Thread by @jeremynewberger

MY STORY FROM LAST NIGHT

[Law & Order sound]
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by 2 separate yet equally important groups: only one matters here. the police, who investigate crime; This is their story.

[guitar solo]

(Thread inspired by Dick Wolf)

(1)

April 21, 2020
10:22pm
Newberger Residence

Jeremy sits on couch watching Fauda on Netflix, imagining a Love Boat style Fauda theme song. Wife Michele is playing Candy Crush. Jeremy wonders how she's reading the subtitles, or if she just learned Arabic during quarantine.

(2)

Jeremy gets a suspicious text, but it's one down from his Jewish Sleep Away Camp Friends chat, which has been going on for just about forever. Jeremy doesn't realize he has new message.

SEE EXHIBIT A, second text down, from unknown number.
[Law & Order sound]
(3)

Jeremy opens text message.

[warning this description contains language, nudity, and smoking]
Text has 2 attached photos.(I will not publish them)
PHOTO 1, older woman, looks palish blue, bloated, contusions on her lip, eyes puffy. From photo, VIW appears to be, well, dead.
(4)

PHOTO 2, wider shot of the same vic, spread out on bed naked, vagina exposed, scarring on the vic's right leg. Possible head trauma. Vic looks DOA.

(Keep in mind these two photos were under my Jewish Camp Friend chat and from an unknown number.)

[Law & Order sound]
(5)

Here's where things get weird. Ok, things are already weird. We're quarantined in our home for almost 2 months, a reality show host is President, a pandemic is killing thousands and people are whining they can't get haircuts. Oh and someone texted me photos of a dead woman.
(6)

This is where Jeremy has internal debate of whether to tell his wife, something I imagine many of you have had. Broke a vase. Do I tell her? Scratched her car. Do I tell her? Ate the last fudge striped cookie. Do I tell her? Married another woman in Detroit. Do I tell her?
(7)

YES Jeremy tells her. Despite the graphic nature of these photos, and their unquestionable creepiness, and potential to freak her out, Jeremy needs to tell someone, and Mrs. Newberger signed up for this shit, for better or worse.
(8)

Imagine a young Mandy Patinkin here.

JEREMY: Honey, I got something I think I need to show you and it's pretty awful, might be the most awful thing you have ever seen, but I trust your better judgement on what I should do.
MICHELE: What?
(Wife, a young Mariska Hargitay.)
(9)

MICHELE: You got to call the cops. What if this person is a killer? What if you're next? What if this connects you to the crime? You won't survive jail. You want to do that to our kids? This is because of Twitter isn't it. What did you say? Your big mouth again.
(10)

Calling the cops checklist:
- Hide all the weed in the house?
- Call 9/11 or just the front desk of a local precinct?
- cops coming inside? (Remember COVID-19)
- Can cops stay on the driveway?
- Print out the obscene photos? (how much ink is that gonna waste on printer?)
(11)

(PHONE CALL)
DISPATCH: Hello, _______ Police Department, how can we help you?
JEREMY: Hello, sir, um, not sure how to report this but.
DISPATCH: Just tell me what happened.
JEREMY: I just got a creepy text.
DISPATCH: Can you describe the text.
JEREMY: I see dead people.
(12)

11:00pm

Waiting for cops.

Jeremy hasn't showered so he pats down jewfro. Puts on pants. Throws on sweatshirt. Asks wife if jeans make his ass look big. They do. Slips on sneakers, but decides to tie them. Wonders where the hell cops are. We live 2 minutes from precinct.
(13)

[Law & Order sound]

Officer arrives at witnesses house. Both officer and witness are wearing masks, officer wearing gloves, both standing on driveway obeying social distancing. Attached photo, EXHIBIT B, redacted to protect identity of the Officer.
(14)

OFFICER: Can I see the photos?
JEREMY: So, should I show you on my phone or should I get my laptop?
OFFICER: (suspicious look)
JEREMY: (flummoxed) My mac book has a window that shows me my SMS chats at same time as texts on my phone.
OFFICER: (long pause) Phone is fine.
(15)

Officer points out that first photo is actually a LIVE photo which means that you can tap it and it plays 3 seconds of video. Officer and Jeremy watch 3 seconds of dead woman photo video as camera moves and breathing is heard. Jeremy is totally freaked out. (16)

Officer takes out phone and snaps pictures of the pictures on Jeremy's phone. (Airdrop be damned)

Jeremy explains he had called police because it was too creepy.

Officer agrees woman looks dead. Says he will call the number and investigate. Suggests blocking the number.
(17)

Long movie montage of Jeremy and his wife trying to figure out how to block a number on an iPhone. Set to Benny Hill music (Yakety Sax.)
(18)

Jeremy's inquisitive 13 year-old daughter comes downstairs as Jeremy is snapping a screenshot of a dead naked woman on his phone and airdropping it to his laptop as evidence, in case needed. Jeremy must now explain why he is doing this and all his failings as her father.
(19)

I've been mocking Trump for several years now and have gotten many threats (lots of Neo-Nazis.) Was even on GOP candidate Paul Nehlen's target list of verified JEWS. (so proud) splinternews.com/gop-congressio…
Threats not new. Dead woman pics, that's Criminal Minds shit right there. (20)

Jeremy locks all his doors. Front door. Side door. Basement door. Garage door. Sliding doors. WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY F'IN DOORS?
Jeremy grabs for blunt object to keep bedside. Only sees a Swiffer Wet Jet. Will have to make do. He will swiff the shit out of whoever breaks in.
(21)

11:20pm

THE PAY OFF

OFFICER: (on phone) Mr. Newberger, I cracked the case. Are you sitting down? You are always sitting down? You should stand up more. You looked a little heavy when I was on your driveway. Those jeans, they were not flattering.
(Ok that part's made up.)
(22)

OFFICER: (on phone) An out of town family had called the police to check on a loved one who had gone silent, fairly standard in today's Covid-19 situation, and the NY detectives went to the home of an older woman. They found her DOA. (23)

OFFICER: Now the detectives were wearing gloves and protective gear because of COVID-19 and coroners are not making visits due to the volume of dead people being found, so detectives are having to take crime scene photos themselves.
(24)

OFFICER: The detective on the scene wearing the gloves accidentally typed in a phone number 2 digits off from the coroner, which happened to be your cell phone. They were agonizing whether to call your phone, after realizing their mistake. (Brazil much?)
(25)

OFFICER: When _________ police called the number the NY detective was relieved that it had gone to someone who reported it and not a minor. (Probably the detectives should have called Jeremy. No?)
(26)

So, that was my story. Things are so upside down right now, police are overwhelmed, and it's hard to do anything with gloves on. (Ask OJ) (Actually don't go near OJ.)
Thanks to great police work at our precinct I was able to sleep last night.
(Law & Order closing credits)(27)