During my second year of University, one of my friends encouraged me to go to a writing lab. I booked an appointment and met a courteous and friendly writing instructor who started off with going through a series of questions...
He asked me why my ‘first language’ was. I said English. He looked at me quizzically with raised eyebrows. “English? No. That can’t be your first language. Where were you born?”
“Canada. I was born in Canada.”
“C’mon, like where are you really from?”
“My parents immigrated from Pakistan.”
“And what language do they speak”
“Urdu”
“So I’m going to put down Urdu as your first language.”
“C’mon, like where are you really from?”
“My parents immigrated from Pakistan.”
“And what language do they speak”
“Urdu”
“So I’m going to put down Urdu as your first language.”
“But English is my first language. I am most comfortable writing in English. I think in English. I can’t even read or write Urdu.”
“No. English is your SECOND language.”
“No. English is your SECOND language.”
I didn’t pay any attention to that session. This instructors intentions didn’t matter at that moment. All that mattered was that I was not allowed to belong. I had no right to claim my own identity. He made up his mind about what was first and what was second.
I recently brought up this story while teaching Graduate students in education this week and realized I never told it before. My face got a bit flushed and I started to feel emotional. It was like I bottled up 20 years of feelings and they were all bubbling to the surface.
Imagine feeling like this almost every day. Code switching constantly. Being too distracted to learn because of how exhausting it is. Being told how articulate you are when people don’t even bother to listen to what you have to say.
The problem is not a buzzword or the title of a book you read. The problem is that some of us can try as hard as we can but will always be judged by the way we look. The problem is that bias is baked into our entire system of education, healthcare, policing, and even retail.
I have talked to a lot of sincere people who want to do something about this problem. It is great that you are interested! Thank you. Please keep in mind, however, that some of us don’t have a choice about whether we are interested to do something or not. We have to do something.
So we can all be patient with one another. But don’t be surprised if some of us get emotional. Don’t punish us for being emotional. We have been bottling in a lot of emotions and right now is a moment in history where we need to be allowed to let them surface.
