Thread by @OSPyoutube

So it turns out streaming for five days straight really takes it out of you, and my brain isn't good for all that much right now.

Could probably manage a bad movie, though :x

-R

all right…… let's do Valerian -R

opening with Major Tom is neat, and I like this slow build of satellites locking together over the decades to make this multi-planet monstrosity

the station will journey INTO THE UNKNOWN you say??

the structural integrity of this lego space station has me deeply concerned. how do they replenish the atmosphere? what happens if they get too close to anything with a gravitational field and the tidal effects start straining the connecting bits?

these skinny pearly space-elves have "doomed utopia" written all over them

okay I'm always a sucker for gratuitous planetary destruction so this effect looks nice, but how many sci-fi characters do we have to watch tragically die on the other side of a closed door with a shockingly durable pane of glass

mmmmcool didn't really wanna watch two barely-clothed individuals Playfully Spar In A Sexual Way While Loudly Discussing Their Established Relationship

my god the first couple minutes with these two are literally nonstop exposition and somehow the only things they're communicating are "she's smart and he's every sci-fi protagonist since kirk"

"Look. We both know-" stop. stop talking. if you both know why are you saying it

THEY'RE STILL GOING

"hey siri tell me about this weird dream I had" "it's a psychic vision beamed into your head from somewhere" "neat. I will not emotionally react to this"

bold move to spend the opening five minutes on your characters rapid-fire expositing on their Extensive History and Lengthy Badass Resume and then characterize them as two horny teenagers who don't even read mission briefings

there's lots of cool worldbuilding concepts here and the visual effects are very nice for the most part (though the cgi humanoid aliens are a little unnerving as always) but I can't get invested cuz
-the heroes are devoid of personality or charm
-I have no idea what's happening

wow, a Taken reference, that's… incredibly jarring

the vocal delivery in this is distractingly flat, nobody's sounded more excited than Dull Surprise in a solid 30 minutes

This movie's going for a Super Badass Trope, which is "too cool to emotionally react in situations that would be reasonably considered alarming". Unfortunately, this trope only works in moderation, otherwise we lose investment in the characters who don't seem invested themselves.

the station has traveled 700 million miles, which is…… yup. just past saturn. whenever a movie has a goof that's one google search away from being fixed, I always question how many people signed off on it before it made it into the final cut

This is kind of a universal sci-fi gripe, but with all these Satellite Colonies that are meant to last for generations, I remember
-how quickly technology improves and how primitive our first rockets seem to us now
-how often infrastructure on earth needs repairs or overhauling

Imagine if we launched a space colony in the 80s with the main computer processing power of a TI-84, the structural integrity of a horseless carriage and the fireproofing power of asbestos. We'd be sending ships to overhaul the entire setup within three years.

oh uh plot update, there's a radiation zone in the heart of the giant satellite and they can't get in to fix it, those pearl elves are back and doing something sketchy, and their military higher-ups are clearly covering something up

well, I wasn't expecting a slime gun. I also wasn't expecting a tiny dedicated spider-bot specifically to cut valerian out of the slime from the slime gun

this charging-through-the-walls scene is very nice to look at, but my god, if I thought I was worried about satellite integrity BEFORE

mildly frustrated that valerian hasn't put together
-psychic vision of the pearl planet being destroyed by crashing spaceship shrapnel
-info about pearl planet's destruction 30 years ago suspiciously covered up
-pearl elves clearly with huge grudge against human military

oh no lorelei has been arrested… in a suit of power armor…… that valerian just used to run straight through walls………

look I don't wanna tell you how to be a badass but I feel like you didn't need to do the whole "you should cuff me PSYCH I'M USING JUDO ON YOU" black widow schtick when this armor has been shown to punch through walls

"We know how humans work. You're all so predictable."
"Clearly you've never met a woman!"

Badass lady heroes:

Badass lady heroes who center their entire personality on Being A Woman and possibly How Strange And Unpredictable This Makes Them By Nature:

it's time for quirky submarine man and his amazingly superfluous underwater chase scene

huh, she just found valerian where he crashed. for some reason I assumed they were gonna leverage his disappearance into the pearl-controlled red zone for some kind of plot or narrative development instead of just "have we reminded you that these two are definitely in love today"

hey not to be alarmist but isn't this a radiation zone

First funny scene! The alert goes out to all cops to "find and assist" Valerian, so the one he's currently holding at gunpoint just carefully says "…Can I help you?"

lorelei sure gets kidnapped a lot for someone wearing power armor

doesn't she also have a gun

well I definitely believe that a shapeshifter would decide to look like rihanna 24/7

look this dancing rihanna thing is cool but legitimately what is the point of this

okay I don't wanna undersell this, rihanna is really playing this part well - the edge of sad desperation under her showgirl thing is legitimately tragic and moving

WHAT IS THE POINT OF THESE BIG ALIEN DUDES THAT DON'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH AND JUST MAKE GOOFY FACES

wasn't there a satellite-wide threat they had to fix in less than a week

ohhhh he was gonna EAT her I get it

if only she had a suit of power armor

or a gun

and they fuckin killed bubble. of course. I knew she was too good for this movie

so this entire subplot was pointless, then

oh and suddenly the pearl elf princess has been with valerian in spirit The Whole Time, a fact which has never been demonstrated or even hinted at in the narrative and is only being mentioned now, a full hour and forty minutes into the story

look I get there's some kind of government coverup about the pearl planet being inhabited when it was destroyed but I have no fucking clue what's happening or who these military guys are

cool and now they're gonna go hang out with the pearl elves so maybe we can finally find out what the plot is supposed to be

so the ghost of the pearl elf princess is hanging out in valerian, but she hasn't seen fit to do anything or contribute to the plot or visibly affect valerian in any way

spectacle-filled space battles are pretty boring to watch when we don't know or particularly care about any of the people involved

I do kinda like these pearl elves getting a crash course in space travel after living in this wrecked human spaceship for a while

and they built a planet-fixing machine in the satellite basement?? this would've been cool to hint at earlier

a conspiracy by the last survivors of an attempted incidental genocide and subsequent government coverup? pretty spicy social commentary, lots of potential, no complaints about that bit. reserving my complaints for the other hour and a half of this movie so far

omg the general raised his voice, this MUST be serious if he's emoting beyond a dull deadpan

valerian just punched a general in the face and now he's lecturing lorelei on the need to Play By The Rules and Justice Is For The Courts To Decide and it makes me think that they really wanted to pad this movie past two hours

I have the sneaking suspicion that this pearl princess ghost isn't going to contribute to the plot at all

wait… what exactly did this planet-fixing machine do? did they just turn this bit of the satellite or ship into a copy of their home planet? that's pretty lame for the severity of their situation

a big source of confusion for me earlier in this movie is that the Evil Commander Behind The Conspiracy and the Not Evil Just Under Orders General looked and sounded incredibly similar to me and I didn't realize they weren't the same person until halfway through the movie

oh yea there's a bomb countdown and a big shootout because the plot was like thirty seconds from being resolved peacefully and who wants to end a movie like THAT

ugh christ here we go again with the romantic subplot

"You spent a day in a woman's body, did you not learn anything?" wh- he- no, he spent a day with a woman in HIS body, what are you TALKING about

it's over I guess??