Thread by @law_ninja

I thought I knew a lot about gender justice. I have been trying to do my bit through lots of initiatives at my end, such as free legal helpline for victims of sexual blackmail, writing how-to blogposts for women who need legal help in a host of issues...

that are read by thousands of people every day, and supporting feminist causes wherever I could.

And so I assumed that I am beyond misogyny and sexism. How can anyone question me? I was not willing to consider or reflect on my own behaviour.

So when I was called out for doing an inappropriate webinar and called sexist, I was bewildered. Sexist? Who, me? Do you know what all I have been doing last 10 years to support women's fight for equality?

HOW CAN YOU CALL ME SEXIST? HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SEXIST?

That was my first reaction, and this delusion caused me to get hysterical, I see now clearly, when someone called me out.

In the last 48 hours (I am shocked that it all these happened so fast), I went through several stages, helped by criticism, some really good friends, amazing colleagues who either stood by me with love and unconditional support and others who made me question my own behaviour

... and patiently heard my frustrations about how I don't get what I did so wrong!

I will describe the stages of state of mind I went through.

First I was in denial. I did not think that I did anything wrong. I felt like these people hate me and are attacking me with some ulterior motive.

Second, I wanted to defend my stance. They are just trying to humiliate me. I need to explain where I came from.

See, my intention was so good! Give me some points for it.

Then I started finding faults in the criticism. Here, you misquoted me. There, you are overreacting. This person already hated me so now she is taking advantage of this, etc.

Then came a stage when I began to see some things I did wrong. But I was still not ready to concede that I went totally wrong. I wanted to apologize for some things, and then I wanted to explain away other things and hold on to some positions.

It must have been super frustrating for those who were trying to help me at this point, such as Abhyuday Agarwal, and several wonderful female colleagues to understand why I need to unconditionally apologize.

But anyway, I guess I process a lot through writing. I started writing why I should apologize to Avanti, and first I could find only one reason. That I shouted at her and didn't let her speak.

Then one conversation at a time, trying to write down my thoughts and reading some of the really smart and articulate criticism I received, and with some time to process it, I realized where I went wrong.

I was sexist. I may not be as sexist as someone else, but I was not even recognizing misogyny where it stared at me in my face. I was only thinking in terms of event management, and being politically correct.

Whatever my intentions were, the webinar propagated further sexism, and clearly that also to some men who are lonely and desperate will learn all that sexism.

My priorities were entirely wrong too. Freedom of Speech is great, but sometimes there may be multiple causes involved.

Here it was freedom of speech to propagate sexist tropes v. dignity of women, and I chose the wrong side and defended it with zeal.

My courage and conviction to deal with difficult conversations took me in a direction that I did not recognize at all.

And I am lucky to be called out immediately, and all the criticism that forced me to eventually reflect.

It may sound strange to you that I am not mortified to be talk of the town for wrong reasons, and being branded a sexist everywhere...

but I am glad that I have begun to take a hard look at where I faltered, and that I am indeed a sexist still, only I am going in the right direction.

Being on the right side is not a one time action, not even regular contributions to a cause - it is looking at yourself setting aside your delusions of already being on the right side, and subjecting yourself to honest reflections.

There is no way I could achieve this without all of you who called me out, harshly criticized, or had enough love and respect for me to talk me through it. All of it helped me to get my head out of my ass.

And I dare say it is not all done. I will have to keep reflecting on my behaviour as a process and acknowledge that I probably have much more to discover about my own misogyny.

I am sorry I took up so much energy and time of all of you, but really, thank you from the bottom of my heart, that you cared, that you didn't give up on me and didn't let me sit with my delusions and justifications.

Well done, my friends. Well done, universe. I am grateful for this evolution.

And please do not take my word for it.

Please continue to subject me to criticism and education, as lovingly or as harshly as you wish to.

This feels amazing. To be open, honest, transparent, vulnerable.

What do we have to lose apart from our weakness? This was a true miracle, to get this much attention from so many amazing people who helped me along to way to be a better human beings. I hit jackpot.

Unconditional apology to the whole universe, but please don't let me off the hook, and continue to subject me to criticism.

And I am not quitting guys, no matter what you say. I have a lot to do at LawSikho, and I would use the platform to push the right agenda.

Look forward to your suggestions on how we can use our webinars to educate more people like me.

Do save this post and share it with other men who may be struggling to accept their sexism and therefore unable to mover forward.

Tell them it feels amazing when you are done letting go of your excuses and defences.