Thread by @OSPyoutube

All right y'all I know it's late (at least for those of you keeping a diurnal schedule) but I'm all out of work to do and could do with a bad movie tonight - or maybe a "so bad it's good" movie 🤔 -R

uh oh

well, well, well… after all these years, we finally meet………

So, context - the books were becoming very popular when I was just finishing up middle school, and between my "eww romance" and my dismissal of all things mainstream at the time I avoided it like the plague. I was right, obviously, but as a result I only know the memes

oh, good… a solid thirty seconds of shakycam……

look I KNOW voiceover is a skill separate from Regular Acting but HOW are all these actors so bad at narrating

a side effect of Bella's awkward bad acting is it makes these awkward father-daughter-not-reconnecting scenes disproportionately convincing

well here's a writing hole right off the bat – Bella has been visiting this town regularly her entire life, and sentence to sentence they will switch between "hey I know you cuz I've been here before" and "hey I'm new in town tell me what the status quo is"

she acted! when she said she liked the pickup, I believed her! I KNEW she had it in her

everyone knows these movies are bad but I firmly believe Kristen Stewart gets disproportionately blamed for the quality when there's really only so much you can do with a script like this

also seeing as she's bi playing out the world's blandest het romance can't have been fun

and the side characters introduce themselves, one after the other, to gush wildly over bella's apparent amazingness and immediately latch onto her personal life

this is like the high-school girl equivalent of aging former action stars being cast as supposedly hunky male leads that attractive young women throw themselves all over at first sight so he can Nobly Spurn Them

WHO is the "adopted siblings who are also dating" trope supposed to appeal to? Adopted people think it's gross. Not-adopted people think it's gross. EVERYONE thinks it's gross. WHY DO THEY KEEP WRITING IT

you can tell he's Different because he's the only cullen not wearing white, now that's what I call Costume Design

that's right, bella, you're SO STINKY this dude tried to transfer out of your class just to get away from you

Bella's acting makes it seem like she's horribly anxious in every single scene. Dodging eye contact, fidgeting, biting her lip - it's making ME anxious by proxy! It doesn't even seem like her acting is the problem, I think she was directed to play out every romance trope at once!

This is a little specific, but I feel like starting the narration in medias res with all that "never really thought about how I would die" stuff makes the continuous narration through the rest of the movie feel kind of weird. Like I was expecting it to be a framing sequence

finally a shot that isn't teal

look, speaking as someone who WAS the new girl in a small high school class who got adopted by a friendgroup shockingly quickly - none of that stuff goes ANYWHERE if you're consistently surprised, awkward and distracted whenever one of your new friends tries to talk to you, bella

ooo edward's Back In School and he's Making Small Talk and Doesn't Act Like She Smells Like Crap Anymore could this be true love in the making

bad news edward, bella doesn't like "cold, wet things" so you'd better DRY YOUR WET BLANKET ALREADY

edward has had a hundred years to come up with an explanation for his weird vampire eyes and he went with "…it's the fluorescence"

everyone seems so cold and awkward in this alleged romance movie and the color palette is not helping

"How did you get over to me so fast"? Not "how did you leave a damn handprint in the damn car door?"

goddamn edward's first response is to gaslight her and his second is "nobody's gonna believe you" someone call the Coast Guard we got a dreamboat on the loose

boi howdy I'm allergic to secondhand embarrassment and this movie might just kill me

"Bella, we - we shouldn't be friends."
"You should've just let the van crush me and saved yourself all this regret."

look, did I miss a conversation or five? in what world are you two friends?

I don't know if this is just a me thing, but the most unrealistic part of all these romance stories to me is the part where the characters put up with these ridiculous mixed signals for so long

man, when I wrote that "I'm a MONSTER, BABY, there's NO SAVING ME, you should STAY AWAY FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" line for the Dracula video I had no idea I was ripping that straight from the pages

"The cullens… don't come here."
*scene change*
"What did your friends mean by 'the cullens don't come here'?"
"You caught that, huh?"

it was eight seconds ago, so, yes

uh…… the whole "the cullen clan are monsters and my great-grandfather told their family to stay away" thing doesn't hold up if canonically everyone thinks they're a family of adopted foster-kids. Hard to justify the clan lineage thing.

ooooh, this evil blonde vampire lady is straight STYLING

it's old news at this point but I definitely don't like how the Quileute tribe get used in this story

ah yes, in any romance that's not actually compelling due to character chemistry, there's no better asset for a budding relationship than Random Rapey Dudes For The Dude To Fight Off

edward is so hilariously bad at keeping his secret that I'm positive the only reason he hasn't blown his cover yet is that he hasn't spoken to anyone outside his family since he died

This feels like a cautionary tale about not proofreading your writing for overuse of specific tropes. Bella's mannerisms are incredibly awkward and uncomfortable, but all she's doing is blinking and averting her gaze and biting her lip - written cues for Love that don't play well

was there really not enough proper vampire lore for you? did you really have to make up all this faux-historical stuff? you know plenty of cultures HAVE interesting vampire lore you could've used, right?? and making fake native american mythology for this was gross and bad???

hey, here's something fun! the "apotamkin" monster they namedrop here as a native american pseudo-vampires is a legend on the EAST COAST OF NORTH AMERICA with NO RELATION TO THE REGION THIS STORY TAKES PLACE IN and also it's LITERALLY JUST A BIG SEA SERPENT

WHY IS THIS MOVIE SO TEAL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND ANYTHING ROMANTIC IN THIS ENVIRONMENT

man I wish bella just kept listing unrelated traits

"You're impossibly fast and incredibly strong… your eyes change color… you enjoy long walks in the park… you don't like coffee… you can walk through walls, disappear and fly… you're much more unique than the other guy……"

this camera's gonna make me throw up and she hasn't even said vampire yet

this is the most disingenuous "don't look at me I'm so hideous" fantasy nonsense ever. I was giving Escaflowne crap for the protagonist being all "nooo my angelic feathery wings make me a MONSTER" and here we go with "these bedazzled abs are the abs of a KILLER BELLA"

okay you know what, Edward pointing out that he is literally a precision-designed human-seducing-and-murdering machine is pretty solid, and if you look at it from his perspective, Bella's "I don't care you're so sexy aha~" thing becomes hilariously frustrating for him

"I'm incredibly sexy but that's just a trap to lure you in and I can't stop it and I desperately want to murder you"
"I trust you you're so sexy ☺️"
"okay let me know where I lost you, I'll go back-"

edward's car being a sensible, gray mid-sized sedan makes all these Dramatic Car Shots absolutely hilarious

if edward doesn't want to be a monster, why did he let himself get turned into a vampire? and if he's never killed anyone, why did he keep yelling about Being A Killer Bella? it's almost like this is wildly inconsistent

feels like a family full of vampires trying to stay private shouldn't have wall-to-wall windows facing the woods in every direction

Rosalie talking like this is really risky for them as though vampires aren't apparently indestructible superhumans

going through high school over and over again to Preserve Your Cover For Longer just… doesn't make sense. Sure, after thirty years or so people might think it's weird your parents haven't visibly aged, but most people won't jump to "definitely vampires" just cuz you moisturize

ooooo these super-jumping vfx are Bad

"This can't be real. This kind of stuff just doesn't exist."
…are you…… talking about the tree you're in? because you've been very accepting of all the crazy vampire bullshit up til now, and none of this is appreciably new

inconsistent writing alert! edward acts as though sleep is some fascinating, alien thing to him, even though he had seventeen years of normal human life before all this went down. seems like they just really wanted to get that "watching you sleep" thing in there

man I wish I knew what the bad guys were doing, or overall about, or what their motivations were, or maybe their names or something

vampire baseball tiiiiime

the real question is, what are they making those bats out of

so who here knew Jasper was played by Sokka from Last Airbender and also why did none of you tell me

wow these bad-guy vampires are surprisingly amiable, I can dig this

I mean obviously "james" is super murdery but mostly they were chill

wow that scene was so weird and comical and low-stakes that this sudden jump to "oh no now you're super gonna get murdered by this james guy who's now the main villain" thing feels incredibly forced and non-compelling

also this Tricking Bella's Dad To Be Safe scene is a weird combination of "very unconvincing" and "hella convincing" because her dad's actor is really good and selling that tragic relationship breakdown really well but bella's acting is purposefully more stilted than normal

we met james like five minutes ago and suddenly he's the main threat

rosalie is the only non-antagonist who didn't instantly fall in love with bella and it's so jarringly unjustified it almost seems like the author couldn't conceive of a realistic reason for anyone to not like her

oh noooooo the bad guy got her moooooom finally a plot development with actually high stakes

hey isn't clumsiness one of bella's three character traits? seems an odd combination with a childhood full of ballet classes

this vampire really went to all that trouble to edit together a fake audio tape when it straight-up would've been simpler and easier to kidnap her mom

I know james is a murdery tracker thrill-of-the-hunt man but why is he also some weird torturey artist sadist man, those are two distinct villain archetypes for a reason

oh noooo, bella's turning into a vampire, that'd…… solve a lot of problems, actually

see, getting bit by a vampire who then stops before they drain you completely is very bad, as it turns you into a vampire. So we had Edward bite Bella and then stop before he drained her completely, which fixed everything.

I'm glad Victoria survived, she's the only bad guy I really liked, possibly because she looks awesome and also didn't have enough lines to spoil that first impression

okay I kinda like bella's dad and edward stiffly sitting across from each other waiting for bella to come down for prom - a rare case where the awkwardness in everyone's performance feels intentional

movie forgot jacob was important til now, shoehorned in at the last second to foreshadow that sweet love triangle

that prom photo setup sucks, the whole line of promgoers is visible in the background of every shot

god how are there ten more minutes

look can you really blame bella for wanting to become an ageless sexy superhuman, despite all your whining there really seem to be no downsides

side note, I'm still mad the climax of this vampire movie took place in a room full of mirrors and went out of its way to show they have reflections

well, that happened