Before I started comedy I taught #SexEducation, going into schools teaching about relationships, boundaries, puberty, that kind of thing.
When I say "going into schools", I was invited. I didn't just stand in the playground with a banana & a condom talking to kids about sex!
When I say "going into schools", I was invited. I didn't just stand in the playground with a banana & a condom talking to kids about sex!
Hearing this, someone recently asked, "if you catch #CoronaVirus from a lover does that make it an STI?"
I said "no". Banging your head during sex wouldn’t mean a headache was an STI...actually in some relationships a headache could really be considered a form of contraception!
I said "no". Banging your head during sex wouldn’t mean a headache was an STI...actually in some relationships a headache could really be considered a form of contraception!
Thinking about this encounter, I was reminded of stuff the kids would ask.
In the spirit of “there’s no such things as a stupid question” we'd encourage them to ask anything, and to keep it anonymous they'd write it on a scrap of paper so no-one knew who asked the question.
In the spirit of “there’s no such things as a stupid question” we'd encourage them to ask anything, and to keep it anonymous they'd write it on a scrap of paper so no-one knew who asked the question.
And whatever the question, provided it was age-appropriate, we'd answer it; without judgement...
...well, maybe with a little judgement, but only because we knew some of the questions were probably put in the box so the kids could get grown ups to say "naughty" words!
...well, maybe with a little judgement, but only because we knew some of the questions were probably put in the box so the kids could get grown ups to say "naughty" words!
I used to talk about this on stage, so sadly the original scraps of paper have long since disintegrated, but for anyone interested here are some genuine questions asked to me by children between the ages of 10-18.
Apologies for any bad language...you have been warned!
Apologies for any bad language...you have been warned!
"Can sperm kill a woman?"
I don't know...like, maybe? It could be a choking hazard!
I don't know...like, maybe? It could be a choking hazard!
"Should I be able to fit a tennis ball up my arse?”
SHOULD you be able to?
"I’ve tried for 3 terms, all my friends can do it. Why can’t I?”
Why start with a tennis ball? They’re big! Ping Pong balls are smaller. Squash balls? Golf balls? And they’re ribbed for your pleasure!
SHOULD you be able to?
"I’ve tried for 3 terms, all my friends can do it. Why can’t I?”
Why start with a tennis ball? They’re big! Ping Pong balls are smaller. Squash balls? Golf balls? And they’re ribbed for your pleasure!
"Can you have sex with a bum?"
You can…I think they prefer it if you just buy them a cup of tea. That’s all I’ve ever been asked for.
You can…I think they prefer it if you just buy them a cup of tea. That’s all I’ve ever been asked for.
"I heard that this girl I know did anal with her boyfriend, and apparently he tapped her back and she pooed on his dick!
…
Is this correct?"
I don’t know because I wasn’t there. It may be correct.
…
Is this correct?"
I don’t know because I wasn’t there. It may be correct.
"I fancy my teacher, is this ok?"
I looked at the teacher...it was not ok!
I looked at the teacher...it was not ok!
“Is having sex with an animal always bad?”
I didn't know how to answer that question. I didn't know if they meant morally, or if they were asking if I knew which animals would be good at sex!
There are 7!
I didn't know how to answer that question. I didn't know if they meant morally, or if they were asking if I knew which animals would be good at sex!
There are 7!
"Is cum fattening. I’m really trying to watch my weight."
"Is it wrong for a man to have sex with another man?"
I mean...I’m working, so it’s not ideal!
I mean...I’m working, so it’s not ideal!
"How long does it take to have sex?"
Speaking from experience...
Speaking from experience...
"Serious question – how do you quit touching yourself? It’s taking over my life!"
Serious answer, "yes". Now stop touching yourself, I’m trying to teach a class!
Serious answer, "yes". Now stop touching yourself, I’m trying to teach a class!
"Does a penis only go into the vagina?”
If you ask any of my exes it does!
If you ask any of my exes it does!
"I found a dildo in my mum’s bedroom. Does this mean she has an unhappy marriage?"
This still remains one of the funniest, and at the same time most heartbreaking questions I was ever asked.
This still remains one of the funniest, and at the same time most heartbreaking questions I was ever asked.
"If you put sweets up your vagina, will it smell/taste nicer?”
"What happens if the woman you have sex with doesn’t have eggs?”
You’ll have to make her something else for breakfast!
You’ll have to make her something else for breakfast!
"How can you tell if sex has failed?”
"Does a vagina open when a baby is born?”
Yes. And then it closes up again, for about 6-9 months.
Yes. And then it closes up again, for about 6-9 months.
"Has anyone ever told you that you sound like David Mitchell from Peep Show?"
Yes. He's my cousin*!
*He's not my cousin, but there's potentially a whole generation of sex-confused children who think he is!
Yes. He's my cousin*!
*He's not my cousin, but there's potentially a whole generation of sex-confused children who think he is!
"If adult films are 18+ does that mean I can’t watch a home video of myself having sex for 2 years?”
"How do you get twins?"
That’s interesting, actually. The trick is, you’ve got to chat them up separately. If they find out about each other, they’ll probably both reject you.
That’s interesting, actually. The trick is, you’ve got to chat them up separately. If they find out about each other, they’ll probably both reject you.
And this question I never had answer for, but the sheer prose of it always fills me with joy when I think back to it:
"It is dangerous to have sex in a bed if the owner of the bed is known to have a limited knowledge of the Complete Works of Oscar Wilde?"
"It is dangerous to have sex in a bed if the owner of the bed is known to have a limited knowledge of the Complete Works of Oscar Wilde?"
