coy because he would be FULLY dead from that fall if he were an Ordinary Dude

MJ: ugh honestly fuck peter parker he's the worst, btw can we make out upside down for a minute, I wanna compare your smoochability with my celebrity crush

I think MJ needs to beef up her self-worth and stop defining herself by the men she's dating, crushing on, or stringing along

"don't hurt peter," says harry, and doc ock obliges by throwing a dang car at him and hucking him into a wall

okay now we KNOW peter's powers are just playing coy because his spider-sense still works

peter's in serious trouble if his powers are at the mercy of MJ's emotional commitment

HELL the FUCK YES the fights between spidey and doc ock are the best things in the movie and I LOVE how they choreograph them

a lot of my experience watching these movies is just "oh THAT'S where that really good scene in that other spider-man movie came from", so far we've got
-vulture figuring out peter's identity
-miles testing his abilities out by jumping off a roof

Excellent dolly zoom on the train tracks, excellent stopping-the-train scene overall

awwwwwww and the new yorkers lift him uuuuuup

look yes it's very sweet that the train car full of new yorkers agree not to reveal his identity, but there's eight million people in the city, I guarantee none of these people could identify anything about him other than "young white guy with brown hair and a doofy expression"

"No way! My good friend, Peter Parker, who betrayed me, is actually my nemesis, Spider-Man, who ALSO betrayed me and yet keeps rescuing me! No freaking way!"

"Hey! HEY! *whistles* I'm TALKIN' to you!"
oh hey I guess MJ's a real New Yorker after all

"Peter Parker… 'brilliant but lazy'!" good, good start to the catharsis, keep the acknowledgements coming

this is just so good you guys. the dynamic between back-in-control Otto and Peter is so sweet and triumphant and aaaaaa

nothing is powerful enough to stop this self-sustaining fusion reaction… except the murky waters of the Hudson

"I think I always knew. All this time… who you really were." THEN WHY WERE YOU BEING SUCH A SHIT TO HIM FOR MISSING YOUR DATES

you know who didn't deserve any of the shit in this movie? MJ's fiance, who seems like a really sweet fit dude

okay I know why NORMAN developed the split personality, but why is HARRY hearing his dad's voice now? Is it plot-induced DID? Setup-for-sequel-itis?

with a wedding this somber it's no wonder MJ left him at the altar, but I get the feeling this feel-good ending is going to feel REALLY ironic in a movie or so

"Can't you respect me enough to let me make my own decisions?"

well…… Mary Jane……… it's not about the respect, it's more that your track record is kind of unreliable…………

HOKAY that was fun, I definitely need a minute before swinging into Spider-Man 3: The One Everyone Jokes About because apparently twitter has a "rate limit" I've exceeded with my nonstop tweeting, so… be back shortly!

awww, no comic-book stylization this time, just a lot of flashbacks :c

seems like this movie's starting out by being much nicer to Peter, possibly to make up for the nonstop shitshow that was his life in part 2

MJ has had an absolutely buckwild career trajectory, especially considering she kept completely freezing onstage every time she saw Peter in the audience in the last movie

nice to see harry is using the power of green to get S W O L E

ooooooo the animation on the symbiote is really good, it's liquidy and tendon-like but somehow always looks like it's clawing towards you

this scene with not-yet-the-sandman was so effective and emotional until he outright said "I'm not a bad person"

this relationship peaked at the upside-down smoochathon and has only become less compelling with time

ooo I really dig the choreography for this fight between peter and harry as Green Goblin 2.0

oh noooo he hit his head, if only he'd…… I dunno… worn a helmet for more than fifteen seconds

of all the sand pits in the tri-state area, Flint just had to fall into the one running a highly unstable sand experiment with zero oversight

oh no, harry's developed Narrative Amnesia - the hardest kind to treat!

I don't wanna diminish a beautiful scene, but why did Flint's clothes turn into sand along with him but the locket with his daughter's photo didn't

"Oh my god. That's Gwen!"
"Who're you?"
"Edward Brock Junior. I work at the daily bugle and I'm dating your daughter."

so that's how they introduce the main villain

the bit with the buzzer and the pills is very funny tbh

you know what else is very funny? everything about Eddie "Nice 'N Easy" Brock.

hey look it's stan lee

bernard was in a grand total of one scene in the last movie and it's still unclear what his deal is, but I know for a fact they're gonna make him Plot Significant for this one

oooooooo awkward, MJ got fired and nobody even told herrrrr

okay I think MJ needs a life goal that isn't breaking out in showbiz because one blown performance has her INCREDIBLY salty

"he's hiding behind that enormous sand truck parked ten feet away! what are the odds??"

okay last movie was everyone shitting on peter for two hours, this movie in contrast seems to be making everything WAY too nice for him and now I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop

so we all agree spider-man telling gwen to smooch him just cuz the crowd was yelling about it is fuckin dumb right

Spidey: I guess you haven't heard. I'm the sheriff around these parts!
Sandman:

do you think peter noticed that this same guy was the booking dude at the wrestling ring, the snooty usher at MJ's play and the Very French dude at the restaurant?

I know Peter is trying to sympathize with MJ's difficulties but unfortunately the success story of superhero celebrity doesn't really relate well to the struggling actress who hasn't hit her big break yet

okay between the last few movies I think we can conclude that MJ needs to sort out her crushing insecurity before she pursues a serious relationship and Peter needs to recognize that being a universally beloved superhero kind of makes him not the loser underdog anymore

hey good news peter, since that dude you let go didn't kill ben after all and it was some other guy you'd never heard of, you're actually completely absolved of your whole power/responsibility guilt thing

the symbiote is only making a move now that peter's all pissed-off and vengeance-y, but MJ was in the apartment earlier while she was in a VERY bad emotional place, why wouldn't it just bond to her?

the primary benefits of the black suit are usually
-easy quick-change into and out of costume
-infinite webs, no fluid needed
-maybe a slight boost in power

none of these traits are relevant in this version so it just looks like he's become addicted to goth

the cgi in this fight is a little more jarring than the others, I think the black suit looks a little less real in motion than the red one

Okay I'm instantly giving this movie points for the bit with Peter's landlord when Peter yells at him over rent and slams the door - "he is…… a good boy. He must be in some kind of trouble."

aunt may why won't you condone spider-man's extrajudicial killing of the man who killed your husband D:

oh yay MJ is bonding with Harry how sweet and it's so nice she's getting some emotional support in her time of NO WAIT IS THIS FLIRTING HEY KNOCK IT OFF

oh cool all his memories are back now, that was quick

the landlord's daughter has gotten way sweeter since she's decided to start shipping Peter and MJ instead of flirting with him herself

oh nooo Harry has forced MJ to break up with Peter, that's so tragic, if only I were feeling something about it

oh harry, you magnificent BITCH, making yourself peter's shoulder to cry on and then using the angle to rip his heart out

I'm newly single and feeling betrayed, time to go Alien Goth

Sound designers love adding high-pitched tinnitus sound effects whenever someone has a pointy thing near their eyeball

the choreography for THIS harry-peter fight is much less interesting. They're just punching each other and throwing stuff.

Just blew up my friend with his own bomb, time to strut out and flirt with some ladies

gotta respect that JJJ will fire any photographer he catches photoshopping

Okay yes this dancing scene sucks but you know what? Peter's always been a fuckin dork and he's been carrying a torch for MJ since he was six, I think he's allowed to be a little stupid when it comes to Acting Cool And Flirty At Girls

so did the symbiote teach him to play piano or what

so he took his new girlfriend to MJ's jazz club so he could… upstage MJ and then slow dance with Gwen in front of her? That's a pretty involved dick move

Gwen apologizing to MJ before running off was nice though, clear that she doesn't like being used as a tool in someone else's relationship drama

rushing the symbiote story means we've gotten no indication of its weakness to sound, which means peter going to the church comes out of nowhere

are you there, god? it's me, venom

nice work getting the symbiote off you, peter, now have fun getting home butt-ass naked

venom's voice is too normal, I wish it had a little more stank on it

I don't know how many times this trilogy has done this exact scene:
-Peter looks wistfully at MJ
-MJ doesn't notice
-Peter continues to look wistful
-Peter walks away
-MJ looks at the spot Peter was just at and also looks wistful

-bonus: MJ is then kidnapped

shouldn't have blown up half of harry's face if you wanted his help later, peter

oh thanks for the insight, bernard (is it bernard?) it's so nice that you've been here this whole time, the loyal butler to the osborn family who's been extremely important to the plot, how kind of you to be the one who finally convinces harry to stop trying to murder peter

"Oooh, my spider sense is tingling - if you know what I'm talking about 😏"

The fight between spidey, venom and sandman is pretty well-choreographed and the cgi holds up all right

god damn, nobody in this movie likes wearing a mask for more than fifteen seconds at a time

harry's glider has added some very fun choreography potential to this fight

poor MJ, she's trying to break into showbiz but she's mostly known for being very publicly endangered and rescued by spider-man like four times - can't choose what makes you famous I guess

oh no harry has been stabbed by his own glider what a cruel twist of fate if only he had done literally anything else instead of jumping in the way

alas, poor sandman, your sick daughter justifies everything you did, and also the shooting was an accident so really NOBODY is responsible for ben's death after all, what lovely closure this is

"I've done terrible things too. You shot my uncle, and I was really cringey for about 36 hours"

half the crying scenes are very stoic Single Noble Tear dealios and the other half are full-on inelegant blubbering and it's a coin-flip which kind each scene is gonna be

if MJ is going to get big she NEEDS to stop freezing mid-line every time she sees peter in the audience, this is like the fourth time

well, that… happened

I mean, it's definitely not great, but it's not THAT different from the first two - just more poorly-paced. 2 was definitely the high point - best villain, most interesting arcs, least Distractingly Cheesy Nonsense.