Jurassic Park 🦖 COVID is BACK—“you’ll be pleased to know that Jurassic Park has the highest velociraptor attack survival rate in the 🌎. Sure, maybe it’s because our EMTs have spent last 6 months reattaching dismembered appendages is mere muscle memory” 🧵mcsweeneys.net/articles/juras…
2) “let’s focus on the bright side. Like the fact that most velociraptor attack victims survive with just a few missing fingers or toes. And even amongst those that are severely mauled, the vast majority still pull through”
3) “Given these great stats, I think it should be pretty clear to everyone that reopening the Jurassic Park Academy for Young Paleontologists this fall is the right move. Sure, a few kids have been mauled this summer at our popular sleep-away camp, Camp Triceratops.”
4) “However, a hands-on learning environment that comes with hiking throughout our vast preserve remains an invaluable experience for the kids—an experience that far outweighs occasional mauling. Plus, keep in mind that children are far less likely to be killed by velociraptors”
5) “mostly because they are too small and bony to make for a satisfying velociraptor meal. And yes, children are notoriously smelly, thus endangering their teachers. But I think the teachers knew the risks involved when they became teachers at a dinosaur-themed amusement park”
6) “So let’s not get carried away and resort to drastic measures like shutting down the park again, or limiting our beloved educational programs to virtual classes. I am confident that w/ the modest measures we are taking, the velociraptors will eventually tucker themselves out”
7) “Like I always say, life finds a way… unless you’re one of the plumper, juicier children in your paleontology class. Then you’re probably screwed.”
Oy. What a brutal piece. Poignant. But man, brutal reality for the paleontology students and teachers.
Oy. What a brutal piece. Poignant. But man, brutal reality for the paleontology students and teachers.
