Thread by @Ishikawa_Sachi

We don't get to police the harm we've inflicted on others.

This is a thread about accountability, apologies, and growth.

Good people make bad decisions. Good people fuck up. The people we love who wouldn't hurt a fly will accidentally hurt other people - that's a fact.

And that's okay.

What's sticky is what comes *after* we've been called out.

We need to apologize. An "I'm sorry *if* I hurt you" isn't an apology, btw. And neither is an "I'm sorry (insert long paragraph about me-me-me-me-me)." And "I'm sorry but" is especially bad.

"But Sachi, then what are we supposed to say?!"

"I'm sorry. There is no excuse for XXX and despite having good intentions, I realize that my YYY hurt you. I understand and will work hard and educate myself so that I don't make ZZZ mistake ever again."

works as a template, I guess.

We don't add conditionals to our apologies. We don't justify them - we can clarify what we *intended* to say, but we need to acknowledge what we *actually* said instead.

Intentions mean nothing without the proper delivery.

We can execute the best apology in the world, choose our words carefully, and become the best version of ourselves - and the person we hurt still does *not* owe us forgiveness.

It sucks. But we hurt them, so that's why we own it.

Another thing is that being called out sucks. It's uncomfortable for us who messed up, and the person doing the emotional labor of holding us accountable.

But we must understand that being called out is good - it means we're being held to higher standards than we ourselves do.

So when the person we hurt doesn't forgive us, we keep on being our best selves and learning the lessons we were given.

What if the person who was hurt decides to call us out months after the incident?

Perhaps we believe it's not relevant to the conversation we're having today, but *that's* irrelevant. What's relevant is that the person who was hurt believes it is.

So if we take ownership of the hurt we've caused others, we don't get to decide when it's convenient for us to put the burden down. Only the person who's hurt can do that, and they're not required to.

"That's not what happened."
"I already apologized."

are not acceptable responses. Even if we feel like the call out is unwarranted, we owe that person our best self, and that's not reflected with gaslighting.

We must take a moment to remember we're not infallible.

The pain we caused others is *real.* Does it suck when we're reminded we're not always good people? Yeah.

And if we feel that that person is being abusive toward *us* this time, there are many ways to deal with it - but retaliation isn't one of them.

Owning our mistakes is painful and embarrassing and all kinds of uncomfortable. But we cannot claim to "have learned" or "have apologized" or "have improved" if we're not willing to face the times we fucked up.

That's not growth, that's defensiveness. That's running.

"Then what am I supposed to do?!"

Apologize. We owe that person an apology even if they don't owe us forgiveness. It's not fun - but we caused their pain.

Maybe we can explain how we've bettered ourselves.

But we never, ever, gaslight or dismiss them.

And if we're still not forgiven, then we may need to take a step back. Perhaps a final message with genuine thoughts and feelings and move on.

If this is too much - then we can block the person. It's preferable to block and move on, than to dismiss and gaslight. That's abuse.

All in all, there really is no perfect answer. We live and learn and improve. We educate ourselves.

And part of that journey is learning how to apologize, how to react, and how to bear the burden.

We must be the change we wish to see by holding ourselves accountable.

And for all the times I messed up, for all the wrong words I chose, for all the pain I caused - I'm sorry. I have no doubt that I have caused pain and I am responsible for it. Please always feel free to call me out and hold me accountable. I am human and I fuck up.

Love you all.