When I started writing on marriage, I did it largely from my own perspective + my university studies. I had nothing else.
Over the years, here are some of the things I’ve changed my mind/perspective about (and what I regret teaching earlier):
Over the years, here are some of the things I’ve changed my mind/perspective about (and what I regret teaching earlier):
High drive husband/low drive wife is only the norm in 60% of marriages. In other marriages, SHE is the higher drive or they report the same libidos. To treat sex like it's something only he wants stigmatizes high drive wives and leads to self-fulfilling prophecies.
Often the reason women don't want sex is because they've never experienced pleasure. In our survey of 20,000 women, only 48% of women reliably reached orgasm.
When women don't want sex, it's not always selfishness/lack of priority. It could just be lack of foreplay!
When women don't want sex, it's not always selfishness/lack of priority. It could just be lack of foreplay!
"Don't sweat the small stuff." We often talk about marriage like everything will be fine if we stop focusing on the other's faults. This is partly true. But we also need to bring up issues! Happy couples DO sweat the small stuff. They have small conflicts about small things.
Men need respect and women need love. This is taught like it's obviously true, and I even bought it for a while. But it's so problematic and wrong. Historically, the lack of respect for WOMEN is astounding.
Also, telling women to respect their husbands often is interpreted to mean, "If you confront your husband in sin, he'll feel disrespected. You must make your husband feel confident, like a leader." So his ego matters more than her emotional health. That's a very bad dynamic.
Finally, the biggest one: Our role is not to have a happy husband, a happy marriage, a happy wife. Our role is to follow Christ. Sometimes that means making our spouse UNhappy. We have made marriage an idol in the church. God cares about character first.
I try to apologize when I have written things that are wrong. I am even now hiring a staff member to go over my 2,500 past blog posts and we're rewriting ones I no longer stand by.
Christian authors: We should aim to grow. We should aim to accept correction. It's okay to admit you didn't have it all right before. In fact, trust me--your readers will like you more and trust you more if you're open about the things that you have changed your opinion on.
It's not about our own reputation; it's about Christ. May we always be open to learning more about Him. May we always be open to growing in Truth and in Love. May we never try to protect reputation above Him.
To be clear, this is what I USED to teach. I think we have focused so much on how to have happy & successful marriages and made them idols over Christ. When a spouse is in sin, that matters. It’s not your role to make someone sinning happy.
