Thread by @QuinceMountain

I haven’t talked about #qditarod because it just hasn’t been the time for me. But when I arrived in UNK in heat of day, supporters said, “keep going, or they’ll withdraw you.” I couldnt. I promised the dogs rest, and it didn’t feel right. Our trust means more than any race judge.

https://twitter.com/QuinceMountain/status/1275844028324610049

Now I am crying you guys. I’m literally crying even typing about #qditarod. Because those dogs are amazing. Every single step of the way, they were confident and present and trusting. I wanted to travel with them forever. It has been one of the greatest joys of my life.

I thought we’d have down moments. I thought down moments were normal for any challenging undertaking whatsoever. I would have accepted that we’d be tired sometimes, etc. I kept waiting. But every step of the way, they wanted to see what was next. I couldn’t believe it. #qditarod

I was so sick starting the race that were it anything short of Iditarod, I truly wouldn’t have started. I was crawling between dogs bootying and rubbing, the first few checkpoints. Didn’t think I’d make it to Rainy, but felt I had to try as long as I physically could. #qditarod

Those dogs got me through. They got me through sickness and exhaustion all the way through McGrath, where I tried to put on a good face despite being sick. I -did- start to feel better after that, but my own exhaustion/illness had slowed the team. #qditarod

I think my big mistake was putting on a goofy face, trying to make fun of myself. Self-deprecation doesn’t seem to translate in the AK racing scene, at least for me. I acted like I was cool, laughing, hanging out. Meanwhile I couldn’t leave the vicinity of the bathroom. #qditarod

So I overstayed. And I just kind of acted like it was no big deal because... what would my personal drama do for the team? #qditarod

But I think on several levels it was an image management failure. #qditarod

I think when you’re trans in cis spaces and especially when you’re outspoken or even confident... people, consciously or not, fear you’re making a fool of them. #qditarod

I do not think this is overt transphobia. It’s just a fact, like gravity. #qditarod

So I was thinking “run your own race. Do what’s best for your dogs.” #qditarod

And I neglected to perform the correct humility. I performed a kind of self-deprecation, but it was the -wrong- kind. Instead of jokey/casual (while I was sick af) I should’ve done “I am new here, I feel so sick and cannot go on without help what can I do??” #qditarod

To be clear, I don’t think a single musher in the race who was around me judged me in any kind of detrimental way. #qditarod

The stories I could tell, things that would be a big deal, would be THE story in any other race... the trail is full of problems, and mushers work together. That is a big lesson of Iditarod. No one is out there grooming a perfect trail or helping. It’s mushers and dogs. #qditarod

I encountered a musher whose sled was hanging off the side of a cliff. His dogs on one side (relatively chill, tbh) his sled on the other, utterly stuck. Normally, that would be a story. In iditarod, it was a moment. Mushers came behind me; we all helped; we moved on. #qditarod

The team and I got through those technical sections, we got all the way to the coast—even faster than Bler and team had the previous session. Would’ve been faster if not for my own illness, faster if I were more experienced... #qditarod

I have zero doubt we could’ve made it to Nome. None.

After the race was cut short, I considered continuing, asking Bler or someone to snowmachine behind for support, flying home from nome... #qditarod

The marshall pointed out the PR nightmare that this would be for the race. I considered whether it was my own ego or the team that made so determined about pressing on. Yes, I wanted the dogs to get that finish. But ultimately, dogs adapt. The right thing was to stop. #qditarod

So I think it was weird when peoples tone in speaking with me was consoling or pitiful. It felt so disjointed. I felt so completely amazed by and proud of the team. And, frankly, amazed that I’d overcome the toughest challenges of the race while incredibly weak. #qditarod

Like, I didn’t feel bad. But people were telling me, “don’t feel bad. You did great!” It felt like maybe -they- felt bad. But they didn’t get it. How could they possibly? I don’t know how anyone who hasn’t done this could get it.

It felt kinda lonely. #qditarod

So I didn’t tell the story bc I didn’t know -how- to tell the story. How to do justice to the spirit of the dogs on my team and the spirit of the #uglydogs who got me there and of @BarbRaymie Redington who set us all up for success to an extent that still blows my mind. #qditarod

Bler understood completely, I think. We could talk like we had a new shared language. A language I had been conversational in before, but now felt fluent. I felt that with every musher who was out there on the trail with me. #qditarod

I felt like @OtterRunKennel understood & they were a complete rock, having my back the whole season. Shit happens, you get sick, there’s a wreck, bad weather, etc. But I always felt inspired by them to do what to my knowledge was best for my dog team.

I did that.

#qditarod

I wanted to take a couple days and hole up and immediately write everything I could remember. I wanted to tell you all the story. Selfishly, I wanted to feel less lonely—but I wanted to share the joy, too. Y’all deserve it. You brought that joy. #uglydogs #qditarod

Obviously the pandemic became the pressing concern basically from the moment we stepped off the plane. I wanted to sit and write, but there was no time—we had to cross the border—and the headspace quickly disappeared. #qditarod

(@ZachHughesNews was the last non-Bler human I hugged—still to this day—and I felt like he somehow held space for me, even amidst what must’ve been an incredibly intense time for him as a reporter. Thank you, Zach. That memory is a mini miracle to me. ♥️) #qditarod

By the way, the earlier part I wrote about being “even faster than Bler” and the team the previous season—I meant that I had the benefit of her experience and counsel. @BlairBraverman contributed tremendously to my preparation both mentally & physically. We were a team. #qditarod

(Also, having the incredible snowy trail I had and the cold weather, I have a totally new level of awe at how Bler and the team ran the course in a year of bare ground and rain and heat. Fucking yuck. Those dogs are incredible.) #Qditarod

I also want to comment that being faceblind at an event like Iditarod sucks. There were judges I didn’t know were judged, #uglydogs I didn’t know were ugly dogs... the challenges are real, y’all. I very much felt your love—sometimes belatedly. #qditarod

I had cheesecake. I had a special custom marathon podcast. I had @SkikuAk kids greetibg me at odd hours as we rolled into villages. And don’t think for a minute I didn’t eat the shit out of that pizza in Unalakleet. Ate half, slept, ate the other half, slept. #uglydogs #Qditarod

A weird thing for me was that I felt stronger after a certain point as the race went on. I felt like a different person in Unalakleet than I was in McGrath (even after my 24). Being sick at the beginning did that I guess. By the time I got to UNK, I had great energy. #Qditarod

And a lesson I learned...
The race wanted me to bring the dogs to the drop dog/airport area STAT, prolly so we didn’t try to go to Nome.

I felt resistant bc I didn’t want to make them get up after only 45 min of rest, even just to jog a mile or whatever and rest again. #qditarod

But when I loaded up the sled to go to the airport, I did not have to work to get them going. Holy duckballs did they want to run. Three of us were trying to hold them back. 45 min or so rest in the heat of the day! @BarbRaymie dogs are 🔥💪🏻🔥. #Qditarod

So maybe we could’ve just kept going to the shelter cabin, & MAYBE I would’ve finished the race with the #elim11. Maybe even with 14 dogs...

But that fantasy isn’t reality.

The reality is that they ran to the airport. And I could not have been prouder nor more amazed. #Qditarod

I learned a hundred things out there, and I don’t see how any school could’ve taught me.

I learned that image management is important—even in a dog race. (This is a lesson I’ve learned over and again, I’m not neurotypical and it’s hard for me to grasp how this works)

#Qditarod

In McGrath ate a hamburger, made a joke of going “ to the bar”—where I ate a burger with Grayson/vols/fans. I was in no way whatsoever on a drinking bender, but I thought “who POSSIBLY could drink during this race??” And just joked around and laughed. #Qditarod

I had to switch my gear, including my tracker, from one sled to another. So I had it with me, and it tracked me to the bar, which I thought was kinda hilarious... #Qditarod

Like, I thought y’all noticed and it was funny.

In retrospect... Not Funny. Don’t make jokes when you’re sleep deprived, Q!

(I know you tried to make me go to bed @KathieEllaB, I love you and I’m sorry.) #Qditarod

We’d been told that having a beer or whatever someone gave you during race was fine, but don’t actually drink drink...

Easy for me—not a big drinker.

So it didn’t occur to me the race marshall might face questions about me “going to a bar” to have a burger with fans.

#Qditarod

And, the marshall was 150% reasonable about this. He just asked what was up with being tracked to bar; I told him I switched sleds, etc; and he said it was all good, but why was I overstaying my 24?

#qditarod

At that point, i made things complicated for myself. Because unlike Grayson, I had a large group of highly engaged fans watching (I SERIOUSLY LOVE YOU #UGLYDOGS), so they get questions about me in a different way, even if others do the same thing. #iditarod

This was a weird thing bc I

A. Didnt understand pandemic severity at all, tho I did talk briefly with Bler who tried to explain

B. Jokingly called out dude who mightve been a judge later in the course (?? I’m faceblind & still don’t know) for being “why so serious?”

#Qditarod

To clarify, those were two separate events. I joked with the “so serious” dude bc he wasn’t laughing at my (what I thought was hilarious/heroic) breakfast comedy routine (while I was trying to hide diarrhea fear). It was literally crowdwork. #Qditarod

I felt really bad bc I had assured @warmheatherette & @mavdogs & @KathieEllaB that I was planning to try to leave on time. So they got up & trekked across town... I already knew by then I was going nowhere fast, but i didn’t want to share the personal illness specifics. #qditarod

There was no good way to get ahold of them at 3am to day “hey don’t come out super early,” and I felt like I was just waiting/hoping to feel okay about leaving bathroom area and didn’t want to share TMI. So I tried to just act chill and have breakfast. #qditarod

Now, keep in mind that sleep-deprived Dennis K (❤️) was incoherently ranting, Jeremy had turned back to mush home, Nic had had a whole bunch of drama... I still had a few guys behind me.

I felt like I was being calm, sane, what my dogs needed, trying to laugh. #Qditarod

People always say, “Run your own race. Do what your dogs need.” It’s axiomatic.

But what my dogs needed was a musher with credibility.

#Qditarod

I’m a person who, through no decisions, exudes a weird kind of calm in a crisis. I tend to lose facial expressions altogether. Things move in slow motion. I have distant perspective. I see irony and laugh. #Qditarod

This kind of slow-mo calm is an asset when I’m responding to a multi vehicle car wreck or when my truck is on fire or when a thief is pointing his rifle at my head at close range. All of those, I’ve been... strangely super calm. #Qditarod

It’s also an asset when I’m writing or reporting. Perspective is good. Get away from biases and judgments and just observe. #Qditarod

But picture me, matter-of-fact, addressing questions from race judges (who I don’t know at the time are race judges bc I’m faceblind), earnest, calm. “I will leave as soon as I feel ready. I’m enjoying my coffee.”—that kind of shit. #Qditarod

Now -I- know that I’m in a dog sled race and that it’s a very very big deal. But I also know it will be counterproductive to leave if I’m doubled over with abdominal cramps and shitting my only snowpants in subzero weather. #Qditarod

But I’ve always heard: Run your own race. Dogs first. Dont let yourself get to the point you can’t give your dogs top care.

I tend to take things super literally, especially when they’re repeated over and again for years by authority figures whose experience I respect. #Qditarod

So I’m just not worried about “what people think”—except that I feel bad I wasn’t able to contact Susan and Heather and Kathie and they got out of bed at like 4am and put on all their gear to watch me sit in a chair. #Qditarod

So I’m trying to, like, sit down with them and at least have a good time.

Something that the marshall would later say he “doesn’t give a fuck about”—& rightly so, except that the words meant to me that he kind of does give a fuck & resents it—also rightly so.

#qditarod

Because a race marshall should not at all be having to think about the public relations of particular mushers during a race. It shouldn’t be his job. There should be separate people paid well and happy to handle that part. #Qditarod

This all probably feels OBVIOUS to many of y’all. And if it does, maybe just let it wash over and help you understand how someone who doesn’t pick up easily/naturally on social cues (me) struggles in a situation like this. #Qditarod

Like, technically, I’m doing the “ right” things. Making the best of my illness. Being (what I think is) cordial and accommodating and grateful toward fans and volunteers. And, above all, waiting to leave til I am confident I can care for my dogs as best as possible. #Qditarod

and in my own mind, I’m maybe even congratulating myself, even as I feel fearful about my illness/race.

Because I’m not making it anyone else’s problem. (So I think.)

And I’m not “acting out” like some of my friends mushing around me. #Qditarod

Dennis is frostbit badly with black hands, on Skype with doctor, crying. Nic is gonna scratch, then not gonna scratch, then racing his team through the streets of McGrath being upset no timer was around. Jeremy, Jim... major struggles.

I am a relative bastion of calm.

#Qditarod

But this is only in -my- mind.

Because the judges know, and fans who are there know, this is a Big Deal. And I’m... not leaving. I’m acting like it’s not a big deal.

That seems -insane-.

#Qditarod

In my mind, it’s completely reasonable: why would I make my illness anyone else’s problem?

To some of those around me, it’s awful: he’s acting so chill while his race collapses. He does not care. He does not respect this race/the sport/my contribution.

#Qditarod

But for me to show my true emotions—or even to find them, sometimes—it takes so much work. And I’m tired & sick which makes me even LESS likely to do that work. It’s not a default for me. My emotions aren’t something I have to cover; they’re something I have to dig up. #Qditarod

(To be continued...)