1/11This weekend sucked. I swabbed a patient for Covid today (one of many). She was convinced she didn’t have “it” because she’d been swabbed two days before & it was negative, despite all of her symptoms pointing to it. The swab is awful & we are seeing 30-40% failure rate.
2/11Because if not done correctly (which is fucking awful) you get ‘negative’ tests. So I swab pretty aggressively. I made her nose bleed unfortunately and she cried. I felt terrible about that. Her test came back positive. She broke down & cried. I sat with her in my PPE
3/11where it’s impossible to really connect. She asked “can you promise me I’m not going to die?” I didn’t know what to say. I said “your numbers look good and most people do okay with this. She then asked “what are you going to do here for me?” I explained the plan
4/11for admission and treatment. Then she asked if she could get hydroxychloroquine. I explained that the studies haven’t been great yet on that and we still needed a lot of testing. She then said “well please just promise that I won’t die.” I couldn’t.
5/11We had so many people test positive this weekend. We sent at least a dozen patients to the ICU. The ICU is running out of beds and vents. I think that EVERY patient that was admitted will likely die. The patient I couldn’t promise survival to had the best
6/11chance of any of them. I’m starting to see the toll this is taking in my coworkers eyes. Our eyes are changing. They aren’t as bright and are darker somehow. We all are developing these dark circles under our eyes. We cry at the drop of a hat.
7/11We are short tempered and trying desperately to keep our shit together. I’m exhausted, yet can’t sleep. The sad thing is we really haven’t seen our peak yet. The social distancing has allowed us to plan and prepare. But we are getting more ‘waves’ of really
8/11fucking sick people. This is awful. Not letting families in to be with their loved ones. Trying to explain to people with dementia or who don’t speak English or who have both issues why they need to keep oxygen on or why they are so sick.
9/11Having to call security because family members refuse to leave the building. I can’t wrap my head around it. I can’t make sense of it. It’s starting to take its toll. I hope that I have the fortitude to withstand and survive this thing.
10/11 I hope my team is still all standing when this is through. I don’t think any of us will be the same. My friend said tonight “we are in the trenches and I guess there’s no place I’d rather be than here at least trying to help with everyone we work with.”
11/11She’s right. We all will come out scarred and traumatized. But I don’t believe I could ever do anything other than this. It is wearing on me, but this is who I am. I can’t change it. I’m a nurse. #COVID19 #coronavirus #frontlineworkers #frontline
