Thread by @letsbeKHAlear

I slept on it. Prayed on it. And I think it’s my time to share my story.

Some of you might know me from my work at Refinery29, where I largely wrote about Black beauty. A lot of you don’t know the story behind those stories. (Thread) #blackatR29

I was hired as a Beauty Writer in 2017… a “natural hair writer,” specifically, is what I was told during my interviews. I was too young and too eager to realize that I was signing up to be tokenized.

Ofc, I was thrilled to be writing content for and about Black women. So when I accepted my offer and my $52k salary at Refinery, I thought that I’d be doing ~the work~. I didn’t know that the power that I was supposed to see, feel, and claim would be taken away from me.

I didn’t know that this brand — one that champions women — was rife with mean girls.

If you’ve never been tokenized, it’s like this: as a kid, I was allowed to play in our front yard, but only within the confines of our gate. Other kids wanted to play, but I couldn’t go past the gate, even though I so desperately wanted to. This is how I felt at R29. Fenced in.

I loved my beat, but I wanted to take advantage of the “diverse storytelling” that the brand prides itself on. When I’d ask for more responsibility, or when I’d try to attend events and take brand meetings to learn more about beauty, I was all but discouraged from doing so.

My growth was stunted with redundant roundups and faux outraged hot takes that I was encouraged to write.

And ofc, there were cliques. I constantly observed some of my fellow writers and senior editors talk recklessly via Slack and Gchat when they thought no one was watching. They teased the quality of other people’s work, writing speed, their ideas, and even the site’s 67% Project.

On a colleague’s 1st day of work, an editor shared a draft of the new writer’s first story w members of another team, poking fun at her writing skills. The writer is a WOC. The editors are white. I can only imagine what was said about my work when my back was turned.

It’s funny. The same editors who are hashtagging #BlackLivesMatter this week never showed much interest in systematic racism before (one editor said she wanted to dress up as a “protesting NFL player” for Halloween, solely as an excuse to try a new eyeliner).

The same editors who want to #amplifymelanatedvoices wanted to restrict mine.

Soon, I began second-guessing everything that I did, wore, wrote, pitched, & said. For the first time in my life, I experienced anxiety attacks. One was so bad that I had to take myself to the ER, fearing that I was experiencing a heart attack. I was losing my voice and my mind.

I still wanted to prove myself worthy, and tried going out for a promotion when a senior writer role opened up. I was denied because I “wasn’t ready.” So I left. Not before I was locked out of content documents for fear that I’d steal ideas. Lol

And even after I left, the microaggressions continued. I hadn’t even finished my first week at my new job before an old manager emailed me, demanding that I remove an embedded photo (of myself! on my Instagram! that I owned!) from a video shoot that I did at R29. Like.....?

I'm not sharing my story for the sake of spilling tea, though this was cathartic. I'm sharing bc the performative activism I've been seeing all week feels so opportunistic. You can’t amplify melanated voices when you don't care about the people behind them. (Fin)

Wow. I didn’t expect this thread to blow up the way that it did. I’m saddened to see how many of you can relate to this. Hopefully, my story and the #blackatr29 stories serve as a catalyst for change across industries. And hopefully, you feel empowered to tell your stories, too.

My DMs are open if you need a listening ear. Especially for young Black journalists who struggle w navigating the nuances of the newsroom. I didn’t lean on mentors the way I should have, which is why the experience I described was so difficult. I’m here for y’all if u need me ♥️

Thank you to all of my new followers! I’m an inconsistent tweeter, but I look forward to connecting w y’all. I’m way more active on Insta: instagram.com/letsbekhalear/…. & if you’d like to keep up with my current work, I’m now Beauty Editor of @thezoereport: thezoereport.com/beauty

Honored to be able to #amplifyblackvoices like my writer @BlakeLawren’s. Please read her open letter to the beauty industry — one that has remained eerily silent, despite profiting off Black customers and our aesthetics. thezoereport.com/p/im-a-black-b…

Also, consider donating to a bail fund on this fine Sunday. You can split your donations to various cities/racial justice funds here. secure.actblue.com/donate/bail_fu…

Finally, #blacklivesmatter. Then, now, today, tomorrow, and always. ✊🏿