Thread by @OSPyoutube

all right my dudes I'm apparently not getting any work done tonight so the only question is should I watch and livetweet the third twilight movie -R

yea that sounds about right

All three of these movies so far have described "a string of mysterious killings~" as a major subplot, when really all that means is like… one dude we don't know gets murked about twenty minutes into the movie and is never brought up again

welp, opening scene where this blonde dude gets harassed at superspeed and bitten by a vampire is pretty spooky and well-shot, but then they just HAD to cut straight into monotone narration

why is bella bothering to focus on schoolwork if she's scheduled to become an immortal superbadass in like a year

this "marry me" "turn me into a vampire" "if you marry me" convo feels… uncomfortable? bella's right, it's coercion, but it's coercive on both ends - they're bargaining with each other's futures

charlie continues to be the only fleshed-out character in this series, concerned about his daughter's stunted social life and suggesting she hang out with more people than just her bf

edward sabotages bella's truck to keep her from hanging out with jacob??

"After all, how many times are we gonna graduate highschool?"

now this is the kind of cheeky vampire in-joke I can tolerate! I forget what this dude's name is but he's still my favorite vampire

so I'm guessing the blonde dude from the opener is now a fledgling vampire killing uncontrollably, which could be neat

okay this is distracting, in this movie between the sideburns and the golden eyes pattinson seriously looks exactly how I'd expect a werewolf to look and it's completely throwing me off

Bella's mom is also a well-handled, well-acted character and I dig it

so they're touching on how bella won't be able to see her parents when she goes vampiric, but I feel like she hasn't really processed how an eternal cursed unlife will gradually deprive her of everyone she loves except her vampire brood as they live out mortal lifespans

hey, the superspeed effects have gotten better

this vampire chase is genuinely cool to watch, shame it's only a sub-subplot to the Sizzling Romance

wait did they recast the evil redhead vampire lady

hey edward knows he doesn't HAVE to turn her into a vampire, right? he doesn't need to deprive her of her mortality and her future with her parents? and if it's so galling to him, he should stop trying to use it to coerce her into marriage??

I still really, really hate how they did the werewolves in these movies, but I kinda love how most of them are super friendly with Bella and are ragging on Jacob for his nonstop internal whingeing about the love triangle

ahh, "imprinting"! a favorite tool of romance writers desperate to force a relationship between two characters with no discernible chemistry or reason to like one another. a soulmate by any other name I guess

Jacob is entirely right to be concerned that bella's gonna become a vampire before she's even had a chance to experience anything beyond highschool but I still really hate how they're doing the "werewolf ragemonster" thing to make him seem dangerous

All the vampires suddenly have the all-black murder-eyes in this scene and nobody's addressing it but nobody's acting like they're feeling particularly murdery so I'm feeling a bit confused about the mechanics here

so last movie, the thing powering the love triangle was "Edward and the gang left so Bella's alone to hang out with Jake", and this movie it's "Edward and the gang are stuck hunting vampires so Bella's alone to hang out with Jake"

Edward and Jacob are both in agreement that Bella shouldn't become a vampire and if they weren't forced to clash at every possible moment they could maybe have a conversation about this

Wait wait wait. Now they say the Quileutes were able to turn into wolves before they ever dealt with any vampires. Like, it's explicit in their lore-drop. But that contradicts the lore in the last movie, where vampire presence causes them to be able to change

"Our magic awakens when the Cold Ones are near." wait what the fuck WHAT IS THE TRIGGER CONDITION

also bold move for Meyers to have her native american character say that their only problem these days is vampires

everything about this army of fledgling vampires is nice and creepy! I wish the plot were more about that and less about the Sizzling Love Triangle

yes edward, turning your girlfriend into a cursed undead creature of the night just so you can be with her forever IS very morally dubious, and the fact that both of you seem to think this is automatically true love forever really just betrays that you're both VERY highschool

oh jacob, the correct response to a rejection is NOT "I don't buy it", and the real unfortunate part about this is the relationships are so flat and chemistry-less that I literally cannot tell if bella DOES feel something for jacob or if it's all him

"I kissed Bella. And she broke her hand. Punching my face. Total misunderstanding."

ahh it took three movies but rosalie finally gets to explain her dealio

oh wow rosalie's tragic backstory is Effed Up but damn do I respect the part where she hunted down the dudes who did that to her one by one

HOW is this tragic vampire stuff of lost possibilities and dead futures so well-written and fully explored without it EVER having any real influence the MAIN ROMANTIC PLOT

what 👏 is 👏 the 👏 villain's 👏 plan 👏 here

valedictorian speeches in movies are always amazingly relevant to the hero's internal struggles

although I'm concerned that the lesson Bella took from "make mistakes cuz nothing's permanent" is "turn into a vampire permanently asap"

the rivalry between vampires and werewolves is aeons old and steeped in oceans of blood, and nothing could possibly bring them together except endangering one small-town brunette

all the compelling character dynamics are stored in the secondary characters. why do I have to focus on these three goobers instead

mmmmmkay. why make Jasper a confederate.

like that's a deliberate and unnecessary narrative choice. his backstory beyond that is just all about being drafted into some horrible vampire army. I get nuanced backstories are dope, it just feels like this one is just dropped and then glossed over

"yea it was a pretty tough time in my life, but meeting Alice really turned it around, and I know in my long-dead heart that the south shall rise again so 😌"

wow I can't believe the bad guy was secretly the bad guy behind the mysterious army of bad guys

mmm the subtext of that classic vampire anti-native-american-werewolf racism stinks a lot worse with the addition of this casual confederate background, as if I didn't have enough reasons to be uncomfortable with this whole situation

jacob attempts to explain the concept of polyamory to bella, who naturally assumes it's a Werewolf Thing

seems like everything in this movie is convincingly persuading bella to NOT rush into vampirism and an eternal marriage with her first-ever boyfriend, but I have insider information about how this series ends, so

noooo bella… we can't bone…… my vampire muscles are Too Stronk……… we must wait until Vampire Marriage…………

oh I see, "I'll turn you into a vampire if you marry me" is coercion, but "If you bone me I'll let you buy me a car, send me to a pricey college and marry me" is fiiiiine

noooo bella… we can't bone premaritally…… I want to protect your Virtue……… I must court you first…………

isn't there some kickass vampire ultimate showdown happening right now I could be watching instead

oh NOW she accepts the proposal. you know what they say, sixty-fourth time's the charm. just stay persistent, lads, no matter how many times she turns you down - unless you're Jacob, Jacob can go fuck himself

does bella have a reason to NOT tell jacob she's engaged now? is she straight-up just stringing him along?

am I the idiot for assuming "jacob should carry bella" was going to mean "bella rides a kickass giant wolf" and not "jacob awkwardly bridal-carries bella at a slow jog"

oh nooooooo bella is cooooold I guess she has nooooo choiiiice but to snuggle with jacooooob

jacob and edward have no reason to fight except over bella, making this another love triangle easily solvable through polyamory

I think this movie fails the reverse bechdel test, edward and jacob are having a deep conversation but it's all about what's good for bella

when bella's asleep and there's no need to posture, these dudes are getting along fine and finding common ground

"If we weren't natural enemies, and you weren't trying to steal my reason for existing, I might actually like you"
"Well, if you weren't planning on sucking the life out of the girl I love, I might…"

oooooo boi everything about this "jacob finds out she's marrying edward" scene

Look Jacob should really recognize that Bella made her decision a full movie ago but Bella needs to stop straight-up leading him on by leveraging his affection for her instead of dealing with him honestly

so bella DOES love them both! if only there had been ANY chemistry indicating that

this "vampire army" is like, two dozen people, and they're all going down in one hit

riley has no reason to believe what edward's saying victoria's really thinking, because he hasn't done anything to prove to him he can actually read thoughts

wow he went out like a punk, never mind

edward wasn't even the one who killed james, he was busy nearly killing bella

as I recall, Alice is the one who literally ripped off his head, maybe Victoria should try going after Jasper

last movie edward got bounced around a cathedral for like five straight minutes and only got very slightly cracked

victoria got bit, fell over and her head dropped off

I was wondering when we were gonna get the Obligatory Dramatic Injury, but since it was Jacob, obviously he got instantly sidelined so more vampire drama could take center stage

"It appears we missed an entertaining fight."

they just let the volturi kill that last fledgling?? fuckin dick move

wow they really half-assed this Dramatic Injury Scene, straight 6/10 at best. I'll have you know I'm a viewer with very high standards

sometimes I'm like "jacob needs to chill out with this true love thing" and then I remember he's sixteen and everything makes sense again

Dramatic Injury Scenes are absolutely perfect settings for romantic feelings-baring due to the inherent uncertainty and drama of the situation, so making this just more of the same "oo I like you and you like me but I like being a vampire more" is SQUANDERED POTENTIAL

edward, why on earth would you EVER conclude that bella's problem is she's "trying to make everyone else happy"?? bella's decisions are a nonstop parade of inconveniences for everyone else, including you

"I've never felt normal. Because I'm not normal. I don't wanna be."

congrats bella, that's a universal experience, it's called being a human person and the solution is supportive friendgroups and shared interests, not vampirism

my goodness that was mediocre

straight-up, has ANYONE ever been like "I'm normal. I'm a very normal person. Stereotypial social situations make perfect sense to me. I enjoy the top 100, understand modern fashion and fit comfortably in all social expectations imposed on me. I'm normal and I'm proud of it!"

maybe if Bella socialized more she'd recognize that her choices in life are not limited to "ideal vanilla normalcy" and "a bloodthirsty eternity as a soulless creature of the night"

Bella: yea I've just never felt like I fit in anywhere so I'm gonna marry my highschool sweetheart the second I graduate and stay with him exclusively for the rest of our lives, because that's really breaking the mold
Friend #1: cool. I'm gay
Bella:

That movie felt like a whole lot of buildup with no payoff. And again, that might be because this romantic superplot may as well be TV static for how compelling I'm finding it, but overall, while less of a non-story than the last one, it was still Not Good.