Thread by @_crazynairobian

Nimewai hepa home kuenda bash siko invited alafu kufika huko nikafukuzwa saa sita usiku, hapo ndio nilijua meaning ya mwenda tezi na Omo marejeo ni nyumbani… THREAD.

Peer pressure huwa mbaya, nikiwa bado high school and living under the old man’s roof kuna day arif alinisho kuna bash ya cousin yake huko Mountain View, na sisi tulikuwa tuna stay Ndumbu-ini.

Way back then Mountain View ndio ilikuwa Rhunda ya wasee wa Waiyaki Way, so nilikuwa excited nikajua hii bash lazima nifike juu nilijua mahali kuna bash kuna madem, obviously singekata.

Nikajua the best parent kuomba ruhusa ya kuenda bash ni mathe juu fathe hawezi hata ngoja umalize statement, huyo anakupiga stopper in the middle of your speech before hata ufikie punchline

But si mnajua kila siku si Sunday, mathe akaniuliza a rhetoric question... ati kati ya masomo na bash za usiku ni gani muhimu, nikajua hakuna bash naenda… hiyo siku hata supper sikukula poa, na ilikuwa ugali na nyama, denial na rejection huwa a hard pill to swallow

Nikaji excuse kuenda kulala, kufika room kuna kale kashetani huwa inbuilt kakaniambia nisikiuwe mjinga, ku sneak out haihitaji ruhusa… furthermore, hata nikishikiwa niki sneak fathe hawezi nituma home nilete barbered wire, lol!

Si raiya nika sneak through the backdoor kama bado watu wako sitting room wanaona soap opera... afterall viboko hazijawai ua mtu na pia what doesn't nyuria you only makes you stronger.

Mimi huyo ngozi ikaji camouflage kwa giza like a damn chameleon, nikitembea kwa giza ina feel jealous juu melanin yangu imekula rangi proper tunakaa identical… nikafika kwakina arif nikapata raiya ako ready!

Sisi hao kwa giza tukapiga route 11 kutoka Ndumbu-ini hadi Mountain View mahali bash iko… tuka risk kupigwa nyongolo Uthiru.

Poverty ni kitu mbaya, tuli migrate from Ndumbu-ini to Mountain View just to eat cake and meet girls above our class... no brains, just vibes!

Bash ilikuwa kwa estate flani unafinya bell kwa gate unaongea na security guard sio “Soja” then una state business yako, purpose of visit, unaenda kwa nani, relation na mwenye unaenda kuona na kosokoso kama hizo

Arif akafanya all the talking, gate ikafunguliwa tukajitupa ndani… ilikuwa birthday party ya cousin yake, kufika ndani nika realize ilikuwa bash ya the invited “few” guest, alafu kila mtu ame dress decently… ni mimi nlikuwa nakaa homeless guy.

Kila mtu alikuwa anajuana hapo except mimi, so nilikuwa na cling kwa arif kama nzi kwa kinyesi coz niking'ethia kidogo akae kwingine its over for me. So mahali anaenda ilikuwa lazima nimfuate kama kivuli.

Watu walikuwa wanaongea rusungu tupu huko, alafu kama hujawai notice kunakuwanga na kizungu aina mbili, ya wadosi na ya maskini. Y a wadosi huwa wana tweng but ya maskini hukuja na accent ya poverty.
so nilinyamza juu ya language barrier hadi unaanza kunuka mdomo unprovoked.

Birthday cake ikakuja kitu saa nne hapo, tukaimbia birthday girl, akakata keki aka feed the chosen few vile hao hu feed each other. Anadunga keki na fork anakupea una uma… get it!!
Kufika kwangu nikaambiwa nichukue na mkono nijilishe like the gate crusher I was.

Zawadi zikaanza kupeanwa, all that time sikuwa nime notice arif alikuwa amebeba present, in short ni mimi pekee sikuwa nimeleta present buana, nilikuwa hapo na sip juice kwa kikombe ya plastic feeling odd and out of place.

Kitu 11:30 hapo wakadai wanataka ku watch movies, wakaleta sleeping bags kadhaa zikatandikwa hapo sitting room na popcorns alafu nikaskia wameulizwa arif “Will your friend make it back at this hour on his own?”

Arif akaniangalia nikajua that’s my cue ya ku left, nikasho arif asijali nitarudi home, najua shortcut… raiya hata hakutaka kuniconvince nibaki bana, akadai tutaonana kesho. Juu sikuwa na rights za kuwa hapo ikabidi ni left.

Juu mimi si Omo na sina foam ikabidi nikuwe on Toss, nikajitoa wenyeji waendele na bash juu nilikuwa uninvited anyways. Nikatoa bash nikinyongwa na kiwaru, na niki balance machos.

Mans I was once again camouflaged in the dark, security guard akaniuliza kama ntafika poa nikamsho kwetu si mbali, mi pia ni msee wa Mountain View… vijana msome watoto wenyu wasikuwe wana gate crash birthdays.

Waiyaki way ilikuwa imeng’ara, nikajua hapa nisipochunga ntapigwa nyongolo, ama nikutane na karao wa Kabete police, so kufika hapo Wa Thiong’o nikavuka highway nikaenda kupita panya route ya Vet Labs ndio ini connect hadi Ndumbu-ini.

All that time nilikuwa najichagulia death sentence yangu juu nilijua nikifika home itabidi nilale kwa veranda kama doormat ama ni knock mlango nionwe world war three.

Nikafika finally na kama governor wa Turkana nikajipata Nanok mlango… after 30 minutes of knocking fathe akafungua mlango na the first thing niliskia ni a rhetoric question “Unanigongea mlango yangu kama nani?”

Next question ilikuwa “Umetoka wapi saa hii usikui? Wee ni mwizi?” nika shake kichwa, “We ni mchawi?” nika shake kichwa tena… nikaona hizi questionnaire ni rahisi kujibu, as long as I put on an innocent guilty face.

The next thing niliskia ni kofi nika relocate from the door mat nika land kwa sofa, before nishikanishe ni nini imetokea nilikuwa napokea viboko, viboko, viboko alafu zikibamba sana napiga nduru… ilikuwa collabo ya mathe na fathe kunichapa.

Napigwa kofi ya kushoto naskia kulia, alafu juu Yesu alisema ukichapwa shavu ya left unafaa kupeana ya right pia, narudishwa na kofi ya kulia naendelea kulia kabisa… walini beat hadi DJ Pinye hiyo siku alikuwa jealous.

Mwili ilikuwa kama game park coz zile viboko zilinitembelea hiyo siku si mchezo… wanasemanga spare the rod spoil the child wanakosea, hao walikuwa wana spoil the rod by not sparing the child buana.

Hiyo siku nililala na maumivu kama mmama ana experience labour pains… hapo ndio kiherere ilinifikisha. Una sneak kuenda bash, unafukuzwa bash unajileta mwenyewe nyumbani kupokea daily dose ya viboko.

But nashukuru wazae for the daily dose ya beatings when I was growing up coz look at me now, I turned out to be an educated fool with a Twitter account… sasa ona sai kuna parody mingi zangu kushinda kanisa za Kawangware na Kayole combined.