Thread by @sheilagregoire

After my thread on Every Man’s Battle, thought I’d start one on Every Heart Restored, that I’ve turned to now.

The book to help women deal with their husband’s sexual sin.

Read it 10 years ago and hated it; I’ll see what I think now.

First thing I’m noticing: They treat women & men’s sexuality as completely different. In reality, many women are visually stimulated, too.

Also, they talk about how young men masturbate, and this is because they’re boys.

Actually, while close to 75% of teen boys masturbate, so have 50% of teen girls.

They get female sexuality completely wrong.

healthland.time.com/2011/08/11/boy…

Something good: On p. 57, they do say that one of the problems with lust is the objectification of women. They never said that in Every Man’s Battle, really.

Okay, big message in “Sex—His Language of Intimacy” chapter:

Men need sex. You don’t. You need to understand his need and meet it.

NOTHING about making sex feel good. How sex was designed for you, too. Nothing about women’s sexual pleasure.

On page 71 now. Still NO mention of women’s arousal or sexual satisfaction or sexual desire. Nothing at all.

But they’re trying to convince women to have more sex.

They just said that 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 promises men sexual release.

They didn’t say that it ALSO promises women sexual release.

Seriously, do they not see how all of this talk will make a woman HATE sex?

How about presenting it biblically—as being mutually satisfying and created for BOTH of you? How about talking about foreplay for women? How women have a clitoris? Why only about reducing men’s lust?

Page 87—he finally says a man’s role is to give his wife sexual pleasure! Yay!

But he gives all kinds of stories about how the obligation sex message makes women feel like “human toilets”, and never really deals with this reality.

Okay, now they’re saying that men are hard-wired to ignore women’s happiness and emotions. They’re hard-wired to be selfish.

Now Every Heart Restored is saying that men are hard-wired to separate sex and love.

And then they wonder why women don’t want sex?

God’s design for sex is intimacy, not lust. Don’t blame God’s design when you’re interpreting it wrong.

Okay, a story from the book: Husband demands sex all the time. Woman decides to spend a year saying yes whenever, without complaint. He becomes increasingly demanding, rolling her over at 5 am and using her. At the end of the year she tells him her experiment and is fed up.

Their reply? She should show him grace. He only treated her badly and selfishly because of her hardwiring. Women should understand men.

WHAT ABOUT MEN UNDERSTANDING WOMEN? What about telling women it’s okay to want to be treated well?

p. 92: “Because of nature’s hardwiring, your husband will need time and the opportunity to mature spiritually.”

So God made men naturally immature? Can we please stop setting the bar so low? Can’t we expect more out of men?

Do they think this type of talk helps women at all?

Part 3: They get emails from women so wounded by their husband’s sexual sin. They believe the answer to healing is to understand that men have insatiable sex drives and are naturally immature. If women get that, they will know the husbands don’t sin because of their wives.

Also, men are naturally hardwired to be immature, but in the same sentence, they say that men need to be our leaders.

Do they not see the total irony in that? And how illogical it is?

Okay, finally some good stuff! On page 116, they acknowledge that sex is meant for intimacy, and that porn decouples sex from intimacy. And they say that often boys masturbate because of deep emotional needs, and they meet them in a counterfeit way. This part is A+.

Page 121: Women start not liking sex when they lose the relational connection. Sex without intimacy isn’t fun.

Very true.

So why, oh, why, dd they spend the whole first bit of the book explaining why men don’t experience sex as relational? How that’s “hardwired”?

Chapter 16, titled “Helpmeet”. Women are the helpmeet, men are the heads of the home, and the high priests of the home.

Our role is to help strengthen men (and help them defeat lust) so they can be our leaders in the church and the home.

This part’s good at least—part of a woman’s role is to speak up, even harshly and firmly if need be—and confront our husbands in sin and call them to more.

Yep. Not disrespectful to speak up!

P. 166—when he confesses a porn and lust problem, he’ll feel relieved and closer to God.

She’ll feel betrayed and angry.

And now it’s tempting to blame HER for not getting over it. Her reaction is normal.

(this part is good).

Uh oh. p. 179: Why you need to wait for him to change and to repent.

“If your husband is a Christian but has not yet fully repented, he is to be pitied.”

“if you can endure the wait, there is marital joy set before you on the other side!”

Ummmm…what if there’s not?

P. 182: You should submit to a husband who is still in sexual sin, because that’s God’s will for you.

Also, all these women did and look how great their marriages are! Just have faith!

(what about BOUNDARIES?)

The end isn’t bad actually—how to insist on purity and not put up with porn. That’s better. But the message is so all over the place. One chapter will say one thing, and the next contradicts it.

Very bad book. Read Vicki Tiede’s When Your Husband is Addicted to Porn instead.

I was wrong. One more chapter. Really bad.

Which should come first—sex or rebuilding trust? Sometimes sex. You need to make sexual sacrifices for him as his helpmeet. That’s how you defeat lust.

Do they even care about women’s hearts? Does that register at all. Sigh.

I want to share this, @threadreaderapp unroll please and thank you!